Would you, or have you taken a parent/PIL in?

[CoffeeMum]

We are in the process of buying the family house that we hope to live in, well, forever really. As part of this, the subject of potentially taking in one of our parents in has come up - whether this was due to them being widowed, being ill or disabled, or just generally in old age.
I'm just curious about what people generally think about this issue. Would you take in a parent or an inlaw if they needed it? Would you even take one in even if they didn't 'need it'? Would you want to do this, or would you see it as a necessary duty? A parent, but not an in-law? Do you think an only child will inevitably have to take in a parent if required? And if you have siblings, is it generally accepted that one of you will be the one to take in Mum/MIL?
Sorry - this post sounds like i'm a journalist scouting for ideas - i'm really not! It's just a new subject for me to wrap my brain around, and i'm trying to get context for my thoughts i suppose.
Thanks in advance if anyone can contribute

I have a 'reap what you sow' attitude to this.

I know that my parents would 'take me in' at the drop of a hat if something went on in my life that meant I needed their help. I would therefore reay the favour if/when they ever need and want it.

Sorry - this post sounds like i'm a journalist scouting for ideas that's exactly what I was thinking!!

Anyway, would love to stop and chat, but I have to get off now and that's one bigggg topic. Too many ifs and buts for a short post on it!

The decision has to be made on cultural realities (DH's family would expect this more than mine), financial impact and franky, sanity impact. If I had sufficient space, I would consider it for DH' family if need be (mine wouldn't dream of it and would hate it) but it would definitely only be possible if we had enough space for them to be independent within our home.

And I wouldn't be happy about it.

I met someone the other day who is chinese and made the point that whether he likes it or not, as the son, he's expected eventually to have his parents live with him.

I know, that's exactly it, it's a big, big topic - and i'm truly just trying to cast my hat around for thoughts. I don't even know where to start thinking about it! It's not exactly a topic you talk about with your mates when they come round for dinner is it?

Some thoughts i'm already having...

I could live with my Mum, but not my Dad
I'm not sure I could deal with caring for either a parent or an in-law if it got to the point where they needed feeding, bathing, taking to the loo etc.
Both myself and my DH have felt a bit letdown by our parents, both before and after having DC - so this colours our decision.
I almost feel like I could only refuse to take anyone in if we didn't physically have space for them.

Anyway, i am just really curious to see what people think and do about this, but if you think i'm a journalist, please don't feel you have to respond, i won't be offended

BlingLoving - yes, yes, the cultural differences loom large here don't they. In some cultures it's a given that several generations live together I believe.

And that's another thing - you couldn't have someone living in your boxroom could you? They would need a decent sized room so they had a space of their own. I suppose this is why we're thinking about it now, when we're looking at houses...

I too think reap what you sow.

I will take in my grandparents as and when the time comes. They have been a pillar of support for me, dh and our dcs. Tbh I don't know where i'd be without them.

Doubt I would take either parents or ils in. My parents are wrapped up in their own lives and we don't see them often, although my mum will help if needed. Ils are useless and there are other issues.

Would not help my parent's out. EVER

Would have taken in Dh's mum but she passed away last year :( so a non issue now.

Not in this house, too small. I also wouldn't take in an in-law if it was me who was likely to end up doing all the caring.

There are also issues of favouritism on both sides which massively clouds my opinions on this matter.

I´d like to think I would.
But-my Dad drives me mad, I don´t think he´d want it any more than me.

Neither husband nor I would like an IL living with us.
We are abroad & they have never visited, so I doubt they´d live here!

We would need a bigger house & I doubt any of them would want to sell their house to do that.

Me and DH have had this discussion.

DH's parents put all of their parents into care homes so I don't think DH's parents would expect to live with us. They are divorced but quite well off so supporting themselves will hopefully not be a problem.

In my family, however, it's not the "done thing" to put family into homes. My maternal great-grandmother lived with my nan and helped raise my mum and my aunt is already talking about how she would like my grandparents to live with them. My paternal grandmother has ended up in a home purely because it's too dangerous to care for her in the family home (working farm) but my father returned to Ireland to care for her when she needed it and he or his sister go to visit her every single day.

I worry about my parents because my mum is living alone on a low income and I think she's being very optimistic about the amount of pension, etc, that she will get. My Dad lives in the middle of nowhere and I worry about how he will manage when he's older. I have no problem with my Dad living with me because he's very quiet and unobtrusive but my Mum would be a nightmare. Thankfully, my Dad is only turning 60 this year and my mum is younger again so, hopefully, we won't have to face this for a while to come...

My nan (dads mum) has just spent a couple of weeks with my parents and my mum has effectively been a full time nurse (taking her to the bathroom/washing her etc). It has put a lot of pressure on her and she is exhausted. My mum has said that she would not feel at all rtesentful, except for the fact that my nan has been a pretty awful mother to my dad and has always favoured his sister. So, I think the main things to consider are how much physical care you would be doing, whether you are the sort of person who can look after someone else (not everyone has a personality conducive to 'caring') and whether you actually want to look after/live with the person concerned.

I love my parents deeply and they have always done their very best for me and I would be there for them in a heartbeat.

My MIL pleases herself and hell would freeze over before she lives with me. I have one life and would not sacrifice any part of it to live with someone I didn't love.

I'd take mine in. And I expect we would also take his in. However - we live close to both, so probably no need.

Would take in my father if my mother had died and he was on his own and we had a bigger house. Would even take in MIL if we had an annexe and could have some sort of separate lives.

Under no circumstances at all would I live with or near my mother again (toxic parent).

I would take in my mum, but I don't think she would want me to. For a mixture of reasons, but I think she would assume she'd be a burden (which she wouldn't be) and this would stop her from actually living with me or my siblings. I probably wouldn't take in my step-father, but I don't think he'd want to either, he didn't raise any of us so as far as I'm concerned, that's not really an issue.

As for ILs, I don't have them yet, but I would probably not take them in if it was me who had to do most of the caring. A friend of my mum's did this because her widowed MIL pretty much refused to go into a care home (even though she badly needed to, couldn't handle bathroom stuff, limited mobility etc). She regretted it almost immediately (though by that point couldn't kick the woman out). Nothing was ever good enough for the MIL (even though my mum's friend is an absolute saint), DIL never did anything quick enough, didn't feed her enough etc. All ended up in a blazing row with MIL sulking like a spoilt child for days.

It's a minefield subject isn't it?

Oh, and I definitely would never in a million years take in my father, who is a first class asshole. But then that's a whole other subject.

I don't think people should feel guilty about not taking in relatives, though I have overheard some elderly neighbours of mine berating the adult daughter of one of their friends for not taking in her mother, as it was apparently her 'duty'.

yep, but then ive thought about all this previously, between us we have 3mums an 2dads all would be welcome. as would my grandfather but hell would freeze over before anyone would take in DP grandparents inc his own children, he is the only one i wouldn't give a home to though.

Wow, thanks for all replies - just reading through now, but can i just say, Riven, you are surely, utterly excused from any further caring duties [obviously it is not a 'duty' to care for your daughter, that is hopelessly phrased, but i hope you understand what i mean]. I am in utter awe at what you do, seriously.

Right, want to read everything else properly now - but just wanted to say that.

I "took in" both of my parents approx 10years ago for a 2yr period as my dad lost his business and my mum became/is disabled.

It was a nightmare! My dad wasn't too bad as he's a quiet/anything for an easy life kind of guy. My mum.. well, that was a whole different story which would take far too long to type out!

I wouldn't do it again for my mum and tbh I think that seeing as it's my sister that uses her for endless amounts of free childcare then it should be down to her anyway. I would consider taking in my dad in his old age as I doubt he would be a pain in the arse!

I/we are also the "nominated" carers when the time comes for the inlaws although I think the plan would be for us to move into their home (it's much much bigger) and make part of it a separate annex for them with the house ownership passing to us upon their deaths. I am positive that the majority of the caring would fall to me and that's something I am happy to do provided we get support either by way of help from siblings or a hired cleaner/respite carer as I am not willing to give up my relationship with my children and my husband in order to become a full time 24/7 carer for my inlaws.

I would say make sure you fully discuss the options and be totally honest with how you all see it working.

DH and I have discussed this before and have agreed that we would offer my parents a home if and when the need arose, Dh's parents have both passed away.

However I will sound awful saying this but I would struggle dreadfully living with my father as he likes to watch TV all day loudly and comment on it to people that aren't even watching it, he absolutely insists on having everything his way and thinks nothing of throwing in unasked for comments regarding my parenting. My mum would be absolutely fine.

We don't have a separate annexe or anything like that, but would have to review living arrangements when it crops up.

Well I have wonderful parents who have done everything for me. And I have been so grateful that I have been able to pay them back a little in the last few years as they get older and need our help. They would not want to move in with us as they live a very different life to us but if they ever asked I'd be delighted. Have to say that I'd prefer to be able to move into a place with a seperate annexe so we could be slightly independent of each other.

my parents are long dead. I would offer care and support to PILs, but would not move them into this house. I would, finances permitting, look at buying somewhere bigger. I would want PILs to have own sitting room and bathroom for everyone's sanity, not least theirs. Alternatively, I would move to within walking distance (we are 30 mins drive away) in order to call in twice a day.

Reading this is making me wonder too. Can't say that I would be thrilled to become a full time carer, especially for a PIL because I just don't really know them that well and find them difficult to talk to (only met FIL about 5 times in nearly 20 years). Could probably live with my mum so long as we managed to set ground rules, would worry that I would start to feel and be treated as being 13 again which I wouldn't want. And we all have different ways of doing things, if it is your home you don't want it changed completely to somebody else's way of doing things although there would need to be some give and take to make them feel welcome.

have a friend who had inlaws to stay for what was supposed to be a couple of months after they sold their house and were house hunting... nearly a year later, discovered that her 'd'h had let them pay off part of the mortgage and effectively sold them a share of their house without telling her, thus it became their house too and they started turning it into their house. I would have been so mad on so many different levels but for the time being she is still trapped there with PIL

Thing that this has started me wondering about - what if you take in one parent and then the other - divorced - parent wants/needs taking in - difficult when they haven't spoken for 20 odd years and all very toxic. Then makes you choose between parents, not nice.

Or if you take in one parent and parent from the other side needs taking in and you don't have space - you end up looking after your weird MIL who you really don't get on with and then can't look after your darling mum who you would like to live with and look after, just because of the timings. very difficult - having to choose yours vs his parents.

just pondering really!