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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect dh to attend dd's birthday?

84 replies

Goldberry · 12/08/2010 14:48

Ok, please be gentle - thie is my first AIBU. It is dd's 5th birthday later this month. I offered her the choice of a party or a treat. She chose to go to Gulliver's Land (theme park for little ones). Dh and I were quite relieved not to have to organise a party. I've invited both sets of grandparents, who all said they'd come. Some weeks later when I mentioned it again to dh, he announced that he didn't think he'd be coming. He said this is because he thinks it's ridiculous to pay for so many adults (6) to go to a theme park with only 2 children (dd and ds) and that he hates theme parks because they are just out to get your money. He now seems to have persuaded his dad not to go either. I think the two of them are planning to go fishing instead Angry.
I should also point out that a) tickets for Gulliver's Land are only £13.50 b) his parents will probably offer to pay anyway and c) we may not be very well-off at the moment, but he's just been away for a whole stag weekend where he no doubt spent shedloads.
He is normally great with the dc, btw, and spends plenty of time with them, takes them places etc. He knows I'm not happy about this, but the more I think about it, the crosser I get.

OP posts:
Squitten · 12/08/2010 17:17

YANBU!

I would be livid if my DH tried to get out of our kids' birthday stuff. Since when was your daughter's birthday about what HE wants to do anyway? It's his child and so he should suck it up and go do whatever inane thing they are into at the time. That's parenthood!

What does it matter how many adults are going?? Your DD had the choice and opted to have her family around her rather than her friends so that's what she should have.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/08/2010 17:21

If he gets out of going he should spend the day doing something useful, like cleaning the house. He shouldn't get to spend a leisurely day doing something he enjoys while you drag 2 children round a theme park all day.

proudnsad · 12/08/2010 17:24

I think I'm with diddl. I think there's an element of hysteria about 'precious' birthdays in general. I mean this bloke's going to be around for present opening, birthday cake etc isn't he ie celebrate with her in other ways.

My dh is wonderful stay at home dad. But he hates theme parks. I often take them to these kind of things with my mum or a friend.

Having said, that I think he'd probably make an exception on a birthday.

Hold on I'll just ask him...

'I don't know' he said looking very nervous and darting into the toilet.

Appletrees · 12/08/2010 17:29

Am finding all the :O a little precious and modern. And who was it suggested sitting down with the child and explaining it? I tbink yhT is a dreadful idea.

She might not noti e. Get him to take jer out the next day, both of yhem, while you have a day to yourself. And if you make a big deal of it with HIM please don't do the ssme with ypur dd. That would be just as mean as you think he is being by not going.

Appletrees · 12/08/2010 17:31

Soooo sorry Bout phone typing.must do better.

diddl · 12/08/2010 17:41

OP-did you ask you husband about inviting all GPs?

I know my husband would be pissed off if he thought it was a family day & then discovered all GPs were invited.

I assume your daughter asked for her GPs to be there?

Original poster
Goldberry · 12/08/2010 17:44

Oh I wouldn't make a big deal of it with dd, Appletrees, although I'm almost hoping she has a strop at him about it so that he gets the guilt trip Blush.
I rather think what I'll do is tell him very calmly that I realise I can't force him to go, but that I'm very unimpressed that he can't be bothered to come to his own daughter's birthday and would rather go fishing (again). Then I will firmly forget about it and and enjoy the day with dd, ds and the grandparents whether he comes or not. I actually feel a bit sorry for FIL, who probably got savaged by MIL when they got home from our house yesterday for agreeing to skive off the birthday with dh.

OP posts:
sanielle · 12/08/2010 17:44

YANBU how will your daughter feel if she isn't even important enough for him to come to her birthday! :(

phoebeophelia · 12/08/2010 17:49

A wiser person than me (yes, that's just about everybody!) said of being a parent....

"If you are enjoying every moment, then you're not doing it right."

YANBU

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 12/08/2010 18:00

if it was just a normal trip, then YWBBU, but as it's her birthday thing he should be there too. simples.

love the quote phoebe!

ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 18:02

It is not ridiculous/daft/pointless etc for the Grandparents to be going as well. The Grandparents ARE family. Why is it so hard to understand that some Grandparents would enjoy seeing their Grandchild enjoy their birthday treat. I tell you something, my Dad would give his right arm to still be here enjoying his Grandkids birthday parties! It is not about needing to be there - it's about wanting to be there!

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 12/08/2010 18:10

totally agree with chippingin. for my DD's 2nd birthday we met my parents in brighton to go to the sealife centre, just because they wanted to come too! in a couple of weeks DS turns one and we're all going to the local Llama Farm :o

they obviously understand when we want to do something just the four of us, but they love doing things with us - we go on holiday together too.

ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 18:16

Really, you have to make the most of the opportunities to make memories - you just never, ever know when it might be the last time. Please don't take it for granted.

jobobpip08 · 12/08/2010 18:27

Ditto chipping I was thinking exactly that. Life is too short. None of us now how long we have. And its only once a year!!! And I think its lovely that GP's want to come and enjoy DD's enjoyment. So there!

Original poster
Goldberry · 12/08/2010 18:47

Ok good. I wasn't quite understanding all the surprise at my inviting both sets of GPs. It's not like I was inviting them for supervision purposes. I know it doesn't take 6 adults to look after 2 children. They want to come. And dh in no way objected about the GP being invited. It wasn't at all that he was wanting a cosy family thing with just the 4 of us. He simply doesn't want to come. And having the GP coming has apparently given him an excuse.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 18:58

Goldberry - you aren't alone though. My friend was having her daughters 3rd birthday party at the local village hall, village nursery kids all invited, new nursery kids all invited, friends, family etc etc Entertainer organised, food for the thousands etc...

I'm stood there putting french plaits into her DD's hair, both girls in party dresses - very excited etc

Friends DH walks past in his 'DIY' gear - friend says, hurry up or we'll be late... he says....'Oh, I don't need to come do I?'

I wont repeat what she said - but he went and changed sharpish!! Grin

I mean WTF, some of the family had come from France for the party!

(It makes it sound over the top, it really wasn't and it was a brilliant day :) )

2rebecca · 12/08/2010 19:04

I could just see all the adults arguing over who gets to go on the ride with little Johnnie etc.

diddl · 12/08/2010 19:42

Well I suppose we all think of our own situations in a case like this.

If you all get on, that´s great.

I can´t imagine anything worse than all GPs together in our case-or our children wanting it!

And I suppose when I was a child GPs bought a card & pressie on the day, but didn´t stay for the party.

Original poster
Goldberry · 12/08/2010 19:59

Wow, ChippingIn. I would have been furious! Yes we all get on really well, diddl. My parents and my PIL even sometimes see each other independently of me and dh. We see both sets of GP quite a lot, and they often come to things with the dc.

OP posts:
cat64 · 12/08/2010 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumbar · 12/08/2010 20:16

YANBU. I totally agree with chippin (again!)

Incidently last year when ds turned 5 we went to gullivers dino land with a friend and her mum (I paid as birthday treat) It is a very cheap day out - depite the petrol to get there.

If thats what dd wants to do then I think inviting gps is great and I know my mum and dad would want to come if I did this with ds.

(we tend to have bbq as me, mum and ds are 15th,17th and 19th Aug!)

I don't think the enough adults to supervise is really a fair argument its meant to be about dd. Nothing precious about that but 5 is a big deal its when they become big dc's who start school.

Hope dd has a fab day btw.

proudnsad · 12/08/2010 20:21

Again I'm with diddl.

Not everyone wants all sets of GPs (I say all because in my case there are millions of step GPs/GPs/Gboyfriends) there.

womblingfree · 12/08/2010 20:33

Last yr dd's birthday fell on the day dh plays cricket and he still played cricket. I was fuming initially, but...
...it meant dd and I got to spend the day with my parents, who dh doesn't get on with. Also although he has frequently not been around for other birthdays as he used to work shifts, he has always been there for her parties even if he's had to do overtime or switch to real pita shift to make the time up. He takes her for a treat in the morning (has even sat through Tinkerbell films!) While I get the party set up.
So I can see your dh's point about not liking theme parks and the cost, but if he's not going to come, perhaps he can stay home and put up some decorations and organise a special birthday tea for when you all get home.

Yadnbu if all he's going to do is sod off fishing for the day.

Onetoomanycornettos · 12/08/2010 20:43

Normally, I'm all for minimising attendance at theme parks. My husband take my two girls for the day, they love it, I stay home and get some work done. Birthdays are a bit different, my husband usually likes to be there to do the 'hosting' bit although sometimes we just have a cake with the grannies (great-gran and gran) without him there in addition to any party. Even if you think it's off, don't say anything to your child, just say 'he's busy'. I think your strategy of leaving it up to him but guilting him into it is probably the best one.

Oldjolyon · 13/08/2010 13:10

Agree that all the grandparents do not have to be there, but the father should be. Whether he wants to or not is irrelevant. He should be there, if that is what his daughter wants.

If there's no way he will change his mind, then I'd certainly not do the dirty work for him - if his daughter is expecting him to be there, then he should be the one to tell her that he is not going! Oh and make sure he does it in front of you, so he does not lie his way out of it! (I've got to work and so on...)

Its amazing how making men take responsibility for their decisions can make them change their minds Grin.