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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to explain to every Tom, Dick and Harry why DD is, and always will be, an only child?

88 replies

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 15/08/2010 08:08

DD is 11 months. ALREADY we have been asked about when #2 will be on it's way.

Now our immediate family knows why we are sticking with DD (horrendous pregnancy, hyperemesis and AND) but extended family and friends of friends can't seem to fathom it no matter how many times me and DH explain.

We are now being introduced by aquaintences as "the couple who only want one child" which is a bit and makes us think they have been describing us thus to all and sundry. We then get the third degree from smug parents of more than one extolling as to why we simply must have another child at least.

I mean FFS, what if we had fertility issues etc, why is it ok for them to bleat on at us because we have a conscious decision to stop at DD?

What more can we say than we already have or are we going to have to resort to lying about fertility issues to shut these people we barely know up?

OP posts:

SanctiMoanyArse · 15/08/2010 09:54

TheUnmentioned gooid luck- of teh HG reoccurs do feel fre to CAT, o worked on a HG helpline for a while (the charity closed) and always have a willing ear. Will hope you stay HG free though.

Ultiamtely it's up to us how many kids w want isn't it?

FIL thinks we should try for a girl in the knowledge any baby of ours has an 80% chance or mroe fo asd related SN. My dad thinks we should ahve stopped at three- even though I know he didn;t really want to, it was mum's decision.

Completely impossible to get it right then so we do what we want, ahd the abbies we wanted, stopepd when we wanted and find @I am exceptionally happy with the family I have' is adequate whether it's 'how come you have 4 / no girls / whatever' - bedcuqse there's always a fault somewhere for people to pick.

TheUnmentioned · 15/08/2010 09:58

Well Im 36 weeks now and amazingly the sickness has been so so so much better. Was only sick once of twice a day for 18 weeks and have not been sick I dont think since about 24 weeks am

TheUnmentioned · 15/08/2010 09:58

Interestingly am (apparently) pregnant with a girl this time, dont know whether that has any bearing.

SanctiMoanyArse · 15/08/2010 10:03

TU we did an unofficial survery of that on the phoneline and didn;t find any links in that as many people whoca lled went on to have boys as girls

But when you speak to people overall there's a lot of people who say they get it with one gender

And my own Mum lost every boy she carried to stillbirth so I do wonder if there's something genetic sneaking about soemwhere

But mostly I think people's bodies react differently so some will be easier with boys or girls, and a great many people bnever have HG after the first pregnancy anyway but certainly not all (I was lucky and found emds to never had that msiery agin, ended up on drips and in a coma forst time around, but certainly got ill with each- just could treat early on)

DontCallMeBaby · 15/08/2010 10:45

Introducing the OP and her DH as "the couple who only want one child" goes way beyond 'making conversation'. That's extraordinarily unnecessary and rude. As to saying you MUST have another child, I'd be tempted to say I'm not going to say whether or not we can have another child, but how would you feel if we couldn't, and you were standing there saying we MUST? I had a few people saying we MUST (we chose, more or less, to stop at one) and always wondered how that felt to my friend who'd had six MCs, for example.

It should stop eventually - DD is 6, and while I do get asked if I have another child, I haven't been asking if I plan to have another since she was about 4.

Meglet · 15/08/2010 10:49

YANBU.

However it's the sort of thing I would have asked innocently before I became a mum. Nowadays I can understand loads of reasons why people stick at just one child so I never ask anymore.

edam · 15/08/2010 11:01

Used to get this but people gave up asking once ds was about five - I think they'd finally realised the answer wasn't going to be 'gosh, I really hadn't thought about it until you mentioned it, what a good idea, must dash as you've convinced me we need to get shagging straight away'.

DetectivePotato · 15/08/2010 11:01

YANBU. People should keep their noses out. 5 days after I had DS I had DH's bloody nan bleating on about when I was having more. This was when she had spend the previous god knows how many years asking when we were having children. We had fertility issues and were told it would probably never happen. It pisses me right off.

I friend of mine has one child and when he was a baby we were talking and I asked whether she was planning on having anymore. She said she had a prolapsed womb (I think thats what it was) and it was a miracle that she got pregnant in the first place and was advised not to have anymore. It certainly made me think twice before ever asking anyone again. Luckily she didn't mind me asking at all.

To be introduced as the couple with 1 child is downright ignorant and rude. I would have to embarrass people who said things like that to shut them up.

CheerfulYank · 15/08/2010 11:12

YANBU! It's none of anyone's business! I'd just give em the old "this is what works for our family" and refuse to say anymore.

Someone asked me how many children I plan on having the other day. (I've got a DS who just turned 3) I said probably 4 or 5, but that DH and I are going to try for one more biological one in the fall and then adopt the rest. This man asked me why I wanted to adopt, and I responded that I don't care how many children other people have (and I really don't; the Duggars etc are fine by me) but for me personally, having a lot of biological children seems irresponsible in some way. He began berating me on how wrong I was, and how I really should have children of my own, and how the urge to have biological children is strong, blah blah blah. I just told him, "Any children I parent will be my own. Excuse me," and left. I was ! How dare he!

Sorry for the rant, but the nerve of some people.

justabit · 15/08/2010 11:24

YANNNBU
Chances are it is just conversation and most people (lets face it) aren't that interested in the answers. Nevertheless there could be so many different sensitivities and areas of pain (recognise that not always the case as sometimes it is just a decision) that people shouldn't butt in.

merrymonsters · 15/08/2010 11:27

I have three children and people still ask me if I'm having any more. I think it's just an (annoying and insensitive) thing that people ask.

proudnsad · 15/08/2010 11:30

It's life.

It's the same as 'oh you're bump's so big/small' 'wow FOUR kids, what a handful', 'now you're married, are we going to hear the patter of tiny feet?', 'isn't your husband GOOD to do all the cooking', 'is your dh babysitting tonight'.

People always ask parents with one dc if another's coming along soon.

You just got to suck it up!

Tee2072 · 15/08/2010 12:03

I have to disagree proudnsad. Why should we suck it up when people are rude to us? Why should we always take the high road rather than calling them on their insensitivity and ignorance?

I hate that as much as the excuse 'oh, that's just how they are.'

Oh FFS, why do 'they' get to be that way? I don't.

PeggysEvilTwin · 15/08/2010 12:09

Had a discussion about this at a party at soft play a few weeks ago. When I was asked the question by a particularly smug earth mothery overparenting woman, my answer was " we are only having one because we are very very selfish- in fact I can't believe we stopped being selfish for long enough to have ds!'
Not true of course but catsbum face was pulled and she didn't speak to me for the rest of the afternoon.

BrightLightBrightLight · 15/08/2010 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moominfamily · 15/08/2010 12:53

Can't believe how insensitive people are to question you about your personal fertility and child bearing preferences!

Might I suggest you say what my niece does- she has one DD and is not having any more, when people ask her why she replies 'Because it's fucking hard work!' She seldom has to go into it more than that .

If it's any comfort anything you do will be questioned by someone- I have the supposed 'ideal' combination of a DS and DD but when I got pg with DD when DS was 9 months instead of congratulating me my sister was sad and said 'Oh, I thought DS would be special for a bit longer'. Erm, he is special, he will always be my firstborn, whether I had one more or ten more.

Have to say I like your answer as well Peggy- might use it if I get the 'what about no 3?' question again!

Original poster

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 15/08/2010 12:54

I am loving the fucking hard work answer!

OP posts:

kittywise · 15/08/2010 13:01

YABU and really over sensitive. it's a perfectly normal question to ask

Original poster

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 15/08/2010 13:06

Once maybe but to repeatedly go on about it even when told the reasons?

Maybe you are right though, I am BU to a degree.

OP posts:

Bobbalina · 15/08/2010 13:12

As a parent of 1 ten year old I sympathise. If people ask once I would just say "we feel we got it right first time round".

If they ask more than once then tell them straight up that you find their asking you rude/irritating/tiresome and would prefer to talk of something else.

Some people just ask because its something to say and they are a bit lacking in social skills. Some are taking a genuine and benign interest even if you find it unwelcome. Others seem to find it their duty to encourage everyone to have more children. Some seem to think that if you only go through sleepless nights with one child, that is unfair on people who do it more than once...

Having one child is fantastic imo and there are lots of advantages.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 15/08/2010 13:13

Next time I shall respond;
"Nah, I don't really like children that much" (by preference casting a quick glance at the interrogater's dcs). "One'll do us fine."

littlefirefly · 15/08/2010 13:38

I tell people that I only needed to get pg once to get a council flat and get my benefits sorted.

elvislives · 15/08/2010 13:46

I have 5 children. Because there is a 15.5 year gap between DC4 and DC5 people only see us with 3 yo DD. We are asked all the time "is she your first?" and "are you having any more?" It's what people do to make conversation.

When people who know us ask "are you having any more?" I reply "don't you think 5 is enough?". That generally shuts them up. Or else "I think I'm pushing it now at 47 don't you?"

thumbwitch · 15/08/2010 13:47

Mostly it is just conversational - I am guilty of it myself, despite having read several threads on the topic on MN - but in your case, for people to go on about it and to introduce you as "the couple who only want one child"... well, I'd be looking for better friends, I think.

I get asked a fair bit whether or not we are having a second one - mostly I say "we're working on it" but as time goes on I shall have to modify that answer. I have noticed that here in Australia most women are much more open about their childbearing situation, so if I don't want everyone to know about it, best not tell anyone! It's dreadfully gossipy where I am and my MIL is one of the worst.

lolapoppins · 15/08/2010 13:49

Ds is almost 8, the 'when are you having another' has never let up.

It's incredibly upsetting, as I would have loved a housefull of children by now, but for a lot of reasons, which are no one elses business but my own, I just have ds.

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