Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL cutting her nose to spite her face???

99 replies

Chunkamatic · 12/08/2010 22:17

Ok, where to start as this could be long...

A couple of weeks ago PIL's came over to visit us (which has been quite rare DS2 is 6mo and they have probably seen him 5 times in total, they live 30 miles away and we have only recently moved, before this we were much closer to where they are). We were talking about our plans for Christmas and we said that we would be having it at our house and we would like them to come over and possibly stay. Then on Boxing Day DP and I are going racing with friends and could they have the DC. I must add that we take it in turns to spend Christmas here or up North with my family. Each year we have spent it here we have had a day out on Boxing Day and they have helped with childcare. The next day she phoned DP to say that she would not be able to look after the DC's as there is 2 of them. She would be happy to look after DS1 but as she has a dog it would be too much for her to have them both overnight (she would not be on her own, FIL is always there too).

DS1 will be 2.10 and DS2 10mo. I know how much work they ared as I do it every day, and I know this is not a small ask. However, one of her reasons was that her dog is getting old and sometimes growls at DS1 when he stays with them.

DP felt a bit annoyed about the way she handled this, she basically said that she wouldn't be able to look after the two of them until the dog dies. He explained that they are the only support we have even remotely near and that we had imagined she would quite like the opportunity to spend time with the boys. Her reply was that my parents could help us out (they live 200 miles away). All we were asking was for one day once a year and when he asked if she would reconsider she said no.

Fast forward to this week... DP has only spoken to her briefly on the phone up until now. He is going away for work next week and I will go and stay with my Parents during this time. She had obviously realised that this weekend is the last chance she will get to see us in a while. So tonight she called and said "When will I get to see DS1?" (note no mention of DS2, or us for that matter). DP said that we are busy this weekend, if they want to come over in the week they can but we are not willing to deliver DS1 to stay with her at her convenience when she cannot try and help us out for one day out of a year. Her attitude was that we were being out of order, it is far too much to ask of her.

I feel like she is cutting off her nose to spite her face as she thinks we are trying to take advantage. They have always been more than willing to look after DS1, they used to have him twice a week when I went back to work and they loved that time, they never ever complained and used to send him home late as they didn't want him to leave. She would happliy have him stay over for a few nights, but not DS2 - which i just find appalling.

So AIBU and a big brat - or is she? We are meant to be going on holiday with them for a week end of Sept and I feel like cancelling it all now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chunkamatic · 12/08/2010 22:17

OMG that is horrendously long - sorry...

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 12/08/2010 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nancy75 · 12/08/2010 22:23

did she have ds1 when he was a baby? maybe she is happier having ds1 as he is bigger and easier to look after? she might really be worried she won't cope with a toddler and a small baby

nannynobnobs · 12/08/2010 22:24

Unfortunately they have a bond with DS1 which they don't yet have with DS2, but they won't have the bond if they don't look after him!
My friend has this with her mum; she has had a room for her DGD (now 11) since birth and would have her any time for any length of time. She has, to my knowledge, never has her DGS, now five, citing an ever- changing string of excuses. My friend has cried over this.
However you do sound like you are being rather pushy re the Boxing day thing. Perhaps they are worried they can't cope with a baby and a toddler and something will go wrong.

zookeeper · 12/08/2010 22:24

I think having your 2 dcs overnight is a very big ask. YABU

2rebecca · 12/08/2010 22:26

Why is it MIL's fault not FIL's? Why are the women always expected to look after the kids?
She's sounding a bit old and frail and scared of babies to be honest. You obviously don't expect your FIL to pitch in and expect her to be managing single handed.

Sequins · 12/08/2010 22:27

Sorry but I don't think you can ask grandparents to look after babies or a baby and a toddler if they don't feel up to it.

How would you feel if there was an incident with the dog? If your MIL doesn't feel safe with the arrangement then I don't think you can ask her to change things, what else do you think she could do with the dog anyway?

It sounds like your main issue is that she is not keen enough on DS2, you might find she will be more accommodating when he is a bit older.

Could you not cancel the racing, take DS1 out and let MIL and FIL have a chance to just get to know DS2? Taking the long view, IFSWIM?

spanxaremyonlyfriend · 12/08/2010 22:27

YABU. Its not appaling to not want someone else's baby overnight, or to not want to babysit on boxing day. Do you really expect her to come and pick up DS1 when she babysits overnight rather than you drop him off?

Olifin · 12/08/2010 22:29

Sorry, from the information you've given us here, I'd say YABU.

Looking after a baby and a toddler is a lot of work (as you know, obviously!) And as much as you might wish they would want to have the children overnight, they are certainly not obliged to do so and are NBU in saying it's too much for them.

My parents don't have our DCs overnight as often as they used to when it was just DD. I totally understand why.

cornsilk1010 · 12/08/2010 22:29

I think seeing ds2 5 times in 6 months is fine tbh. Can't you take ds2 with you?

alicet · 12/08/2010 22:30

SOrry but I think you are being a bit petulant about Boxing Day. 2 children is harder work than 1 as I am sure you are aware. Her reason of the dog sounds a bit Hmm but at the same time how would you feel if the dog went for one of your boys when you have been expressly warned that they are concerned about this?

If you are busy I wouldn't be running around after them so they can see ds1 either, I would let them do the running, but by continuing to go on about Boxing Day you are behaving like a spoilt child and I can understand her reaction.

I also don't understand why they have to have both boys overnight for you to go out on Boxing Day if they are only 30 miles away? Could a possible compromise be that they have them for the day only and you come and pick them up in the evening (or they could put the boys to bed at theirs but either you will go and stay with them too so can pick up any night wakings / early morning start, or you can take them home with you when you get back)

paisleyleaf · 12/08/2010 22:31

You say "All we were asking was for one day" But it's actually an overnight at christmas isn't it?

Maybe the thing about not having them both until the dog's died is actually quite sensible.

snowsmurf · 12/08/2010 22:32

Wow - a bit delusional but hey nobody is perfect.

iamamug · 12/08/2010 22:35

YABU - she has said she is worried about the dog growling - quite clearly she is uncomfortable with how she will cope. It sounds like you organised their Christmas and Boxing Day for them. No wonder they are a bit pissed off!
Miss your racing for one year - it won't hurt. By next year the baby is a year older and the dog might be dead - and you'll have your unpaid childcare back!

alicet · 12/08/2010 22:35

Also you say 'each year we have spent christmas here we have been out on boxing day and they have helped with childcare' like it is some sort of tradition. Yet if you spend alternate years at your families, and ds1 is only 2.10 this year, it can actually only be 1 year they have done this with ds1 so its hardly reasonable for you to assume that they would always do this is it? Even if it was still only ds1 and not 2 of them

nomorebooze · 12/08/2010 22:36

YA and YANBU, i can see both sides but i would be pissed off with her lack of interest in seeing ds2! My MIL never asks about her granddaughter [my 7 month old] when on the phone, however raves about my niece all the time, i think its down to me not needing support, so she doesnt feel needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! theres always something with parents, dont let it get to you. Oh and never expect they want to baby sit i have also found it a bit weird! another story though Smile x

cornsilk1010 · 12/08/2010 22:38

maybe they want to end the 'tradition' before it is established with ds2.

AlegnaDnalyel · 12/08/2010 22:38

Actually I think YANBU. To me the kids come as a package, so if you ask them to babysit you obviously mean both of them. It seems like they are not including your ds2 at all. Obviously if they won't have them then there's not much you can do about it really.

Jux · 12/08/2010 22:38

I think you are being spoilt brats. YABVVVVVU.

WhatTheDeuce · 12/08/2010 22:39

You mention that you alternate between being at inlaws or up north each Xmas, yet if ds1 will only be 2.10 at christmas this must mean that your inlaws have only offered this babysitting on Boxing Day once before.

So far from being standard procedure, it may have only been a one off

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/08/2010 22:40

YABU. 2 children is a lot more work than 1.

WhatTheDeuce · 12/08/2010 22:41

BTW

YABU

paisleyleaf · 12/08/2010 22:41

LOL iamamug "the dog might be dead - and you'll have your unpaid childcare back!"
every cloud and all that Grin

BCBG · 12/08/2010 22:43

Sorry, but I think YABVU..it reads like you have only invited them for Christmas so you can go racing with friends on Boxing Day and you just can't accept that maybe they DO feel that it is too much to ask of them in the circumstances, especially given that by your own account they have done this on previous Boxing Days. She probably thinks you are both taking the piss: I know I do.

WhatTheDeuce · 12/08/2010 22:43

Sigh, am so slow... alicet you said it so much more clearly than me (2 glasses of wine after 2 week break = slow typing low comprehension)

Swipe left for the next trending thread