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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to be feeling violated by this

84 replies

shockingmorning · 19/08/2010 06:46

Have (hopefully) name changed for this as I dont really want to risk people in reall life knowing who I am!Also a little embarrassing but would like opinions before I do something I may regret, I will try to make the story as simple as I can without waffling.

I have a 3 week old baby who is the youngest of four. I am breastfeeding her, my husband has asked a few times if he could "try" I said no as I find it wierd. I woke up this morning because my husband was trying anyway while I was asleep.

A a background we have been together 10 years but are both still mid twenties (got together young) and our relationship in my opinion is strianed although he doesnt seem to think so. We dont spend time together as he is either with his family or working (he works from home so he works all evening and night)BUT we dont have arguments, he is generally nice and an ok father.

Am I unreasonable to feel really upset and violated by this because he is acting as though I am being totally insane and I am not sure if I am or not.:(

OP posts:
Squitten · 19/08/2010 06:51

Are you saying that your OH is trying to BF from you...?

traceybath · 19/08/2010 06:51

Thats awful - I'd have been furious.

Original poster
shockingmorning · 19/08/2010 06:52

yes

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 19/08/2010 06:56

if someone asks you to do something that you are uncomfortable with... you have the right to say no and refuse to do it
they should respect that

this is from the most major to most minor items imo

to try to push the issue or achieve what they want through stealth, sleep etc when you have made your negative feelings on the subject clear is just cuntish i'm afraid

WowOoo · 19/08/2010 06:59

Holy moses. I would have flipped.

Think it's hard for partners to understand that breasts are only for the baby now.(this is how it felt for me) I can almost understand why he'd want to try - out of curiosity perhaps, but to try while your sleeping is stupid and thoughtless.

lucky1979 · 19/08/2010 07:01

Tell him that you really would like to try using a large vibrator up his backside.

If he's not thriled by the idea, offer to wait until he's asleep and do it anyway and see if that makes him understand how you feel.

I breastfed DD until she was 8mos old, and found it really weird for my DH to even touch my boobs during that time. So he didn't, because he wouldn't enjoy something that I wasn't enjoying. If your H thinks that it's ok to do stuff that you have specifically said you didn't want then that is really dodgy territory, what happens if he decides he wants to try something even more invasive? He already think his needs are more important than yours.

gtamom · 19/08/2010 07:03

Yes, you were violated. You told him no and he did it anyways.

nigglewiggle · 19/08/2010 07:07

I don't think this needs to be in AIBU!

forpitysake · 19/08/2010 07:26

OMG!!!!! when you were asleep?? totally shocking. you are NBU.
is this a new thing for him or has he asked when you BF other children?

Madascheese · 19/08/2010 07:33

Seriously for real?

what Lucky said.

Poor ickle pickle husband feeling a bit left out.

I was outraged on your behalf when I read your post, then I thought, hmm might not be helpful to express that, then thought, nope. It IS outrageous for various reasons.

  1. He's your husband
  2. He's the father of your children

Therefore you should be able to trust him to keep you safe at ALL times. That's the deal.

  1. He ased for something you said no he did it anyway and at a time you were asleep so he thought he's just ge what he wanted without you knowig.

I'm thinking if it were me I'd be having major trust issues and making him sleep in the shed until he'd earnt my trust back - I certianly wouldn't want to sleep next to somone whowasn't trustworthy.

lifeas3plus1 · 19/08/2010 07:38

Oh my word! My dp would have got a swift punch in the face if he had done this to me, ( involuntary reaction you understand, I'm not usually violent)

He knows my nipples are extra sensitive since having ds and he knows I don't feel comfortable with him doing anything with them and respects that.

If he did what your dp did he would be sleeping on the sofa until I trusted him enough not to just take matters into his own hands when he didn't get his own way.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 19/08/2010 08:06

I see.

This is indeed most a most unusual situation that you find yourself in.

I have read about adults breastfeeding - it's a fetish.

They really get off on thinking about it, doing it. talking about it.

perhaps this is the case here?

I think an honest conversation is required. cards on the table. set boundaries.

Megatron · 19/08/2010 08:19

YADBU. Disrespectful to you and plain weird.

Gibbon · 19/08/2010 08:24

YANBU.

Did he apologise when he saw how upset you were?

ballstoit · 19/08/2010 08:31

YANBU.

He asked, you said no, end of.

Original poster
shockingmorning · 19/08/2010 08:37

he didnt apologize. He is now not speaking to me because i am aparently being silly.I dont trust him, and this has confirmed it to me :(

OP posts:
Ephiny · 19/08/2010 08:38

YANBU. It was bit weird of him to ask, but the worst thing is him just going ahead and trying to do it anyway when you'd said no and he knew you didn't want it. And when you were asleep as well! That's really horrible and you're not unreasonable (or insane Hmm) to feel upset and violated.

It's 100% your choice what people do to your body and you have the right to say no to anything you don't want, especially something as intimate as this! If he can't understand that (or doesn't care) then you have big problems in your relationship, and his attitudes to women and intimacy. Has he ever behaved like this about anything else, e.g. trying to pressure you into sex acts, or do anything to you while you're sleeping? It doesn't matter if it is a 'fetish' or whatever, he doesn't get to prioritise that over respecting your feelings and rights.

Original poster
shockingmorning · 19/08/2010 08:39

forpitysake it has not come up before at all with the other children.

OP posts:
CupcakesHay · 19/08/2010 08:39

OMG - what did he say? how awful for you - especially afetr saying no!

What did he do afterwards?

sanielle · 19/08/2010 08:41

Sorry but he sounds proper sleazy. Did you make it clear that you really wern't interested though? Or did you kind of laugh it off? I know 'no means no' in general but sometimes when you are in a safe secure relationship no can sometimes mean... ask me again when I've had a glass of wine and I'll think about it... Sorry not being flippant, I think it is pretty horrible and would feel violated but just wondering if you could have gotten signals crossed

DuelingFanjo · 19/08/2010 08:46

obviously, if this is true, you reacted to discovering this - perhaps shoved him off and shouted at him telling him that you were appalled by the violation

nomorebooze · 19/08/2010 08:47

YADNBU! I would be upset and outraged if my hubbie asked, I would tell him straight how you feel and make sure he understands!

nigglewiggle????????

sanielle · 19/08/2010 08:50

Nomorebooze Why would you be upset if he asked? Not being rude, just curious. I'm happy for Dh to ask pretty much anything...so long as he knows I'm at will to decline pretty much anything. Grin

Heracles · 19/08/2010 09:10

WTF??

Fair enough if he wanted a go, but you'd said no.

Rosedee · 19/08/2010 09:15

When I was 19 I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship. He asked if he could do something to me and I said no I would hate that. He then told me that he had done it to me while I was asleep. I was stunned felt violated and had a strop, he tried to brush it off and make me feel silly too.
This is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE behaviour. You need to be having serious words. If everything else is ok in your relationship then you need to turn it around and ask if you doing something he finds objectionable in his sleep ok and if there are other things worrying you about relationship then I'd get rid as this shows zero respect for you and your wishes.
Seriously upset for you xx