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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL cutting her nose to spite her face???

99 replies

Chunkamatic · 12/08/2010 22:17

Ok, where to start as this could be long...

A couple of weeks ago PIL's came over to visit us (which has been quite rare DS2 is 6mo and they have probably seen him 5 times in total, they live 30 miles away and we have only recently moved, before this we were much closer to where they are). We were talking about our plans for Christmas and we said that we would be having it at our house and we would like them to come over and possibly stay. Then on Boxing Day DP and I are going racing with friends and could they have the DC. I must add that we take it in turns to spend Christmas here or up North with my family. Each year we have spent it here we have had a day out on Boxing Day and they have helped with childcare. The next day she phoned DP to say that she would not be able to look after the DC's as there is 2 of them. She would be happy to look after DS1 but as she has a dog it would be too much for her to have them both overnight (she would not be on her own, FIL is always there too).

DS1 will be 2.10 and DS2 10mo. I know how much work they ared as I do it every day, and I know this is not a small ask. However, one of her reasons was that her dog is getting old and sometimes growls at DS1 when he stays with them.

DP felt a bit annoyed about the way she handled this, she basically said that she wouldn't be able to look after the two of them until the dog dies. He explained that they are the only support we have even remotely near and that we had imagined she would quite like the opportunity to spend time with the boys. Her reply was that my parents could help us out (they live 200 miles away). All we were asking was for one day once a year and when he asked if she would reconsider she said no.

Fast forward to this week... DP has only spoken to her briefly on the phone up until now. He is going away for work next week and I will go and stay with my Parents during this time. She had obviously realised that this weekend is the last chance she will get to see us in a while. So tonight she called and said "When will I get to see DS1?" (note no mention of DS2, or us for that matter). DP said that we are busy this weekend, if they want to come over in the week they can but we are not willing to deliver DS1 to stay with her at her convenience when she cannot try and help us out for one day out of a year. Her attitude was that we were being out of order, it is far too much to ask of her.

I feel like she is cutting off her nose to spite her face as she thinks we are trying to take advantage. They have always been more than willing to look after DS1, they used to have him twice a week when I went back to work and they loved that time, they never ever complained and used to send him home late as they didn't want him to leave. She would happliy have him stay over for a few nights, but not DS2 - which i just find appalling.

So AIBU and a big brat - or is she? We are meant to be going on holiday with them for a week end of Sept and I feel like cancelling it all now.

OP posts:

SpringHeeledJack · 12/08/2010 22:44

afraid YABU here. A toddler a baby and a dog sounds like a bit of a handful to me...

I know how awful it feels though. My M and D used to drop everything for ds when he was little but hardly ever looked after the dds- till very recently.

thesecondcoming · 12/08/2010 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilythia · 12/08/2010 23:09

Yabu.
They have looked ater your ds1 once 2 years ago and so they have to have 2 under 3's thisyear? No way is that fair. And overnight at christmas is well fucking cheeky as then they can't drink/enjoy their christmas. Dont be such brats.

Vallhala · 12/08/2010 23:10

YABU. No-one owes you any childcare, nor does anyone have any obligation to see or care for your children, whether they are family or not. You've asked, they've declined, why not respect that?

WRT the dog, MIL has a very good point. We have seen posts on here where the MIL allows contact between her dog and her DGC, despite the parent's concerns about the dog. Here, you MIL herself has voiced concerns.

What do you want? Her to have your child and an incident to occur with the dog? Her to suddenly be willing and able to dispense with her dog to suit you?

Childcare and contact with grandparents when carried out responsibly is a godsend but not a right. I speak as one whose DC have one set of very hands on grandparents (albeit on their terms and to their convenience!) and one set who do sweet FA. I respect the opinion of both.

Your PIL have brought up their own children. Now they have come to a point where they can decide what they do in life. They have decided that they want a pet which is not suited to young children, as is their right and that they don't feel they can cope with two little ones. That is surely a responsible, considered response to your request and one which should be accepted with good grace.

LittleSilver · 12/08/2010 23:13

Sorry, I think yabu. It's a big ask and the dog thing is frankly alarming and your MIL sounds responsible and sensible about it. Agree with other poster about why is your anger aimed solely at MIL and not FIL as well?

DuelingFanjo · 12/08/2010 23:13

Ya are being a bit of a brat to be honest. They don't have to look after your children and it sounds like you presented them with the idea of them coming to you and then you getting free baby-sitting on boxing day as a done deal.

LauraNorder · 12/08/2010 23:14

Sorry I also agree - YABU, she's said she can't cope with 2 of them, your DC's are very young and young children are a lot of work. Don't take it out on them. Sorry - not what you want to hear.

LucyLouLou · 12/08/2010 23:27

I agree with the majority too. I think YABU. Basically, the bones of the situation (as I understand it) are that MIL has given perfectly valid reasons for not babysitting on Boxing Day and you are withholding the GCs for this reason. At best, this is punishment (for nothing wrong in this instance), at worst, it's manipulation to get her to change her mind.

That said, I do get why you're mad about her not showing interest in your littlest one, but it's possible she is a bit concerned about looking after a baby (maybe for the reasons she has said she can't babysit on Boxing Day).

Please don't cancel the holiday in September. If you do, you will be the one cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Mermaidspam · 12/08/2010 23:32

Clearly going against the majority here but YANBU.

It's one night and it's her grandchildren.

There seems to be a trend on Mumsnet at the mo that if grandparents are mentioned all and sundry come out of the woodwork to inform the OP that grandparents have no responsibility to their grandchildren.

Well, bollocks to that.

I would think badly of any man or woman that didn't want to see or take care of their grandchildren at least once a year. (Yes, there are exceptions e.g. health issues, living arrangements, etc, etc.)

ZacharyQuack · 12/08/2010 23:50

YABU. If the dog is getting old, it can cause extra work for the owners. She may be concerned about the children stressing the dog, and the dog reacting.

A toddler and a baby are a lot more work than a toddler alone - I'd be daunted.

You are not entitled to free childcare. You asked, she answered. Leave it alone.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 12/08/2010 23:54

Would it not be a reasonable compromise to go to the races and pick the children up from their grandparents' at a sensible time?

Having two small children overnight is a huge thing to ask, and if they don't feel they can cope, then surely it's better they say so, than they agree to have the children and something goes wrong.

And Valhalla is right about the dog issue - safety has to be the primary concern, and if the dog has growled at dc1, then why criticise your MIL for wanting to be cautious and not have both children around the dog? Again - surely better she says that, than the dc go there and one gets hurt by the dog - bad for the dc, bad for the dog (which might end up being put to sleep for biting a child), bad for the grandparents, and bad for the relationship with you.

Is your day out at the races worth all this bad feeling? Sometimes, as a parent, if you can't get childcare, you have to accept that you might not get to do what you want when you want to do it.

paisleyleaf · 12/08/2010 23:56

Mermaidspam, I would imagine most grandparents would like a quiet boxing day after a christmas day with the grandchildren.

Well parents too for that matter - but we can't opt out.

bruffin · 12/08/2010 23:58

At 10 months your baby will be crawling or even walking and into everything.

My Mum could cope with my two but my MIL who is 10 years older would not have been able to cope with both of my two at that age (I have the same age gap)

NonnoMum · 13/08/2010 00:04

Hmm, think maybe YOU would be the one cutting her nose to spite her face here, especially if you cancel the holiday over a Christmas-to-yet-happen childcare arrangement...

mamatomany · 13/08/2010 00:04

This is the trouble with babies everyone wants to coo over them but nobody will look after them ... you should try getting a babysitter for 4 !

Mermaidspam · 13/08/2010 00:06

If only paisleyleaf

True, I didn't consider the time of year in my mini rant there. You're correct.

BootyMum · 13/08/2010 00:06

YABU. My 66 year old mother has the same issue with my SIL who expects her to babysit her two DDs [a 3 yr old and a 10 month old] at her convenience and also in line with her own agenda. Realise that SIL is being a bit thoughtless rather than nasty but is also quite self-centred. Feel that it might be helpful if you tried to get on your MIL's wave length and compromise a little. By the way, your MIL babysitting your children is a favour she may do for you not your right to have.

Dione · 13/08/2010 00:12

YABU to get snitty with your MIL over this. You asked, she said no and gave you her reasons. Respect that and do not let it adversely effect your relationship with the ILs and your DC's relationships with their GPs. They are the closest support you have and you don't want to alienate them.

Things will change. The old dog will soon pass away. Your DS2 will get older and the ILs will form a bond with him and become more capable and confident handling both boys together, but only if you give them the chance. And I think that the upcoming holiday will be an excellent opportunity for that. At the minute I would be accepting any opportunity to meet with them and have time with DS2 while DS1 is being given special time with his GPs (I'm sure that time without his new baby brother is good for him too).

3LegsandNoTail · 13/08/2010 00:22

YABU. To expect anyone to look after two small children just so you can have a day out is unreasonable, no matter who they are. Grandparents are grandparents, not babysitters.

Firawla · 13/08/2010 00:30

YABU its too much to expect from them. Okay to ask i suppose but if they say no then just accept it graciously, you cant get so moody about it. 2 is alot more than 1 to look after, i wouldnt leave my 2 with my mum or my mil tbh as i dont think they would cope. whats the age gaps between mils own children, if they had them spaced out themselves may not even be used to 2 small ones (mine arent so its alot to expect, it could be the same for your mil?)

BUT yanbu about not liking how the mil shows a preference only to ds1 that is not nice, phoning and asking only about him not to see ds2 and yourselves. that is v rude, but still doesnt mean you have a right to dump your kids to go racing on boxing day.

Also yabvu to want to send them with the dog when she told you already he is possibly dangerous to the dc

atswimtwolengths · 13/08/2010 00:35

Bloody hell, I bet she wishes she'd never asked, now!

vInTaGeVioLeT · 13/08/2010 00:54

sorry but i think YABU
it was your choice to have another child you said yourself it is hard work - maybe when ds2 is older she will feel more confident in coping with two small children at once.

my Mum looked after my dd when she was little whilst i worked once a week and occasionally overnight but she has barely looked after ds - i don't take offence at this it is her choice. You can't EXPECT family to look after your children!

gtamom · 13/08/2010 06:38

Yabu. Sorry. Better find yourself someone who can babysit for you from time to time.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 07:07

Sorry, both of your in-laws were invited over, both of your in-laws would be present at the time, both of your in-laws looked after your first child for you.

Why is this a MIL issue only? Where did the FIL go in all of this? What's his opinion about looking after his grandchild, or seeing him?

baskingseals · 13/08/2010 07:19

YANBU

i think life works more smoothly for everyone if there is a bit of give and take.
What about SDTG's suggestion of the day out without staying the night?

Hope you can resolve it, it's not nice feeling that one dc has special treatment from the pils.

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