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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is being very selfish and unreasonable?

99 replies

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 12:27

First post ever in here ... so a little nervous. Please be honest though, I really do want to know if I am BU to be so pissed off:

In the beginning of the year my family (living in Aus), my sister and her partner (in the America's) and my brother and his wife (and baby) decided to all spend Christmas together for the first time in years at my Mother's house (in a different part of the country to where my brother lives) - still with me?

This has required a significant amount of scrimping and saving on all parties. My brother and wife have a mortgage and a new baby; DH and I have a mortgage and an almost 4 and almost 1 yr old. DSis rents and both herself and partner work.

Today she informed me that they would be flying in on the 25th Dec but that it was ok as they would be getting in at 10:30 am. The airport is a good 2 hour drive from my mother's house. Presumably they imagine someone will pick them up as it's not a country where public transport or taxis are commonly used and they are not hiring a car. The reason is that the tickets are a lot cheaper and that she only goes on holiday on the 18th Dec.

I asked her if she wouldn't be sad to miss Christmas morning (as really that is when we 'do' christmas traditionally in our home - and the reason we were all planning to get home for Christmas was to revisit our Christmas of old). Her response was that we should move Christmas to the next day and she was horrified that I was not keen.

AIBU to think that if she chooses to avail herself of the cheap flights she should expect to slot in - not make us all hang around and pretend Christmas isn't actually happening on the real day only to save them a few $. My brother and his wife are spending their baby's first Christmas away from her family to take part in this event and we are missing out on a number of pre-Christmas functions here etc to be there. My DH only finishes work on the 22nd and is literally jumping on a plane immediately to make it. I am leaving much earlier than planned as my mom is flying out here to fly back with me to help with the girls and so that they will be over their jetlag in time for Christmas. We have saved and not had any holidays at all for a long time to try and make this 'once in 10 years/more' event happen.

Am I just being petulant? MN jury please decide!

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 20/08/2010 12:49

your 4 year old made herself a calender? with months on it and days, all by herself, wow that is really talented, my 4 yr old has only just about grasped the days of the week (i.e mon, tues...) let alone dates!

Just tell your 4 yr her calender is a day out, she wont know

sanielle · 20/08/2010 12:49

No matter how precocious your 4 year old is.. I suspect she will be confused by ridiculously long flight and flight changes.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/08/2010 12:50

YANBU seeing as the rest of you have saved up and made plans to be there on time.

sanielle · 20/08/2010 12:51

Ha ha ha ha vinegar tits. Op can just add a day when she isn't looking.. Or swap her advent calendar with a look alike where she has "forgotten" a date.

VinegarTits · 20/08/2010 12:52

exactly sanille, tell her nov has 31 days Grin

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 12:54

A precocious 4 year old might find that a lesson about the true meaning of Christmas is just what she needs. Not about observing the "correct" day, and not about opening a pile of presents, but of spending time with family and friends, considering others before oneself and not being all about "me"...

YABU

Onetoomanycornettos · 20/08/2010 12:57

I would accept this but not delay Christmas Day. The children can have stockings in the morning and wait til afternoon/evening for swapping pressies (we do this anyway). But, she also needs to accept that you can't spend four hours driving on Christmas Day (so they need to hire a car to get there) and that the flight might be delayed and they will have to miss most of it. It is a bit irritating, but surely joining other family members around lunch-time isn't unusual, we used to drive to my grans around this time and never felt cheated they didn't see us open their stockings. But delay Christmas day, I wouldn't personally.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 20/08/2010 12:59

YANBU, CHristmas is really important to some people (it is to me anyway) i would find some way to compromise so you can all be together on CHristmas and have the family time you wanted.

slhilly · 20/08/2010 13:00

I would be asking her how she plans to get from the airport to the house. If she responds by saying she's expecting someone to pick her up, you can have a straightforward conversation with her about how you feel about someone else having to give up 4 hours on Xmas to go tend to her needs (and be away from their kids for that amount of time as well). If she says she's planning on renting a car, I'd be telling her to stop planning and make the rental happen right that very minute, cos renting a car on Xmas day is likely to be quite tricky unless (even?) if done well in advance, I'd guess.

On moving Xmas day, I'd say to her quite clearly that if she wants to save money that's fine, but you're going to go ahead and have Xmas at its appointed time. However, you'll all have a lovely time together on boxing day. She could, as you say, have saved the money by not taking one of her other trips.

Niecie · 20/08/2010 13:02

I don't think YABU. The majority can be together for the day she can do so too. Even if she skint I don't see that lots of people should have to change their plans to fit in with one other person.

She should imo, be hiring a car and making sure she gets to you in time for lunch. She might miss some of the present opening but you can have another session, with her presents when she arrives.

What does she expect you to do all day on Christmas Day if you are putting everything off until the next day. You would all be sat around twiddling your thumbs trying to pretend the rest of the world wasn't getting on with Christmas on the proper day. It would be really weird.

lyns2 · 20/08/2010 13:12

Wants more important to you. Sticking to the rigid routine of christmas just because its what you usually do or spending the precious time together as a family(no matter what day that happens to be)?.
It seems to me that after you have ALL(including sister) made an extra special effort to be together then the last thing you should be worrying about is when to open xmas prezzies/have dinner.
Sounds to me like a bit of sibling jealousy going on(re your comment on her being the indulged one).Whether thats the case or not you just have to let it go and try and enjoy the time you all have(cos as you say maybe wont be able to do it again for 10 years?).

slhilly · 20/08/2010 13:17

sloanypony:
"A precocious 4 year old might find that a lesson about the true meaning of Christmas is just what she needs. Not about observing the "correct" day, and not about opening a pile of presents, but of spending time with family and friends, considering others before oneself and not being all about "me"..."

I'm all for 4-year olds learning this lesson, but it doesn't seem like the OP's sister has learned it, and she's an adult. She hasn't given any thought to how others might feel about having to pick her up from the airport, or having to have Xmas a day later, or about not having one of her other holidays so that this one could work out as originally planned.

It's not only what she's done, it's also how she's done it. She didn't call up the OP and say, we'll be coming in only on Xmas day, but don't worry about collecting me, I've got that in hand. She didn't say "I know you guys will have got there the night before, but we really do want to save the money" etc.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 20/08/2010 13:24

I think she is entitled to get the cheaper flight but she needs to get herself from the airport and you need to get on and have Christmas morning on Christmas morning. You can always save some presents for after lunch (we usually do a split session). Auntie arriving in the middle of the day will be exciting for the kids anyway.

I'd make santa come at 7 rather than 5 though! Then by the time the dc have opened stockings, you've all got dressed, had a leisurely breakfast and done some prep for lunch then it will almost be time for her to arrive anyway.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/08/2010 13:34

I agree with Freakoid. Your dsis arriving part way through the day will add to the excitement, and doing presents in two halves works, too.

But she absolutely must arrange her own transfer from the airport. Unless someone else is genuinely happy to spend 4 hours in a car on Christmas morning, that is.

Weirdly if you had me as an extra sister I'd offer to go and get her - but that's because I love, love, love driving my car and the empty roads on Christmas day would be a joy. Although of course driving in SA is a different kettle of fish I imagine. I digress... Grin

FakePlasticTrees · 20/08/2010 13:35

I don't see that this is too much of an issue - you tell her she's ok to take the cheaper flight, assuming she'll be there for 2pm ish, you can push Christmas dinner back until 3pm (big breakfast for everyone tokeep you all going) and tell her she needs to hire a car as noone will be able to pick her up on christmas day. She'll miss 'pressies being opened' but will be there for lunch and she can hand out her gifts, be given hers after lunch.

But asking you all the change christmas is a bit much - apart from anything else, you might be able to lie to a 4 year old about when christmas is now, but you'll have to stop all access to the TV and radio for 22nd/23rd/24th/25th December. Not going to happen.

shongololo · 20/08/2010 13:41

YANBU. SOmeone is presumably expected to get upand leave the house by 8:30 to go fetch her....and then drive back. Plus the faff of waiting at the airport....

Id let the kids and granny and oupa have their lovely relaxed christmas morning with the grandchildren (isnt THAT what christmas is about?) and adults can hold off until after dinner to do pressies. But noway should a 4 yo have to wait for auntie to swan in. ANd no way should anyone have to mess about on Christmas day to fetch her.

Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 13:49

'I don't see that this is too much of an issue - you tell her she's ok to take the cheaper flight, assuming she'll be there for 2pm ish, you can push Christmas dinner back until 3pm (big breakfast for everyone tokeep you all going) and tell her she needs to hire a car as noone will be able to pick her up on christmas day. She'll miss 'pressies being opened' but will be there for lunch and she can hand out her gifts, be given hers after lunch. '

That's exactly what I said to her - but she is horrified that we would even entertain the idea of doing the morning without her.

To be fair, the entire focus of our Christmas is the morning. My Mum is extremely into it all and has always (well, until we all scattered over the globe) hurried us to bed on Christmas Eve and then decorated the living room so that when we awoke (to the bells signaling Father Christmas's departure) the entire space was a magical Christmas wonderland with old fashioned German carols crackling on the record player and hundreds of candles twinkling (hence the 5am wake up - summer in SA so has to be early to get the effect).

I don't want her not to be there. We all dote on her - she is the youngest quite significantly and has been very lovingly spoiled by us all. And if the children weren't involved or if we hadn't all made such an effort to make sure we could be together to recreate our family Christmas I suppose I wouldn't care as much...

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 20/08/2010 13:52

I really can't decide if i think yabu or not Confused

I wouldn't expect everyone to change their plans for 1 person. Nor would i expect a lift from the airport on christmas day.

But, if we were doing it would save us a fortune to fly actually on xmas day. Not just a few pounds but a lot of money.

I think your sisters financial situation makes a difference.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 13:58

'That's exactly what I said to her - but she is horrified that we would even entertain the idea of doing the morning without her. '

Then too bad. She needs to get her own transport and just suck it up. It's unreasonable to expect the entire family to jig everything around her so she can save money when the rest of you stumped up.

Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 14:04

Ah expat - I knew I liked you! [suck up emoticon]

OP posts:
Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 14:06

GOTW - I'm not really sure of her financial situation. We aren't a family that discusses finances. HOWEVER - she and her partner both work, have no loans or mortgages, no children and have managed a few other trips over the last year.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 20/08/2010 14:07

Well, it's now her decision. you are doing Christmas Day morning on Christmas Day morning, this is not unreasonable. She can decide if she wants to give something else up to be there or not. If she really can't afford it, well it's a pity, but she'll be there for the afternoon and the next few days spent with family. The 'magical morning' does sound fabulous, and your 4 year old will adore it!

Bonsoir · 20/08/2010 14:13

I think your plans for getting your family together for Christmas were very ambitious, and that this is where they have come apart.

Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 14:15

Thanks FPT - but I STILL don't know if I'm being UR or not - and whether I should take her side and persuade the others to do it all on the 26th!

OP posts:
Niecie · 20/08/2010 14:15

What do the rest of the family have to say about it all? Are they willing to do as she wants?