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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you, or have you taken a parent/PIL in?

79 replies

CoffeeMum · 09/08/2010 11:21

We are in the process of buying the family house that we hope to live in, well, forever really. As part of this, the subject of potentially taking in one of our parents in has come up - whether this was due to them being widowed, being ill or disabled, or just generally in old age.
I'm just curious about what people generally think about this issue. Would you take in a parent or an inlaw if they needed it? Would you even take one in even if they didn't 'need it'? Would you want to do this, or would you see it as a necessary duty? A parent, but not an in-law? Do you think an only child will inevitably have to take in a parent if required? And if you have siblings, is it generally accepted that one of you will be the one to take in Mum/MIL?
Sorry - this post sounds like i'm a journalist scouting for ideas - i'm really not! It's just a new subject for me to wrap my brain around, and i'm trying to get context for my thoughts i suppose.
Thanks in advance if anyone can contribute

OP posts:

wem · 09/08/2010 12:45

My mum would never in a million years have taken in her mum or her MIL (they were both in homes for a number of years), so I don't feel much pressure there, but I'm aware that out of me and my three sisters, I probably have the best relationship with her so if it was to happen it would probably be me that took her. However our relationship has only improved since I moved to the other end of the country, and produced a grandchild for her to dote on when she visits. I think things would go downhill pretty quickly if I had to live with her.

Dad I feel differently about, but I haven't really thought about it before. I think he'd hate it in a home

Either one, our circumstances would have to change significantly before it was possible, our house is going to be stretched to the limit when dd2 arrives as it is.

Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 12:46

I am attualty thinking of this situation at the mo here

insertwittynicknameHERE · 09/08/2010 12:50

I would if I had the room. My parents would never want that though and have said as much. Even if they did as horrible as it sounds I would probably think twice about having my mum live with me and my family. Also think twice about FIL living here.

They are both intolerable to be around for longer than half an hour let alone live with TBH. But having said that if they had nowhere else to go and needed looking after then I would.

tb · 09/08/2010 13:07

18 years ago we sold our home and moved in with dh's MIL, yes my (d)m. I am an only child. It was a 3-storey 6 bedroom house and the agreement was to share kitchen, morning room and bathroom, with us having a bedroom and sitting room on the top floor. We were to pay all the maintenance and bills. I had just started re-training in a new career and she was in her 70s. We knew the stress of worrying about house and garden, both maintenance and bills would be debilitating so thought it would be easier in the long run.....

We were wrong. Within 6 weeks, whilst still content for us to pay all the bills, and to filch expensive bottles of wine from us, she had to all intent stopped speaking to us. Further on, it became 'inconvenient' for us to use the washing machine at weekends ffs. So, happy to comply, we used to go to the launderette and have a toastie next door while waiting.

6 months later, we moved out, without a forwarding address and a new ex-directory phone no, the week after she wrote me a letter telling me she didn't consider me her daughter. She even managed to get our new address from a temp postie over Christmas, and when complained told the post office that 'her daughter' gave her our address = did I heck as like!

Then followed about 3-4 years of anonymous letters from her, and others from people she knew offering to bring her over for afternoon tea as she was so upset I wasn't speaking to her [hmmm]. She is one of those narcissistic bullies that when things don't go her way, stops speaking and creates a sub-zero atmosphere so that everyone rushes round trying to cajole her - bit like a bad-tempered siamese IYSWIM, with apologies to siamese cat lovers.

Hardly surprising I failed my first exams, then was made redundant when passing them 6 months later. Still, I got out.

The moral of this story is tread very, very carefully. Don't, as I did, put down odd previous behaviour to an unhappy marriage, if a parent has always been odd, behaved unreasonably, etc, they always will, and once they have you where they want you, can only get worse.

jadziadax · 09/08/2010 13:41

Both my mum and myself (and MIL before she retired) are nurses in aged care. Mum has said very clearly, many times she would rather go into a home than "impose" care needs for herself on her children. So if the situation comes up I will respect that. I think she would feel less embarrassed about any lack of dignity in front of professionals rather than family.

Haven't had any sort of conversation with Dad, I could live with him, but would more likely take on a facilitating role for care services should it be necessary.
This is a long way off (hopefully) my parents are 54.

In-laws are in Canada and BIL lives with them, not as a carer, but he may need to be, they are mid 70's with many meds and app.s.

My paternal grandma is getting frailer and more forgetful day by day. I have an enduring guardianship for her, meaning if she were unable to make medical decisions I would on her behalf. Dad has enduring power of attorney, he will take care of her finances if she is no longer able to. Grandma has said she wishes to remain in her own home. I would love to make this happen, but she isn't very accepting of her need for help with things like housework (she has a bad shoulder) and keeps putting off talking to GP about accessing services... It is difficult. I would take her in, but my parents have recently extended and my bro and SIL and their son are there. I imagine they would be kicked out if Grandma needed to not live on her own.

In summary, yes, I would take in parents/in-laws, but my circumstances mean it is more a hypothetical than practical yes.

AbsOfCroissant · 09/08/2010 13:45

I have contemplated this as well. My parents aren't wealthy, by any stretch of the imagination, and I am concerned what's going to happen with them once they can't work, and it does needed to be discussed (but we're one of those families where you do not discuss finances. I once tried discussing DM's pension with her once, and found out that she was completely clueless and felt "that I was never meant to have a pension").

I suppose I would take them in if needed, but I know DM and I would fight ALL the time about stuff, so it may end up quite fraught. I'm hoping as the youngest one of my siblings would step in and take them on, but we'll see. As DP and I are also planning on moving to a different continent to my parents, that confounds matters further ...

pranma · 09/08/2010 13:58

My dd has already said she would want me to live with them if need be.So has my ds but he lives in Turkey so I dont think I could do that.

ArseHolio · 09/08/2010 14:07

Honestly, I'd take in my parents in an instant but not mil and fil. I just couldn't live with them. I love them but id leave home if dh ever asked them to live with us.

sue52 · 09/08/2010 14:22

This is a real issue for me. I am 58, DH is 63 and we have a 14 year old . My mum is 86 and my Dad 94, they live in their own home. Recently my Dad has become rather forgetful leaving the oven on, yhe front door open, small things that add up. My Mother who has always been very healthy has gradually started to lose weight and have health worries. I think that sooner rather than later they will need to rethink their living arrangements. I know the right thing to do would be to ask them to live with us, we have the space and I am lucky enough to be able to afford domestic help, however DH and I will be nearing retirement and we would like a few years of travel and relaxation while we are young enough to enjoy them. This is a problem shared by many people our age and there is no easy solution...

Mahraih · 09/08/2010 14:27

Just my mother left of my parents. Would definitely take her in if I was able to (i.e. had the space etc) and had the choice, and have made this clear since I was about 15! She's always welcome, anywhere I live.

It's all down to relationship however, and whether having that person/those people in your home would have a detrimental effecton your quality of life. If DP hated the idea, I'd have to try and find a way of subsiding somewhere else for my mum.

As for PIL's ... assuming it's the current set i.e. DP's parents. I couldn't live with them now ... but if they were more ageing/vulnerable and really needed somewhere, and willing to be civil ... I could grit my teeth and offer.

It's horrid to see aging people suffering, I'd always feel like I had to do something.

Luckily, the latter situation will probably never happen though.

scrab806ble · 09/08/2010 14:32

Couldn't take anyone in, in present home. Would move to do it tho', if need arose. Would need some financial input tho( ie pil's) house would need to be sold to allow us to move to bigger to accomodate them. This may not sit well with other members of family waiting for windfall.
All that aside, if it came to it and could practically be done would not think twice. Is both my duty and my pleasure/priveledge.

diddl · 09/08/2010 14:34

Well, I think if they had a completely separate area I could probably bear do it.

But I couldn´t bear day in, day out with any of them-& I´m sure they feel the same.

CouldOfWouldOfShouldOf · 09/08/2010 14:42

My house isn't big enough for my Dad (only Parent I have and am lone parent) but his is for DD and I to move in, and as he is 85 it's possible he could need full time care before too long.

I will not be moving in with him or doing the care though.

For a start he wouldn't want that, but I still wouldn't.

I love him, but he's a moaning, curmudgeonly old git and even if I could put up with it, it wouldn't be fair on DD.

MerryMarigold · 09/08/2010 14:43

My Mum brought my Gran to live with them. It was planned, my Gran helped buy the house and choose it (many years before she actually moved in). It's only when she couldn't walk anymore and it was really too difficult for my Mum to care for her, that they have put her in a home. I have to say, a decent home is exhorbitant - I've been truly shocked. She was quite well off but her entire savings will go in 3 years, after which time my parents will have to start paying unless they move her into a state home.

I will definitely take care of my parents for as long as poss, partly because they have taken care of me, and partly because it actually costs ridiculous amounts of money to do it for more than a year or two.

Morloth · 09/08/2010 14:43

Yup and like you we are intending that our next house can cater for that.

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 14:45

It's a tricky one. My parents took in my Dad's mum when her marbles went AWOL - considering that my mum and my gran had never got on, this was very good of her, I feel. But my Dad wouldn't have had it any other way - and if the boot had been on the other foot he would have taken Mum's parents in as well.

As it happened, my mum's Dad didn't need taking in - he lived out his life in his own home until his final illness.

I think I would have had troubles living with my Mum if it had become necessary - and I think she would have done anything she could not to have to live with me! We rubbed each other up the wrong way. She would have done better with my sister.

My Dad - I would take him in but would need to have a "granny flat" for him, I think - or at least a separate suite of rooms for him to do his thing. But it won't happen - he won't come 10,500 miles around the world for me to look after him!

I did say something to the effect of "what would we do if MIL needed looking after" to DH the other day - we'd been watching something about nursing homes (ugh) and both agreed we'd never put her in one of those. She would drive me batty though - we'd need a separate suite/ flat for her as well.

SacharissaCripslock · 09/08/2010 14:47

I would take in my parents but over my dead body would my in-laws even step foot in my house ever again.

I was actually thinking of this topic only last week - wondering what I'd do if one or both my parents needed more care than I felt I was able to provide. Would I have them cared for elsewhere or have them home with me but pay for a nurse to come in? I hate the thought of them being so ill they needed a nurse and stuck in an old folks home of some kind.

My parents are in their early fifties so (touch wood!) this wont be an issue for a very long time.

Minxie1977 · 09/08/2010 14:54

I have had my dad live with me in the past. I love him dearly and he'd do the same for me. Thing is he gets on my tab end and treats me like a child - I respond accordingly and all hell breaks loose. I'd still have him here tomorrow and would rather resent his presence than feel guilty for turning him away.

diddl · 09/08/2010 15:16

OMG-I can see it happening-MIL ending up with us-payback for what I´ve said on here

crazykat · 09/08/2010 15:20

We had to live with my parents for the best part of 2 years while trying to get our own place to live and it drove all of us completely nuts. Only part of that was down to lack of space.

My parents are brilliant but I could never live with them again - we'd end up insane or killing each other. But we only live a two minute walk from them so I'd go up every day to cook/clean/tidy and get a nurse for them if it was needed.

I couldn't put them into a nursing home unless they needed 24hour care as there's no way I could do that with three kids and working (when I've qualified).

MrsC2010 · 09/08/2010 15:22

I have a very close family but even then I can't see us having parents living with us. My parents are very independent and fairly well off, I can't see either of them wanting to move in with us...I think they'd rather a nice retirement flat/complex/home type thing. My Granny is currently very ill and the debate is whether she needs a home, the question of her moving in with either my parents or my Aunt hasn't come up so I don't think it is a family expectation.

My MIL (FIL RIP)is older but equally independent and wealthy, can't see her wanting to either. DH has 3 brothers so there would be plenty of care going around as well.

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 15:24

I think the key to having a female relative live with you (seems to be less of an ishoo with males, can't think why) is that they need their own kitchen. More fights crop up over the kitchen than almost anywhere else, IME.

I couldn't have MIL pottering about in my kitchen - she babysat for DS last Friday and we still haven't found everything that she helpfully put away for us.

diddl · 09/08/2010 15:27

I get on OK with my Dad, but when he stays, I think he just doesn´t like not being "in control" -mealtimes are when I do them for example.

He likes doing what he wants when he wants.

TennisFan · 09/08/2010 15:34

My Gran (mum's mum) lived with our family for more than 10 years. I had left home for most of it as was student. She wasn't incapable of living alone, but she was lonely and it was more comfortable for her to live with our large family.

She loved it, there were plenty of visitors and always something going on. She had her own bedroom/bathroom etc.

She lived to be 96 and only the last few months was she 'old'.

However, towards the end she wouldn't go stay with her other 2 children who live nearby, so it was difficult for my Mum to get any time off for herself, or long holidays etc.

My parents have been generous to me and DH and I would offer to have them anytime - they are late 70's and planning to build their own house, so it doesn't look like it will be any time soon!

PosieParker · 09/08/2010 15:41

My father wouldn't and my Mother would if we had a separate place for her, ie a side extension but I would take them. My ILs took in my FILs mother but I wouldn't have either of them, not for a second. DH and have talked about it and I have said under no circumstances would either of them be welcome to live with us. Seriously tough though because if FIL died MIL would have to stay for a few days, DH is an only child (another reason to have more than one) and she'd have nowhere to go.

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