MIL cutting her nose to spite her face???

[Chunkamatic]

Ok, where to start as this could be long...

A couple of weeks ago PIL's came over to visit us (which has been quite rare DS2 is 6mo and they have probably seen him 5 times in total, they live 30 miles away and we have only recently moved, before this we were much closer to where they are). We were talking about our plans for Christmas and we said that we would be having it at our house and we would like them to come over and possibly stay. Then on Boxing Day DP and I are going racing with friends and could they have the DC. I must add that we take it in turns to spend Christmas here or up North with my family. Each year we have spent it here we have had a day out on Boxing Day and they have helped with childcare. The next day she phoned DP to say that she would not be able to look after the DC's as there is 2 of them. She would be happy to look after DS1 but as she has a dog it would be too much for her to have them both overnight (she would not be on her own, FIL is always there too).

DS1 will be 2.10 and DS2 10mo. I know how much work they ared as I do it every day, and I know this is not a small ask. However, one of her reasons was that her dog is getting old and sometimes growls at DS1 when he stays with them.

DP felt a bit annoyed about the way she handled this, she basically said that she wouldn't be able to look after the two of them until the dog dies. He explained that they are the only support we have even remotely near and that we had imagined she would quite like the opportunity to spend time with the boys. Her reply was that my parents could help us out (they live 200 miles away). All we were asking was for one day once a year and when he asked if she would reconsider she said no.

Fast forward to this week... DP has only spoken to her briefly on the phone up until now. He is going away for work next week and I will go and stay with my Parents during this time. She had obviously realised that this weekend is the last chance she will get to see us in a while. So tonight she called and said "When will I get to see DS1?" (note no mention of DS2, or us for that matter). DP said that we are busy this weekend, if they want to come over in the week they can but we are not willing to deliver DS1 to stay with her at her convenience when she cannot try and help us out for one day out of a year. Her attitude was that we were being out of order, it is far too much to ask of her.

I feel like she is cutting off her nose to spite her face as she thinks we are trying to take advantage. They have always been more than willing to look after DS1, they used to have him twice a week when I went back to work and they loved that time, they never ever complained and used to send him home late as they didn't want him to leave. She would happliy have him stay over for a few nights, but not DS2 - which i just find appalling.

So AIBU and a big brat - or is she? We are meant to be going on holiday with them for a week end of Sept and I feel like cancelling it all now.

YABU and a brat.

You asked, your MIL said no and justified her decision in a perfectly reasonable manner and now you are treating her badly to get your own back. Very childish.

Ok there are 2 issues here and you need to seperate them. The babysitting thing - you asked, they declined as is their right to do. Your husband bringing it up again and effectively punishing them is way out of line. Would you even want to go out and leave your kids with reluctant babysitters?? I wouldn't! Could they possibly be feeling a bit put upon? As much as they clearly adore your DS1, if they have babysat a lot for him/you then they may feel you ask too often. You inviting them over for Christmas and wanting them to babysit Boxing Day may well have been the straw that broke the camel's back - they feel there are strings attached to your invite.

The other more important issue is their relationship with your DS2 and how often they see him. This is much more important imo. If they've only seen him 5 times in 6 months then that means they've only seen all of you 5 times in 6 months I assume? I would expect to see family who only live 30 miles away much more than that. Why don't you try initiating more contact - without asking for babysitting? Invite them over for meals or days out, show that you want a relationship with them - and not just for the childcare. After all a grandparents love for their grandchildren can't be measured in how much they babysit - it's in how much of an interest they take generally.

YABU

Um, I do think she is being a bit unreasonable and silly about looking after two, and the dog thing is a bit daft.

However, I can understand that she is a bit miffed that you have invited them to spend Christmas with you, only to assume that you can swan off overnight with friends on Boxing Day, and leave them there as the hired help! Boxing Day is part of Christmas - perhaps you should be spending it with them and your DCs, and going racing another time? Then your mil might be a bit more obliging.

You're being a brat. Sulking because she won't jump when you whistle? Grow up.

YABU.

You're also being very immature to consider cancelling a holiday - it's emotional blackmail "babysit or you can't see your grandkids".

Furthermore - in your OP you state that the dog growls at your son... bet you'd throw all your toys out of the pram about your "unreasonable MIL" should it bite.

Yes, good idea, force her to have them both and we'll wait for the 'MIL's bloody dog bit my DC! AIBU to want the thing shot?' thread.

Look, ask nicely if they can have the children until 5pm on Boxing Day and take over after that. Then addres the issue of your ILs not getting to know DS2. Perhaps suggest they have him for the day withput DS1. It's almost certainly the thought of having a toddler as well as new baby that is freaking them out. A baby on his own won't be a problem - just as it wasn't with DS#1.

As the OP hasn't replied at all to the threads this is looking like a wind up, or rudeness. What is the point of starting a thread and then not participating in it and fighting your corner? Strange.

My PILs live 5 minutes away and we see them way less than 5 times in 6 months. Or at least the children and I don't - dh works with them and so sees them almost every day!

I don't think the frequency that they have seen the younger child is remotely unusual or worrying. MIL loves DS1 and DS2 to bits despite not having seen them or babysat anywhere near as often as dd. And she is just as into them as she is into dh's nephews and nieces who have stayed with PIL loads.

My mother, who is wonderful, also lives 5 mins away and I suppose recently she has probably seen the children about once a week, because she picks dd up from school once a week. So literally a hello in the hall to ds1 and ds2 before she goes home. And she's had dd to stay once, just before ds1 was born. I don't feel this is a reflection on her feelings for me and them, nor that there is any reason why she should have the children overnight. She probably would if I asked, but ds2 is currently almost 1 and way too much of a handful in conjunction with another child. She'd be exhausted!

YABU - have not read the rest of the thread so don't know if there is info you have added later on that I've not read, but these are my thoughts:

1. you are not automatically entitled to childcare, it sounds as though you have already booked the racing without asking them first if they could have DCs - this smacks of taking it for granted, and they way you 'asked' them made it sound like they can come for xmas if they look after your DCs on boxing day

2. two is MUCH harder work than one, you have said so yourself, so I am not sure why you don't feel this is relevant

3. I think she is being very sensible regarding her dog, how many threads do we see on here re children getting bitten by family dogs - as her dog has growled at your DS she is trying to make sure she does not have her hands too full to keep the dog under control. This is for the protection of your child/ren.

YABVU

They are your kids. Your in laws have helped out a lot in the past and tbh maybe they feel youre a pretty ungrateful pair and why should they bother anymore.

Also, the dog growls at ds, I wouldnt want my kid being around it just so I could have a 'day off'.

you want your DS to go and stay in a house with a dog that growls at him?

Can't really decide about the rest, but I think them seeing your DS2 5 times is 6 months is poor, seeing as they live relatively close.

I have a similar problem with PIL who have only seen DD a similar ratio of times (she is 9 months) eventhough they only live about 6 miles away and she is their only GC. It sucks because it really hurts DP, I'm sure you're the same, x.

My DPs wouldn't look after my dcs when they were that age. Well, not wouldn't - we never asked, as they were a right handful (they were both walking at 10months).

However, now they are 5 and 4 they are looking after them for 3 days while we move house.

IMO, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Are you getting the message now that YABU?!

I also don't understand the timescale issue. You make it sound as though this Boxing Day races with kids going to PIL has been happening for years. Yousecond child was only two months old last Christmas, and your eldest has only been around for 3 Christmasas, and presumably as your PIL alternate with coming to you and going up North, given that this Christmas is your turn, they have only actually had one Christmas previously with you since you became parents! So, on one occasion, they looked after one child while you went to the races. That was also in the context of looking after that child twice a week so you could work. (Bet you didn't pay for that either!)

They have made it clear they don't want the commitment of two children all of Boxing Day and overnight, and who can blame them? They don't feel up to it, they probably want a quiet time to relax after Christmas, maybe they would prefer to see friends.

You then respond by stamping your foot and saying you won't go on holiday with them, and you want to use the kids as pawns in the middle of this. Nice

Look, you have 4 months til Christmas. If you are so desperate to have a day out without kids, then there will be plenty of cash strapped students around then, home from Uni, who would look after them for a day. It'll cost you, but fair enough if you want your children cared for.

Gosh, unless either you or your Dh is an actual racehorse then surely 1 day at the races isn't worth this!

Change the boxing day tradition so your friends come to you for a big get together.

2rebecca I imagine the op hasn't come back to "fight her corner" as she's realised SIBU but doesn't really want to look at 50 posts telling her so

she did ask at the end of her post "am I being a brat?" -maybe she was just using AIBU to find out- rather than have a big fuck off dust up with a bunch of strangers??

YANBU.

GPs are not obliged to help parents, but then neither are parents obliged to accommodate GP's desire to see their GC.

It's give and take. AFAIC, if GPs aren't willing to put themselves out in any way to help us out, then neither will I put myself out in any way to allow them to see dc.

Which is exactly what you are saying.

So you only visit your parents if they will do you specific favours? Nice .

The OPs PIL used to look after their dgs twice a week, every week, presumably for free but because they don't fall in with having their Christmas organised for them and they don't want a crawling baby, a toddler and a growling dog together all day and all night they don't deserve visits anymore.

Another YABU. Sounds like they've helped out quite a bit in the past and you're nose is a bit out of joint that they won't just do as you want now. Not wanting 2 young children overnight does NOT mean that they don't want to see them, they may just find it too much so I'm afraid I think it's up to you to sort out your childcare, not them.

And to be honest, why you would even WANT either of your children to stay there when MIL has already said that the dog sometimes growls at one of your children is beyond me.

I've also had to deal with PIL favouring one child over another, it's horrible and they are BU about that, but that's it I'm afraid.

Sory but....YABU

My Mum currently looks after DD 1-2 days a week so I can work, I am preganant with DC2 and she has already thinks she can't cope with 2. Which I completely accept. She is doing me a favour and it is not her duty. It will be a shame if she doesn't have as good a relationship with DC2 as DD but it may happen as she has spent a lot of time with DD.

They are your children, your responsibility. You are in danger of using the children as pawns in a battle with them because you are upset. I would hope that as DS2 grows older and is able to interract more with them there relationship will improve. But why take away DS1s good relationship with GPs just because you are upset, it's not fair on him.

YABU and selfish.

Ok so I can take it that we are BU then!!!

Sorry I didn't come back before now - DS1 not very well last night so was dealing with that - hope thats OK for you 2rebecca?!

Just to clarify a few things though...

Re the growling dog: No, I do not particularly want to leave my children with a dog that could be aggressive. But MIL has only raised this as an issue when giving a reason for not having both DCs. Her statement to DP was "[dog] is getting old, he has growled at DS1 before you know, there's lots of things we don't always tell you". So, she thinks it's Ok not to tell us about these incidents previously and carry on looking after DS1? She's not an irresponsible person so I can't see why she thinks it's Ok not to mention this before IYSWIM? So yes, it does give me reason not to want to send them there regardless.

Also, the MIL/FIL issue. I agree, he is also responsible for the DC's when they are at their home. But this is how they arrange the childcare - she does the majority and he does what he is told. That's the way they brought up DP too by the sounds of it. So it is not my expectation that she does all the work or has all the responsibility, it is just that she is the one who makes the decisions about when they have DS1 etc etc.

Yes they have helped us out massivley in the past, and we have always been grateful for that. However, when I went back to work PT after DS1, it was them who made the suggestion that they would look after him 2 days a week, rather than me go back for 3 days and pay for childcare. So at no point did I get the impression that they felt "put upon".

I think the thing that obviously doesn't come across in my OP is that rather than assume we could get free childcare for the day, we assumed that they would have appreciated the chance to spend some time with the DCs. She has always enjoyed having DS1 "to herself" and I had stupidly assumed that the same would apply to both of them. IMO 2 children does not equal twice the work, and if she were to spend a bit more time with us all she would maybe have a more realistic idea.

And we are not withdrawing our Dcs from them, we have told them that they are welcome to come over here whenever they want, they only have to ask. We are both going away next week so it is up to them if they want to see us before we go. But no, I am not going to break my neck to go over there when they make very little effort to come here. If they feel they haven't seen DS1 enough recentley then they need to think about how they wish to manage that. I am happy for them to look after him from time to time, but they should also be willing to spend time with DS2 on his own if that is the case.

Boxing Day is not a big deal, we will take the kids with us - not a problem. Like I said rather than it be down to free childcare we just assumed they would like the chance to spend time with them. We want to spend Christmas in our new house and we want them to be part of it, and we will do what ever we need to make that happen if they want to. We have not told them what to do - we have invited them over for the day/night.

And Re the holiday - you're right, it would be wrong to cancel. I will just have to hope we manage to clear the air before we all go to avoid a house full of tension!!

Is your MIL starting to feel her age? Worried that you will expect them to look after both DC if/when you return to work?

Maybe the dog showing signs of age is making them feel their age. Maybe it just can't take boisterous children any more(I know my kids are disappointed that their Aunts dog no longer wants to chase sticks etc.)

Do you give them things back? Spend time with them, without kids or with kids occupied? Do they want to come to yours at Christmas? Might they prefer being at their own place? Do they have their own plans?

sorry, you sound a bit petulant to me, yes YABU!