to want my PIL to stop pressuring me about visiting them 9 hrs away alone with 2 toddlers?

[teaandcakeplease]

This is going to be quite a long one but I really have to get this off my chest and I need some sympathy, truth be told and if you have any ideas on how I can deal with this that I haven?t tried already, that would be great.

Bit of background; my H and I are in the process of a divorce as he has chosen to forsake me and the 2 DCs for the OW. I did want to work things out, however he couldn?t and didn?t want to end the relationship. The divorce begun in April, it?s fairly amicable, no arguments as yet over anything and the decree nisi application was submitted to court on 17 July. H comes and sees the DCs twice a week, sometimes 3 times and is great with them, plays with them etc. I do have a thread on here about the sorry saga from a while ago, so some of you may recognise me.

My PIL have owned a large house in Montrose for many years, MIL bought it just after I started dating her son and they have recently chosen to sell their house down here near me and relocate to Scotland. They wanted to save more for retirement and it made sense to sell one of their properties. Truthfully it is difficult to imagine her retiring and she has said that she has no intention to for at least another 10 years, she works in Switzerland and comes over to the UK once a month for a weekend, sometimes stays longer. So my FIL actually lives without her most of the time. But they needed to sell a property to save for retirement and have done that.

The property in Montrose was being let out as a holiday home previously but they weren?t earning as much as needed to cover all the overheads as I understand it. So they decided now was a good time to sell up and relocate. MIL grew up in Montrose and wants to retire up there. Ever since I?ve known her I?ve always understood they would retire up there, it?s naturally their decision of course and I?m fine with that. What I am not fine with however is the fact that ever since my FIL moved up there every time he rings me to see how the GCs are, he always asks without fail ?when am I going up there to stay for 7 days?? MIL also whenever she sees me asks me the same. I feel almost bullied and pressured to go and stay for 7 days, every time they see me, as no matter how I try to explain things, I cannot get them to see my point of view. I want my DCs to have a good relationship with them and have said that if they can just wait a while longer, they?ll both be older and easier to manage in a car on longer journeys but right now as they?re both so young it is a lot to ask and it would be far easier for them to pack a small bag and come down to me instead and are welcome anytime.

I?m a lone parent now, with a 3 year old DD (just turned 3, I might add) and a 19 month old DS, their son has left me for a 21 year old, Montrose is 9 hours drive from me, if the traffic was good and I didn?t stop at all on the way up there and they expect me to pack up 2 toddlers, travel cots, ready bed, bedding, toys (as they have none up there), buggy and all the associated paraphernalia you have for 2 toddlers and drive on my own up there. My friends are lovely but all work full time or have families of their own and wouldn?t be able to come with me to help. My parents are elderly and aren?t able to offer to keep me company on the long journey either. When I try and tell them how stressful it would be to do it with 2 toddlers on my own. They then tell me that my H can come up with me. We?re in the middle of a divorce, yes we?re managing to keep it amicable but they do not seem to understand that it?s not appropriate for him to come and stay with me and the DCs for a week in Scotland. Not that the other woman?s feelings truly concern me but I?m pretty sure she wouldn?t be too impressed either, if H went away with his soon to be ex wife for a whole week. I sometimes think H?s parents haven?t quite grasped the fact we?re divorcing. MIL insists we just need to be grown ups about this and come up together to see them regularly. My DD has only just gotten used to the fact that daddy doesn?t live with us anymore and it would be very hard for her if he came with us for a week and then at the end, left us again. She?s so young and she still doesn?t truly understand why he no longer lives with us. I don?t want to confuse her or upset her and I know it would. She spent months crying and whimpering ?daddy gone, daddy lost? the last thing I want to do is confuse her again.

The thought of trying to drive at night with them instead, has crossed my mind but it would be too dangerous and I?d fall asleep at the wheel. I suppose I could arrange to stay in a B&B on the way up at a half way point and then finish the drive the following day? But it?s too much to ask of a daughter in law with 2 toddlers on her own I think and unfair. My DS gets fed up in his car seat after a while and I have to pass toys back to him regularly. I?ve tried story CDs, Kids music, great for DD, DS doesn't help I can time naps for the car journey I suppose as that?d help but he?d only sleep 90 mins in the day max in the car. So the rest of the time would require toys being passed back etc. My DD has only just been potty trained as well and I need to take her to the loo often to avoid accidents. I suppose I could put her in pull ups for the day? However it all comes back to the fact it?s an awful lot to ask of a DIL when they chose to move 9 hrs away, their choice and their son has left me to cope on my own. I keep saying it?ll be easier once they?re bigger and it won?t be long, I?m sure by next Summer it won?t be so bad to do it but they do not seem to take my point of view on board at all.

FIL called last night on the phone yet again and asked and dismissed all my concerns again, I felt so fed up as this has been going on since last October (he only finally moved 6 weeks ago and has already seen the GCs twice since then down here) I am always polite about it and keep trying to tell them how much easier it would be if they could just see me down here for now but they just do not let it lie. It all seems so unreasonable to constantly pressure me to go up there. MIL is often in the UK on business and it?s always in London so she is able to see the GCs lots anyway. FIL often comes down here too. I cannot see why they cannot take my pov on board. As my door is always open to them but I just want to wait until the DCs are slightly older to go up to Montrose on my own with them. As it is it would be a tough week and not relaxing with them and I know that. Life?s so hard with 2 toddlers, a divorce going through and money worries without this constant pressure from my PIL to go and stay in their lovely house. I?m sure the DCs would enjoy it of course but I just wish they?d listen to me and wait until next year. They chose to move 9 hours away from both their sons and their grandchildren and now I feel like they expect me to up sticks whenever they ask to go up there, when this wasn?t my choice or decision. I am also 100% certain that if I do the journey once they?ll then assume it?s no bother and expect me to go up there everytime MIL takes time off work, so I feel like I?m stuck between a rock and a hard place right now as I do not think I can win either way really, as they do not appreciate what they?re asking of me and what about if I ever meet a new man and he wants to do things with me and the DCs? What about when I return to work and only get 20 days holiday a year? What about the financial costs, the petrol is a lot too? If I could just agree to go up twice a year that would be ok I guess, if they came to me the rest of the time but I cannot see things being that straight forward, having known them now for 9 years

So what would you do in my situation as I was nearly close to tears last night when FIL yet again put me under pressure to go up there, as I?m about fit to burst with frustration now. Life is so hard right now, coming to terms with my marriage being over and being a lone parent with 2 toddlers Are my requests unreasonable?

Pardon my spelling - 'arses'

you are definitely NBU and I'll be another one to say, why can't their dad take them?

car journeys with small children can be hellish and there's no way I'd drive for 9 hours with my 2 and no-one else to help entertain them, I would go absolutely insane. It would be so stressful and horrible. And as you point out it'll cost you a fortune in petrol.
don't do it!

I think poppymouse is right. I'm sure they are distressed by the behaviour of their son and in denial of what it will mean for them. But they have to come to you for the next few years. You can't possibly drive up there and flying will probably be hard for the next year or two.

My H is in Switzerland with his mum this week and she has been pressuring him too again. It's like a 2 prong attack! He spoke to me by e-mail and said he'd outlined the same reasons to her yet again as well. They do live in lala land. It's all going to be wonderful if H and I and DCs come up, we'll all have such a lovely time together, we just need to be grown up about it all, despite divorce

I don't see how my H taking them up instead is better. Yes it's take the stress off of me but he'd find the car journey hellish too. He also struggles with the fact they've chosen to move so far away and also pressure him to go up all the time. I have outlined briefly in my post at 20:19 another reason I wouldn't be comfortable with my H doing the journey alone as well.

He is also on various tablets from the GP for suicidal impulses and depression actually. Although he's more stable now they've kicked in, I wouldn't feel comfortable with him driving them alone as he can get so agitated about it all. That's not fair on the DCs either, if H is a horror to them in his stress.

So rock and hard place. Would love to loose it with them whereyouleftit but it would just make an awkward situation worse. I did get upset on the phone yesterday but wobbly, tearful way, it would be nice if they finally got the message, but I doubt it...

I think maybe you're being far too nice. I wouldn't even contemplate driving, flying, being driven there in a silver rolls royce....unless I really wanted to go.

It's not your job to take them there, it's their father's.

Your PIL are BVVVU and demanding. I know it's their grandchildren but it was their choice to move so far away. They cannot expect you to drive up their, no way.

Tell them staight, they obviously need it spelling out to them.

Be true to yourself and put yourself and your DC first. It's time for you to be selfish. Life's hard enough without presure from ex in laws. x

Everything pinksmarties said.....

i would be getting quite brusque about this by now, they are being horrendously unreasonable. maybe the letter other posters are suggesting would make it sufficiently clear. also think it's your ex's job to maintain the relationship between the los and his parents. which does not mean that he should drive them either. if it were me, frankly, if they refused to hear me on this, i'd more or less stop taking their calls (i'm a bit surly, though, admittedly). you have enough to deal with, after all.

I agree with Pinksmarties. I also think that they seem to be determined to ignore the fact you and ex-P are separated and divorcing. Do you think there is any likelihood that they think "oh if we can just get them all here together it'll be OK"?

Either way, I think as much as you want to keep relations good because they are your childrens grandparents, you are going to have to be more firm with them. Cut across them if they start that conversation, say "look we've discussed this and gotten nowhere, lets not go there again, I have no intention of changing my mind", etc. I think they are clearly trying to bully you and because you've clearly been such a good DIL in the past, you are allowing it (without realising).

These people are your past now, time to make them realise you are in charge, not them ..

YANBU

It is not your responsibility to go to them, they should come to you.

However, I don't have any ideas how you can get that across to them, they sound very difficult. Can you just keep repeating 'Maybe when the kids are older'?

You sound fantastic though

I'm actually thinking of setting up caller id actually. So I can screen his calls Stripey, I am getting a bit tetchy, it's obviously too subtle for them to notice but given they're out of touch with reality anyway, I shouldn't be surpised

Well how lovely for them to have traveled so much with your ex when he was young.

Lets just do some maths shall we:

2 parents + 1 child = easy journey
1 parent + 2 children = journey from hell that only a sadist would contemplate!!!!!!!!!

Agree woth pinksmarties, put your foot down and shout NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

needanewname LOL, you've made me smile and laugh like a drain, I needed that, I loved your first post too, nodded to it a lot.

I suppose part of my frustration is that they never respected me as a mother even before separation with their son. MIL doesn?t believe children need naps after 6 months old and has often tried to undermine me about the DCs naps by talking to H about it and tell him she thinks I?m wrong and or wake them up/ interfere if they?re having a nap when I used to visit theirs in the days before the move. So I know going up there on my own would be tricky as she?d plan lots of things and then drag me and DCs everywhere all day and I know she?d scoff if I tried to incorporate their naps into her schedule and tell me I?m wrong and they?re not needed.

I reckon that's why he slept so well when they travelled, he was trying to catch up on sleep

Well, you've written it all down so why don't you just give it to them as a letter, they have to see your point!

I would try and keep good relations with them though and maybe think about doing the trip (preferably by train or plane) in a few years. It might seem a really nice holiday by then. Still more so perhaps a few years after that when you can send DC alone...

You sound like you're coping with a stressful situation very gracefully.

I think you need to stop engaging in conversation about it TBH. Your posts show you've thought through this from every angle. You need to 'broken record' them rather than keep explaining yourself to them.

MIL: Blah Blah you and exDH need to be adult about this and all come up together for a week.

Teaandcakeplease: I'm afraid that won't be possible. You're more than welcome to come and visit them here though.

MIL: Blah Blah trekked across Sahara with exDH strapped to a camel and he never made a peep. Come up.

Teaandcakeplease: I'm afraid that won't be possible. You're more than welcome to come and visit them here though.

Repeat as necessary.

You sound really considerate but they need to accept that it's not up for debate and you won't be worn down.

YANBU

Why not get your father in law to travel down to you then travel up together to share driving over a couple of days or ask your ex H to take the children with you - he can always fly back alone.

MIL: Blah Blah trekked across Sahara with exDH strapped to a camel and he never made a peep. Come up.

LMAO I love mumsnet

You're right I do indeed need to do that.

You poor woman. I'm sure one of the reasons that you're finding it so hard to be assertive with them is the recent huge knock your confidence must have taken when you found out about your ExH's affair.

I second the letter idea.

Maybe check back through the thread and look at how you've addressed other poster's questions.

Something like:

1. Firstly, I have no intention of witholding your grandchildren from you, so please don't be unquiet on that score. I value you as grandparents and want you to have a strong relationship with them.

2. I take on board your opinion that your son and I should be 'adults' in this situation, but in my opinion this does not translate to travelling for eighteen hours in a confined space together and spending a week in the same house when he has left me for another woman. I am being civil and reasonable, and think this is adult enough.

3. I'm glad that DH was easy to travel with, but there were two of you to deal with him, and I (for the reasons stated above) will be alone.

4. I warmly invite you to stay with us whenever you wish , and would like to put a date in the calender for us to come and stay with you in the summer of 2011.

YANDU. If they're that keen then they can buy all the kit needed to keep at their house, and pay for flights and taxis at each end. And FIL can come down and accompany you and the DCs there and back.

likely to happen?

Hi love

Weeeeel. I'd maybe do it, but only if I wanted to actually go. If I was going to feel like crap when I got there and not get a holiday out of it, then I wouldn't. But then travelling with the kids has never bothered me [until dd2 arrived, but she is mellowing out a bit too]

YA soooooooo NBU. Obviously. They are being bullies at worst, and tedious at best. Happily, they are his parents, not yours. So actually, you can dump it onto him.

I'd say you will not be going unless FIL comes down and drives you back up to help. That should sort that out pronto as I can't imagine they would consider it for a second.

Your other option is ex takes them. Had the split not happened then dad taking kids to see family is totally within normal parenting, so why not now? He is still dad, so let hm do it. He might not be 100% perfect at it, but he seems to care for them and will get better as he relaxed into it on his own maybe? Mine is waaaay better on his own. The kids will be fine, doted on by all of them, and you could reign in the visit to 4 days or so, so noone gets too tired and crabby.

Your line on that is 'Oh yes regarding the visit, well I have earmarked the week of ..... for the visit. I can't do it, I haven't the energy and I need to paint my house and plumb the bath and see the solicitor about the final divorce stage. There is so much to do with a divorce, even when you aren't the one who generated the need for it. So the plan is your son will be able to bring them up, so long as one of you meets him here, or half way. You'll need to speak to hin to finalise that as that is his idea. Do you know what dd did yesterday...it was so cute.....'

That should silence them for a few months.

Go when you are ready and have the vibe for it. Not a day before. I guess it is nice of them to ask. I think.

You have so much on chick, I admire how calm and happy and understanding you are. Your dc's are so lucky tea. Seriously, make your statement of intent to them, draw a line under it, and don't think about it again for 100 years.

I;m afraid I'd stop being nice about it. Next time they mention it I would say "I have explained to you why I will not be driving the children up to see you, if you persist in nagging me about it I will stop answering your calls."

YANBU, but I think you know that now! The only thing I would say given all the great advice here, is don't commit to a week or a date or anything next year, or the year after - your dd will just be 4 and your ds will be 2 and a half - still not ideal for driving all that way.

You need to keep saying - we'll come when both the dc and I are old enough to cope with such a long journey, and not before.

(Unless FIL is going to drive you / pay for you to stop in a B&B for a night on the way there and back / get in proper toys and equipment so that you can fly etc that is...) I am a lone parent to one child, who is 3 and today's 2.5 hr journey on a train was pretty trying!!

YANBU - Put yourself and your children first.

Your PIL are being very unreasonable and selfish too - no prizes for guessing where their son learnt it!

Surely one of the very few bonuses of your husband leaving should be that you no longer have to put up with his parents.

I'd be very tempted to show them this thread.