Thanks, I understand all of you who say that my child is more important than any man, that I am too good for him and all that - I believe that myself. Unfortunatley, what I feel is absolutely irrational. I have tried, believe me. I want to slap him and look him in the eye and ask him why, why did he tell me that he loved me, saw me throw my life away for him and then betray me. Why wasn't he able to even look at me today, when all I do is think of him - not that I can do otherwise, even though I've tried. Why doesn't he love me.
At first I used to think this feeling would fade and that eventually, I would feel better. But it's been months now (even years, if I count from the first moment we met and started being 'friends'). The pain has become unbearable. All I do is think of him. I'm not sure it's love anymore, it's more like a disease. I feel trapped and can't get out.
Tonight I text him a short message after we met, letting him know how bad I felt and that I wanted to die. He hasn't replied yet. This confirms my thoughts, he cares nothing about me.
But how can he? He said that he loved me. He told me he wanted to have a child with me. He wrote me letters for several months. He used to kiss me, and we would sleep together the whole night and he would make love to me again, and again... where did all that go? Was it all a lie? Did I deceive him so much, am I so worthless that he doesn't even care enough as to reply to my call out for help?
I am much better now. No, I didn't call the Samaritans, I called my ex instead, because he's still my best friend, and even though he's involved, I thought he could be the only one to understand me. We spoke for two hours. I'm much better now, but when I think of HIM, I feel like such a failure.
I wish I could stop loving him!