To think my sister is being very selfish and unreasonable?

[ShrimpOnTheBarbie]

First post ever in here ... so a little nervous. Please be honest though, I really do want to know if I am BU to be so pissed off:

In the beginning of the year my family (living in Aus), my sister and her partner (in the America's) and my brother and his wife (and baby) decided to all spend Christmas together for the first time in years at my Mother's house (in a different part of the country to where my brother lives) - still with me?

This has required a significant amount of scrimping and saving on all parties. My brother and wife have a mortgage and a new baby; DH and I have a mortgage and an almost 4 and almost 1 yr old. DSis rents and both herself and partner work.

Today she informed me that they would be flying in on the 25th Dec but that it was ok as they would be getting in at 10:30 am. The airport is a good 2 hour drive from my mother's house. Presumably they imagine someone will pick them up as it's not a country where public transport or taxis are commonly used and they are not hiring a car. The reason is that the tickets are a lot cheaper and that she only goes on holiday on the 18th Dec.

I asked her if she wouldn't be sad to miss Christmas morning (as really that is when we 'do' christmas traditionally in our home - and the reason we were all planning to get home for Christmas was to revisit our Christmas of old). Her response was that we should move Christmas to the next day and she was horrified that I was not keen.

AIBU to think that if she chooses to avail herself of the cheap flights she should expect to slot in - not make us all hang around and pretend Christmas isn't actually happening on the real day only to save them a few $. My brother and his wife are spending their baby's first Christmas away from her family to take part in this event and we are missing out on a number of pre-Christmas functions here etc to be there. My DH only finishes work on the 22nd and is literally jumping on a plane immediately to make it. I am leaving much earlier than planned as my mom is flying out here to fly back with me to help with the girls and so that they will be over their jetlag in time for Christmas. We have saved and not had any holidays at all for a long time to try and make this 'once in 10 years/more' event happen.

Am I just being petulant? MN jury please decide!

No way are you BU, shrimp.

My SIL has often flown in on Christmas morning (always been on stand by through airline employee deals) and has never expected anyone elses children to pretend Christmas isnt happening!

Your sis sounds like she hasnt figured out that she's not the baby of the family everyone is dying to see open her presents: its about the next generation now and watching their faces (OK your brother's baby and your littlest might not get it entirely but your 4 year old will)

No lift from the ariport. No postponing kids presents. No day changing.

But lunch could be later and adult presents in the evening.

and noones mentioned how she'll feel with jet lag and how much fun she'll be on Christmas day! Send her to bed as soon as she arrives....

YABU - I would move Christmas day. Yes, she is BU, but surely the whole point of this entire expensive exercise is that you ALL have Christmas together?

Better to be gracious, and have it on Boxing Day, than have a tense day with sister arriving half way through jet lagged and exhausted.

Might be a small point but I'm not sure what your point is in pointing out that you and your brother have mortgages and she rents. Firstly, rent is often just as expensive as a mortgage (ours is much higher than a mortgage would be), and secondly, people often rent precisely because they don't have the money for a down payment (that's our situation, anyway). You seem to be using the fact that she rents as evidence that she has more disposable income than the rest of you, and I don't get that.

I just realised I used "point" three times in the first sentence. Sorry.

That's what I think! And Christmas is important to us! The real day! Hence us all making this effort to be together for it. I can't imagine us all sitting around once she's arrived not feeling like dills waiting for the 'real day' the next day when we all actually know it's passing us by.

If it was me I'd just say yes you'll do Xmas day with her a day late - but then go ahead and do it the day before without her too. Just blame it on the kids being too excited to wait.

What does she expect you to do on Xmas morning itself? Pretend it's a normal day?

What no bucks fizz????!!!!

cross- posting again. I do think she has at least some disposable income. I put the whole monetary bit in just to make it clear that she wasn't a starving student or someone who had just bought her first home and was trying desperately to make her mortgage payments. I completely understand that her money might be tied up but I am finding hard to understand why, after planning this family Christmas, she has decided to arrive on the cheaper flight and expects everyone to move Christmas Day purely to accommodate her, especially as she has had a few other holidays this year. We all have financial ties (hence me putting in the bit about our kids and mortgages). We have all prioritised this holiday because if we don't, we may not get this chance again for awhile.

So I am annoyed that she has chosen to spend her money on other holidays and not saved as we have for this one and then expects us all to postpone Christmas so she can save the money on this flight.

Tell her to go get knotted then. Christmas is Christmas and Boxing Day is Boxing Day and if she doesn't like it she's still got plenty of time to change her tickets.

I used to fly in to see my family on Christmas Day (was in teh US, though, a 2 hour flight from Denver to Houston) often enough but mostly because it can be hard to get Christmas Eve off. If I could get the time off, I'd go earlier.

This was before I had children myself, and the airport was only a 30 minute drive away from my parent's house, but I usually hired a car anyhow because I liked being able to tool around on my own.

Hi, sorry, I became totally engrossed on this thread as my family is similar in that we're all spread out, we try to do a proper Christmas, taking turn where we have it, every other year.

We plan it early and everyone make a proper holiday out of it. So we have everyone there beforehand, go skiing or something in the days running up! Anyway - total tangent!

Out of curiostiy I thought I would check Expedia, and if she is flying London- Johannesburg (obviously just random guesses so could be totally out) it's only about 100 quid more expensive to fly the 23rd (arriving 24th). So when you factor in car hire, petrol and all the hassle its actually not really worth it is it?

Do you think it's just bad planning on your sisters part? I don't guy why she'd arrange such awkward flights for such a small sum?

Expat - that is exactly what I want to tell her! Exactly. I was just afraid I was being unreasonable. Hence the question in the first place

YABU - it takes a little flexibility from all to make these 'precious' meet-ups possible.

Speaking as someone in a vaguely similar position,it would make me cry if my brother or sister thought we were all being so sniffy about what time they arrived on Christmas day when they have flown half-way round the world to spend Christmas with me and the rest of the family. Lighten up and recognise that change can sometimes be a good thing!

I LOVE our Christmas traditions (doing everything the same way since I was born until a few years ago! ) but I decided to embrace shaking the rountine up a little to accomodate everyone when situations changed. Do the Santa things in the morning with the kids and then let them be the first to show auntie and uncle their pressies when they arrive in time for lunch! Move some of the traditional stuff until the next day so they don't miss out either. Best of both worlds.

Also, your eldest is only 4. Any number of magical reasons why Santa is coming a day later because he wanted to stay longest eating their mince pies or whatever suitable nonsense we all do with little children!

Sorry, long post - but I think you need to remember how lucky you are that it is feasible for you to do this once in a lifetime celebration. Both parties need to be flexible and remember: you will not be doing this again for many years to come. Be nice to each other; this is special

PS defo need to hire a car, though!

Go ahead as you would normally with or without her. I can't believe you think she would be selfish enough to ask your brother to go and get her when he should be spending the day with his wife and new baby. Think about how the wife would feel, even just about having to change the day. She is spending her babys first Christmas away from her own home and family as it is, without a spoilt sister in law expecting everything to revolve around her. Please don't take your sisters side, think of your poor sister in law.

TBH, she could fly in sooner if she wanted, so I don´t see why everything/one should revolve around her!

I think you're both BU to an extent.

She's booked tickets purely thinking of the financial implications - that was UR of her.

But now imagine this - she's flying halfway round the world to take place in one day.... and now she's going to miss half of it.

I think she was foolish. But now she's been foolish I think you should accommodate her. Honestly, how will she feel arriving halfway through the day, exhausted, jet lagged and having missed the bit you've said is the main event ie the morning.

Look, whichever way you go now, it's not going to be 100% what was planned. That wasn't your fault, and I can see it's irritating, but that's how it is now. Just do something else on Christmas Day. It can still be special. It can still be Christmassy. Then have the full on day the following day, with your Mum playing host to all her children. IT'S ONLY ONE YEAR.

YANBU. I agree that she has probably had to save like the rest of you but I don't see why everyone else should 'move' their Christmas to suit her. Have your Christmas as normal and she can join the celebrations when she arrives. It's not just her Christmas it's for all of you.

I think YANBU - you all agreed to do this at the beginning of the year, you've all saved for it and planned to make Xmas special. Your DSis has had just as much opportunity to do this as the rest of you and plenty of time to flag up if she is unable to find the money.

I'm sure that part of the reason your mum is keen is that she wants the chance to do her 'magical' christmas for all her new GC just as she once did for her children and she would be disapointed if Christmas had to be moved or adjusted. Perhaps your sister, not having children yet herself, doesn't really see that.

Your sister is being a bit immature I suspect and thinking like the baby of the family rather than one of the adults. She could also be feeling a bit left out though if she is the only one now without children - my relationship has changed with my mum since I had DD, we are much closer and my mum adores her new GD, and I know one of my sisters is a little bit jealous of our new relationship and feels the need to 'test' that my mum still has plenty of time for her. It is totally understandable, perhaps your sister is unconciously feeling the same way?

She has time to change the tickets. It's still months away.

They're all flying in from all over the place, but she doesn't have a jet-lagged kid to deal with on top of that.

YANBU.

Have your Christmas as planned, you're hiring her a car if she doesn't want to change the tickets, that's more than generous of you.

I think it's up to your Mum as it's her house.

I'm also a bit surprised that you call your sister indulged when your Mum will fly all the way to Australia to help you with your own kids on a flight.

If your brother is in South Africa is his wife South African and is her family there? Maybe they could spend the Christmas Day with her family and come to you on Boxing Day. It could work for everyone.

I think flights from Latin America to Africa are about £2000 each so if she and her partner can save money I don't see why your family wouldn't support that.

YANBU at all, for reasons already well discussed.
"the reason we were all planning to get home for Christmas was to revisit our Christmas of old"
I can see that being the first mistake in my family and indeed many others! but hope you have a good one.
(Can't believe I'm really typing this, actually - stressing when it's only August is not a good sign!)

I think she is being a little self obsessed to presume that you will all move Christmas for her and to book flights that arrive on Christmas Day without discussing it with you first. It is this presumption that would p*ss me off actually rather than the event.

I do understand your annoyance that your sister is getting a cheap flight after swanning around on other holidays all year when you have scrimped and saved but its not unreasonable for her to try and get tickets that are as cheap as possible. BUT I think if this doesn't fit with others plans she should suck it up really rather than expect you all to change for her. Her ASKING for this before booking the tickets isn't a deal breaker in my opinion and it should be considered but at the end of the day it isn't reasonable for her to EXPECT you to all change your plans to suit her.

However I don't personally think it is such a big deal to do Christmas the next day - assuming everyone else is still there and you are not very religious or anything. I am a Dr and therefore sometime have to work at Christmas and when this has happened we have changed the day and it has made no difference at all. This WAS before children but they are young enough to get this. You say your dd is counting days to Christmas already but it is only august ffs - it would be really easy to alter her counting in some way without giving the game away.

After all that though my feeling is that you should ask your Mum what SHE wants given that she is hosting. If it is really important to her that your sister is there for the whole shebang I think that you should find a way to fool your dcs into thinking Christmas is a day later. If it is important to your Mum that Christmas is at Christmas then your sister needs to either change her flight or suck it up.

Well, I have only read page one (so far) but I
think it is a good idea to have the celebration the next day. Because my dh has had to work many a Christmas Days, we got used to having it on Christmas Eve, or Boxing day, from time to time. Same for Easter, Thanksgiving and birthday parties.

The idea, to our family anyways, is to celebrate being together, love, fun and goodwill. We are not religious, and Dec. 25th isn't even when Jesus was born anyways. You could still have a wonderful celebration on the 25th, attend church if you do that, play games or sing, whatever you all enjoy. Come on, work around it!

"I don't want her not to be there. We all dote on her - she is the youngest quite significantly and has been very lovingly spoiled by us all."

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but it sounds to me like your family are reaping what you have sewn. You have spoiled your little sister so it's no wonder she is expecting everything to revolve round her. I think its time you told her to grow up, that its not all about her, she is no longer the baby as there are grand kids to think about and Christmas is ultimately for kids. I agree with Fake Plastic Trees, it shouldn't be about when things happen but about spending time together as a family, especially when you are scattered around the globe the way you are. If she is 'horrified' at the thought missing your traditional day then she should have saved up for the expensive flight. She cant have it both ways.

As a compromise, could you offer for your brother, your mum and you to split the difference of the more expensive ticket for her Christmas gift?

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable - having flown to Australia on new years day before, the price differences for flying on days like xmas day etc can be massive, so i can understand her wanting to save money.

However, she is being unreasonable not to have discussed it first, and also to expect you to postpone xmas when you've got young kids! Explain to her that the kids are the priority now - she's not the baby of the family anymore!

Best solution - you have xmas as usual, but maybe delay xmas dinner til later. She hires a car and arrives in time for dinner, and can give out/have her presents then. Kids will be happy as the present-giving will be more spread out for them. She's missing out on xmas morning, but that's her choice by booking those flights! Tbh, it will be all about the kids so you won't really miss her.

But don't let it spoil your family get together, sounds like it means a lot to everyone.