Would you, or have you taken a parent/PIL in?

[CoffeeMum]

We are in the process of buying the family house that we hope to live in, well, forever really. As part of this, the subject of potentially taking in one of our parents in has come up - whether this was due to them being widowed, being ill or disabled, or just generally in old age.
I'm just curious about what people generally think about this issue. Would you take in a parent or an inlaw if they needed it? Would you even take one in even if they didn't 'need it'? Would you want to do this, or would you see it as a necessary duty? A parent, but not an in-law? Do you think an only child will inevitably have to take in a parent if required? And if you have siblings, is it generally accepted that one of you will be the one to take in Mum/MIL?
Sorry - this post sounds like i'm a journalist scouting for ideas - i'm really not! It's just a new subject for me to wrap my brain around, and i'm trying to get context for my thoughts i suppose.
Thanks in advance if anyone can contribute

Posie-does your husband agree about not having either of his parents?

Funnily enough this conversation did come up at a dinner party with friends last week - one friend works in a residential home in England.

She said she would not put her parents or in-laws in a home, after working in them, as long as she could physically and financially avoid it. One of her opinions was that old folk just 'give up' on life, feel like they've stepped out of society, as soon as they move in.

I used to live in a very poor African country, and although the people there had little materially, they looked after their family. To my many friends there, the idea of putting your parents in an old folks' home was abhorrent and equal to suggesting your elderly parents should live out their days as a street beggar. (Many heated discussions about selfish Westerners biting the parental hand that nurtured them, etc etc)

I agree with the poster who wrote 'you reap what you sow', and would definitely look after my parents, and at more of a push, DH's problem-strewn parents too. Happily, they're all in their 50s and more concerned with looking after their own parents for now.

I also agree that money and your house pay a massive part - a granny/grandad flat with own kitchen, entrance etc would be ideal. And their would be conditions too...

My parents would look after me in a heartbeat - only recently dd and I had to live with them for 6 months, and they were wonderful. If, God forbid, I was in a terrible accident, widowed or whatever, they wouldn't think twice about taking me in. I think it should work both ways.

Kind of, basically if they came to live with us I would leave and he knows this.

I would have my MIL and FIL move in like a shot. They are dear and lovely people and I love them. I would much rather they lived with family than be farmed out to a home. DP is one of 5 so I am sure that if the need ever arose they would move in with one of their children. They are much loved and wonderful parents.

My own mother - no, not a chance in hell.

I know not all care homes are vile, and some of them are very well run, but i would move heaven and earth before I would have a loved one move in there.

I don't have any ILs.

I would have my mum come and live me now if I could persuade her So, yes to mum. No to Dad (who is alcoholic nightmare).

Mum, however, would not want to "impose" on me and she definitely wouldn't want me to be her carer. She has MS which has just started to get a little more aggressive (I believe - she doesn't always tell me) and I think she'd insist on being professionally cared for. I don't know if I could cope either, if I'm honest.

Sorry, small typo correction: "to my many friends there" should have read "to many of my friends there" - I am not implying massive popularity on my part!

I would like to think I would do it but in reality I am reluctant and worried it would all go pear-shaped.

Atm my sister and I are debating this wrt our father. Dh's parents and my mother have all died so my father is the only one left atm. My sister and I both live overseas, she in an English speaking country, me not. We are here for another year or so, then we don't know where we go. It is very difficult to know what to do for the best.

Whenever my father has come to visit, it has been difficult all round. I don't think he can cope well with dc anymore.

My parents have already said they wouldn't want us to, wouldn't want to be a burden etc. so it's never been an issue. Their respective mothers went into homes when the time came and one in particular absolutely loved it there...with all her friends. So I think it does depend on your experience of what the alternatives are. My MIL's mum lives far away and is in a nursing home so I don't imagine they would expect us to either.

To be honest I think I would be happy to have my Mum but not my MIL and my DH would be happy to have his Mum but not mine, natural really. So we would go down the woute of having neither.

Circumstances may change, but ideally I would try and find them somewhere comfortable close to us so we can see them often but not live together.

I have this huge dilemma as my parents live back home (a different country) and so when the time comes (ie should they get ill or similar) we would have to decide what to do (my brother also lives over here).

A home would be a very last resort, especially as we wouldn't be able to visit often enough. My preferred option would be to take them in with us; however we would have to move to a house with an annexe, as they would want/need their own privacy and want to make that their own home.

I have no illusions though as how hard/draining/soul destroying it can be to look after an elderly person full time for long periods of time, especially if they are very ill/not mobile; both my parents have done it (first my grandma, then my other grandma and then my uncle with terminal cancer lived with us), and the hardest thing of all was the lack of respite.

My dad was still working and I remember my mum couldn't even pop out to get milk so was like a prisoner in her own house for years on end.....nights were hard too as my grandma used to wake up and call a lot as she couldn't sleep at night and wanted company!

Also when my DD1 was born, it was almost impossible for them to come and visit or really for us to go and stay....so that was another thing that made it psychologically hard for all concerned.

So, I don't know what I would do......difficult one, but very good subject indeed. If you ask my mum, she'd say that she feels like she has devoted her whole life to caring - first her own children, then her elderly relatives.....and although she has done it because of culture/good will etc, she does feel it was a huge sacrifice.

My mother lives with us.

I am 25 and she is 61 - she doesn't really "need" to live with us (yet) but she is on her own and was very lonely. She still works full time and found it quite difficult to keep on top of the house, cooking etc and got into a sorry state before she moved in.

We are lucky that we have a big house and she has her own large bedroom, ensuite and small sitting room but she mainly sits with us in the main living room and we all eat together etc. She is quite active in the community and goes out 2/3 nights/ week which is fine and gives us a little alone time.

My husband also works away a lot so it's nice for me to have the company and she helps me with DS and he adores her.

I get on very well with my Mum so it's not an issue for us and we can now afford things like a cleaner, gardener, sending ironing out etc :)

I had my grandparents live with me for 6 months after they were flooded. NOT FUN! Meant DD and I sharing a room, fairly small 2 bedroomed house. And they had my bedroom as Grandad can't sleep in a bed thats against the wall
But, I would do it again for them if they needed it. Don't think I could be a carer for them, as I think I would grow to resent them, but, as someone else said, I would quite happily go keep house, etc, for them.

I wouldn't take my mother oin as there'd be too much temptation to reward her years of emotional abuse in kind

Would take my dad in but he'd prefer to go to a home, it would upset him to be taken care of by his daughter (not that he'd know... long family history of alzeihmers)

I'd take dp's mother in.. in fact have offered already if she needs to get away from alcoholic FOL.

Wouldn't take dp's dad in for above reason.... he was a shitty father so he doesn't deserve any kindness (and that's not an off the cuff remark.... he was abusive, drunk, abandoned them for months at a time, spent years in jail for GHB, etc)

"Kind of, basically if they came to live with us I would leave and he knows this."

What about if it was just one of them?

TBH, I don´t like my ILs, but feel that my husband has as much right to have one of his parents living here as I do.

18 years ago we bought a house and bungalow with my dad. He gave us what he sold his small end terrace house for and did not want his name to appear on any documents. We had ( hand on my aching heart) 16 wonderful years with him and I had him at home until the end.
My MIL moved in with us for 18 months in main house between selling her house in England ( we are on offshore island )and buying here as her house sale fell through at last minute....now that was very tricky even though she had own bedroom and living room. She moved into her own bugalow 2 miles away nearly 4 years ago. Would I have her back ?.. my head says no but my heart is too soft.
Meanwhile my lovely Mum ( parents long divorced) had developed Altzheimer's and eventually was given a place in a wonderful " hotel " ( her words ) and that freed me up to be her daughter again rather than a tired and grumpy carer.

So longwinded account of 3 different ways I have cared for aged parents , Still got MIl 2 miles away.
One last thing , if you are still with me . We now have DD and her DH and baby next door in the bungalow . And so the wheel of life turns....

This is something we have discussed many times with dh and made plans.
My in-laws will most likely be cared by Sil, they live next to each other and sil wants to do it. If she didn't want, then we would.
My parents will be cared by us and my brother and his wife (maybe six months each every year).
In both our cultures this is the thing to do.

But in the cultures where this is usual, it is also easier. There is more support from other family members, and in some cases also shorter working hours. When my grandma was very ill and my mum took her in she could still go out and do other stuff because she had an army of unties, cousins, nephews who popped in daily. Many people in uk, especially in the big cities don't have this luxury so i can see why they can not do it (plus of course the money issues, long working hours and commute).

Without support is extremely difficult thing to do.

I would take in my parents, I think, but within limits. When I was little my grandmother lived with us briefly as she had Alzheimers, but eventually it got to the point where she needed more looking after than my parents could provide and it became too dangerous with small children. My father says it was the most difficult decision of his life to put her into a nursing home, but it was the only option really. We still saw her a lot and everyone was happier - she was relieved too, as she didn't have to try to hide her illness from us anymore, which she always felt she had to do at home.

My other grandmother is not ill, just not very mobile in her old age, and there's talk of her living with us. But we live 300 miles away from her, so if she were to move in with someone it would probably be the family who live locally. We'd have her though, if that was what she wanted. And I'd do the same for my parents. If they needed care, I'd do my absolute best to supply it in any way possible, but if they needed 24-hour monitoring like my Grandma, I'd also consider nursing homes. I have some friends who think that's cruel, but I think if it's done out of love and for the best, then I think it's okay.

At the moment, my parents are struggling with this.
All my grandparents are still alive, but they are all just about 90 with various ailments.
It's tricky.
My mum is more likely to be caring for her elderly parents than me looking after her for the foreseeable future. I hope.

When we moved 5 years ago (to our 'forever' house) we gladly took in my mum (dh was as happy to do so as I). She didn't really need it at the time, but it was pretty clear to both of us that she would need it at some point, possibly not very far away, and so we set about finding a house which would accommodate her too.

We only viewed houses with so-called granny flats. Some of them weren't really fit for a dog. This place gave her a whole floor to herself, comprising bedroom, bathroom, sitting room and kitchenette.

I have never regretted it. She died last year, very quickly after being ill for only a few months; it still makes me deeply sad and dh, dd and I still miss her.

I feel guilty almost every day that we didn't do enough for her, and I dread to think how awful I would be feeling if we hadn't even had her with us for these few short years.

I should point out that I had two brothers who both got on with her better than I did (though I got on with her perfectly well); I had always assumed I would resent being the one who would obviously (because I was the bloody girl!) have to look after her in her dotage, but when it came to it, I didn't feel like that at all. As I say, I wanted her to come and live with us.

It's a diff story with the ILs though. This is partly because dh can't stand his step-dad under any circumstances, and partly because he has never been able to spend more than 5mins in the same room as his mum without getting hysterical. (Also tbh I find the pair of them pretty intolerable too!)

Hello all, thank you for taking the time to reply - this is exactly what i was after, a whole spectrum of opinions and experiences, so that I can start thinking about where our situation fits into that and go from there.

I am comforted to hear from others that they would find it hard/impossible to live with a parent or inlaw, due to personality clashes/irritations etc - I do feel that this issue would rear its head in respect of one of my parents. And I am also relieved to hear that many others see it as essential to have self contained living areas for any family member who did move in. Oh, and that ground rules can be a must.

I suppose I was thinking you just have to take in a family member unconditionally, without rules or discussion, and quite honestly, that thought scares the hell out of me. Our parents have been great in many ways, but i wouldn't say that we have ever been able to rely on them for support or help. In fact, both DH and I have ended up with the role of caring for our parents already - to be honest, we've provided more support and help to them up to this point than they have for us, and I would find this hard to forget.

We have had our kids in our 30s, and I suppose i'm terrified of a situation where i just about get our kids off to school, i can get back to work, and get a bit of time to myself back - only to become carer to a parent or inlaw.

But none of this means that I wouldn't step up and do what was necessary. I am just very relieved to hear that it is 'accepted' to impose some kind of regulation on it.

I will save this thread, and thank you to all of the people who have responded - a really good range of thoughts here, I will come back to this.

Thank you

yes coffee, I think boundaries/rules are really important. My family moved into a bigger house with my grndparents and aunt when I was 10. To begin with all shared one kitchen and ate all our meals together. This made life pretty miserable (though obv depends on the personalities involved). After a couple of years we rearranged the house so we had our own kitchen diner upstairs and things were soooooooo much better.
In response to the general question, I think I would want to take my parents in, but it would depend how old my children are when the time comes - I found it terribly hard as a 10 year old living with GPs. And I wouldn't want to take ILs in but if it was necessary then maybe I would.

I would take my dad in. We'll put him in the dining room and stick a loo in there.

He looked after both his parents through various illnesses (although once my gran got dementia she went into a home), had them to stay at his, did lots for them etc. He did the same for a friend of his who had no family. Come to think of it he did it for some of his aunties as well. He's spent a lot of his life looking after old people and IMO he should reap what he sowed. It will be a pain in the arse, but I'll do it.

Nope. Not ever. Not none of em. Not because they are awful (not all the time anyway), but because we are already paying off the pensions crisis of our parents' generation, and, more importantly if your life is a cycle of 'dependent child - adult/parent - almost immediately have to be parental carer - death', then shoot me now. Seriously. Right now. Duty is a DANGEROUS concept. It promotes cycles of unhealthy relationships and thoughts in a lot of cases (not all, before you all go mad at me). Parents choose to have kids - kids don't ask for it. Does not = duty of care for parents in old age.
That said, I don't want to inherit owt from anyone either! Spend on themselves, I say!

Dear Lord no.

Yes I would. I think I could happily live with either of my parents and I'd be happy to provide care too.

But, they're much better off financially than we're ever likely to be so I don't see us ever having the space and I'd feel awkward about them funding extra living space. Also, I'm not sure dh would feel the same way - he doesn't see his parents so the situation would never be considered the other way round.

My mother is having to consider this with her own mother at the moment. They'd have to move house to take her in and quite frankly I think my gran would drive my mum demented. There's the extra complication that my mum is in remission from breast cancer and there's no guarantee that it won't return, so she's got to consider that she might need my dad to be her carer at some point rather than her taking on a caring responsibility.

It's hard. Ideally you'd get a house with a granny flat so some independence could be maintained, but realistically how many people can afford that?

My MIL will probably move in with me within the year. She is suffering from Dementia. I would not dream of refusing to look after her.

I will keep her with us as long as I can, but if she becomes a danger to us or is ruining DS quality of life with strange behaviour I would have to rethink.

I would do it out of love and duty. It is something I want to do although DH is not keen.