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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my sister is being very selfish and unreasonable?

99 replies

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 12:27

First post ever in here ... so a little nervous. Please be honest though, I really do want to know if I am BU to be so pissed off:

In the beginning of the year my family (living in Aus), my sister and her partner (in the America's) and my brother and his wife (and baby) decided to all spend Christmas together for the first time in years at my Mother's house (in a different part of the country to where my brother lives) - still with me?

This has required a significant amount of scrimping and saving on all parties. My brother and wife have a mortgage and a new baby; DH and I have a mortgage and an almost 4 and almost 1 yr old. DSis rents and both herself and partner work.

Today she informed me that they would be flying in on the 25th Dec but that it was ok as they would be getting in at 10:30 am. The airport is a good 2 hour drive from my mother's house. Presumably they imagine someone will pick them up as it's not a country where public transport or taxis are commonly used and they are not hiring a car. The reason is that the tickets are a lot cheaper and that she only goes on holiday on the 18th Dec.

I asked her if she wouldn't be sad to miss Christmas morning (as really that is when we 'do' christmas traditionally in our home - and the reason we were all planning to get home for Christmas was to revisit our Christmas of old). Her response was that we should move Christmas to the next day and she was horrified that I was not keen.

AIBU to think that if she chooses to avail herself of the cheap flights she should expect to slot in - not make us all hang around and pretend Christmas isn't actually happening on the real day only to save them a few $. My brother and his wife are spending their baby's first Christmas away from her family to take part in this event and we are missing out on a number of pre-Christmas functions here etc to be there. My DH only finishes work on the 22nd and is literally jumping on a plane immediately to make it. I am leaving much earlier than planned as my mom is flying out here to fly back with me to help with the girls and so that they will be over their jetlag in time for Christmas. We have saved and not had any holidays at all for a long time to try and make this 'once in 10 years/more' event happen.

Am I just being petulant? MN jury please decide!

OP posts:

RunawayWife · 20/08/2010 12:30

Have your Christmas without the selfish cow

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 12:30

I think you might be unreasonable - if everyone else has to scrimp and save, its fair enough that she has to as well - of doesn't she?

It seems everyone is spending money to get to Australia to spend Christmas.

Can't you re-jig things a bit so you open presents on Christmas night after she arrives and then "do" the food thing the next day? With the big family meal etc?

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 12:32

YANBU. I wouldn't go pick her up. I'd tell her she needs to hire a car and Xmas will be Xmas day. If she doesn't like it, too bad.

It's possible her flight could be delayed, too.

So refuse to let her ruin the day.

She's being a cow and if it were my sister, I'd tell her so.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 12:33

Oh, and you have little kids. It's about them on Xmas morning, not rejigging things for her book ass.

FakePlasticTrees · 20/08/2010 12:34

no - Christmas day is Christmas day, she can be there or not. If she's really struggling, could you help find the difference in costs to fly the night before?

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 12:34

What is her financial situation though? Is she just being tight or is she having to be careful? Because it is sometimes half as much money if you fly on Xmas day, for the very reasons that you have mentioned - people dont want to miss the day.

Maybe she can't afford it? Its really hard to know if you are being unreasonable without that info. I will re-read your OP in case I have missed something.

sanielle · 20/08/2010 12:35

Confused.. Do you live in australia or the UK? Is she the only one flying in to OZ? if so think she has to do what she can afford and you guys should hold off till noon or whenever you get home. SHe may not be able to afford to come before

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 20/08/2010 12:36

Your kids won't know what day Christmas is can you not just put everything back a day ie do christmas eve on the 25th and christmas day on the 26th.

bibbitybobbityhat · 20/08/2010 12:36

She's got a really good point, though, hasn't she? Its not just a few £££, its a lot of money you save by flying on Christmas Day. Why can't the whole family just move Christmas back one day? Are you all terribly religious?

Original poster

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 12:37

Yes - she does! But she has had lots of trips this year - so obviously hasn't been saving for this one in particular!

DH and I live in Aus - we are all going back to South Africa.

We could rejig things - but the whole point was having our traditional family Christmas - with father christmas coming at 5am and mince pies under the tree way before any reasonable person should be thinking about sugar! Lunch at 2 after a jolly cooking session and then tons of leftovers for dinner with the Christmas movie.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 12:37

4-year-olds know when Xmas day is.

BlueFergie · 20/08/2010 12:37

I'd be pissed off with this too. She is being selfish, but you could work some compromise. Do the presents for the adults the evening she arrives and have dinner after she gets there (probably about 1/2ish) Do the kids presents in the morning though as they shouldn't be made wait, and have a big breakfast for everyone who is there.
Also tell her she'll have to rent a car. its outrageous to expect someone to do a 4 hour round trip on Christmas Day to pick her up.

SparklyJules · 20/08/2010 12:38

Move Christmas? No way! If you have all managed to scrimp and save and get an earlier flight then it's not impossible. Christmas takes place on 25 December every year - plenty of advance warning. Also, there will be 3 kids who will NOT want to wait around until the evening to open presents (and who possibly wouldn't last until that time anyway) and grandparents who will also not to wait around to see their grandchildren open presents.

I'd tell her you are all going ahead as planned and she will have to organise herself to get there as she is now a grown up and capable of doing so.

Original poster

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 12:38

Sorry - x-posted! We are in Aus, she is in Costa Rica and we are going to South Africa. Brother in different part of SA to Mum.

OP posts:

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 12:39

I have to fly to Oz, though from the UK, to do Christmas sometimes. The fares literally double on about the 4th December right up to 25th - sometimes more than double, depending on times and airlines. This can be the difference between going or not for some people.

Yet if you fly Christmas morning or even Boxing day, the flights are even cheaper than late November and the airports are blissfully quiet (Xmas day they are anyway)

With a 4 year old and a 1 year old, you could "delay" Xmas without them even knowing.

If the whole point of Xmas is to be together and do it how you used to, why WOULDN'T you want to delay it a day? Or is it all about you? Or am I seriously missing something here - like she's a millionaire or something or owns an airline or has a private jet?!?

Original poster

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 12:39

I think part of the problem might be that she is the baby of the family and used to being the indulged one - of course now she is no longer!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 12:40

Xmas day is Xmas day. I'd tell her she needs to hire a car. Not spend 4 hours in a car on Xmas day picking her up.

Tough.

sanielle · 20/08/2010 12:41

Tbe fair I think most of the kids will be cofused as to what day of the week it is when you do arrive, and maybe push it a day back and all of you get cheap tickets! More money for xmas pressies :)

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 12:41

Sorry, cross posted, realise now you are in SA (or will be) but still probably makes a huge difference in flight costs.

It sounds to me like she has saved a few $$$ on the basis that she is sure enough that you want to spend the day nicely that you will re-jig it.

She is wrong, therefore I suppose she will have to pay the price for being either tight or sensible with money, depending on her financial situation.

bibbitybobbityhat · 20/08/2010 12:42

FGS! The children aren't the ones having to fork out double airfare. I cannot believe how incredibly precious some people are about Christmas. Especially the non-religious.

VinegarTits · 20/08/2010 12:43

So you all live in Oz apart from you sister? or have i read that wrong?

YABU to expect your dsis to not want to take the cheaper flights, but she is BU to expect everyone esle to move xmas for it, if she gets flight xmas day then she misses half the day, her own fault, but you can still all be together in the evening and the next day cant you? just make the most of the time you do have together

Original poster

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 12:45

Well my extremely precocious four year old WILL know. She is already counting down and has made herself a calendar. The babies won't - but it is my brother and his wife's first Christmas with their baby and I know I was awfully PFB with DD1's first Christmas. It just seems wrong that we have all made the effort and paid the extortionate ticket prices to then have to sit and wait for her to turn up on her bargain flight. If we had made the plan earlier and all been in on it - it would've been different. Otherwise we could've had a pretend Christmas at any time of year!

OP posts:

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 12:46

You know what - it wont kill the children to "wait" for their presents a bit.

In our family (DH's side) we have a stocking in the morning, which gets opened upon waking, but the main present giving does not get done till after Xmas lunch. And that includes all dishes done and put away.

Yes, it is a little torturous for the children of a certain age seeing all those presents under the tree and having to wait, but in order for everyone to be able to relax and enjoy the occasion, that's how it is done.

And its really lovely sitting there having done the huge dinner bit and finding that there is more fun to be had. It does them no harm, a little delayed gratification. Of course its up to you if you choose to change things or not but they wont actually combust.

bibbitybobbityhat · 20/08/2010 12:47

Ahh, so she's selfish and unreasonable because the rest of you weren't so canny?

DuelingFanjo · 20/08/2010 12:47

you sound like you are jealous of her 'wealth' so I recon there's more to this than just her wanting a day changed.

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