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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very mad at finding my dd crying at nursery...

120 replies

EvieBear · 10/08/2010 20:38

... while the team leader sat about two metres from her, cross-legged, just staring back at her?

I am so mad. I went to collect 13months DD today at nursery, and walked in to find a peaceful room apart from my dd who was sobbing her heart out kneeling in the room. She was facing the team leader of the room, who was sitting about 2 metres from her, cross-legged, staring back at my dd. I couldn't believe it!!! She was the only staff member in the room of maybe 6 children which is strange too. All other children were happily playing, it wasn't like she was torn between a few disasters happening at once, so WHY didn't she try to soothe my very upset child? I'm disgusted someone in childcare could just sit there staring at her crying. I've had issues with this woman before, she's is defintiely not the warmest.
She proceeded to tell me my daughter had been upset for a good while, and when I got her home I noticed a nice black bruise under her chin.

Please tell me how your nurseries deal with this kind of thing. Am I from another planet because I feel that this was totally cruel? I don't know how to go about it.

OP posts:

PaulineCampbellJones · 10/08/2010 21:03

The bruise and lack of an accident form is very worrying. My DD rolled off the carpet onto the hard floor recently and banged her head. No bruise or anything but they still called me and gave me a copy of the form. Hope you get it sorted.

Casmama · 10/08/2010 21:04

My ds is at nursery fulltime and on one day he had hurt his face and had a tiny small red mark - I got an explanation for the mark and was asked to sign a form to confirm that it had been discussed with me.
This is utterly unacceptable and i would complain to the manager - also question staff child ratios. If you are not fully satisfied with the explanation or course of action the manager is taking then complain to the Care Commission.

Raejj · 10/08/2010 21:04

Ask tomorrow what happened and demand to see log / policies. Doesn't feel right to me, ESP if you say she's usually a good wee child and bawling her eyes out.

autodidact · 10/08/2010 21:04

Agree thisisyesterday. ANd I think it's actually stretching it to call a 13 month old a child rather than a baby, which makes it even worse. My childminder calls me if my baby is unusually upset.

Spacehopper5 · 10/08/2010 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cupcakesandbunting · 10/08/2010 21:05

I was ready to say YABU too but;

DD is a baby.

She possibly hurt herself.

Again, DD is a baby. FGS, silly nursery cow woman needs a ticking off. I would not be happy to send my child back into her care.

chegggersplayspop · 10/08/2010 21:06

The ratios sound too high, they should have a system to cover even if one if them needs to pop out of the room to change a nappy or something.

Our nursery would call me at work if my ds was unhappy or unsettled throughout the day so I could decide whether he needed picking up early.

I would be unhappy with the lack of cuddles and and warmth as well.

Gut feeling is very important. I would speak to the manager if I was you about your concerns and consider moving.

Casmama · 10/08/2010 21:07

X-posts. OP don't feel bad, better to take some time to reflect and then stand up for your daughter in the most sensible way rather than going off half-cocked. Losing your temper at the time would not have achieved anything - speaking to the manager tomorrow is a better course of action.

Wholelottalove · 10/08/2010 21:08

How awful for you and your DD. I think you need to have a talk with the nursery manager and establish what was going on. You're certainly not being oversensitive; I would be horrified if I arrived to pick DD up from nursery to be confronted with a scene like this.

I would write down exactly what you need to get answers about: why was she upset, did they make an effort to find out, where did the bruise come from, why weren't you told/not recorded as accident, why didn't the team leader comfort her, why was there only one staff member in the room etc. And make sure you or your DP get the answers to all these questions.

As you say there have been issues with this woman before, I would seriously consider thinking about changing your childcare if you don't get a satisfactory response. Is your DD generally happy and settled there?

autodidact · 10/08/2010 21:08

x post habbibu re baby not child.

Evie- don't feel bad about not challenging her on the spot. SOunds like you were too shocked. Complain to the rooftops tomorrow and start exploring other options too. Was there an acceptable adult child ratio btw? I thought under 2s needed 1 adult per 3 babies but maybe I'm misremembering?

SloanyPony · 10/08/2010 21:10

Dont feel bad for not sticking up for her - but remember, there is nothing wrong with clearing up things there and then - you can use a very calm and unemotional voice, and simply ask "oh, is there any reason why you are unable to comfort her?" and if she doesn't answer or answers with a question or answers a question you didn't ask, you just gently move back to the question "sorry, you didn't say why it was you didn't pick her up?"

All perfectly reasonable stuff for future (but hopefully not, if that makes sense!)

Its always much better if you end up complaining about something if you have a conversation about it there and then.

Correct me if I am wrong but are there not supposed to be 2 members of staff at all times? Ratios aside? Anyone know? I just remember my friend saying that when she is late to pick up and they are actually past closing time, 2 members of staff have to stay with the child until she arrives...

BusyMissIzzy · 10/08/2010 21:11

I agree, you would hope that the type of person to work in a nursery would also be the type of person who would instinctively comfort an upset child. That she just sat watching her is unsettling, to say the least.

Habbibu · 10/08/2010 21:11

Yes, we had a 1-3 ratio in dd's nursery when she was 13mo.

arses · 10/08/2010 21:12

Chilling.. I would be removing her. Did she offer any explanation off her own bat, seem a bit ruffled to have been caught not responding?

prozacfairy · 10/08/2010 21:13

Did this woman even mention the bruise? If not, then that means she didn't even bother to try to find out why your DD was so upset- totally unacceptable imo. As for sitting there impassively watching a baby cry like that, why torment the poor little thing further when she was clearly already upset?

I'd be looking for another nursery too as well as making a serious complaint about it all: The team leader, the staff to child ratio and the fact that a noticable bruise went apparently unnoticed by staff. You have to wonder why it was mentioned don't you?

MistyB · 10/08/2010 21:18

Don't feel bad about how you react. My eldest is 6 and I still cry if I talk about anything (even the tiniest thing!!) that upsets him, even with advanced preparation and practising what I'm going to say. She is your baby and you are programmed to feel protective - it's your job!!

StarExpat · 10/08/2010 21:24

Don't bring her back there. and :( for poor you and DD.

Carmel206 · 10/08/2010 21:26

I would complain formally ( in writing ) just to make sure that the manager is aware of your concern and that they really deal with the issue. I don't know if you have other options nursery options but I would not be going back. In fact you have reminded me of the reason I took my ds out of nursery quite some time ago and why I decided to opt for a nanny when ds 2 came along. Is there a good childminder or maybe soemone who might like a nanny share with you as an alternative.

Tee2072 · 10/08/2010 21:26

First of all, the ration in the baby room should be 1 to 3. If there were 6 babies and only one worker? I'd get my child out of their ASAP and make a formal complaint to OFSTED, even if there wasn't the bruise to contend with.

I have often gone to pick up my son to find out that he's been crying off and on all day, he's having a hard time settling, but I also am confident that when he does cry, someone tries to comfort him. I've actually seen him push them away!

But if that's what happened, then the worker should have told you.

Sounds like a horrible nursery.

TiggyD · 10/08/2010 21:27

Ratios - Not good.
Bruise not reported - Not good.
Ignoring small child who's crying? You do only see a snapshot of what's going on in a nursery when you walk in. Maybe she was feeling utterly pissed off at being left with 6 children on her own. - Not good.

Talk to manager. Maybe the member of staff is on the way out already. I'd start looking for other nurseries as well.

CakeandRoses · 10/08/2010 21:28

Poor you and DD

If you're happy with the nursery and the rest of the staff then perhaps complain to the manager and Ofsted and ask for a change in key worker (if that's possible). If you're not that happy with the place generally then find a new nursery.

My (v clumsy) DS has a had a couple of minor accidents at nursery, neither of which resulted in any marks or bruises but they still let me know about it and did an accident report, stating treatment was 'cuddles and cold compress'.

A couple of times when I've gone to collect him, he'd been crying (e.g. cos of teething pain) and was being cuddled by one of the staff. I would have been very upset and angry to see him crying, uncomforted.

Once, when he was very grizzly (which isn't like him), the manager called me and asked if I'd like to collect him if he hadn't calmed down in a while (he did). I was pleased to know that they'd inform me if he was very upset.

spiderlight · 10/08/2010 21:34

I'd definitely be very, very unhappy. Our nursery even informed me and filled in a from when DS made his nose bleed by picking it! There's no excuse for an unexplained bruise, nor for leaving a distressed child un-comforted :(

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 10/08/2010 21:34

OP - this is the third time you have posted about the standard of care your DD has received in this nursery in the past few months. What are you waiting for?

SloanyPony · 10/08/2010 21:35

Just to give you a benchmark to any excuses they might come up with, the nursery my child attends is so strict on ratios that one day I stood at the front door after ringing the doorbell for what felt like a full 5 minutes. What it was, was the manager was stuck on the phone, and the girls in the room my son is in (which is the one right next to the front door) were at full capacity from a ratios point of view and therefore wouldn't leave the room for the 2 seconds it would have taken to open the door (which was fine by me)

When I walked in the room there looked to be plenty of them, but the new nursery girl's CRB check hadn't come back yet, so they wouldn't leave her alone even for a second.

So they left me waiting, but instead were very apologetic, laying it on thick about how the children come first etc (which they do).

That is how a Outstandingly rated (by Ofsted) nursery "behaves" with regards to ratios. There are no "excuses", just procedures, and they are followed, end of.

boiledegg1 · 10/08/2010 21:36

How awful, please go with your gut instinct - if you aren't happy with the nursery then do try to find an alternative, and don't feel bad that you didn't tackle the woman there and then. I am sure I would have reacted similarly to you.

I would go in and talk to the manager. Keep it factual and see what they say. If you aren't happy with their explanation, maybe you could complain to OFSTED? Even if you stop using the nursery, it might help the other children get better care if you complain.

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