to think mums should help each other?

[celebmum]

My friend just txt me to tell me that she and her 4month old baby were turned away from the bus and left standing in the rain as there was already 2 ladies & babies on the bus...
fair enough but those 2ladies had buggy's with children of a walking, sitting age.. neither of these mothers attepted to collapse their buggies to make room?

the wanker driver just closed the doors on my friend and drove off when she tried to ask if either mother could collapse their buggy.

is it unreasnoble of me to think that as mothers we should support each other? i find it outrageous that neither of the other mothers even offered? is this not just common courtsy, like offering your seat to an old person??

if you happen to be either of those other mums who was on that bus today, i hope you sleep well tonight. sleep well knowing that you left a new mum with her 4month old baby girl, crying with frustration in the rain. for 30mins till the next bus...

rant over....

Z, I don't think that it is just the bus drivers who have a schedule to keep to. I have a schedule to keep to - there is one bus an hour and it connects to the train time. If the bus is held up I miss my train and get to work half an hour late, or on the way back I may miss picking DD up from childcare on time.

There is a bit of leeway in the timing and that is great for people with disabilities and the elderly. But being a parent is not in itself a disability. I am happy to help mothers to fold their pushchairs at the stop or to help their older children on to the bus. What I think is selfish is people who do not fold, then when the bus arrives and there is no room for their pushchair, then have to start folding, unloading shopping from the basket etc, or have a dispute with the bus driver about how they shouldn't have to fold. Clearly they do not consider their own time or journey time to be that valuable, so I am not sure why they then mind if they are left at the bus stop to wait a bit longer - they were quite happy to keep a whole bus load of people waiting.

It is a bus - people rely on it to get to work, or to doctor's appointment or to pick their kids up, or to get to school on time, or to get home on time. You have to share transport with other people - being helpful is a two way street. Taking ages to get on and off simply because you are disorganised or want an easier life is not being helpful to others.

I am just grateful that at least on the trains where I live you are not allowed get on a train with an unfolded non-disabled buggy or put your dog/pushchair/trombone in the disabled space under any circumstances.

not everyone can fold before getting on though...I can't fold with DD off bus as she runs away (has ASD)..I didn't know I piss people off for not folding before getting on bus as well as not folding for babies.

Off to get four buses again with DD so don't have to take buggy - was trying to decide which to do but its such a minefield it's easier not to take the buggy (although it shouldn't be).

Riven - no but the point is they can't immediately SEE she is disabled so I get all the judging, even though I know it's unjustified it still makes me really really selfconscious that it happens, especially after reading threads like this...to the extent that it's easier for me to lug DD on and off 4-5 buses than use the buggy.

Am just mentally scarred by all the threads about big children in buggies on here and all the buggies on bus threads here and comments in local paper where there was a bit of an issue about it recently and lots of articles.

Yes I need to get braver. It's awful that people still don't fold for you.

I experienced something like that..a couple had a toddler on the bus and I had to fold and sit with DD, who was flapping around and falling on floor etc. They got the toddler out of buggy but left it unfolded in buggy space..the man kept looking at DD, embarrassed and saying "we should get off here" and the woman said "No".

I should have asked them to fold it of course, but she was scary.

I tripped getting off bus as I was trying to carry DD and buggy.

hehe must try that one!!

Fanjo

I don't know ifthis would strike you as a crap idea , but have you thought about making up some cards?
When DS2 was in the middle of his full on nightmare stage, it looked to the world like he was just a really terrible child - his problems were not apparent.
I kind of put up with it until I saw how badly the negative comments etc were affecting DS1.
We sat down and made up our own cards - some for me , some for DS1.
DS1 gave them out quite a lot, I gave mine out rarely. But having them in my pocket made me feel less helpless.
The NAS do them but I find them a bit crusty. Ours were more " this boy has autism. It means he can find some situations incredibly difficult but we are doing all we can to keep him settled and to avoid disturbing others. " or something like that.
DS1 wrote his own and they were vicious ( he was 6) including things like " try to realise he is just a nice little boy doing his best" and " try to remember your manners and don't stare"

That might be a good idea.

DH is reluctant for me to use badges etc as DD is still not DXed, although it's a formality as we were told she "presents as having an ASC", so the cards would be relevant.

Or maybe a big t-shirt for me...DD was humming/singing yesterday on bus and I looked down the bus and was met with a sea of cats'-bum faces..and one guy moved away!

my DD makes those noises too, she cannot speak and has slurred speech..I am the shyest person on earth too, perhaps not for long, DD will bring me out of my shell

Can I bore you with a story ...
We went on the train on Wed, me Ds2 and DD.

We squeezed into some seats slightly away from each other on a full train. DS2 couldn't get a window seat and got quite upset. He was being quite noisy and ratherthan helpfully saying 'would you like to swop seats so that you can sit together' the other people decided that staring with their mouths agape was the best way to help

DD then started talking to me and we had to do so loudly because we were not next to each other IYSWIM.
So we had this convos

DD "i wish DS2 wouldn't make noises"
Me " I know honey but we have talked about why he does it. His autism makes these things hard
DD" but sometimes I feel angry"
Me " can you think why you get angry
DD" because he is supposed to be quiet and when he is noisy everyone stares"
Me " but DS2 can't help being noisy. Maybe you are being angry at him because of what other people are doing?
DD But they don't know he has autism, is that why they stare?
Me " well, if you see someone who has trouble walking but you don't know why, do you stare?"
DD no . Because that is very rude and would hurt their feeling.."
Me "sooo...."
DD so all the people staring are just very rude and are not being very nice? Even the grown ups?
Me " I think that is it. If people who are grown up enough to know better are still staring, I think you just have to accept that they are very rude and have not been brought up very well. And you have to choose as you grow up that everyone will treat you differently - you can't make everyone be polite. So perhaps you just have to chose to ignore the rude ones..?.

DD " that makes sense. Can I have my croissant now..."

I snuck a look around and saw about ten totally crimson faces.

It was quite satisfying

That is great!

Closest I have got is saying "DD, that is a very rude man, he doesn't know you have autism and can't help making a noise" when some man told her to "shut up child" on the bus.

Maybe between us all we can teach everyone not to judge! (have only taught a couple on bus so far but there is time!)

pagwatch :-)

I think the thing is with AIBU is that we can call come on here and articulate our own situations - some of which may be somewhat selfish and some of which are not.

But in real life, most people (in my experience) give people the benefit of the doubt. So if I see someone taking seats, or shouting, or even not folding a pushchair and having an argument with the bus driver, I don't think they are simply being selfish. I think, maybe they have PND, or a disability, or their brother just died, or have just lost their job, or all of the above. Maybe they are just having a really bad day. If we didn't give people the benefit of the doubt, real life would be like AIBU and that would be unpleasant.

So we can moan ourselves on AIBU, and listen to other people moan, and that is an outlet. It doesn't mean we should make assumptions about why people are behaving a certain way in real life.

I will happily fold my buggy down to let other mums on. My DS is three so I do not have priority, I know this. Must say that our bus company don't make it easy for us, though. They seem to have completely got rid of the luggage racks on buses so I then have to sit with the folded buggy between my legs, in a normal seat, getting a face full of metal every time the driver brakes without warning!

Having said this, I choose not to drive so I can't travel in the comfort that I'd like. if I wasn't so pathetic about learning to drive, I wouldn't have to tolerate such shite :)

MillyR - we need all people on buses to be like you.

I have been looking at those "wait for me to sit down" cards, and I can't decide if I deserve one or not.

I have SPD and two small children. I have them in an old carrycot style pram because that is the only one I can afford (because they happened to have it in the charity shop) that will fit them both in. It isn't a double, I did have one, but it was too big for buses and often DD1 doesn't need the pram these days anyway.

My SPD means that if the bus sets off before I have pram parked and sat down and my hips get jolted, I will be agony the rest of the day. However, if I don't get jolted and am having a good day (which is most days, tbh) I am completely fine, so I don't like to make a big deal. BUT if I do get jolted, that means the day will be a bad day if that makes sense.

If I have to fold the pram, I get someone to meet me at the other end if at all possible to help with unloading. I tend to wait for the next bus though as it is very difficult to get pram, toddler (who falls asleep or over constantly but I suppose I should just be stricter or something) and baby on to a bus, never mind if I have been so unreasonable as to do some shopping.

On a really good day, I do sling and make the toddler walk, but sometimes that is impossible.

I get glared at when the bus stops as I ring the bell and wait for it to stop before moving the pram.

SO...card or no card?

Get a card.

yes, get a card, it's far less hassle for the driver to merely wait a minute than it is for you to be jolted and in agony.

My back is similar, if they don't lower the step of the bus nearer the kerb and i bump the buggy down I can hurt for DAYS.

I always wait for the bus to stop entirely before I move. Some days I can manage to stand up and be ready to move once its stopped but some days that is just not possible.

Whilst we're on the subject of buses... Some rude bint was getting off as I was waiting to get on today, and had the cheek to look me up and down (was leaning on my stick) and say, "And what exactly have you done to yourself to need that?" God I wish my responses were quicker. I told her the truth, whereas I wish I could have told her to get her nose out, or something creative... "Ah, it got busted in a drugs raid. Still, am back in business now!"

first on bus get first dibs on the place.tough titty she was unlucky so wait for next bus like everyone else.