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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect dh to attend dd's birthday?

84 replies

Goldberry · 12/08/2010 14:48

Ok, please be gentle - thie is my first AIBU. It is dd's 5th birthday later this month. I offered her the choice of a party or a treat. She chose to go to Gulliver's Land (theme park for little ones). Dh and I were quite relieved not to have to organise a party. I've invited both sets of grandparents, who all said they'd come. Some weeks later when I mentioned it again to dh, he announced that he didn't think he'd be coming. He said this is because he thinks it's ridiculous to pay for so many adults (6) to go to a theme park with only 2 children (dd and ds) and that he hates theme parks because they are just out to get your money. He now seems to have persuaded his dad not to go either. I think the two of them are planning to go fishing instead Angry.
I should also point out that a) tickets for Gulliver's Land are only £13.50 b) his parents will probably offer to pay anyway and c) we may not be very well-off at the moment, but he's just been away for a whole stag weekend where he no doubt spent shedloads.
He is normally great with the dc, btw, and spends plenty of time with them, takes them places etc. He knows I'm not happy about this, but the more I think about it, the crosser I get.

OP posts:
ginnybag · 12/08/2010 14:50

YANBU!

He's her father! End of, really, in my eyes!

AnyFucker · 12/08/2010 14:52

how selfish of him !

we all have to endure attend things we don't really want to, for the sake of our kids

I have loads of memories of boring swimming lessons, parties, playdates etc but when you become a parent, that is what you do

ffs...she is only 5 once !!

mamaloco · 12/08/2010 14:53

Shock Sad
YANBU

diddl · 12/08/2010 14:53

Well, I´m kind of with you husband on this tbh.

That´s the sort of thing I would do as a family.

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/08/2010 14:54

Bloody norah the grumpy sod.

Of course he should be there, and not go fricking fishing.

How many times is she going to be 5?

Kick him. Hard.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2010 14:55

diddl ?

the kind of thing you would do "as a family" is to deliberately miss your 5yo dd's birthday celebrations ???

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/08/2010 14:58

Perhaps she means going fishing AF?

Actually, my dd would have wanted to go on a fishing trip as well at that age. Sod that, am not sitting there surrounded by mackerel.

Original poster
Goldberry · 12/08/2010 14:59

diddl - did you mean that we should go as a family, just the 4 of us (i.e. not invite so many adults)? If so, I see what you mean, but both sets of grandparents are pretty doting and usually want to snap up any opportunity to spend time with the dc. I knew they'd want to go (with the possible exception of FIL who loves the kids to bits but isn't a fan of big family occasions).

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 12/08/2010 14:59

Maybe your mistake was inviting the GP's, as it seems he thinks it lets him off the hook

He should bloody well be there end of

ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 15:00

Tell him it is not optional.

It is his Daughters 5th Birthday treat.

I could almost understand it if it was a soft play type thing with all of her class going where she would barely notice (but still wouldn't really think it acceptable), but in this situation.... he & FIL need to suck it up and help her to enjoy the day.

GIT

Lonnie · 12/08/2010 15:01

YANBU Its not about what he likes its about what his daughter likes her birthday treat

TheCrackFox · 12/08/2010 15:03

YANBU

Parenthood sometimes involves doing things you don't like.

YunoYurbubson · 12/08/2010 15:03

What does dd want?

If she wants daddy to be there he must attend. End of.

If she's just excited to be there and doesn't mind either way if he is there, then it is negotiable.

Original poster
Goldberry · 12/08/2010 15:03

Yes, I see what you mean, VinegarTits. I didn't really think of that before I invited them though, as I didn't exactly expect him to try and weasel out. His mum is fairly unimpressed with him about it, and when I told my parents today they were so appalled that it really made me angry about it all over again.

OP posts:
Gibbon · 12/08/2010 15:06
Shock

mouth is hanging open here.

goes without saying YANBU

VinegarTits · 12/08/2010 15:07

its his dd birthday and he is taking it as an oportunity to do something for himself, selfish twat

ask him how he would feel if you left him to take DD to the theme park while you went off shopping with your mother?

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 12/08/2010 15:07

He should be there. Possibly all the grandparents is overkill, but that's nothing to do with the central point that he should be there. He may not like theme parks, but your DD does and has chosen this as her birthday treat. He needs to just suck it up and cope for one day.

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/08/2010 15:08

Go and hide all his fishing floats. And unwind all the catgut from his reels

Original poster
Goldberry · 12/08/2010 15:10

Thanks everyone. I didn't think I was BU. Yuno - I think that would very much depend on how it was put to her. If I told her that daddy didn't want to come to her birthday treat, and that he'd rather go fishing... but of course I can't say that. If she had been told from the beginning that mummy and the grandmothers were taking her, I'm sure she would have been fine with that. I'm not sure how she'll react now, but I'll certainly be interested to see what dh says if she asks him why he's not coming.
Anyway, I rather think that he should bloody well come, whatever she thinks.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/08/2010 15:20

Yes a family thing without GPs.

I think that that´s kind of given him a get out.

But I agree with those asking what does your daughter want?

Here parties are often on the day so that the father misses out due to work, so I´m perhaps not seeing the father being there as the be all and end all.

kickassangel · 12/08/2010 15:21

from a feminist perspective, i hate the idea of the grandmas taking the kids, while the men go & play with their own toys.

i think you have to tell him it's up to him to sit down & explain to dd why he is backing out of her chosen birthday treat, because he prefers fishing.

or say, 'you're right, it's silly paying for all those adults. you have a boy's day out at gullivers, i'll go shopping with the grandmas.'

or get his mum to talk to him

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/08/2010 15:21

I think it is lovely of the OP to invite 2 sets of grandparents along.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 12/08/2010 15:31

I have 4 DC's

My XH never ever ever (and my eldest will be 20 later this month) came to a birthday party of any description for them.

YANBU

Original poster
Goldberry · 12/08/2010 15:32

Thanks GOML Smile. I'm dithering over whether to discuss this with him again and what to say if I do. In a way I'm not sure if I now want to persuade him to come (even if I can)as I'll just spend the whole day thinking he's resenting being there. On the other hand, I do want him to realise that he is being selfish and unreasonable by not coming. At the moment he seems to think I'm being unreasonable, mainly over the cost. I think the money's a complete red herring and it's just that he doesn't fancy going to a theme park and thinks he can get away with it because the grandparents are coming.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/08/2010 15:38

"I think the money's a complete red herring and it's just that he doesn't fancy going to a theme park and thinks he can get away with it because the grandparents are coming."

I think you´re right.

My problem is that I agree with him-it´s something I would get out of if I couldBlush

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