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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I WANT TO DIE!!!

100 replies

Obvnotmyrealname · 21/08/2010 20:38

I have just seen my ex with his wife (he went back to her after I quit my partner). I want to die! I can't stop crying!!! My child is not at home, she's with her grandparents, so I'm all alone. I'm having crazy thoughts... I don't know if to go out, everybody is on holiday, or stay at home, but I can't stand the pain. Please help me! Say something that makes me not want to jump out of the window!

OP posts:

spiritmum · 22/08/2010 08:56

Obv, crossed posts. No, the Samaritans aren't religious at all, they'll just listen.

Original poster

Obvnotmyrealname · 22/08/2010 08:56

dusty, glad to hear from you too. If you want to speak, here I am... I think I can receive PM.

OP posts:

dustycups · 22/08/2010 09:52

obv, when you feel ready i would be much appreicate if you could get this all deleted, if ya dont want to, ill get my posts deleted, just that i didnt name change and dont want them to stick around

ChippingIn · 22/08/2010 10:05

Morning Obvnot & Dusty - everyone else too o course!

Obv not - the dreams will stop, it's a bit of a vicious circle though isn't it - you'll feel better in the day when the dreams stop and the dreams will stop when you feel better in the day! However, the day is the one that you have the most control over. Getting some professional help is the best thing you can do - someone you can talk to face to face. Have you accepted that it's over or are you still planning things to try to get him back?

DC - if we use your initials you can just get the posts pulled with your full name, if you decide to do that can't you. Sorry about last night, if I had known you were still there I would have stayed talking to you, but you had said you were off to get some sleep. Why are you worried about changing your name - because of people on here or because of someone in RL? If it's just on here, really, you shouldn't worry - we all go through shit times :( It hurts so much not being able to have someone that you love and really, really want to be with. Have you had any councelling re your past? Do you want to talk about it?

Original poster

Obvnotmyrealname · 22/08/2010 10:53

Well, 'he' just texted me back a few minutes ago. Says he doesn't want to be cruel (I had called him cruel), and has offered to meet, either the three of us (with his wife) or just us two.

Don't know what to do.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 22/08/2010 11:19

What have you decided to do?

What do you hope to gain out of it? If he's offering to meet with his wife, he's clearly not considering leaving her again for you - but maybe if you meet him, just this once, you can ask him all of the questions you wanted to ask him last night?

I'm suprised he's offering both options though, either he hasn't spoken to his wife or she is very understanding.

Original poster

Obvnotmyrealname · 22/08/2010 11:20

What I want, he can't give me. I think I'll pass :,-(

OP posts:

spiritmum · 22/08/2010 11:21

Obv, this can only ever be your call. But it sounds to me like if he is including his wife then it is over.

So how about you take back your power and stop allowing him to hurt you and say no?

RunawayWife · 22/08/2010 11:23

OP he is cheating scum, get over him. I feel sorry for his poor wife taking him back in the first place

ChippingIn · 22/08/2010 11:26

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

However, I think if you pass on this opportunity to speak to him and ask 'Why?', 'What happened' then you have to resign yourself to not ringing him next time you are upset/annoyed with him and telling him that he's cruel and asking him questions. He's giving you an opportunity to do this now and really, after this, I think you have to let it go. He's made his choice, he's (likely) put his wife through hell and now they deserve a shot at putting their marriage back together, which they can't do if you keep calling him distressed.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I really do understand how you feel, but I can also see it from her point of view :(

spiritmum · 22/08/2010 11:27

Obvnot, sorry, crossed posts.

That's very strong of you.

What we want - what we all want - is to feel secure and happy and okay about ourselves. We all spend so much time chasing that through finding something outside when actually it's already within us.

The only person you need to love you is you.

RunawayWife · 22/08/2010 11:29

I think he made his choice and you need to walk away and let him and his poor wife sort out their lives, he is nothing to do with you now and you need to let him go

spiritmum · 22/08/2010 11:32

ChippingIn, I understand where you are coming from. But asking questions doesn't mean that you get answers, or answers make sense, or you may get answers that then lead to more questions after you've gone home and thought about it - or worst of all - false hope.

I just wonder if this guy has hurt Obv and his wife so much, is it not better to draw a line? I can just see any meeting being potential for more pain on all sides.

ChippingIn · 22/08/2010 11:39

spiritmum

I totally understand where you are coming from too, sometimes it does leave you with more questions than answers, but sometimes it does help and only Obv can decide what she wants to do.

My point really was that this (IMO) is her last reasonable opportunity to talk to him about it. After this she needs to walk away from it and heal herself and let them sort their marriage out.

SassySusan · 22/08/2010 11:47

I find it really hard to believe that anyone, anywhere wouldn't have heard of the Samaritans.

It sounds like a mess. You started an affair with a married man. Does he have DCs too? (I'm a bit that other posters have described him as a cheat for going back to his wife! Surely he was a cheat when he started shagging the OP)

You broke up your own family, depriving your DP of a daily relationship with his DD. Now you say you are a bad mother?

And you're harrasing both your ex's. I'm not sure how serious you are about attempting suicide, but it seems a bit unreasonable to threaten them with killing yourself.

It seems that you've put a relationship with another's woman's husband above your responsiblities to your own family. Is your DP your DD's dad - maybe she could go and live with him for a while, whilst you sort yourself out.

On a practical note, I would delete OM's number and details from your phone, so you can't call or text him. Are you working? You might be able to arrange some counselling through your work or GP.

dustycups · 22/08/2010 14:17

chippingin- i guess i worry people from real life will see although quite a few know i often feel that low.

dont feel like i can talk about it all here, this is obvnotmyrealname's thread!

i have tried councilling but it makes me feel worse!

ChippingIn · 22/08/2010 19:57

Sassy - I don't know if you meant me or not, but I don't think that people were saying he was a cheat for going back to his wife, simply that he cheated on his wife then also treat Onvnot badly as well - therefor he isn't a great catch. I'm not sure about the Samaritans, do the younger generation know who they are? (or just us old gimmers??) Everything you have said is right, I just don't think last night when Obvnot was 'on the edge' was the time to be telling her those things - she needed help not telling off. She still does. We all make mistakes and suffer the fall out don't we :( Hopefully it's not something she would do again and hopefully she can get over feeling like her heart is in 1000 pieces - because no matter how it got that way, it's not a nice way to feel :(

DC - Yes, I suppose you are quite identifiable in RL. But does it really matter? Sometimes we need to let our guard down to get the help/empathy we need x There's nothing wrong with thread sharing and it keeps you one step away from being identified.... I'm here if you want to talk...

SassySusan · 22/08/2010 20:34

I think everyone, even young people, have heard of the Samaritans. Though it has to be said, there are other helplines!

I suppose it is a difficult issue. Suicidal ideation is extremely common. People shouldn't discount how distressing it is to be contacted by a manipulative. am-dram ex, friend, relative etc, shrieking "I'm going to kill myself - no really, I am, right now". On the other hand, the consequences of a completed suicide are by far higher.

Technically OP doesn't sound anywhere near killing herself - no firm plans, or timeframe. But who knows. A distant cousin of mine did slash her wrists in similar circumsances. She was leaving her DH for an OM who changed his mind and went back to his wife. She left behind 2 little boys, aged 6 and 8.

dustycups · 22/08/2010 20:52

no your right it dont matter, feeling ok tonight actually but i dip up down.

sassy- i dont think you can really tell if someone is going to do it or not!
i once spent the day having fun with friends and was fine, by 12 that night i had taken a overdose, noone could of predicted it!

ChippingIn · 22/08/2010 21:01

DC - if you ever want to talk just hunt me down on another thread OK and we'll find somewhere to chat :)

SassySusan · 22/08/2010 21:10

I'm sorry to hear you have attempted suicide dustycups. I hope you can find some better support to deal with the lows.

I agree, it's impossible to tell who is serious or not. My bf killed himself a few years back, and I spent much time thinking and reading about it and talking with other suicide survivors. One thing you get pretty quickly is that the triggers for a completed suicide are usually pretty trivial stuff that most people would deal with. And lots of people will say they will kill themselves, so it is hard to tell if they will or not.

For a long time after BF's death, I used to get pretty anxious whenever anyone demonstrated any anxiety or distress (just incase they buggered off and hung themselves). These days I suppose I am less risk averse - so I am just giving honest advice. I hope the OP doesn't jump out of the window, but I very much doubt she will.

dustycups · 22/08/2010 21:19

thankyou chippingin!

sassy- i have got a huge support network but sometimes you feel like you dont wanna bother people! so sorry about you bf!!

SassySusan · 22/08/2010 21:23

It will bother them a lot more if you complete!

dustycups · 22/08/2010 21:38

i know

RunawayWife · 23/08/2010 19:09

I was saying he was a cheat for having an affair with the OP, I feel sorry for his wife.
She has to live day to day knowing he is cheating scum.

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