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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to explain to every Tom, Dick and Harry why DD is, and always will be, an only child?

88 replies

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 15/08/2010 08:08

DD is 11 months. ALREADY we have been asked about when #2 will be on it's way.

Now our immediate family knows why we are sticking with DD (horrendous pregnancy, hyperemesis and AND) but extended family and friends of friends can't seem to fathom it no matter how many times me and DH explain.

We are now being introduced by aquaintences as "the couple who only want one child" which is a bit and makes us think they have been describing us thus to all and sundry. We then get the third degree from smug parents of more than one extolling as to why we simply must have another child at least.

I mean FFS, what if we had fertility issues etc, why is it ok for them to bleat on at us because we have a conscious decision to stop at DD?

What more can we say than we already have or are we going to have to resort to lying about fertility issues to shut these people we barely know up?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 15/08/2010 08:10

Ooh that's tough, although I admit I have been known to ask people whether they are planning another, I HOPE I take shut up vibes though. Sorry.
Maybe just a vague "It's complicated but we have our reasons"?

Original poster

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 15/08/2010 08:13

You see I wouldn't mind it as a one off SPB but when the people already know we only want one and STILL go on at us about having another it starts to piss me off!

I will try the complicated line, have another christening today so will see if it does the trick!

OP posts:

Decorhate · 15/08/2010 08:16

Instead of going into the exact reasons, maybe just say "we can't have any more for medical reasons" and leave it at that, just say you'd rather not talk about it if they press further?

StealthPolarBear · 15/08/2010 08:20

good luck, hope it works

AnakisT · 15/08/2010 08:25

Since my dd was about a month old (she's now 2 1/2), i get asked on a regular basis "so when are you planning the next one.." followed by sly look at my belly

I tend to have a couple of stock answers now

No I'm not, I'm just a bit fat....Makes people go red and go away quickly.
You can't improve on perfection so I'm not trying....Usually gets some entertaining spluttering.
Say politely piss off i don't want anymore, i like sleeping.

The problem is that some people take me stopping at one as a personal attack on their decision to have more than one. I don't care how may you have, I'm one of six, i wouldn't walk up to you and say why do you have so many kids......

Opps! mini rant over!

PinkyMe · 15/08/2010 08:26

I want more than one, but my DH would be quite happy to stop with dd. And his reasons for wanting this are a lot more selfish (don't mean this in a bad way), but he thinks a second child would take away from his relationship with dd. I don't agree with him but I respect his right to feel this way.
I understand how you feel though as we are also bombarded with when will we have a second and that from very close family. I hate it as all it does is put me in a position were I have to defend an argument I don't really agree with and of course remind me, that for now, I can't have a baby that I really want. I am hoping he'll change his mind.
My common response now is, we can't afford the nursery fees for two, no one can argue with that.

alicet · 15/08/2010 08:33

This sort of thing isn't restricted to people with one children. I have 2 boys and I'm always getting asked when we're going to try for a girl!

I think you need to lighten up about this or you will spend your life quietly seething which doesn't do you any favours does it? These people are almost always just making conversation and not judging your choice to have one anymore than those who ask me about a girl are pitying my lack of a daughter. There will be a minority who are judging but they are to be pitied really aren't they?

You have your stock answers to cut them off at the pass. Now try and chill out about it as this will be the only way to deal with this inevitable question. YANBU to be irritated by the way but try to let it go over your head.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 15/08/2010 08:35

I've had nearly a decade of it. Whatever one's reasons, they're going to be personal and possibly painful, yet people ask in the same breath as they talk about their holidays. Utterly bizarre, imo.

StealthPolarBear · 15/08/2010 08:36

:( pinky that's awful, i'm sorry

Original poster

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 15/08/2010 08:39

pinky that must be very hard.

alicet I will take your excellent advice and try to relax a bit more about it, maybe play only child bingo instead?

OP posts:

ItalyLovingMummy · 15/08/2010 08:44

I sympathise, its that thing that people are a bit like sheep and we are all supposed to get sprogged up as soon as we've popped out the first DC. DS is now 2 years old and even though DH and I are thinking about another DC, some people have been funny about that saying that we should have had another one sooner so the age gap is small between them or they won't get on! What a load of bollocks! Everyone is different and you have to do what is right for you and your family whether thats one child or more and have them when its right for you. Its a bit like weddings though, everyone has an opinion and wants to have their say. Like Jenai has mentioned, what if someone hasn't had another child because they can't? People don't think before they speak.

nancydrewrocked · 15/08/2010 08:45

I think it is one of those topics of conversation that most people think of as inoffensive and easy - a bit like talking about the weather.

IME people are just looking for something to say: to be friendly and make conversation.

I am expecting DC4 (DC3 was stillborn) and there will be a gap of almost 5years between DC2 and 4. We have recently moved so many people don't know about DC3 and so I always have the big gap commented on...mostly along the lines of "oh wow big gap...was it a 'suprise'?".

I have to remind myself that no one is trying to be hurtful, a bit insensitive maybe but they aren't to know and IMO you cannot expect people to conversation plan for every eventuality.

Anyway I digress, that was a long winded way of saying I think it is one of those anoying things you have to put up with.

If they continue to press the issue stop engaging: walk away or change the subject.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 15/08/2010 08:47

pinky, my situation is similar. It sucks.

AMumInScotland · 15/08/2010 08:58

I guess I must either know quite polite people or give off a strong "don't hassle me" vibe, as I always found saying "We're happy with just the one, thanks" was enough to satisfy them. I did find people were often surprised at the idea though - there seems to be an assumption that you will have 2 or 3 children - if you either stop at one or go to 4 or more, people find it "odd" and comment about it.

If you find people are introducing you to others with a comment about the "only child" issue, as if that was the defining thing about you, how about rolling your eyes theatrically, and saying "I prefer to think of myself as OneTwo who mixes a great martini" (or whatever you like...) to give them something else to talk about? (And make a bit of a point about it not being the main thing in your life)

Tee2072 · 15/08/2010 09:20

Although I haven't had as many people push as you seem to, I find that if I tell them the truth? They never ask again:

'Well, I was 40 when A was born. I have fibromyalgia, diabetes, borderline agoraphobia and anxiety disorder. The 1 year of prep, 2 years of trying to conceive and then the 37 weeks 6 days of my pregnancy when I was off my meds to have a healthy baby were pure hell. Then I had a miserable pregnancy.'

I do continue on, but usually by that time they are so red their faces are shinning, or they've walked away.

Well, they did ask!

QOD · 15/08/2010 09:21

My dd is a surro babe, therefore, obviously, I can't have kids - but of course I can't say that cos I HAVE one - but I just say I can't have any more. Sometimes people ask if I had fertility treatment for dd then, I say yes, because I DID have it and end up with dd ... she came a couple of years after and my friend wouldn't have offered if I hadn't had failed fertility treatment. Bleedin' complicated!

muminthemiddle · 15/08/2010 09:22

YANBU-some people have no manners.
Make a wise crack about them such as "Oh and this is divorced twice Tom" whilst smiling sweetly.
Or "Hello 2 boys Gill" it might shock them into seeing how rude they are being.

BeerTricksPotter · 15/08/2010 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanctiMoanyArse · 15/08/2010 09:36

YANBU of course you are not

Though I am as someone aid often asked as a mum of four when we are trying for a girl - i'm lucky to have had the medical support and frankly think I have enough but even if I had wanted any there are so many reasons no to- 3 X sn at differing levels, hyperemesis.... yes well.

Anyway- my sister has one and only ever wanted one (if that really, more her dh than her) but that one almost killed her and dear nephew spent months in NICU and SCBU. Much as she adores her DS (and she does) her stock answer of 'ooh no one is bad enough!' always works PMSL - shuts people up at last.

Concordia · 15/08/2010 09:36

imo people who sail through pregnancies really really don't get what it is like to have a problematic pregnancy at all, i'm sure they think people are just making it up.
it really gets me mad....

Concordia · 15/08/2010 09:38

i would just say that you are 'thinking about it' or some other very vague phrase and leave the conversation to move on...

amidaiwish · 15/08/2010 09:40

no matter how many you have people will ask are you going to have another, if not why not etc... i agree for most people it is just banal conversation so don't read too much into it.

but YANBU, try to brush it off and don't get drawn in.

snugglejunkie · 15/08/2010 09:44

YANBU - in a similar situation myself. Love DS with the very marrow of my bones, but simply could not go through it all again - and with a toddler...

Really gets on my nipple when people say:
'ooh, you'll change your mind'.

I generally respond with:
"Yes, yes of course you're right. I will change my mind the second I have a complete pelvis and spine transplant, win the lottery and get a guarantee the baby will sleep"

TitsalinaBumSquash · 15/08/2010 09:45

Several people have asked me recently when im trying for a girl. Even people that know my SOn has CF and that any baby we had would have a 1 in 4 chance of having it. If im feeling particuarly mean i make them feel bad by sayin, how much i would like another but couldnt risk giving another child a life with cf.... usually shuts them up.

TheUnmentioned · 15/08/2010 09:46

I had a very similar sounding experience to you in terms of the hyperemesis and Antenatal Depresssion / anxiety.

Imo these things arent seen as 'real' iyswim? Hyperemesis = making a big deal of morning sickness that other people cope fine with and AND= being self absorbed and not just picking yourself up and dusting yourself down. People just dont understand.

Even my mum who looked after me for weeks when I was being sick 25 times a day / night still comments on how much worse my sisters pregnancy was because I didnt have any 'real' problems.

Im now expecting dc 2 (ds is 3) but it was a very very very big decision to make and I actually had a real phobia of pregnancy for a while.

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