to think that this particular fantasy/fetish is always a bit wrong? (potentially sensitive)

[ThatGirlSarah]

Sorry, didn't want to put the details in the title, owing to the subject matter. I am a lurker here, only just registered!

Is a rape fantasy always wrong?

I'm basically asking because someone I met earlier this year has talked about this with me. There is a backstory, we have been involved (although not physically, more as friends with a spark if that makes sense?) and he has admitted to me that he likes to push physical boundaries. Eventually, he said his ultimate fantasy is rape. Now, I know for a fact that he is referring to a set up scenario (like any sexual fantasy, dressing up as a nurse or a bus conductor or whatever) and that he is not going to go out and rape a woman, but I also know that he is very into sexual dominance (although this is also only in a set up situation) and tying women up etc.

Like I said, we are not physically involved, I have never been so with him, but hypothetically speaking, if someone you knew or were involved with was to admit this to you, would you be worried, or would you take it as just a fantasy and no indication of anything else? There is absolutely nothing in his character to indicate he would ever harm a women, I suppose I'm just wondering where this type of fantasy comes from?

Any thoughts? TIA.

You answered your own question - 'into sexual dominance'

Thanks for your answer! Do you think that means something outside the bedroom though?

Heck, it's an incredibly common fantasy for men and women. Usually the fantasy doesn't involve any actual violence, it's more like those stupid action movies where the hero forces himself on the beautiful spy - who instantly melts to his lingering kiss.

The thinking is that those fantasies are more about relinquishing responsibility than power. If your mate's fantasies involve hurting the other person (or being hurt) then I, for one, would keep a wide berth & cross him off my Xmas card list.

This is only the way I understand it, but crimes like rape start off as a fantasy at first, and then escalate through role play type of sexual encounters, until that's not enough and the person actually carries out a rape.

But to say that a rapist starts off fantasising about rape, is not the same as saying every person who fansasises about rape is going to go on to become a rapist.

As I said though, this is only how I gather it as I haven't studied the subject at a really indepth level.

Hmmm, this is all food for thought. If he wanted to set up a scenario where the woman was involved from the start and he ended up raping her (with her prior consent) is that still an acceptable part of the fantasy? I don't think he has done this (yet) btw. Sorry to ask so many questions, I'm just really confused about what is really okay and what crosses the line. He has admitted he finds pain erotic, but never clarified the meaning of that. Hmmm still don't know what to think tbh.

Thanks everyone for your answers.

Just remembered a scene from long ago: I was having a similar conversation to yours with someone I considered a close friend. He went on to describe, in his fantasy, seeing the fear on the woman's face. I ran this past an experienced policeman in my family. Without hesitation, he said "He's a rapist. If he hasn't raped yet, he will."

That illustrates the difference between a role-play fantasy and a dangerous one.

Yes, if it's about him using a fantasy as an excuse to hurt you, it is clearly wrong. As a consensual fantasy of him feeling powerful, but respecting your boundaries, I am less worried. Lots of women have fantasies which aren't so much about being raped but about relinquishing responsibility. If he was agreeing to participate in that, it would be more palatable, but I would be a bit careful if I were you.

"he ended up raping her (with her prior consent)" If she's consented, it's not rape. Simples.

It's role play. They should have a "stop word".

Actually, thinking about it a bit more- be very cautious. It is one thing sharing fantasies like his after you've slept together many times and developed a close intimate relationship. It really is something that, in my opinion, you would only share after becoming very trusting and caring sexually together. As something that a man you have never slept with before brings up- well, I think it's probably inappropriate at best, and a scary red flag at worst.

For me, pain doesn't belong with any kind of love. But, neurologically speaking, pain and orgasm are ver similar. The brain floods with endorphins in response to pain, just as it does during orgasm.

There are fine lines all over the place here - ones which I'm not interested in discovering - but it's not really that unusual for people to enjoy a bit of consenting pain along with their sex.

Hope that's been some use, anyway ...

I really appreciate all your answers, thank you so much for this, I realise it's not the nicest subject in the world....

I suppose I'm feeling a bit unnerved. This is someone I could've got involved with but haven't. This wasn't the reason, but I suppose it's stopped me from pushing harder to make something happen with him. There is a geographical distance between us, that's the main reason we never really got together. But now, this is making me think I shouldn't go there even if I could. Just in case.

The main worry for me is that someone who has a rape fantasy in mind (even if I don't do it, which I could never really see myself doing tbh), well, it's indicative of something in their personality. I suppose I find it hard to think that someone would go to that extreme, sexually speaking, and for there to be nothing in their everyday life to indicate or reflect it. Does that make any sense at all?

Again, sorry for the questions, but you lovelies on here seem awesome at answering questions :).

I would agree with BOF. He sounds like he's setting boundaries now which sound 'reasonable', but when those boundaries shift onto a higher level, you may feel as though you 'consented' to those levels because he told you he thought like that before you'd even had sex.

Which to me sounds as though he may be contriving it that way.

Add me to BOF and AZZ.

I recognise this. My ex never exactly told me that he had a rape fantasy, but I sensed it in what he did with me in bed, and I went along with it, partly because I was young and naive and just wanted to please him and partly because women being submissive in sex is so culturally engrained that sometimes it just feels 'right'. Anyway, he eventually became a bit abusive and for a long time I didn't do anything about it because I felt it was 'my fault' because I went along with that sort of thing in the beginning.

So I would just be a bit careful and don't do anything you're not 100% comfortable with.

You're all giving really good advice, thank you for this!

See, I know if my best friend came to me and said that a person she had just met had told her he was into rape fantasies, I wouldn't wait to hear the circumstances or the motivations, I'd tell her to run for the hills and if she didn't, I'd drag her there myself. But I'm sort of thinking situations aren't black and white, and I'm challenging my own views (which I suppose is a good thing, being openminded and all that).

Is it possible he had a really fucked up childhood where violence was normal and this is how he's working through that? I don't know....perhaps I'm overthinking it....

It might be part of the reason, but I wouldn't say he's working through it. More like he's keen on acting it out and/or getting revenge on other people.

Your instincts have been telling you something. Listen.

This is something I'm quite interested in too.
Not sexually, mind, but the psychology of sexual domination and submission.
Have always found it rather odd that there's plenty of research and ideas about why a woman (or man for that matter) may come to adopt a submissive role sexually but there's very, very little about what makes a man want to dominate and hurt his partner (when not an indicator of general abuse that is).

Stayfrosty is spot on. And funny too.

The weird thing is Grace, I don't feel afraid of him, even when he said it I didn't. Now I'm wondering if I should. My instincts are telling me this is weird, but that hasn't crossed over to fear. I'm not sure I could trust him though. It's hard to explain....

FWS that's a lot of my problem with it I think. I simply can't get my head around the concept. I find it hard to believe he has come to this fantasy without something happening to put it there. It seems a bit too extreme for that. Am I too sheltered?!

I recommend a read of this book

I'm not shouting troll or anything, but you say you've only just registered and normally lurk, but then put TIA at the end, I'm sure I've seen that at the end of an OP before.

Although of course that doesn't mean you're her of course, just unusual to have two posters putting it?

Soooooooo does that mean that a bloke who likes his partner to dress up as a schoolgirl harbours secret desires for little girls??