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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to be feeling violated by this

84 replies

shockingmorning · 19/08/2010 06:46

Have (hopefully) name changed for this as I dont really want to risk people in reall life knowing who I am!Also a little embarrassing but would like opinions before I do something I may regret, I will try to make the story as simple as I can without waffling.

I have a 3 week old baby who is the youngest of four. I am breastfeeding her, my husband has asked a few times if he could "try" I said no as I find it wierd. I woke up this morning because my husband was trying anyway while I was asleep.

A a background we have been together 10 years but are both still mid twenties (got together young) and our relationship in my opinion is strianed although he doesnt seem to think so. We dont spend time together as he is either with his family or working (he works from home so he works all evening and night)BUT we dont have arguments, he is generally nice and an ok father.

Am I unreasonable to feel really upset and violated by this because he is acting as though I am being totally insane and I am not sure if I am or not.:(

OP posts:

QueenofDreams · 19/08/2010 11:52

I agree with everyone else. Nothing wrong with him asking to try. But you said no, and him going ahead and doing it in your sleep is deeply creepy and just disgusting. Your body does NOT belong to him. He has no right to do whatever HE decides to do to your body. Not at all unreasonable to feel violated. I would.

Ryoko · 19/08/2010 12:14

The only unreasonable bit I think is that he did it when you was asleep, otherwise TBH I don't know what your problem was he was only wanting to try something coming out of things I'm sure he's had his lips round many times before anyway.

Morloth · 19/08/2010 12:39

Pretty bloody big "only" if you ask me. Her body is her body, he has no right to "use" it without her permission.

QueenofDreams · 19/08/2010 13:14

ryoko I don't think anyone is saying that he's unreasonable for wanting to try it. But she said no, and he should respect her enough not to just go ahead and do it regardless. And TBH DP never went NEAR my boobs while I was bf. He knew they were tender and frankly painful most of the time. I would have been fuming if he'd done something like this.

LeoniPoni · 19/08/2010 13:15

Absolutely agree with you Morloth . How dare he do something to her that OP told him she didn't want him to. It's absolutely unacceptable and if he doesn't realise that after a VERY serious conversation, alarm bells would be ringing in my head.

MrsChemist · 19/08/2010 13:22

OP YANBU.

That is totally unacceptable behaviour, and you need to have a serious talk with him about how wrong it was to do that.

Mumi · 19/08/2010 14:25

Ryoko: "I don't know what your problem was he was only wanting to try something coming out of things I'm sure he's had his lips round many times before anyway."

Sounds lke the old chestnut about it being fine for a man to rape a woman because he's had sex with her before anyway

usernamechanged345 · 19/08/2010 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mayorquimby · 19/08/2010 14:53

well seeing as it would qualify as a sexual assault and possibly even an aggravated sexual assault over here (Ireland) I'd side with yanbu.
fucking awful thing to do.

SeaTrek · 19/08/2010 15:00

YANBU! OMG!

I am not saying the act of your husband 'having a go' to see what it is like is wrong, just the fact that you had said NO and he went ahead anyway.

I would be surprised if he was able to get anything anyway that way. I would think that your baby or the pump would have to get the milk flowing first. Could be wrong though?! Maybe tell him that to ensure he doesn't try again.

TBH I would just make it very clear that it was not ok to go ahead like that but probably offer to let him try it ONCE for 10 seconds, when the milk was already flowing.

alexpolismum · 19/08/2010 15:15

He has treated you with total disrespect, and by calling you silly and taking the hump, he is continuing to treat you with disrespect.

And what do you mean, he is with his family? His parents? YOU and your children are his family now. If he doesn't accept that, then it's another form of disrespect.

I would feel as though I had been sexually assaulted.

sanielle · 19/08/2010 15:24

Convincing the OP she has been sexually assaulted won't make her feel better. Her husband must have known she would wake up and as long as he not normally a complete bastard might have thought she'd like it.. he is probably humiliated now and feels like she thinks he's a sleazy perv.. so being defensive (not that thats ok) but men aren't always good at just sucking it up and saying I'm really sorry for being out of line.

RubyBuckleberry · 19/08/2010 15:25

atthis
on your behalf

RubyBuckleberry · 19/08/2010 15:27

while you were asleep! gasp!

tell him to piss off back under the rock whence he came!

mayorquimby · 19/08/2010 15:29

I'm not saying she has to go and have him charged. I am however pointing out that his behaviour would qualify under the criteria for what constitutes a sexual assault (would probably not lead to a criminal conviction) and as such he should be aware of how wrong his behaviour was and not belittle the fact that the op was uncomfortable with it by calling her daft etc.

sanielle · 19/08/2010 15:50

No I didn't either MQ. Left a previous comment saying she was not BU at all for feeling that way. Just a few people have said sexual assault plain and simple (and don't think it is plain or simple really). Op is definitly not being daft for feeling bad about it at all. But motives are important too. Think the Op's husband is deinitly feeling daft about now!

fanifanakapants · 19/08/2010 15:50

You must feel sick to your stomach.
Such a shame that your husband thinks it is ok to treat you as an object. If this happended to me I would seriously reconsider sharing my bed (life) with a man like this.

proudnsad · 19/08/2010 16:21

Why are people saying it's ok for him to ask for a (barf) 'go'? Is that a commonplace request?!

Anyway op's husband has horribly overstepped the mark. I'd be shocked and upset.

I hope this isn't a troll. If it we are playing right into his fetishy hands.

cupcakesandbunting · 19/08/2010 16:41

I'm with proudnsad.

Obviously, despite considering myself very liberal in the boudoir, I am very sheltered. If DH had ever asked for a "go" when I was BFing DS, I would have lost all respect for him and thought he was a sandwich short. Right after being sick on him.

blackflyinyourchardonnay · 19/08/2010 16:43

proudnsad I'm glad you(barf)at'have a go' too, makes me shudder a bit!

OP I'm just going to echo what everyone else has said.
Your DH asked, you said no.
That should have been where it ended. To do it while you were sleeping is a complete breach of trust.

YANBU. Not one bit.

blackflyinyourchardonnay · 19/08/2010 16:45

Sorry about my sometimes lack of spaces. DS has made my screen a funny size and it's made me disorientated!

cupcakesandbunting · 19/08/2010 16:52

Oh really, Blackfly?

I thought you'd just been swigging on your namesake for the afternoon.

blackflyinyourchardonnay · 19/08/2010 16:54

Wish I had!

Greensleeves · 19/08/2010 16:54

I wouldn't have him in bed with me any more. In fact I wouldn't want to be asleep with him in the room. It would totally irreversibly turn me OFF and I would lose all respect for him.

He's disgusting, and it IS sexual assault.

usernamechanged345 · 19/08/2010 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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