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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a 12yo should be allowed to shave her legs?!

98 replies

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 15:51

Sorry I believe this is going over old MN ground but never mind, I'm annoyed and I'm going to rant!

I was chatting to my 12yo DSD1 (about to start yr8) as we were in Boots and I asked if she'd thought about shaving her legs. She said she really wants to and needs to, but her mum (DH's exW) won't let her. I heartily disagree with this, though I didn't tell DSD that as I'm very careful about not sounding bitchy about her mum IYSWIM.

I'm not saying all 12yos should shave, in fact DSD's twin (DSD2) has really fine, fair leg hair and she isn't at all fussed about shaving yet - lucky her I reckon! But DSD1 has really dark, quite thick hair - i.e. really obvious. TBH it's worse than mine would be without shaving. AFAIK she's not been teased about it at school (they wear trousers) which is good, but that's not the point, DSD1 wants to shave, she isn't happy with her legs. She's also pretty sensible and I'm sure she could do it properly/safely with practice.

The thing that gets me is, the reason exW has said no is because DSD1 tried it a while back and unsurprisingly cut her leg! Because her mum hasn't shown her how! DUH! ExW has said she will show DSD1 when she turns 13 (9m away) - could be worse but I don't understand why she needs to wait, the age seems a bit arbitrary.

I admit I feel quite strongly about this as in most ways my mum was really approachable BUT she didn't want me to shave. I did it covertly at 12yo, but could only find really old cream and naff disposables and ended up with severe rashes for months until I gradually learned to do it properly. :( (I did tell DSD1 this but not in a Therefore Your Mum Is Wrong type way)

I have been pondering for a few months whether to offer to buy the DSDs some lovely shaving stuff and show them how to do it - IF exW said it was ok. But as she's overtly said DSD is too young, I don't feel it's right to do this. I know from reading so many parenting threads that it's their mum's choice really so I won't interfere, but I'm still a bit and a teeny bit - AIBU?

Sorry that was quite a rant wasn't it

OP posts:

deaddei · 25/08/2010 15:54

You're right- we've had this one before (remembers wiping up the blood)
YABU in that it's not your dd...but I epilate my dd's legs (14 next month) rather than let her shave. She is very self conscious about her hairy legs- she plays lots of sport, and although they are fair, she is hairy.
Maybe your dp could have a word???

emmyloulou · 25/08/2010 15:55

Just do it, I was in her position 18 years ago thank god for my step mum and my dad.

NW20 · 25/08/2010 15:58

YANBU the mum is being unreasonable, 12 is def old enough to be doing these things and if she is going to let her at 13 anyway what real difference does it make, just let her now.
School and adolescence is hard enough without stupid issues like this being made.

ShatnersBassoon · 25/08/2010 16:01

I would leave it. If your SD hasn't come to you and asked you to overrule her mother, then you probably shouldn't. It's no skin off your nose.

Anyway, it seems a bit cruel to ask her whether she'd thought about shaving her legs, I think. When I was 12, that would have translated as 'Everyone thinks I have freakishly hairy legs'

ReneRusso · 25/08/2010 16:01

I agree with you that it would be nice to show her properly with nice products, and I think 12 is a good age to start.. but I don't think you should get involved. She needs to sort it out with her Mum, or just do it by herself.

juuule · 25/08/2010 16:01

What does her dad say about it (your dh). Surely he has as much say in it as her mum. If he thinks it's okay then maybe she could shave or whatever at your house.

StarlightMcKenzie · 25/08/2010 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TanteRose · 25/08/2010 16:02

YANBU

My DD is 12 and shaves her legs - she used my razor without telling me the first time. I noticed, and we went out to buy another for her own use.

cupcakesandbunting · 25/08/2010 16:02

She's probably very conscious of her leg hair when doing P.E/swimming etc. If she wants to do it, then it should be allowed.

Her mother sounds very controlling, FWIW.

Starbuck999 · 25/08/2010 16:03

YANBU. Why make a 12 yr old, who has thick dark hair on their legs wait another couple of years to be allowed to shave them? What difference does a couple of years make in the grand scheme of a lifetime of leg shaving!

Why not mention it to your partner (dsd1's father) so he can speak to his exw about it.

Original poster

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 16:03

see, I was really tempted just to say "well I'll show you if you want" but I just couldn't - as deaddei says, she is not my DD (though I love her as one, obviously!) - it's not my place and I really don't want to cause any problems between them and exW/DH.

I don't know... I may feel differently if exW had said no full stop, I guess DSD can wait until 13 but then 9m is quite a long time when you're young!

I suppose I could ask DH to have a word though. We are hoping to have the DSDs stay over during the week now if exW says it's ok (it means a longer journey to school) and I'll be taking the girls shopping to get spare underwear, PJs etc - maybe we could bring it up by asking if we need to get them some shaving stuff to keep here (DH works for Boots so we get discount)

OP posts:

FallingWithStyle · 25/08/2010 16:05

Agree that as a 12yo having an adult asking me whether I'd thought about shaving my legs would have made me feel hideous.

12 isnt too you imo, especially when the hair is very obvious as you describe, but it's not for you to push it.
If she really wants to she'll just do it.

sloanypony · 25/08/2010 16:06

Gosh it was this kind of age where we all started doing it. If a child is old enough to be aware and want to, I think they should be allowed to. Its not like dying hair or getting ears pierced, its a basic grooming thing, though in NO WAY obligatory - but natrual to "want" to when all your friends do, your mum does, etc.

Its tricky, you can't really interfere though

God, I didn't even ask, I just did it. With my dad's razor. So he'd moan at mum thinking it was her HAHAH

diddl · 25/08/2010 16:07

TBH, if she wears trousers for school, & it´s nearly Winter, she might be OK for 9months.

I would tell her to talk to her mum if she´s really upset, & if it´s still a no, find ways of helping her get through the next 9months!

Original poster

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 16:09

"Anyway, it seems a bit cruel to ask her whether she'd thought about shaving her legs, I think. When I was 12, that would have translated as 'Everyone thinks I have freakishly hairy legs'"

fair point, but no, it wasn't like that at all! she's mentioned it in passing before a few times and she was actually looking at the shaving stuff while we were waiting for DH to go for lunch. she asked if I'd ever used the wax or hair removal stuff before I asked her if she'd tried shaving! Sorry I should've mentioned that in the OP perhaps but I didn't think I'd be thought of as cruel! :)

OP posts:

corlan · 25/08/2010 16:12

YANBU to be sad, but as you've implied, there is no way on earth you should get involved if her mother has said no.
If my daughter's stepmother overrode my wishes, I would rip her head off be really jolly annoyed and I would never trust her again.
Just leave it, she will get to a point when she buys or borrows a razor and does it herself.It's not worth a big fight.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 25/08/2010 16:14

Well I had an almost exact post about a year ago!
I bought her a Venus and she just gets on with it. At the time it felt like big deal, but not anymore

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 25/08/2010 16:16

I thought that you'd just introduced the topic too, OP, and was just about to say leave the poor kid alone! If she really wants to shave, I would buy some disposable razors and keep them at your house, don't give them to her, just let her know where they are. I don't think you need to be shown how to shave, do you?

Or, boots vouchers?

usualsuspect · 25/08/2010 16:16

You should butt out imo .. its up to her mum what she does with her dd

sanielle · 25/08/2010 16:19

YABU to have mentioned in the first place, and you arbu to get involved. It isn't to do with you

curlymama · 25/08/2010 16:21

Maybe suggest to her that she approaches her Mum about doing a patch test for one of the creams. The Mum can't be that much against it if she let her have a go before, and there would be no risk of cutting herself. Plus a very small risk of an allergic reaction if she does it properly and does a test. If the Mum still says no, then she is just being unreasonable.

Original poster

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 16:23

DH agrees with me BTW. But he doesn't get a say usually in any girly stuff, because he's a bloke but I will ask him to casually, non-accusingly ask if we need to buy them shaving stuff.

I'm not sure that she'd do it herself actually - she's quite conforming IYSWIM especially to her mum, and quite young for her years in many ways so I can't see her going and buying one.

As I've said, I am butting out - just wanted to see if people agreed that she should be allowed.

I think you do need to be shown how to shave TBH. Read paragraph 3 of my OP! I guess you wouldn't need to be shown if you always saw your mum/older sister etc do it but they haven't as their mum isn't very into that stuff

OP posts:

tegan · 25/08/2010 16:23

YANUB my dd1 is going into yr 8 in sept too and she has been shaving her legs for getting on for a yr now. It is a natural progression thing that girls have to do and it is better that they do it before starting secondery school

megapixels · 25/08/2010 16:25

I would be enraged if someone "asked about shaving her legs" from one of my daughters. What do you think most girls that age would say if you put it like that? I think you need to butt out.

Deliaskis · 25/08/2010 16:26

I think this is a discussion that your DH should be leaving. You don't want to turn this into mother versus wicked stepmother, in which case the mother usually has the upper hand, but your DH and the mother should be sharing parenting decisions and if it's something that the SDS wants and is not unreasonable then he should be having this conversation. It would be more reasonable for him to say to his XW 'no I disagree, I think she should be allowed to'.

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