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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is being very selfish and unreasonable?

99 replies

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 12:27

First post ever in here ... so a little nervous. Please be honest though, I really do want to know if I am BU to be so pissed off:

In the beginning of the year my family (living in Aus), my sister and her partner (in the America's) and my brother and his wife (and baby) decided to all spend Christmas together for the first time in years at my Mother's house (in a different part of the country to where my brother lives) - still with me?

This has required a significant amount of scrimping and saving on all parties. My brother and wife have a mortgage and a new baby; DH and I have a mortgage and an almost 4 and almost 1 yr old. DSis rents and both herself and partner work.

Today she informed me that they would be flying in on the 25th Dec but that it was ok as they would be getting in at 10:30 am. The airport is a good 2 hour drive from my mother's house. Presumably they imagine someone will pick them up as it's not a country where public transport or taxis are commonly used and they are not hiring a car. The reason is that the tickets are a lot cheaper and that she only goes on holiday on the 18th Dec.

I asked her if she wouldn't be sad to miss Christmas morning (as really that is when we 'do' christmas traditionally in our home - and the reason we were all planning to get home for Christmas was to revisit our Christmas of old). Her response was that we should move Christmas to the next day and she was horrified that I was not keen.

AIBU to think that if she chooses to avail herself of the cheap flights she should expect to slot in - not make us all hang around and pretend Christmas isn't actually happening on the real day only to save them a few $. My brother and his wife are spending their baby's first Christmas away from her family to take part in this event and we are missing out on a number of pre-Christmas functions here etc to be there. My DH only finishes work on the 22nd and is literally jumping on a plane immediately to make it. I am leaving much earlier than planned as my mom is flying out here to fly back with me to help with the girls and so that they will be over their jetlag in time for Christmas. We have saved and not had any holidays at all for a long time to try and make this 'once in 10 years/more' event happen.

Am I just being petulant? MN jury please decide!

OP posts:
FindingMyMojo · 20/08/2010 14:32

well what are your family's priorities? Is it all about eating mince pies at 5am on EXACTLY the 25th December? Is that the most importatn thing? Or is it more about eating mince pies at 5am with all the loved ones who have flown from 4 corners of the earth to come together to celebrate together?

Why not try something different - have a typical SA Xmas day (perhaps an alternative Xmas for you) - relaxed, perhaps luxury picnic day at beach etc, then do the "traditional" Xmas day on 26th. Then everyone is covered for and the kids get 2 fab days. Personally a 'traditional' Xmas day in southern hemisphere December heat makes me want to puke - way to heavy.

Also you do sound a bit gutted you didn't think to fly on Xmas day!

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2010 14:33

Your sister is being unreasonable to expect family members to spend 4 hours picking them up from the airport on the 25th. She should hire a car.

As to moving Christmas Day to the 26th - hmm. Has she asked rather than taken it for granted, I might have considered it.

YANBU.

Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 14:39

'Also you do sound a bit gutted you didn't think to fly on Xmas day!'

Not at all. One of the hardest things about living so far away is not being able to have Christmas 'properly'. Also - we can do bbqs and Christmas on the beach every other year, seeing as we live in Aus. The entire plan - concocted in the very beginning of this year was for us all to do the traditional Christmas at home.

No -WYLI - she hasn't asked - she just sounded shocked that we would consider having the day start without her.

OP posts:
lavenderlois · 20/08/2010 14:43

She probably should have forewarned you all that this is what she was doing before she booked her ticket, but it's done now. Rather than having any ill feeling between you on xmas day which i imagine is the last thing any of you want, how about creating a new tradition? My family did this a couple of years ago and it has kept every one happy as we have all had to compromise(we were all only coming from various parts of the UK, but all at different times, with some going on boxing day, which i always considered a special day).
Anyway, what about letting the kids open most of their pressies on xmas day, have the lunch an hour or so later, and then open some more pressies in the evening before settling down to watch the xmas movie? Then you can have another celebration on boxing day - buffet stylee??
Just an idea, but i hope it helps! I'm sure that as long as everyone knows what is happening over the festive period and that it isnt just one person making a compromise then i imagine everyone will be happy. After all, if you're all getting together its about spending time with each other rather than having dinner at precisely 230pm because that is what you have always done.

YellowDaffodil · 20/08/2010 14:45

I would do two sessions with presents - one in the morning making sure 4yo get presents that will keep her happy until lunch.
Tell DSis she needs to rent a car then do lunch when she arrives and second round of presents after.

We do church in the morning so it is getting on by the time presents are done anyway. I don't think YABU because you want the Christmas you planned but I would rather compromise and have a sibling there I think.

Also you pointed out you Dsis rents but you have a mortgage. All our friends who rent seem to pay almost as much as we do for our mortgage. Maybe her and her DP are saving up for future property investment and paying rent at the same time, I imagine even with a good wage that might be difficult? Maybe you would be more sympathetic if you ask her straight out why she is flying Xmas day - if it is for a good reason compromise. If its to buy shoes stick to your guns but except that she will resent it and the idylic family get together may be strained anyway.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 14:49

She needs to sort out her own transport. And no, sorry, stuff her with all this new tradition and compromise. She expected everyone to compromise around her. That's ridiculous because the whole point of it was the do the Christmas morning the way you used to.

If you wanted to picnic on the beach or do a BBQ you could do that at home and not have to fly thousands of miles with two little kids in tow.

But I'd make damn sure you all make it very clear to her now that she needs to hire a car.

Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 14:53

I hear you all - and I agree. I really do. I do think it is logical and normal and grownup to compromise and do presents in two sessions and get her (even if we pay for it) to rent a car to drive in. The thing is that she wants Christmas the next day. She wants the magic and Christmas morning and all the hoopla that goes with it on the 26th.

My AIBU isn't about compromise. It is an all or nothing. She wants us to wait and do the entire day on boxing day.

OP posts:
sanielle · 20/08/2010 14:54

She hasn't actually asked the OP to drive her has she?

shongololo · 20/08/2010 14:58

so whos needs are more important? A spoiled sister, granny, children?? Shes a big girl, she had a choice of when to fly, the rest of the family should not be made to suffer because of her choices.

FakePlasticTrees · 20/08/2010 15:02

oh dear lord, just tell her christmas morning is on christmas morning, and you can do it again on 26th if she really wants, but you aren't geting up at 5am 2 days on the run.

Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 15:04

Well ... DD1 and 2 might!

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 20/08/2010 15:06

well even better, they can play fake 2nd Christmas with their Aunty while you and DH sleep off your Boxing Day hangovers...

BarmyArmy · 20/08/2010 15:09

I'd push things back a few hours - but certainly not a whole day, least of all for a youngest sister who sounds spoilt.

Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 15:10

No sanielle, she hasn't asked me to drive her (most people wouldn't - I have almost never driven in South Africa and am notoriously bad at it!) My Mum is not able to drive to the airport by herself - if she goes (even to pick someone up) she always ropes in one of her friends to do the driving) so I imagine she'll ask my brother. And he is so nice, he would go. Leaving his wife and new baby with us, I suppose.

OP posts:
googietheegg · 20/08/2010 15:15

She can't have it all her way and save money on the tickets and have Christmas morning delayed - one or the other is OK, but not both

diddl · 20/08/2010 15:16

I wouldn´t "move" Christmas Day.

She´ll be there for lunch, but will miss the LOs opening presents?

Sounds OK, tbh.

Niecie · 20/08/2010 15:21

I am sure she wants the magic of Christmas on 26th but even if you all agree and that is what you do it just won't be the same. You can't recreate it like that. What would you do on the 12 hours of Christmas day she is with you? It would just feel all wrong.

She knew the deal when she booked the flight. If she wanted everybody to fit in with her she should have mentioned it before she booked, not just assumed that everybody would do as she wanted. She has to accept that everbody has different priorities now there are grandchildren in the family and you can't indulge her the way you used to.

FreeButtonBee · 20/08/2010 15:22

You all need to get a grip - yes, she was the baby of the family but now there are three real babies. If she wants the magic of Christmas morning, she should be there on Christmas morning.

I would also make it clear to her that she should in no way consider asking your brother to collect her - it's his first family Christmas and that is more important. If she is so selfish that she would conisder asking him, then someone needs to man up on his behalf and tell her that it is inappropriate.

I am the big sister to two much younger brothers and know how easy it is to get into that "must solve all your problems" mind set but if she has chosen the cheaper flight, she needs to accept the consequences.

traceybath · 20/08/2010 15:22

I wouldn't move christmas day either and just do as expat said about reminding her to book her hire care well in advance.

Original poster
ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 20/08/2010 15:23

That's what I think! Sad she'll miss the start of the day. We'll get her a car and we'll see her for lunch and more pressies afterwards. Sounds like a new family Christmas tradition.

So no-one thinks we should have to sit around pretending it isn't Christmas on Christmas Day and wait till boxing day to do the whole thing?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 15:26

Fuck no, Shrimp. That's ridiculous, to pretend it isn't Xmas till Boxing Day. You have generously offered to get her a hire car. So she has no reason to complain.

diddl · 20/08/2010 15:29

Isn´t it only those with children who find Christmas morning important?

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 15:30

hell no! i was mad for Christmas long before i had kids - both me and my sister are.

we're still crazy for it, even though her kids are both teens.

Niecie · 20/08/2010 15:35

You just can't pretend Christmas day isn't Christmas day, especially when you are all sat there together in the afternoon.

Katisha · 20/08/2010 15:35

We'll get her a car and we'll see her for lunch and more pressies afterwards. Sounds like a new family Christmas tradition.

Is the right answer.