to think if people really want to see DD they should fit in with her routine

[PDog]

Dad rang last night to invite us to 'family' bbq on bank holiday Monday. I explained that we are coming back for the weekend (is 2 hour drive)but were going to head back on Monday morning as have things to sort out. Said we could stay for the bbq but would need to leave at 3pm to get back in time to do tea for DD before bed. He ummed and arred and then said well he could do the food earlier in a way that made it sound like a massive inconvenience. Then went on to say it would be a shame if we can't make it.

We are already staying over 2 nights and can't stay a third as DH has work on the Tuesday and DD has her first introductory session at nursery. Plus I don't really want to as then our whole weekend is taken up fitting with other people, rather than doing what suits us.

Last time we were there some comments were made about how they had hardly seen DD and we shouldn't leave it so long next time. I just feel that if he is so bothered about seeing her it wouldn't be such a big deal to do the BBQ earlier or have it on the Sunday.

I am not a GF fan btw so don't have a militant routine, just rough times for meals and a set bath/bed routine. DD is 8mo.

Routines are good, it makes life easier. However if you are such a slave to it that it makes your life so inflexible then it is a problem.

YABU sorry. I think your dad is quite a Nice Person to not have told you to stop being so precious and relax a bit :).

Well I think if you want to leave Monday morning then you should.

If your father didn´t know that you were going for the weekend when he asked about the BBQ, perhaps he can do it on one of the days that you are there?

If not, I would leave when you intend to, but not give your 8month old the "blame"

I do agree that it can be annoying to be giving up most of a weekend & then people seem to think that since you are there, you might as well give up all of it.

YANBU!!! I completely understand what it feels like. Neither of mine are/ were great sleepers and screwing with the only vague routine we have unleashes chaos! Also having her tired out and unsettled the night before a bit day will set everyone on edge.

I would ask them to move it earlier and tough titty if they don't like it, these things are important to you!

Did I really just type "tough titty"? My god I have turned into my mother...

TBH as others have said this seems to have actually little to do with your DD's routine (she could eat at your DP's and then sleep in the car etc.), and more to do with the fact that you (quite understandably) don't want to get back late on a BH Monday with a busy day ahead of you.

That's fine, say that, but I don't think this needs to be turned into a 'if they want to see DD they should fit into her routine' thing.

I would just say 'actually we're going to leave in the morning as planned', and think no more about it.

FWIW I think the evening of a BH Monday is a slightly inconsiderate time to hold a family BBQ when not everyone lives close by, and when you know family members are there for the weekend and leaving Monday am, but this would be the case with or without DD. The DD's routine is not really the issue here IMO.

D

YANBU - DD is 9mos and, while I'm happy to be flexible if I'm not bothered about the next day being potentially shot, if I had things I wanted to do the next day then I wouldn't want to risk it. Nursery is going to be a big upheaval for both of you so the last thing you want is to both be knackered.

OK, the MN jury has spoken and most think IABU, fair enough. She is my PFB and I am being a bit precious.

In my defence though, DD is a crap sleeper. She does sleep in the car but wakes up when I try to put her in her cot and then takes hours to resettle. Not really what I want the day before she starts nursery.

Maybe I should have titled the thread differently as my dad has a habit of organising things without talking to me or changing things after he has told me. Last time we visited, he said he would be in at certain times so we arranged things around that. He then changed his plans without telling me so I couldn't rearrange ours and he hardly saw DD.

Everyone else lives locally btw and he has only been to visit us twice since DD was born.

YANBU. I think people forget what it is like to travel with your first baby. Wanting to leave at 3pm on a BH Monday when you've been there all weekend is perfectly reasonable. DS would never have transferred at that age and you have got an important day the next day. Get them to come to you next time, that's what I do!

If you don't want to go (for any reason), don't go but you can't expect everyone else to cater to your DD's schedule.

YANBU not wanting to go but YABU to use your DD as a n excuse, when it really seems to be the long drive and work the next day which is the problem.Don't see why it matters if your DD is tired for first day at nursery, she'll just sleep more there

My DD is 12 months and I would want her home and settled before bed as otherwise she'd be awake all night. Not great for new nursery.

Mine wouldn't sleep in car and just go into cot either.

So YANBU to me!

I feel your pain as DS is a terrible sleeper, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and make exceptions to the rules for some circumstances. There have been times when DS has only been getting into his cot at 9pm because we have had to visit family. And yes, its difficult, but the family visits are more important than a bad night.

I think the people saying YABU may not have experienced a child that turns into the devil if things don't go to schedule. I've had one of each, DS2 is really easy going and never slept anywhere anyway, but DS1 was horrific if he didn't get his nap/to bed on time. He could quite literally stay awake for hours and howl like nothing you've ever heard.

Big difference between getting home in good time to get sorted out for the next day and getting a good nights sleep, and getting home at silly o'clock at night and havign to contend with a child that won't sleep and having a rubbish night.

YABU for using the routine as the reason, surely your real reason is that you just want to get home early on the Monday?

I sympathise as my dad is a law unto himself and I also know what a drag it can be to travel miles to see family and then miles back, usually late at the end of a weekend with work, nursery etc the next day.

On the other hand, dcs times with family are so precious they are worth a bit of hassle and disruption.

Also surely best for babies to learn to be a bit flexible every now and then as well as learning about bedtime, meal times, play times etc. If the routine is basically established then it's not as though you lose it completely. Also babies are unpredictable, so how can you know she will react badly? I can't tell whether my dd is going to react well or badly to anything and she's 8mo

Yanbu

people are talking as though this barbecue is a once in a lifetime opportunity rather than a few burnt sausages in the rain with people you've spent a whole weekend with.

There is no way i'd be leaving later than 3. I wouldn't expect anyone to change their plans to accommodate that but I wouldn't look kindly on any moaning about not seeing the children. You want to see them? Make youself available when they are awake and in good form. I'm not letting very young children get knackered and upset to suit somebody else's schedule.

YABU.

I think that YANBU. If you feel you have to leave by 3 pm, do so & explain that you need to get up early for work & don't want to be caught up in the BH traffic. I also agree with those who have said that it's a slightly weird time to have a bbq, at 3 pm on a BH after the whole family has been together all weekend. I would find that a bit off-putting if my mum did that, to be honest. Whenever we visit my parents (they live away from us, like your parents) they kind of naturally organise things a bit around us, just because they miss their grandson & want to spend a lot of time with him, and all family gatherings are also kind of around the days we're available (this is something we've never asked for, it just seems natural since we're visiting I guess).

I also have to laugh at all those who say that they just 'plonk' baby here or 'chuck' baby there and then quickly transfer baby to cot whenever, and then put baby in PJs & he/she sleeps in car & no problem, baby sleeps, parents enjoy the bbq, end of story. My DS was nothing at all like that, there was no way he would go to sleep in the car at that stage & then been transferred peacefully to cot- in fact now at age 2 I still can't pull tricks like that. Lucky you, I have to say to all those who have / had such easygoing babies!

I also think that YANBU, but I think you shot yourself in the foot with thread title which makes you sound very U.

YANBU - agree with maria that when some people say 'oh you can take babies everywhere and plonk them down' - that's simply not true for all - nothing is true of ALL of them!

I sympathise because my DS was the same; if we had him asleep in the car in the evening, he would be wide awake for HOURS and SCREAMING when it came to trying to settle him again

So instead of saying "go, it's only a routine" I say "it's only a BBQ, why would you intentionally give yourself an evening and night of sheer hell when you don't have to"

LMAO at all these perfect babies who you can take anywhere and they just sleep in the car, and transfer from there to cot no prob .

OP, YANBU.

DS1 would have done this no problem, DS2 (9mths) totally different kettle of fish. Terrible sleeper, terrible traveller - very, very stressful. And as for getting stuck in traffic with him - ohmigod, brings me out in a cold sweat!

I love it when all the relatives try and play the guilt trip when they won't be the ones suffering the screaming baby stuck in traffic/over-tired/won't settle to sleep/won't sleep at night/everyone knackered the next day.

Explain politely that it just isn't practical and leave when you need to.

YABU

Maybe I can exchange my DD for one who will be quite happy to be disrupted on occassion .

Hate the guilt trip especially as it is always us that makes the effort.

Katiestar - would you really not be worried about your DC being knackered on their first day at nursery? DD is only catnapping for 10/20 mins at the moment so would be likely to spend the whole time whinging - not really what I want for her first experience of nursery.

Worried I am being too precious now and should just go with the flow. .

I fall into the YABU camp I'm afraid.

If you don't want to go to the bbq then fine, don't go, but 8 month olds are pretty flexible really. Even if she wakes up when you get home (assuming you do the tea and pjs thing before putting her in the car to go home) then she can surely have a cuddle and a bottle of milk/bf before going into her cot at home.

Without wishing to jump the gun for you, if/when you have another child you will soon realise that their routines have to be rather flexible as you have other demands on your time, like school runs and other pick ups/drop offs. And the children manage just fine.

I think it's all about you being cross with your father.

You're not being too precious.

Her first day of nursery is very important. Is this the first day you'll be leaving her? Because if so, that is a very big, very stressful day.

Don't mind all the people telling you you are being precious. MN has a kind of mass hysteria about the very idea of ever doing the same thing at the same time two days in a row.

There's a real "I'm just so laid back, I just chuck my baby on the floor and go with the flow" mask covering a shrill "baby torturer! you must never subject your child to anything that might be convenient for you" face.

Basically, you're just getting shit because you put the word "routine" in your title.

If you'd asked whether you should discommode your entire family the day before your child started nursery just so your Dad could have a barbecue in the middle of the afternoon they'd all be telling you that visiting your parents for two days is too much contact.