I WANT TO DIE!!!

[Obvnotmyrealname]

I have just seen my ex with his wife (he went back to her after I quit my partner). I want to die! I can't stop crying!!! My child is not at home, she's with her grandparents, so I'm all alone. I'm having crazy thoughts... I don't know if to go out, everybody is on holiday, or stay at home, but I can't stand the pain. Please help me! Say something that makes me not want to jump out of the window!

One day you will wake up and realise you haven't thought about Mr X for a whole day, then a week will pass and then a month, time is a great healer (I know that sounds like bullshit now but it's true).
Get out your photo albums, look at your girl.

Get angry. He let you down.

Sapecehopper, I wish it was as easy as that, really.

Curlymama, yes I called my ex-partner (the one I've been with for 8 years). The one I saw today with his wife is my ex-lover/boyfriend, whatever. I quit my ex-partner for him, but at that time he started being really cold to me all of a sudden, so I left him in order to show at least a bit of dignity. HA!!! If I could have seen myself now... Anyway, he immediately went back to his wife who lives in denial and forgave him everything (she believed what she wanted to believe, can't blame her though). He never called, or tried to contact me again, and I feel so hurt, because he spent a lot of time trying to make me believe that I wasn't just a game for him, that he actually loved me. Then once I met his wife on the street and we talked rationally about the whole thing... like 'adults'. According to her, he had told her that when he was making love to me he was really thinking of her. To me, heused to say that he found her absolutely undesirable and didn't feel anything for her. Such a liar! Makes me want to throw up. I really don't know how I can still love him... I suppose I'm a messed up silly stupid woman and I deserve everything bad that happens to me.

sounds like you're well rid

though I can understand it hurts right now

the best revenge is to do stuff for you, for your child, and have a brilliant life x

The thing is I firmly believe in 'whats meant to be always finds a way'.....bullshit you might say but for a personal example I was 11 my mum had died i had to live with a stepfather who didnt want me,he was a criminal the house was constantly raided i had no bedroom i had to sleep on the settee in the front room ,nobody wanted me I wanted to die.......im 36 now with 3 great dc in a relatively nice home and a bloke who loves me and has for almost 18 years my lifes not perfect but its better than i ever imagined.

Its a time thing - hes a knob he could have had you but he chose someone else -your Mr Right wont do that,you will wake up one day in the arms of a man who loves you and you will realise that a fragile heart strengthens in time.

In a way this is a bit like a bereavement theres stages you must pass my divorced friend can almost speak fondly of her ex now.

You have your whole life in front of you,you have a beautiful dd and who knows whats ahead??

So glad you came back on, i had been waiting up a bit longer in the hope you would answer.

the feeling will go and i know you may think its easy for us to say that, but honestly it will get better.

you already said you know he does not care, thats what you need to remember, so why should you give a damn about him. you need to find things to do over the coming weeks to distract yourself.

you are better than him in every way. its just some men and women are like this, really its hard to understand that he promised you everything, but didnt deliver. it sounds like it was really about what he wanted, thank your stars you had a lucky escape.

he sounds like a selfish excuse for a human, someone you do not need in your life, especially if he makes you feel like this.

glad you could chat with an ex, i hope he made you feel a bit better.

So glad you came back on, i had been waiting up a bit longer in the hope you would answer.

the feeling will go and i know you may think its easy for us to say that, but honestly it will get better.

you already said you know he does not care, thats what you need to remember, so why should you give a damn about him. you need to find things to do over the coming weeks to distract yourself.

you are better than him in every way. its just some men and women are like this, really its hard to understand that he promised you everything, but didnt deliver. it sounds like it was really about what he wanted, thank your stars you had a lucky escape.

he sounds like a selfish excuse for a human, someone you do not need in your life, especially if he makes you feel like this.

glad you could chat with an ex, i hope he made you feel a bit better.

Ooops sorry my phone goes a bit nutty when i post something long

You are not silly or stupid, and you don't deserve bad things to happen to you at all. This man chose to lie to you, he probably said all the things that he guessed you would want to hear, so it's no surprise that you fell in love with him. Lots of women would feel the same.

It's completely underatandable that you have so many questions that you would like him to answer. You know you would never treat someone that badly, so of course you wonder how someone else could do that.

How do you think will be able to cope with the next few days? Do you feel like you want to die alot of the time? Or do you just wish the hurt would go away somehow?

Yes, yes, yes... I know he's awful and mean. I know I've been an ingenue, a victim (that's another thing that makes me feel awful).

What kills me is that I still dream of him, and then it's all the same again. Like retaking everything from the best moment, I look at him, he looks at me, we are in love... and then I wake up feeling lonely, like somebody kidnapped and killed my lover and he's nowhere to be found.

OK, a bit melodramatic, but you get the idea.

How can I fight this??? How can I survive the dreams?

You dream of the nice time you had together - its gone,that will never come back - you will however have those times with someone worthy enough of your love.

Im inclined to think you need to shag someone else too.

curlymama, have you seen Little Miss Sunshine? I'm on Steve Carell mode when I'm with my family. I try to be the best mum I can to my child, I love her so much, but I am all miserable, and cranky, and just sit her in front of the tv so I can have a moment to myself. When I take her to the park I have no patiente... I watch myself from the outside and I know I'm being a terrible mother. But I try... really, I try. I think she'd be better off without me, at least for some time. Unfortunately, that is not a possibility.

You fight them by thinking how awful and mean he is whenever you think of him, including when you wake.

and tell yourself you are lucky that this horrid man who only thinks of himself is no longer in your life.

But that's silly, all the shagging! It's not about sex, I've been in love with the same guy for almost two years! I can't just 'shag' somebody! That would make me feel worse... It's love what I want, but I don't think I can recover and heal and go through all the process again.

What stragtegies do you think you might have to fight this, and deal with your loneliness?

Do you think you may be depressed, go and talk to your doctor aswell, they are there to help.

your daughter is better off with you, she will always need her mum.

I don't know, curlymama. Everything that I thought would work, hasn't. I thought I'd be stronger. All I can think of is... try to survive... make new friends... but who is going to want me in the state I'm in? And then, when I feel bad, it's so bad... that I just think of a way of ending everything. I'm not even scared of physical pain anymore. The only thinkg that keeps me from doing it is my child. But like I said, I'm not being the best mum in the world to her... I really wish I could heal, and be stronger... but I don't know how. These crisis take me by surprise... I catch myself thinking of him a thousand times a day... am going crazy...

Tiredmum, might consider getting some help, thanks :-) Thanks to all of you for worrying, really. I know how stupid I sound. But reading you really makes me feel better.

written down. Thanks to all, I am going to bed too... don't think I can sleep, but I will try to read and get distracted... will post again tomorrow morning.

Thanks again!

Never mind shagging someone else OP, have you considered being on your own and being happy and knowing that you have someone who loves you more than anyone ever will? Forget the twat who won't.

Perhaps when you change your mindset you'll find someone who makes you feel relaxed and comfortable. I did when I got over the toxic ideas I had grown up with that a woman has to be in a challenging and borderline-violent relationship to feel as if she's important. My DD was almost four when I met now DH. I needed a long time to recover.

I love DH to bits but if he ever put a negative stamp on my life with the DC in any way he would be out so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground and he knows it.

You are so very welcome, that is what we are here for.

i hope you get some sleep, you will need it for your strength.

if you want to mail me feel free.

in the mean time take care of yourself

I think what you need to realise is that what you are feeling is grief in its purest unadultered form . alot of people think grief only happens when a person actually dies ,but you can experience it when a relationship ends . I think if you can accept that ,then you might be able to see a way forward .

I'll be off to bed too then, I'm sorry if some of my questions were a bit intrusive on here, I know that it could come across as being a bit scary!

Hope you manage to get some sleep, and that we see you on here again tomorrow.