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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL cutting her nose to spite her face???

99 replies

Chunkamatic · 12/08/2010 22:17

Ok, where to start as this could be long...

A couple of weeks ago PIL's came over to visit us (which has been quite rare DS2 is 6mo and they have probably seen him 5 times in total, they live 30 miles away and we have only recently moved, before this we were much closer to where they are). We were talking about our plans for Christmas and we said that we would be having it at our house and we would like them to come over and possibly stay. Then on Boxing Day DP and I are going racing with friends and could they have the DC. I must add that we take it in turns to spend Christmas here or up North with my family. Each year we have spent it here we have had a day out on Boxing Day and they have helped with childcare. The next day she phoned DP to say that she would not be able to look after the DC's as there is 2 of them. She would be happy to look after DS1 but as she has a dog it would be too much for her to have them both overnight (she would not be on her own, FIL is always there too).

DS1 will be 2.10 and DS2 10mo. I know how much work they ared as I do it every day, and I know this is not a small ask. However, one of her reasons was that her dog is getting old and sometimes growls at DS1 when he stays with them.

DP felt a bit annoyed about the way she handled this, she basically said that she wouldn't be able to look after the two of them until the dog dies. He explained that they are the only support we have even remotely near and that we had imagined she would quite like the opportunity to spend time with the boys. Her reply was that my parents could help us out (they live 200 miles away). All we were asking was for one day once a year and when he asked if she would reconsider she said no.

Fast forward to this week... DP has only spoken to her briefly on the phone up until now. He is going away for work next week and I will go and stay with my Parents during this time. She had obviously realised that this weekend is the last chance she will get to see us in a while. So tonight she called and said "When will I get to see DS1?" (note no mention of DS2, or us for that matter). DP said that we are busy this weekend, if they want to come over in the week they can but we are not willing to deliver DS1 to stay with her at her convenience when she cannot try and help us out for one day out of a year. Her attitude was that we were being out of order, it is far too much to ask of her.

I feel like she is cutting off her nose to spite her face as she thinks we are trying to take advantage. They have always been more than willing to look after DS1, they used to have him twice a week when I went back to work and they loved that time, they never ever complained and used to send him home late as they didn't want him to leave. She would happliy have him stay over for a few nights, but not DS2 - which i just find appalling.

So AIBU and a big brat - or is she? We are meant to be going on holiday with them for a week end of Sept and I feel like cancelling it all now.

OP posts:

MorningTownRide · 13/08/2010 10:43

Good grief, you are petty.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 13/08/2010 10:51

YABU, sorry. Looking after two is a lot more work than looking after one, and I do think the dog issue is relevant. It's one specific way in which having two is more difficult/risky. If I had a dog who was slightly aggressive towards/intolerant of children I would probably still be happy to have one child around, because I'd feel confident that I could keep him in sight the whole time and make sure he didn't get too close to the dog. But two mobile children who can go in opposite directions -- far more of a challenge and I'd feel far more twitchy about it.

mummylin2495 · 13/08/2010 11:37

I think the thing that obviously doesn't come across in my OP is that rather than assume we could get free childcare for the day, we assumed that they would have appreciated the chance to spend some time with the DCs [ cp] nothing to do with you and your dh wanting a day out then ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/08/2010 11:40

I think it's really weird that you keep going on about how little you see them. 5 times in 6 months is every 5-6 weeks on average. My parents live 40 miles away and that is about how often we see them.
By the time we have seen other family members and friends it is hard to fit everyone in.

You sound an ungrateful nightmare to be honest.

SkiHorseWonAWean · 13/08/2010 11:43

"We assumed they'd appreciate the chance to spend some time with their DCs on the day we assumed they'd babysit."

juuule · 13/08/2010 11:54

YABU.

"IMO 2 children does not equal twice the work,"
You are quite right with that. It's more than twice the work.

Nospringflower · 13/08/2010 11:56

I think the OP is being quite reasonable. She asked AIBU and then was told yes (and I agreed that she was BU) and she has accepted the bulk of what was said and changed her plans. Not sure why people are still going on at her now.

IsItMeOr · 13/08/2010 12:06

YABU and despite the chorus here, it really doesn't seem as if you've quite got the message yet.

pointydog · 13/08/2010 12:09

I've only read the op and it is very familiar in some ways.

My mum used to watch dd1 two days a week while I worked. Then dd2 came along and it was just far too tiring for her (she was only late 50s).

It is completely different looking after a toddler and a baby to just looking after the one child. I can fully understand that your mil is not keen to spend Boxing Day babysitting two small children and I think you and your dp have been quite unkind in pushing her on this point.

It is also perfectly understandable that she would still like to spend time with ds1. She is not trying to neglect ds2. Goodness, it would give you a break if she did take ds1.

You are being very unreasonable, expecting too much and being unkind.

Original poster

Chunkamatic · 13/08/2010 12:16

Oh yes, I have got the message loud and clear! I was just trying to address a couple of the issues people had raised in my PP.

So, whilst I can accept that I am being unreasonable, it's not as some people seem to think because I'm worried I won't get a night out. As I said we will re-arrange our plans. It is more because I am disappointed that they don't seem to want to play a bigger part in the DC's lives and that they seem to want to pick and choose rather than be an active and constant role for them. TBH this also stems from other recent issues which I have just tried to write down in short-form but couldn't be done. So without boring you all with all the details of how we've got here I will accept the verdict that IBU. You have given me some things for us to reflect upon in time for our week away with them

OP posts:

Condensedmilkaddict · 13/08/2010 12:25

I don't think YABU about wanting your inlaws to spend time with both their grandsons.
One day, I would have thought, would not be too much...

But I do think YABU about leaving them there with a dog who growls at them.
Not worth the risk Chunkamatic.

It's the grandparents loss though...I'm sure there are plenty of people who would love to look after two boys at such a cute age.
Come to Australia - I will watch them for you

MyNextMove · 13/08/2010 12:26

How old are they Chunk?

IsItMeOr · 13/08/2010 12:41

Chunkamatic - just re-read your 1st response post slowly and would like to retract my judginess.

As you say, we can never know what's going on for you in RL quite as well as you do .

FakePlasticTrees · 13/08/2010 12:55

Cancelling the holiday is a bad idea - that's the perfect chance for PIL to get to know DS2 better and spend time with him! If they're still not interested after that, then you have my approval to be snippy with them. (And keep your DS's away from that dog!)

MorrisZapp · 13/08/2010 13:14

As a general point, I think it is unreasonable to expect the GPs to treat all your kids alike if this involves childcare.

With every year, your GPs get older and your kids get more demanding. Loads of GPs bond amazingly with a first child then find that two is too much - they are older, it's harder work.

So imo the best way to allow any GPs to bond with all the kids in the family is to share family time with them, not to ask for more childcare.

I'm not even old but my babysitting offers extend only to those who have one child only. I can't do two. And as babysitting is offered as a favour, I can say what I am and am not willing to do. It doesn't mean I think less of people's second and third kids, I just can't face looking after more than one.

violethill · 13/08/2010 13:33

I agree.
I also think that as the Gps looked after the ds1 twice a week while the OP worked, it's natural that they have a stronger bond with him. (It sounds as though the OP doesn't work now, or had different arrangements).

I'm afraid that if you use arrangements like that for one child, which won't necessarily happen for any others, then that's something you need to just accept as part and parcel of your decision. Personally, I think it's another reason in favour of keeping grandparenting and childcare as separate things. The OP's ds 1 had lots of time with the gp's, because this suited the OP. The circumstances have now changed, she lives further away and isn't using the GPs for twice weekly childcare. I don't think you can blame the Gps for feeling more confident with the eldest child. that's purely a consequence of the choice the OP made. It doesn't mean they live the ds2 any less, it's just that the circumstances are different.

I agree that the holiday seems a good chance to redress this balance a little. For goodness sake don't use your children as pawns - none of this is their fault!

I'd also recommend getting to know some local teenagers or students so that you can get the babysitting when you want it without having to involve the gps

PeachesandStrawberry · 13/08/2010 15:12

Bloody hell.

OP I felt so sorry for you reading all these posts.

I can understand how you feel and hope that you
come to an arrangement soon.

My god I hope I don't get the rest of you giving me advice. I would hate to be called a brat and petty and being told to grow up, just because somebody asked a question. It's not like she has cancelled their holiday, but that she was angry and felt like doing it. There is a difference.

Are you all so perfect that you've never made a mistake?

SkiHorseWonAWean · 13/08/2010 15:19

You still don't get the point though as yet again you are bitching that they seem to "pick and choose" when they want to babysit see the grandchildren!

FellatioNelson · 13/08/2010 15:28

Oh I think she's got the point. give her a break now.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 13/08/2010 15:31

Chunkamatic - why is it unreasonable for your PIL to 'pick and choose' how/when they see their grandchildren? They do have lives of their own, and needs of their own too - and they have a right to take these things into consideration when deciding whether or not they do something.

My mother loves my dses, but when they were younger, she didn't want to come to stay with us, because she found the constant noise and energy of the boys far too tiring for her - she is in her 70s. She couldn't come and stay often because she and we live a long way apart, but when she did, she prefered to stay in a hotel, so she had a quiet refuge at the end of the day, and didn't get woken early by the boys. It was also difficult for her to put us all up as she didn't have the space, so we either had to go for a very short visit (it was OK for a night or two, but too cramped for longer) or we stayed in a local B&B, or I went down on my own.

I could have looked at this as Mum not wanting to spend time with her dgc, or picking and choosing when and how to spend time with them, but I understood that she had needs as well, and we had to take them into consideration.

Similarly my MIL has had each of the boys to stay individually. It would be great for dh and I if all three of them could go and spend a few nights with her, because it would give us a break, and we could have some child-free fun, but she wouldn't be able to cope with all of them at once, and I wouldn't dream of getting snotty with her or judging her for that. I know she loves my dses and loves spending time with them - and the fact she doesn't want them to stay all at once doesn't change that one jot!

pranma · 13/08/2010 17:29

Sorry YABU-I am a devoted grandma and do a lot of child care but I wouldn't have the 2 of them overnight together.They are 3.11 and 18mnths.

Lizcat · 13/08/2010 17:55

I'm sorry YABU having parents/parents in law look after DCs is a priviledge my parents live 200 miles away and my PIL refuse to help in any shape or form, which they made quite clear the one time we asked 6 years ago.
We now weigh up how important an event is and either don't go or pay for a babysitter. Our social lives are tiny compared to pre-child, but that is our choice.

tokyonambu · 13/08/2010 19:11

"GPs are not obliged to help parents, but then neither are parents obliged to accommodate GP's desire to see their GC."

Some parents, of course, regard their children's interests as more important, and think that a relationship with their grandparents is quite important. Others think it's entirely about the grandparents being rewarded for good behaviour.

vInTaGeVioLeT · 13/08/2010 20:07

aww i do feel a bit sorry for chunkamatic as she did get rather outnumbered but i'd say that the in laws are going on holidays with you as a family which proves they do want to be a part of gc's lives and maybe after spending a week all together they'll feel more confident with the children

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