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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very mad at finding my dd crying at nursery...

120 replies

EvieBear · 10/08/2010 20:38

... while the team leader sat about two metres from her, cross-legged, just staring back at her?

I am so mad. I went to collect 13months DD today at nursery, and walked in to find a peaceful room apart from my dd who was sobbing her heart out kneeling in the room. She was facing the team leader of the room, who was sitting about 2 metres from her, cross-legged, staring back at my dd. I couldn't believe it!!! She was the only staff member in the room of maybe 6 children which is strange too. All other children were happily playing, it wasn't like she was torn between a few disasters happening at once, so WHY didn't she try to soothe my very upset child? I'm disgusted someone in childcare could just sit there staring at her crying. I've had issues with this woman before, she's is defintiely not the warmest.
She proceeded to tell me my daughter had been upset for a good while, and when I got her home I noticed a nice black bruise under her chin.

Please tell me how your nurseries deal with this kind of thing. Am I from another planet because I feel that this was totally cruel? I don't know how to go about it.

OP posts:

mrsjuan · 12/08/2010 12:36

This is awful awful awful - I would not be taking her back at all. The only time I have ever picked my 15 month old DD up crying at Nursery she was being cuddled and carried around by one of the carers who told me exactly why and how long she had been crying for.

She often gets picked up for cuddles - the Nursery workers are even quicker to respond to crying than I am and they often stay late to ensure that the ratios are adhered to (e.g. if a parent is late to pick their child up).

This is not a normal set up for a Nursery Evie

FoghornLeghorn · 12/08/2010 12:45

:( Your poor DD and poor you.

I'm not very good at handling situation like this either Evie, I find I either completely over-react or don't do enough and end up kicking myself afterwards.

I agree, get her out and get her in somewhere else. Is there a friend or family member that could help out in the short term ? I wouldn't feel comfortable sending her for 1 minute longer

Megatron · 12/08/2010 13:16

Only read the OP. I'm a nursery nurse and cannot understand what this woman was thinking. If I were in your position I would immediately remove my DD from there and complain about this, that is completely unacceptable. What a horrid thing for you to walk in to and your poor little DD, you've every right to be angry.

Megatron · 12/08/2010 13:17

Oh and I'd be asking about their ratios too!

daisyj · 12/08/2010 13:25

I know I'm only saying what the others have said, but get your child out of there. At my 16 mo dd's nursery a crying child never goes uncomforted - and there are never fewer than 1:3 carers in the room.

It's irrelevant that she had been upset on and off all day. As mrsjuan says, at dd's nursery someone will literarlly be holding or carrying a child around as long as they need it, all day or for five minutes. I've observed them with dd and the other children, and there are no exceptions to this that I have seen. This is how a nursery should be run.

She has never had an unexplained bruise, either. I always get a call if she's hurt herself, and if she's upset all day they would call me, too.

daisyj · 12/08/2010 13:27

Evie, just seen your post about not picking up the babies .

Horton · 12/08/2010 13:53

Really shocked by this, and not picking up the babies is just plain neglect IMO. When my DD was three and a bit and having trouble settling into nursery I regularly arrived to pick her up and found her being carried about by one of the staff and cuddled - she wasn't even crying, she just felt sad so they responded to her needs. This is just basic stuff that babies and young children really need. I'd be looking for another nursery asap and also making a formal complaint.

Original poster

EvieBear · 12/08/2010 16:01

I'm so glad to hear that nurseries are supposed to be caring environments. I just had it in my head this was the kind of place all creches are like...

I am still awaiting a call from the manager today, after my call to her yesterday. Nothing so far so have emailed her to request a face-to-face meeting to discuss it with me and my dp. Hopefully will get a response soon as would be nice to feel they are taking it seriously.

I'm glad to hear from those of you who work in nurseries and to hear that you do lift up children. Will have to query that one!!! It's bizarre, and from day 1 I have had the feeling that all staff (apart from one woman) don't make the effort to bond with the children at all. Of course, being a wally you think you are being over-sensitive blah blah blah... and tell yourself to stop thinking that way etc. But no, I must trust myself on this, and if I see that stupid team leader again and she is her usual moody self, it will be hard to hold back and not tell her exactly what I think.

Unfortunately our families live abroad so no help there and the friends we have are either working or all busy with their own kids......

I resent being put in this position, especially when paying nearly £60 per day for this 'service'. Grrrrrrrr.....

OP posts:

hatwoman · 12/08/2010 16:15

eviebear - I clicked on your thread with an expectation of finding an overly precious mum who thought a busy nursery worker should drop anything/everything else (including seeing to other dds and dss) the second your dd's lip trembled. I was so wrong. you have eloquently outlined 3 pretty basic issues: poor ratios; lack of comforting/being remotely attuned to a baby's needs; total lack of accident reporting. and, on top of that, the manager appears to be clueless. I'm a laid back parent and fully realise just how hassly arranging child-care is but you are so not bu and I'd so be looking for another nursery.

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 12/08/2010 16:34

Have you removed her from the nursery OP?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 12/08/2010 16:42

How on earth did this nursery get through Ofsed

Rhian82 · 12/08/2010 17:00

Just to add my voices to the others about nurseries: they can be amazing caring places. At DS's they pick up, cuddle and truly interact, play and bond with the children. He brightens up when he sees his favourite workers and in the mornings when we say "Do you want to go to nursery?" he always says "yes!" and runs to his buggy.

Young children really need that bonding and physical contact, and being looked after by people who really do love playing with kids. I feel very lucky we have a nursery like that for DS.

I'd be looking for a new nursery and raising concerns with Ofsted, if I were you.

dilemma456 · 12/08/2010 20:33

Please change nursery OP.

I had issues with DDs first nursery who were wonderful at first. Even later on they were caring and obviously doing lots of things with the children but their ratios were often out, the TV seemed to be more on than off and in the last few weeks she was there she was moved to a room where my gut feeling was it was all wrong and she seemed unhappy.

I moved her, she thrived, loved every minute, were fantastic with her and she couldn't wait to get there in the morning. She went from being quite withdrawn and not really wanting to go to nursery to waking me up demanding to go in early then not wanting to leave in the evening

I don't regret the change one iota

dilemma456 · 12/08/2010 20:36

PS in the case of both nurseries they'd have recorded an accident in the book, provided treatment and would have ensured that there were plenty of cuddles. Whatever the shortcomings of the first I never saw them leaving a child to cry and I often found them sitting on the managers lap for a cuddle

RunningOutOfIdeas · 12/08/2010 22:57

The managers explanation is appalling .
When I pick DD up from nursery, it is really common for the member of staff answering the door to be carrying a child. I also often see staff sitting with a child on their lap or cuddled up close to them. Each room has toilets / nappy changing area directly off the room, so the ratio is not affected.
As others have written, if my DD has been particularly upset the manager has taken her into her office.

I really hope you can find some alternative arrangement for your DD soon.

TiggyD · 12/08/2010 23:15

If you can't pick a child up, lower yourself to the floor and then cuddle them.

There are a lot of poor nurseries out there. A lot of nurseries employ poor staff because that's all they can get for £12,000 a year. You only have to be good for a day every 4 years to get an Ofsted grade.

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/08/2010 23:20

I have heard terrible stories about nursries(my friend has worked in a few) it would make you shudder some people really shouldn't work with children

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/08/2010 23:21

nurseries

CakeandRoses · 13/08/2010 12:11

There are bad nurseries, just as there are bad CM, nannies - and parents!

You have to be guided by recommendation, gut instinct and seeing how your child feels about it too.

There are brilliant nurseries around, honestly!

DS adores his nursery and many of the staff. On nursery days (he goes twice a week), I tell him he's going to nursery and he gets excited and starts listing the names of his best friend there and the staff he's closest to.

The staff (including the owner who is only there part of the week) seem to know DS and his likes/dislikes so well and often tell me funny stories about something he's done that day.

He has a special diet and on 'cake' days his key worker will go and buy him something special to eat. She also buys him treats all the time - he's far more spoilt there than he is at home!

They take a real pride in his little successes - his 'report' book is jam packed with lovely photos of him smiling his head off and bits of painting, drawing etc. My step-mother (who used to run nurseries so knows about this stuff) looked thru it recently and was impressed by the effort they'd put into the book and said it was obvious that his key-worker took real pride in DS's development.

biddlek · 13/08/2010 13:17

I just want to echo that there are some fantastic nurseries. I have recently left the UK for Australia, and DH's NNs came to our leaving party and cried when they left. They even did him a leaving book and photo (and a "signed" vest from all his friends!) They still email me now and were genuinely attached to him.

All accidents were reported with "cuddles and cold compress" being the usual treatment and when he went through a clingy stage they often missed their afternoon break because he wouldn't be looked after by another NN. We were in the North West and the nursery was public sector subsidised.

I hope you manage to sort this out, but if you have any doubts go with your gut instinct. x

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