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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if people really want to see DD they should fit in with her routine

83 replies

PDog · 10/08/2010 14:07

Dad rang last night to invite us to 'family' bbq on bank holiday Monday. I explained that we are coming back for the weekend (is 2 hour drive)but were going to head back on Monday morning as have things to sort out. Said we could stay for the bbq but would need to leave at 3pm to get back in time to do tea for DD before bed. He ummed and arred and then said well he could do the food earlier in a way that made it sound like a massive inconvenience. Then went on to say it would be a shame if we can't make it.

We are already staying over 2 nights and can't stay a third as DH has work on the Tuesday and DD has her first introductory session at nursery. Plus I don't really want to as then our whole weekend is taken up fitting with other people, rather than doing what suits us.

Last time we were there some comments were made about how they had hardly seen DD and we shouldn't leave it so long next time. I just feel that if he is so bothered about seeing her it wouldn't be such a big deal to do the BBQ earlier or have it on the Sunday.

I am not a GF fan btw so don't have a militant routine, just rough times for meals and a set bath/bed routine. DD is 8mo.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 10/08/2010 14:47

i don't really understand i'm afraid

you need to leave a barbecue so that you can get back for 5pm to give her tea?
can you not give her tea there?

and then lkeave at 6ish or something?

do they have specific reasons for doing it on the monday rather than sat/sun??

I hav ve to admit that i am not really one for fitting in around a baby. babies are very flexible and it's easy enough to fit them round what you want to do most of the time

LucyLouLou · 10/08/2010 14:53

I can't see what the problem is tbh. It's not like you've got a half day drive to get home. YABVU unless your DD is a really bad sleeper and even then I don't think one day is going to cause a problem. It's a shame for you to miss out on a lovely family occasion just because you're afraid to step out of routine. Unless you've missed something out of your OP, I fail to see anything that means you absolutely have to leave before the barbecue. Sorry, guessing you didn't want to hear all this, but I really do think you're being a bit precious about it. Go or don't go to the barbecue, but don't shift the choice onto anyone but yourself.

2rebecca · 10/08/2010 14:54

Why is she being unreasonable if she'd wanted to leave in the morning and her dad is now trying to persuade her to stay until the evening?
I agree though that if your parents have decided they want a late afternoon barbeque then them not changing it to fit in with your departure time doesn't mean they don't want to see your daughter, just that they don't want to change the time of their barbeque. Them having a barbeque in the afternoon doesn't affect you any more than if they'd had a normal evening meal if you won't be there, so I don't really understand the title of the thread. However it seems odd to call it a "family" barbeque if you have it after the long distance family have left.
Were you clear that you planned to leave before lunch?

alicet · 10/08/2010 14:54

YANBU. It is a big day for you and your dd starting nursery the next day and getting home late with a fractious child is hardly a recipe for success is it?

Frankly I think its wierd that, knowing you are there all weekend, they have arranged a bbq for exactly the time you want to leave.

I personaly would stick to your guns and say you would love to come if it fits in with your plans but that for all the things you have on you can't leave later than 3. So the options for your dad are 1) have it whenever he likes but accept you will leave early, 2) move the time earlier to accommodate you, 3) have it on Sat / Sun at the time he chooses.

Can't understand everyone slating the op for wanting to stick to a routine that fits for her dd when they are away all weekend with her parents anyway? Did you all have such easy babies that you could have chopped and changed things at will? I certainly didn't - ds1 slept atrociously for the first 3 months of his life - once I found a routine that worked I was pretty rigid about sticking to it! Certainly I am much more relaxed now and agree it isn't the be all and end all but it can certainly seem it when they are tiny and I'm sure some of you are remembering the 'flexibility' of babies with a touch of the rose tinted spectacles!

gagamama · 10/08/2010 14:56

YABU. You're not ever going to look back and think "you know what, I'm so glad DD had her nap that afternoon all those years ago", but you might all gain fond memories of DD at the BBQ with her Grandad, being fussed over by people who love her and generally be centre of attention. Yes, she might be grizzly later on or the next day, no, you might not get a brilliant night's sleep that night - but what really will it matter in a weeks/months/years time?

That's the way I look at these things anyway. It might be more sensible to leave early but who ever had fun being sensible?!

compo · 10/08/2010 14:56

I hate travelling at that time on a bank holiday
you'll get stuck in traffic
I'd suggest the BBQ be on the Sunday as you want to leave in plenty of time on the Monday
I can see why you don't want to get home late when dh is working the following day and your dd is going to nursery for the first time
we have to travel to see family and people who don't just don't understand how crappy it is travelling on bank holidays etc
my sister once told me I was mean making the kids travell on Xmas morning to get to our parents for Xmas lunch - easy for her to say when she lives in the same town as inlaws and parents

Sorry rant over

alicet · 10/08/2010 14:59

Of course she's not going to look back and think 'thank goodness dd had her nap that day'

But she is with her parents (and so dds grandparents) ALL WEEKEND - its hardly as though the bbq is needed to have happy memories of family time is it? And if her dad really wanted her to be there he could have planned it on any one of the other 2 days she is already there couldn't he?

I agree with the poster who said it smacks of her parents trying to manipulate her into staying longer than she had planned.

LucyLouLou · 10/08/2010 14:59

I think, OP, you've said it all in five words:

"I don't really want to"

Sounds like you've already made your mind up who's in the wrong and you just want people to back you up. I'm guessing you've probably not been hugely clear about your time and reason for leaving on the Monday and your family have arranged this barbecue to see you off. If that's the case, it's a shame you can't be more flexible now.

alicet · 10/08/2010 15:00

And for us we were so desperate for all the sleep we could get that yes, one night of bad sleep, especially on an important occasion like ds starting nursery, was a big deal

2rebecca · 10/08/2010 15:00

On the other hand gagamama the baby may sleep all through the barbeque and the delayed leaving time might mean the op has an extra hour in traffic with a crying baby, plus her husband may have had enough of his inlaws by then and have stuff he'd like to do in the afternoon and they argue in the car because no-one had the day they'd planned and everyone is grumpy.

proudnsad · 10/08/2010 15:01

I don't really get it, it's just one day, you can feed her there. She can sleep in car.

Why on earth do you believe the majority should fit in with the minority ie you?

YABU

alicet · 10/08/2010 15:09

The op hasn't said that the majority have to fit in with her either. She has just said she needs to leave by 3pm.

Its therefore up to her dad as to whether it is important to him to have her there in which case it will need to be before then or if it is not when he can arrange it to suit himself.

I am still with YANBU OP

cat64 · 10/08/2010 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hocuspontas · 10/08/2010 15:25

What's the problem? Her dad said he would do it earlier. It seems the op is miffed because he wasn't overjoyed at doing it earlier.

HoorahHilda · 10/08/2010 15:25

YANBU at all .

HoorahHilda · 10/08/2010 15:27

All babies are most certainly not flexible , agree with the rose tinted spectacles comment wholeheartedly!

thumbwitch · 10/08/2010 15:27

It's entirely up to you if you choose to allow your DD's routines to run your social/family life - but you can't expect everyone else to fit around it - so YABU.

alicet · 10/08/2010 15:33

She did cat64 but that was a response to her dad (or others as well I am not sure) making comments about it being a shame if they wouldn't be there (unless I have misinterpreted it).

Not imho a response to her dad needing to fit the bbq around her.

alicet · 10/08/2010 15:36

I agree though that the title of the thread makes it appear as though she wants everyone to fit around her baby though.

bourboncreme · 10/08/2010 15:38

i did this when ds1 was about the same age , we missed a family event because it was in the evening,would have played havoc with his routine etc.I look back now and cringe the family memeber died unexpectedly soon after ,she would have loved to see ds ,can't believe i did this now and will always regret it,all for a one night of routine.

NickOfTime · 10/08/2010 15:38

oh i love it when they are that small, you can do pretty much what you like and take them with you!

why don't you get everything sorted at the house on friday before you go, so that it won't matter if you get back at 8 or 9 on monday? (we've got 3 dc's now and usually live 6 or more hours away from gp's, so have become used to maximising the opportunities our dc's have to spend with their extended family. in fact it has become the one thing that is the priority for us, as we feel it's important that as littlies they make a lasting bond with gps especially.)

we used to wait until it was the dc's bedtime and put them in the car in their sleepsuits/ pjs and get to our destination at about 2am. sometimes you have a few false starts lol, but once they are settled you can get underway.

(i know it's a pita when you have to work the next day - we made the decision it was necessary for the adults -us- to be inconvenienced rather than the dcs. we've had a few knackered days, but the dcs have always been fine)

i'm astonished that we're only talking about a 2 hour drive tbh. it wouldn't have crossed my mind to do anything else other than stay for the bbq.

LIZS · 10/08/2010 15:44

I think you're hiding behind dd a little but can understand that you need her to be ready for the next day - perhaps that would have been a better tack to take and then suggest on Sunday you'd have the whole day.

BornToFolk · 10/08/2010 15:46

When DS was 8 months old there was no way we could have let him sleep in the car and just popped him in the cot when we got in

He would either not sleep at all in the car, and most likely scream all the way back, or would sleep in the car but then wake up when we got back and scream then.

No fun for anyone at all. Not all babies are flexible when it comes to sleep.

You have spent all weekend with the family and I can totally understand your desire to get home at a reasonable time.

YANBU.

muddleduck · 10/08/2010 15:57

Completely reasonable to want to leave early to go home.

Completely unreasonable to be pissed off at others not rearranging their plans.

tis simple

YummyMummy1208 · 10/08/2010 16:09

YANBU!!

Yes it may be a little harsh to expect them to move the bbq to an earlier time but if you want to leave at 3pm then leave at 3pm.
Just means you may miss the bbq.

Some people dont understand the whole fitting to a routine thing with babies but i was always one to try and keep things relatively normal.

If you wanted to stay on later then i dont see it would b a problem for the little one to do what others have suggested and put her in her PJ's then straight to bed once u get home but if it was me i would want to be home at a decent time after spending the whole weekend there you need time to unwind ready for morning!

Do what u feel is best, if it means u miss the bbq, not too much of a big deal is it?

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