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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if people really want to see DD they should fit in with her routine

83 replies

PDog · 10/08/2010 14:07

Dad rang last night to invite us to 'family' bbq on bank holiday Monday. I explained that we are coming back for the weekend (is 2 hour drive)but were going to head back on Monday morning as have things to sort out. Said we could stay for the bbq but would need to leave at 3pm to get back in time to do tea for DD before bed. He ummed and arred and then said well he could do the food earlier in a way that made it sound like a massive inconvenience. Then went on to say it would be a shame if we can't make it.

We are already staying over 2 nights and can't stay a third as DH has work on the Tuesday and DD has her first introductory session at nursery. Plus I don't really want to as then our whole weekend is taken up fitting with other people, rather than doing what suits us.

Last time we were there some comments were made about how they had hardly seen DD and we shouldn't leave it so long next time. I just feel that if he is so bothered about seeing her it wouldn't be such a big deal to do the BBQ earlier or have it on the Sunday.

I am not a GF fan btw so don't have a militant routine, just rough times for meals and a set bath/bed routine. DD is 8mo.

OP posts:

lynnexxxo · 10/08/2010 14:15

Could you not stay and have the bbq for dinner then put your LO in her pjs so she feel asleep in the car and when you get home just transfer her to bed?

That would save you making tea and please your relatives - possibly a win win situation?

everythingiseverything · 10/08/2010 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 10/08/2010 14:16

YABVU

Just give her tea earlier!

QueenofAllWildThings · 10/08/2010 14:19

I know it feels like a big deal now, and you're in a routine and like to stick to it, but one night won't make any difference. Trust me, when she's 10 it will seem SO insignificant. I agree, give her her tea there, bung her in her sleepsuit and let her sleep in the car.

Megatron · 10/08/2010 14:20

Sorry but YABU. Routines are great but surely with a bit of flexibility on occasion? Why can't you hang on for a bit, give her something to eat then put her in her pj's before you leave. I've never understood why some expect everyone to work round them because they've had a baby. i don't see what the issue is.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 10/08/2010 14:21

I can't see what your problem is?

She will sleep for the two hour drive anyway, so will be a bugger to get back to sleep to fit with your routine surely? Go to the bbq stay a bit later, you can put her straight to bed when you get in.

But it seems you just dont want to go and trying to find an excuse. I use my kids for this too

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 10/08/2010 14:21

I hadn't even clocked she was as young as 8mo!

There is no way I, or my older children, would have survived if I'd had to stick to that sort of routine every single day for each of my babies!

Seriously, she will not come to any harm from you doing something different sometimes - in fact I think it's good for babies to get used to being more adaptable.

weegiemum · 10/08/2010 14:21

I agree with what the others have said.

We live a good drive from my parents and even now (mine are all at school) we will stay till bedtime, put them in their jammies, clean teeth, say goodbye and drive home. Ds and dd2 sleep in the car, dd1 is a bit old for that now so she listens to audiobooks or music.

Time with GPs is really important as well as "doing what suits us". And 8mo is a really flexible time, IIRC, I'd make the most of it!

BlingLoving · 10/08/2010 14:22

YABabitU. I understand your desire to keep to a routine, but you're asking your whole family to adapt their plans to fit with a baby? She is the most important thing in your life, but she's just one member of the family to them.

Morloth · 10/08/2010 14:22

muddleduck · 10/08/2010 14:23

YABU

mnistooaddictive · 10/08/2010 14:24

YANBU. I know that feeling. If you leave it too late to travel back, she will sleep in the car and then won't go to bed at normal time meaning you all have a late night when you really don't need it after being away all weekend and her trial at nursery etc.

I believe that the way you behave in the first year of having children will set expectations. It is reasonale for you to compromise sometimes but others also need to accept a need to compromise. Yopu have already compromised by agreeing to stay on for the day when you had planned to leave in the morning. Don't feel guilty.

You could stay and travel back late but then again you have the late night and no time to sort stuff out. If they are that desperate to see you all they can come to you a couple of weeks later.

diddl · 10/08/2010 14:24

If you are going to them & they have organised something then you fit to them.

Actually if you have to leave with an 8month old-who I would think can eat & sleep anywhere, then I think you are fairly "militant" tbh.

SeaTrek · 10/08/2010 14:24

YABU and a bit precious. I'm not saying that I wasn't like that when my son was that age though!

OrmRenewed · 10/08/2010 14:24

Routines are like rules. There to be broken.

pumperspumpkin · 10/08/2010 14:25

Sounds to me like you have made the basic, but understandable, mistake of not saying "but we don't want to" first off and sticking to it rather than using mealtimes as an excuse which can easily be overturned (as everyone else says, it's very easy just to stay a bit later and then drive home at 7pm or something).

You are however being perfectly reasonable not to want to get back home at 9pm at night after a whole weekend away and feel you've lost your bank holiday weekend and not done what you wanted to.

yama · 10/08/2010 14:28

YANBU - my parents fit our visits around us. They are happy to - more than happy to.

Leave when you want to, you are the ones doing the 2 hour drive.

Toughasoldboots · 10/08/2010 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 10/08/2010 14:32

On the other hand I hate eating at 3pm and a barbeque at 3 may mean you don't start eating until 4 or 5, so finish at 6 or 7 then have drive back and stuff to get ready for work the next day.
Barbeque at 1 would make more sense.
I'd just say "dad, 3pm isn't a meal time, why can't we have the bbq at lunch time as I've got alot of stuff to sort out when I get home. It might be raining anyway.
If you'd planned to leave after lunch then I'd feel the strangely timed bbq was an attempt to make us stay for longer.
Your baby's routine here is not as relevent as what time you and your husband want to get home.
If it was a non barbeque meal I wouldn't expect to be having lunch at 3 so I don't see why it's OK because it's a barbeque.
If I had relatives staying who wanted to return home in the afternoon I wouldn't decide to have an extra late lunch that day.

Lulumaam · 10/08/2010 14:33

I think the best thing about young babies esp under 12 mths is that you can pretty much take them anywhere and do anything with them, and can plonk them down to sleep or pass them round willing hands whilst you chat and socialise and eat ...

you shyould have said, we can't stay too late as we have a 2 hour drive and we have work and nursery sessions and need ot be home and settled not too late on monday

i think that you aer being a bit militant if you are making the 2 hour drive to get back for tea and bed when it can be done at your parents' house and she will then sleep in the car and be put in her cot , still asleep, at home !

LibertyGibbet · 10/08/2010 14:33

You do what you want. Little unfair to expect other people to change their plans (and everybody else's as a consequence) to fit around your baby.

Honestly, when you look back at your child's early years- that pass with the blink of an eye btw- what you remember is the precious moments, the interactions and the joy of sharing your child with a family that loves her. You don't get misty-eyed over a non-negotiable routine and scheduled baths.

MmeLindt · 10/08/2010 14:34

YABU, sorry.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 10/08/2010 14:36

YABU

gingerkirsty · 10/08/2010 14:43

YANBU if your DD is anything like mine - she is not the best sleeper and I would never attempt to move her mid-sleep so the idea that she could sleep in the car would be a non starter for me - I am almost certain it would result in a terrible night for all of us.

As OP says, her DH has to work and DD is starting nursery the next day, for which a good night's sleep would be a big help!

Considering the OP and family had already arranged to stay for the Sat and Sun, why did her DF arrange the BBQ for the monday rather than one of those two perfectly good days?

"Last time we were there some comments were made about how they had hardly seen DD and we shouldn't leave it so long next time." - have they not thought to come and visit you ???

tanmu82 · 10/08/2010 14:45

I agree with LibertyG YABVVU. sorry

but better you do what you want than resent your family

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