To not want to explain to every Tom, Dick and Harry why DD is, and always will be, an only child?

[OneTwoBuckleMyShoe]

DD is 11 months. ALREADY we have been asked about when #2 will be on it's way.

Now our immediate family knows why we are sticking with DD (horrendous pregnancy, hyperemesis and AND) but extended family and friends of friends can't seem to fathom it no matter how many times me and DH explain.

We are now being introduced by aquaintences as "the couple who only want one child" which is a bit and makes us think they have been describing us thus to all and sundry. We then get the third degree from smug parents of more than one extolling as to why we simply must have another child at least.

I mean FFS, what if we had fertility issues etc, why is it ok for them to bleat on at us because we have a conscious decision to stop at DD?

What more can we say than we already have or are we going to have to resort to lying about fertility issues to shut these people we barely know up?

I also resent people's assumption that unless you have a really good reason, every family needs two+ children. Its just a cultural thing. Should't need to be justified at all.

In answer to the question "doesn't it make you broody?" I say "no - just notalgic!"

I also hate the assumption that by having one you have somehow proved that you didn't really get the motherhood bug, that you are somehow not quite doing it proprly. You could apply the same logic to husbands - if you love being married, then you need to leave a suitable gap after the honeymoon....say 11 months, then have a steady succession of additional husbands...just to prove how much you love being married!! Just kidding but you see how silly the logic is.

DS is nine now,and I'm forty five so people have at last stopped asking but- ds was IVF and we had 9 failed attempts for a second- I used to hate this sort of question. I always wished I had the nerve to respond "Is it my sex life or my medical history which interests you?". Why can't people reaslise how rude and intrusive they're being?

I had a loooong labour with DS, the very moment he was born and placed on my chest for the first time I was so delighted and in love.

The 1st words the midwife uttered to me were, "oh, your next labour probably won't take as long as that."

I know she meant well, but next labour, or even having sex ever again were things very far from my mind at that time!

OP - YANBU if it's people asking you repeatedly and being intrusive, but YABU if it's people asking to just make small talk.

Tee 2072 - if you 'call' everyone on everything that you find 'ignorant' you're going to spend great swathes of your time picking rows with people who you'll never see again, and coming across as a bit of an angry loon.
I just mean, sometimes you've just got to grin and bear it and roll your eyes inwardly. A huge majority of people don't mean to be rude or hurtful, they are just making conversation.

There's 7 years between my sister and I. I am the eldest. My mother was asked about having a second child a lot.

She said to her FIL, while fixing him with a death stare, "not everyone can, you know" and that was that for questions from family.

No matter what you do, people will continue to ask very personal questions and will think it's okay to give you their (unasked for) opinion on your choices.

When I had 3 boys, people continually asked me if I was going to try for a girl (as if my boys weren't good enough somehow). I did have a 4th baby (a girl) and now people act as if 4 DC is an unreasonable number to have and ask why we wanted so many children! Can't win.

People are just nosey. Since DD, aged 3, our only child, died suddenly in April, I have been asked on a fairly regular basis:
Will you have another one?
Was it difficult to conceive DD?
Have you been trying to concevie DC2 prior to DD's death?
Have you thought about adoption?
Would you have fertility treatment?
Exactly how old are you? (I am 40)

And the questions started before the funeral.

I remember on a thread (about not having children at all, IIRC) one poster had a childfree-by-choice friend who was actually a staunch atheist but when asked about children would look the questioner in the eye and say very seriously "God has not sent them". Apparently this would generally shut people up very effectively. I can see it working for enquiries about second children too.

Sometimes people do just feel nosy. We have friends with a single child (well, we have several friends with a single child, but thinking of one couple in particular) -- I know that in principle they would have liked a bigger family, that she had a horrendous and dangerous birth first time round and that they are a few years older than us, so not sure whether they simply decided not to risk another for health reasons or have been trying but having fertility problems. But I would never ever ask; that's rude.

Come to think of it and casting a mental eye over parents I know, I do generally know why friends have only one child without ever having asked any of them. If someone wants you to know they'll tell you soon enough; if they don't then why ask?

SassySusan I am so sorry. It must be difficult enough even starting to think those thoughts at a time when you are ready to, let alone having to have answers ready for question attacks like those.

It's crazy what people say, sometimes. I have a 6 month old, and we have thought about another baby in terms of when we'd like to start trying etc - but a recent conversation with two women went like this:

Woman one: so, when are you going to start trying for the next one?
Me: Ummm... (not being sure if I want to share our plans)
Woman two: Ohhh, they will probably be starting to think about it sometime next year...
Woman one: yes, that will be a nice age gap, won't it?
Woman two: Oh yes, that's what we did - well, good luck!

Trouble is, this has since been shared around like gospel...

I don't think you should have to lie to justify your choice. And if you say you have fertility/health issues then you will get annoying pity and maybe more questions. Try:

1. "It's what feels right for us as family" - then move the conversation on
2. jokey responses along the lines of "how can you possibly cope with more than one - I'd have a nervous breakdown - anyway I'm very happy with one" - then move the conversation on
3. "I just don't want another at this point - and you should want a child to have one, don't you?"
4. if they persist: "Have you thought about all the university fees you will be paying?" "How do you justify more than one child in a world of massive over-population"
5. turn it bak on them: "Why should I have more than one child, actually? One is perfect to us."

YANBU, but I clearly live in the past because I wouldn't dream of discussing TTC with anyone except my DH and maybe my closest friends.

I'd find anyone asking me, even as small talk, very rude and I'd let them know that it's none of their damned business.

Similarly, I balked at people asking me if DS was planned. Again, my sex life and conception is not up for discussion.

[super prude emoticon]

this drives me crazy, i have fertility issues, its medically impossible for me to be pregnant, but i'm due in nov! i've had a horrendous pregnancy so far and it just keeps getting worse. my body quite literally isnt built to carry or give birth to a child.

when chatting to people they say things like it'll be easier with your second or once the little one is here it will all be worth it and you'll want at least 1 more.

no one can seem to accept that 1) neither dh or i want to do this again. its been an awfull expearience that i just dont want to repeat, i'm greatful for the chance of having this one, but not again. 2) we may not be able to do this again, the docs are completly stumped as to how i'm still carrying this child. 3) its my fing decision on how many children i want to have not anyone elses!

I generally give people one chance of a short reply (either no, or we can't afford the carbon offsetting for two), if they then go on about it it's, no, thats no going to happen, and if they still don't get it, I give them the full rant

Sassysusan that's awful I can't believe people would be like that, so sorry for your loss.

I tend to give out waaayyy too much information when asked as I have endometriosis, we have been trying for 3 years,have had 2 operations to try and help the situation not to mention the hideous hormone treatment that effectively closed me down for 6 months or the horrendous periods that cause me to be unable to function for 2-3 days a month.

Obviously I don't tell them all that but I do say that we would love another but have had complications just so they don't think that we just couldn't be bothered to have a second.

Slightly off topic. I do worry about a number of ladies at work, recently married early 30's, no rush to procreate but do want kids ( note the plural) at some stage. I want to tell them that if they definitely want more than one child then they should start their family now. I don't because it's intrusive and not really down to me, but maybe I should allude to it somehow as I don't want them to be left in my situation.

It is indeed very strange. I had my 6 week checkup last week, and the DOCTOR asked me when we were planning another. I said that we were planning on just one (Both DH and I are older, and DS was a bit of a miracle anyway). He actually said that we ought to have another because (get this);

1. Only children do not know how to share
2. If you have two, they can entertain each other while you are holiday.

Seriously. I just looked at him in silence and raised an eyebrow and he hurriedly said 'Oh well, it is not for me to say'.

That is right, Sir.

The only children are selfish chestnut annoys me very much. I believe utterly that this is down to parenting and socialisation. (As an only myself!)

Totally agree with proudnsad - this is just what people do, they chatter away about your family plans with no particular interest or intent, and it's up to you if you want to take offence or not.

I don't personally get why it's offensive. I'm 39 and having my first, so I've spent years saying to people 'oh maybe, but not yet ha ha'. I don't see this as any more of a problem then them asking me if I'm going somewhere nice on holidays.

My LO will almost certainly be an only child, and no doubt in a few years I'll be getting the 'do you fancy another' questions, not a problem, I'll just say no and say why if they're really interested.

I think some people just look to take offence where none at all is meant. Personally I'm a chatty person and have no problem talking about my life to people who show an interest.

By the time DD1 was 2 it would seem as though everyone we met (including parents of the children I teach) wanted to know when we'd have another. My general response was to say, "when I get can get one on eBay". Before DD2 was born I had numerous miscarriages, a ruptured ectopic and was told that it was unlikely I'd be able to carry another baby. People who asked in the years before DD2 was born were usually told that I'd nearly died as the result of an ectopic pregnancy and only had half my reproductive system left. That shut them up.

I do ask people occasionally, but I would tend to say are you planning on another, rather than assume someone is. I just do it as a conversation starter, but I would never badger someone if they said they were only having one for whatever reason.

I can completely understand a crap pregnancy making you not want to have another. We are on no.2 but I don't think we'd have any more for the major reason that I am so crap during pregnancy. It's practically a year out of your life and that is a long time to not be yourself and (in my case) to a crap wife and mother.

Can't you fake tears or something and say you can't talk about it...

Or that your husband refuses to have sex

Or that you can't bring yourself to get naked

Or that your child is a real disappointment and you can't imagine having two of the little fuckers....

you could have excuse bingo for you and your DH, see who gets the most awkward look!!!

Seriously though people are just interested and as you see time and time again on MN people think everyone should live like they do....

Sassy..I am very sorry for your loss.

And OP people ask me if I'll have anymore and I have four, although they do seem somewhat relieved when I say I'm done and then swoon when I explain I've had four sections...

SassySusan I am that people would speak to you so insensitively. Sorry for the loss of your DD and for having to put up with that on top.

I was first asked the day after DS was born, still in the hospital, whether we would have another (MIL was the first but not the only one to do it!) Unbelievable. I think people just mistake it for a topic of light conversation when it really isn't. This comes IMO from most people assuming that it is pretty easy to have a child once you make up your mind to do so, which of course is a notion generally dispelled by finding out the hard way that it ain't necessarily so. So people who don't know just don't get it, IYSWIM.

I think if you try giving any reasons, even fake or light-hearted ones, you risk people 'arguing' back at you in the 'oh, but you could do this' way. If you know for sure you are sticking with one (I'm still undecided) then I would say something like 'It's complicated and I find it very difficult to talk about'. That should put off all but the most unaware / moronic. If they ask any more, just repeat the same line. They'll get the message.

I've become pretty immune to it now and have had many of the comments that have been written here already, but I have to say that one that still has the ability to ruffle me is from my business partner, who has told me on more than one occasion 'I think it's great you are happy with one, it's just not normal as you are biologically programmed to have more. So it's really quite unusual for you to only want one.'

everytime, so by that logic we should just keep pushing 'em out until we run out of space, resources, air etc..... From late teens to the menopause, health willing we should be popping out babies til the tubes say no!

I love DD and love our little and perfectly formed family! Although now expected a new arrival, a kitten!