I know I am before you flame me, but F*cking pg announcements on FB!!

[TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle]

I am friends with a former colleague and she has been with her dp for 9m. she has been moaning for the last 6m that its taking such a looooonnnnngggggg time for her to get up the pole. when I was having my last mc she bombarded me with q's about how i had got pg in the first place ffs.

she has just announced via status update that she is 2-3w pg. ive just burst into tears (evidently not as resigned as i thought) and had a rant at dh about it.

she has every right to be happy. she is not responsible for my problems, her being pg isnt the reason that i have such a shit womb, but im really upset about it.

so, yes, IABU but fb is not the place to announce a pg, especially so early. but then im a cynical bitter and barren witch.

I think Sloany the OP would be too sensitive of other people to announce a pregnancy on fb!

YANBU

I never wrote anything about my pregnancy on facebook the whole way through, i worried that should anything happen i didn't want it to play out in my status updates to people i didn't know that well. Each to their own though, some people like to keep everyone updated. But at 2-3 weeks

It is very tactless and thoughtless.

I agree with other posters, you should hide her from your news feed.

TBH I don't think there is any good way to announce pregnancy without running the risk of traumatising someone who's had a miscarriage (whether you know about it or not) - no matter what you say and how you say it it's going to cause great pain, it's the fact that hurts more than the words, and you can't change that.

Best wishes for the future OP.

No YANBU to feel upset by this. I think it's very easy for people who haven't been through mc to underestimate the hurt it causes and how difficult it makes being excited about any pregnancy, your own or anyone else's, afterwards. I look back on my first pg and can't believe how confident, and in hindsight naive, I was, and that's probably how she is too. I would have been more sensitive in talking to you about pg even then though.

These days, having had 2 mmcs between ds and this pg, I find it difficult when someone excitedly and confidently announces their pg very early on, particularly if they know what happened with us. It's a bit like saying 'I know you had mcs, but for some reason that's not something I have to worry about...'. Then I try to remember that before I had mine I didn't have that fear either. Life is a big learning journey and people are all at different stages and that makes them say things which don't resonate well with people who've had different experiences.

I really hope things work out well for you soon, and in the meantime, protect yourself and remember you're not alone even when it feels like everybody else is having an easier time of it. It's just that people become a lot quieter about it all when it's not so easy, so that's all you hear IYSWIM.

Ohh poor you. I am just having my 4th MC at the moment and know how you feel. Everyone is bloody pregnant and happy and having no problems producing bouncing babies at the drop of a hat - or so it seems like - but of course my FB status doesn't say anything about my stupid crappy body giving up once again. So, I think we get a skewed idea of what is happening to "everyone" because people only post quite happy stuff.

I had a colleague who posted pg updates very early, which made me uncomfortable because I am a pessimistic person about this kind of thing...and then she did have an early MC and was so unhappy, and of course her hundreds of facebook "friends" all knew. I felt terrible for her.

PS Ooosabeauta says it better than I do...

That's funny, I was about to that starkadder says it better than I do! I think we said two sides of the same coin...

:) mutual respect :)

thank you all. I have defriended her. i think having just come to terms with the fact that dh and i wont be having anymore children I am particularly sensitive. not her fault of course, but its very hard not to feel like everyone elses ability to produce a child is rubbing your nose in the fact that you cant. I dont think that fb is a good place to announce a pg. especially this early on. but then i think to how naive i was before my body started failing so spectacularly and i would probably have been the same.

TLOTGK I'm so sorry. There's nothing really helpful to say because I know that when people do try to say hopeful things, it sounds so futile and silly. I hate to think of you ending the day feeling like this though. [Unmumsnetty x]

Dilys there absolutely is a "good" way to announce a pregnancy to a friend who is struggling.

It involves seeing them in person or at least telephoning and telling them the news with sensitivity. It is recognising that this is difficult news for them to hear and continuing to support them.

I am fortunate that in the months after DS2 was stillborn many of my friends adopted this approach and I will always be grateful to them for the kindness they showed me at a difficult time. Not so the Friend (as baove) who sent me the "wohoo we're pregnant!" text.

sloanypony if her friend had called her, let her know, and that was the end of it fair enough.

But first she harrased her during her miscarriage..then allowed her to find out via facebook. And if they are the kind of people who announce 2 weeks pregnant they will announce everything! Trust me, and then imagine you have acouple hundred friends on that facebook doing the same all the time. And kicks the shit out of you. It really does. IN the real world you dont ever have to see 3 scan pics in one day.

empty shell how are you? you were worried about having cramps about a week ago, i think? So all is still well? BRILLIANT!!!

YANBU to be upset.

FB is a big pile of pants where people can hide behind a computer posting ever-so-cool pics of themselves and update about the most banal fluff in their lives.

This person sounds like an immature women and I'd bet that she'll be updating on every aspect of her pregnancy as if she was the 1st woman to ever get pregnant. Yawn-inducing.

Don't even waste your time telling her you're upset, as she'll think YABU and may likely post updates about what a nag you are.

I fell pregnant staright as my friend had just had an eptopic, and lost her tube and the pregnancy.

I phoned her to tell her I was pregnant, I wanted her to hear it from me rather than someone else.

Once I reached the point I wanted to tell everyone else, I did post on FB.

YANBU for feeling the way you do, and if she were that good a friend then she would have told you herself first.

At the same time though I don't think she is BU either, she may be being a tad premature with her announcement, but is probably just excited and why shouldn't she be!
It might be 'yawn-inducing' to some, but she has every right to enjoy her pregnancy.

Ummm, I notice that my last post seemed a bit harsh.... I really hope you don't think I'm being harsh to you OP. I not. I just can't stand FB and could rant about FB all day!

I can sort of empathise with how you feel. Although I've never suffered a miscarriage, I too would feel very sad in your situation.

It's upsetting that people can't be more sensitive at times like this - asking you lots of questions when you'd lost your baby was wrong and lacked compassion.

People just don't think though. I've got a very good friend who was going through fertility problems at the same time as me - and got pregnant just after I miscarried. She was understandably made up, and turned to me to know what to do next - hard to smile sweetly but I did. Sadly hers ended the same way as mine did that time - but she is the person I made a point of telling as soon as I got a positive this time, because sometimes just saying it as sensitively as you can, in advance of screaming it from the rooftops to the world, gives a bit of time and space to take the sting off it.

I'm still adamant I won't ever post scan photos direct on Facebook as they just bounce up and down on people's feeds and I know how painful they are (wish they'd add an option to make you have to click to see photo album uploads in your news feed - such a simple little tweak where you would have to click ON to "So and so just posted new photos to the Album: Scan Pictures" instead of having dancing foetuses haunting you when you're at your lowest!

Sanielle I THINK I'm hanging on in there! Had more spotting last night so that's twice in 2 weeks but (touch wood) it's been light and only lasted an hour max both times. EPU won't scan till 7 weeks anyway just in case they can't see a heartbeat at 6 weeks and it freaks people out unecessarily so I'm just sat here cooking the bun on gas mark five until Tuesday afternoon pretty much!

Sorry to hijack your thread with that OP - I DO remember how bad it can get - just before I got pregnant again, SiL announced her happy news and I went onto Facebook, changed my profile to "NO I CAN'T HAVE KIDS AND I HATE THE WORLD BECAUSE OF IT", defriended everyone I know who posts umpteen baby/scan pics or who was pregnant and then stomped off for a 3 mile walk with hideously loud heavy metal on my MP3 player before curling up in a ball in a local park and sobbing for hours... the hurt is immense. If you've just defriended someone - you coped better than I did!

Think my facebook is worse than most for it since it's all old school friends and I went to an all-girls' school so there's not really any escape from it at the moment (and some of them are serious photo uploaders who seem to follow their kids around with iPhones and immediately upload every single moment of the day). Things are better now I've slimmed the list down but if it wasn't for needing to keep in touch with a few people - I'd have nuked facebook at my lowest.

- mc is just so shitty, and it is crap reading everyone else's happy news on FB. I didn't go on FB for about 4 months post mc because I couldn't bear the multiple scan photos that were being posted!!

I wouldn't post news/scan photos about my pregnancy on FB, but that's because I am sensitive to the fact that some some people reading it will be struggling with their own stuff. The OP's "friend" just has no idea, and on the positive side that's a good sign for her that she's not had to experience that loss.

Anyway, just wanted to say YANBU to feel the way you feel.

YANBU. Your friend sounds like a complete airhead to be honest. Her insensitive behaviour regarding your mc, deciding to get pregnant with someone she's only known for three months, announcing her pregnancy on fb at 2-3 weeks. Daft!

Oh Liss, Lulu is right - she is not your friend. She's an old work colleague. Bock her.

xxx

or even block her

YABU. I understand why, but YABU.

No I think your original suggestion of bocking her sounds much better LilRedWG! I think bocking sounds a bit like a cross between a punch and a slap!

TLOTGK, she sounds like a totally self-absorbed cow without a shred of empathy. She was never a friend to you so you have done well to block her. I would have blocked her after the first incident tbh. How on earth could she have thought it was OK to ask you about ttc when you were MCing?

totally understand why you feel the way you do OP, please don't beat yourself up over it. I had fertility problems (needed ivf) and used to hate all the smug scan piccies etc. Never put any up myself as too scared of stuff going wrong. Having said that I don't think I was cross with the people who put up the scan pictures really - just very envious of them and their innocence and joy about it all, and it highlighted what I hadn't got. Having said that your friend does sound rather lacking in the tact and sensitivity department.

I do put pictures up of DS now on facebook and I worry about that being smug sometimes - but on the other hand it was such a long road to have him and then he was horribly ill and got better and I'm just so grateful and proud of him and I like to show him off - and the overseas rellies and far away grandma are interested if no-one else is...

She sounds awful and not worth being friends with.

But I don't think it's wrong of people to announce pregnancies on Facebook. I have done, after scans and after fanily and close friends have been told, and give an occasional update now that I'm q36 weeks.

I've had a mc as well as one successful pregnancy and this ongoing one, and it didn't bother me hugely that people were still announcing pregnancies on facebook or putting newborn pictures up while I was dealing with my mc. Why shpuld people have to hold back on sharing their joy with everyone they're friends with just because one or two people may or may not be upset by it? If someone had written on my wall saying "I know you just had a mc but hey guess what I'm pregnant" then that would be insensitive in the extreme, but general status updates and photos are not being insensitive really. Unfortunately for those of us with fertility and pregnancy problems, life does go on for others and we can't expect them to always be sensitive to us when they have their own lives to share.

But I reiterate, OP's friend does sound like an insensitive cow.