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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a 12yo should be allowed to shave her legs?!

98 replies

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 15:51

Sorry I believe this is going over old MN ground but never mind, I'm annoyed and I'm going to rant!

I was chatting to my 12yo DSD1 (about to start yr8) as we were in Boots and I asked if she'd thought about shaving her legs. She said she really wants to and needs to, but her mum (DH's exW) won't let her. I heartily disagree with this, though I didn't tell DSD that as I'm very careful about not sounding bitchy about her mum IYSWIM.

I'm not saying all 12yos should shave, in fact DSD's twin (DSD2) has really fine, fair leg hair and she isn't at all fussed about shaving yet - lucky her I reckon! But DSD1 has really dark, quite thick hair - i.e. really obvious. TBH it's worse than mine would be without shaving. AFAIK she's not been teased about it at school (they wear trousers) which is good, but that's not the point, DSD1 wants to shave, she isn't happy with her legs. She's also pretty sensible and I'm sure she could do it properly/safely with practice.

The thing that gets me is, the reason exW has said no is because DSD1 tried it a while back and unsurprisingly cut her leg! Because her mum hasn't shown her how! DUH! ExW has said she will show DSD1 when she turns 13 (9m away) - could be worse but I don't understand why she needs to wait, the age seems a bit arbitrary.

I admit I feel quite strongly about this as in most ways my mum was really approachable BUT she didn't want me to shave. I did it covertly at 12yo, but could only find really old cream and naff disposables and ended up with severe rashes for months until I gradually learned to do it properly. :( (I did tell DSD1 this but not in a Therefore Your Mum Is Wrong type way)

I have been pondering for a few months whether to offer to buy the DSDs some lovely shaving stuff and show them how to do it - IF exW said it was ok. But as she's overtly said DSD is too young, I don't feel it's right to do this. I know from reading so many parenting threads that it's their mum's choice really so I won't interfere, but I'm still a bit Hmm and a teeny bit Sad - AIBU?

Sorry that was quite a rant wasn't it Shock

OP posts:
coraltoes · 25/08/2010 16:27

I actually think she'd be better off waxing from the off, by the time she is 16 she'll have very little there to worry about!

FallingWithStyle · 25/08/2010 16:27

I dont think you need to be shown at all.
If someone does show you then great, but not necessary - its pretty straight forward.

You really think that had the older girl been shown she wouldn't have cut herself?

I've been shaving my legs for...oooh, 18 years - I still cut my legs!

Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 16:29

sanielle and megapixels, please read my post at 16:09, I didn't just randomly ask her

OP posts:
Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 16:35

lol well yes, I still get the odd graze too! but when I was 12 I genuinely didn't have a clue how to do it, how on earth would I know?

I didn't know how to check if the razor was sharp enough (i.e. blunt razor = OUCH), I didn't know how much cream to use, I didn't know to wet my legs or the razor first, I didn't know that you mustn't go over the same bit more than once with the razor, I didn't know to rinse the razor between each stroke. Hence me having to bandage up my legs several times.

anyway, she said she wants to be shown which is the point really (if she was happy to try it alone then great) but she tried it alone once, cut her leg, her mum had a slight go at her and banned her from being shown how to do it properly.

OP posts:
schroeder · 25/08/2010 16:39

Her Mum has already made the decision; 9 months isn't that long to wait.

Once you start shaving it's difficult to go back.

Blush
Deliaskis · 25/08/2010 16:43

From above, my first line should be 'DH should be having' not leaving!

D

megapixels · 25/08/2010 16:46

Ok Algebra, that is different then. I'd still stay out of it, if your SD keeps asking you to show her I'd tell the dh so that he can take it up with his ex that the girl wants to shave.

Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 16:56

thanks megapixels :)

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Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 17:03

thank you delia I am definitely not going to do anything about it myself as I don't want to be The Woman Who Disrespects Their Mum :) I guess 9 months isn't so bad and luckily she has no underarm hair yet. I will ask DH to very casually bring it up.

He did have to do that with the subject of Bras (that was one of my first MN threads!) as DSD2 really really needed one but exW wasn't bothered, TBH I think exW finds all the girly stuff quite awkward and to some extent this has rubbed off on the DSDs but luckily they are usually happy to chat with me about it. one of the advantages of being a younger stepmum :)

OP posts:
lolapoppins · 25/08/2010 17:07

I was never allowed to shave my legs. They were really hairy from he age of nine.

By 14 I was bunking off school as the bullying over my hairy legs (and armpits) was too much to bear. I left home at 16 unsuprisingly.

Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 17:10

oh gawd lola that's awful! :(

OP posts:
Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 17:13

so wise MNers, what do you think is an ok age to let a DD shave? is it just a case of 'when they ask' or is there a minimum age?

I reckon my own DD (i.e. DSDs' half-sister) is of the hairier disposition already (she's 3.2!!!) and because of my own experience I really hope I will let her shave when she asks but if she was 9, say... I don't know!

I seem to remember on the thread several months ago that some people were saying it's sexualising to shave your legs but I really don't think so, it's just looking after yourself.

OP posts:
TheSadWitch · 25/08/2010 17:13

If the worry is about accidentally cutting herself, you could suggest an electric shaver? I was(am) very hairy and desperately wanted to shave my legs from the last year in primary school and my mum bought me an electric one so I could do it safely myself.

Deliaskis · 25/08/2010 17:18

AlgebraRosksMySocks I think it's great for the DSDs that they have someone they can talk to about this stuff if their Mum finds it awkward. Unfortunately for you, I can imagine this is only going to get more complex as they get older - boyfriends, thinking about becoming sexually active & safe sex etc. You've got all that to come - lucky you!

D

lolapoppins · 25/08/2010 17:19

Some women do find the girlie stiff awkward though Algebra.

My mum was raised at a convent boarding school abroad and was really funny about anything female. She even fainted and cried for days when I started my period (I knew she would as shed never spoken about them, so I made do with paper towels for the first few). She died soon after, and left my dad with a strict set of instructions before she did - including no shaving legs until and no bra until 16.

So not only did I have the hairiest legs in the world ever, but I had absolutley massive breasts (was owrweight back then so hey were much bigger than they are now, went to get my own at 16 and I was a EE cup!) and was also teased mercilessly and called a slag for not wearing a bra. My schooldays were a riot, which is probay why I atttended for the grand total of four weeks in my last year.

Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 17:19

thanks witch, are they actually effective then? I always thought they weren't, but then my friend was up recently and blimey she had perfect legs, I think she uses an electric one. having said that I do like regular shaving with lovely venus gel etc. very smooth :)

OP posts:
Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 17:22

wow lola. :( I think you may have posted about that on the aforementioned Bra thread. I can understand people being uncomfortable, I have been very lucky that (apart from shaving) my mum was really approachable and comfortable with everything like periods, boobs etc!

OP posts:
diddl · 25/08/2010 17:27

I´ve mainly used an electric shaver-always been fine for me.

I also find one easier to use on underarms than a razor.

lolapoppins · 25/08/2010 17:29

I think I have posted about it a few times!

I have a son, but if I ever have a dd, I will be open and approachable from the begining (as I am with ds, but you know what I mean).

I would let a dd shave legs from when they were aware and it started to bother them, and I would have hoped we would have been talking about puberty and changing bodies for a while before that point. So I'd think hair removal would be okay from about 10, depending on if it bothered them, and colour/texture of the hair etc. I don't think shaving has anything to do with sexualising.

mathanxiety · 25/08/2010 17:32

This DSD is lucky to have you in her corner, and I hope you will have a great relationship as the years progress. My mum was off with the fairies when it came to girly stuff as a teenager (another graduate of a girls' boarding school; 'thanks, nuns') and finding everything out the hard way was no fun at all for me. I hope her relationship with her dad will stay good too -- good for him for bringing up the bra issue.

Having said all that, you can't approach the mum yourself. It will have to come from the dad. And no need to be apologetic either. He can say what he feels and speak up on his DD's behalf just as he would if they were still together. He's still her father; she's still his DD. He cares, and he's right to, and you do and you're right to also.

(I'm a mum of 4 DDs and the whole 'keeping them children and innocent as long as possible' think gives me the screaming meemies.)

sanfair · 25/08/2010 17:33

I think 12 is a bit young to be shaving her legs but I remember being 13 and starting secondary school. I got teased unmercilessly from both boys and girls about having hairy legs when it hadn't even occurred to me to think about it before.

The girl needs to talk to her mother about it and decide whether it's something she wants to do or feels she has to do. Her mother might not realise she's under pressure.

Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 17:36

yes, if a DD said I want to shave my legs because then boys will like me (or whatever) it'd be different to a DD saying they hated having hairy legs, I think.

people feel uncomfortable about different things but I do feel it's important to work on these issues so as not to pass them on to your kids. easy for me to say in this particular issue but there are certainly things I want to do differently with my kids. that's just part of being a parent isn't it, or am I overthinking it :o

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 25/08/2010 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 17:40

oh my PP was to lolapoppins.

mathanxiety - thanks :) I think all our kids (DH has 3 with exW, 2 with me) are really lucky he is their dad - he is so open about all this stuff, not macho at all! but still manly because he doesn't go all faint when somebody mentions periods etc. he buys my STs etc normally :o

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Original poster
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 17:42

shineon, as I've said a few times, I didn't just randomly ask Hmm see post at 16:09!

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