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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this particular fantasy/fetish is always a bit wrong? (potentially sensitive)

99 replies

ThatGirlSarah · 06/08/2010 23:21

Sorry, didn't want to put the details in the title, owing to the subject matter. I am a lurker here, only just registered!

Is a rape fantasy always wrong?

I'm basically asking because someone I met earlier this year has talked about this with me. There is a backstory, we have been involved (although not physically, more as friends with a spark if that makes sense?) and he has admitted to me that he likes to push physical boundaries. Eventually, he said his ultimate fantasy is rape. Now, I know for a fact that he is referring to a set up scenario (like any sexual fantasy, dressing up as a nurse or a bus conductor or whatever) and that he is not going to go out and rape a woman, but I also know that he is very into sexual dominance (although this is also only in a set up situation) and tying women up etc.

Like I said, we are not physically involved, I have never been so with him, but hypothetically speaking, if someone you knew or were involved with was to admit this to you, would you be worried, or would you take it as just a fantasy and no indication of anything else? There is absolutely nothing in his character to indicate he would ever harm a women, I suppose I'm just wondering where this type of fantasy comes from?

Any thoughts? TIA.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/08/2010 01:16

quite, octopus.

If one of my friends told me this, I would not be letting him walk me home/be within 50 yards of me any more.

There's two aspects to this really, the fact that he thinks rape is sexy for one, but also the fact that he wants to tell you all about it. The second makes him seem even more scary.

Original poster
ThatGirlSarah · 07/08/2010 01:17

Grace I am definitely going to read more on this. As above, you've all made me realise that if the opportunity to meet up came about (at the moment it's still not really possible because of both our work situations) it's not a good idea. He might be very normal but he might not be. The doubt, and what you all have said, is enough to make me say 'no'. It shouldn't have taken MN to make me say that, but I'm glad I'm thinking that now anyway.

I do, however, think this has raised some quite interesting points I didn't consider before and I will certainly be looking at buying that book.

As for the knives....I know there's some weird stuff out there online, but I didn't realise it got that weird....Shock

OP posts:
Iloveclimbinghills · 07/08/2010 01:20

Hobgoblin that made me whince.

OP I think the fact that this man barely knows you should sent out huge alarm bells unless you have been having very explicit discussions about sexual fantasies and his command of the English language is poor so he confuses dominance for rape. I am being charitable here - tbh I would run a mile.

I totally get sexual dominance. In my real life I am a dominating person. Sometimes I like to be dominated in the bedroom but that is with my consent and with a man I am married to and have known for a decade. But if he were to share with me that he had a rpae fantasy - he would be in the spare room.

StayFrosty · 07/08/2010 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hobbgoblin · 07/08/2010 01:36

Sorry. Didn't mean to offend anyone reading. It had the same effect on me at the time. I didn't know 'regular' people watched that sort of thing either. He was into Land Rovers and so so boring and straight in every other respect. I was quite, um, naughty and perhaps he was trying to out shock me or something. Whatever, if it was an alarm bell to me - despite what I've said about the origins of fantasies being myriad - it should be one to anyone unless like everyone says it is at a point in the relationship where both want to take exploration of BDSM further.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/08/2010 01:42

Bloody right, SF. Have sex with one or two of the nice ones - you know, the ones where you don't have to keep a gun under the pillow.

Presumably he's had to work hard to acquire all kinds of charming qualities to make up for the fact that abuse is his idea of light entertainment. Ignore him and find someone who finds rape as abhorrent as you do (maybe keep that question til the second date though...)

good luck Grin

Original poster
ThatGirlSarah · 07/08/2010 01:45

Thank you guys. I keep saying it, but I appreciate so much that you've all talked to me about this. The weird and (not so) wonderful world of dating huh? Hmm

I am going to muse on the subject overnight I think....if I have any interesting thoughts, I will return with them in daylight! Grin

OP posts:
TakeLovingChances · 07/08/2010 08:16

TGS - it seems to me that this man told you his rape fantasy to test you.

As others have said, rape is about power and fear as well as physical pain. IMO, he wanted to see your reaction when he told you as a way to suss you out.

I don't see any other reason he'd open up about such a horrible fantasy unless that was the case.

And yes, your thread title says it all really. It is always a bit wrong. A lot wrong.

gtamom · 07/08/2010 08:37

I totally agree with above poster, he is testing the waters. If you are not interested in rape sex, loose his number.

sorky · 07/08/2010 08:58

I would find it odd that you are both discussing sexual fantasies at this level of openess without actually being physically intimate.

In a safe, consenting relationship the actual fantasy would not be weird and I'd be surprised if it had any other meaning than the BDSM slant. To someone with rather Vanilla tendencies it probably will look much more serious/sinister.

What someone gets turned on by is entirely personal, either it's something you're okay with and that's fine or it isn't and you let them know.

There is no deep psychological probing required really, he gets off by dominating his partner, with consent presumably, since he's testing the waters by discussing it with you.

However, in all situations, if your instinct says no, for other reasons as well as the sexual incompatibility, then you should walk away, imo.

Claire236 · 07/08/2010 09:43

I would say that domination is a fairly common fantasy. Usually within a long term trusting relationship though.

Fantasising about hurting & frightening someone however is totally out of order however anyone tries to justify it.

Trust your instincts. They're the best self defence there is.

moonstorm · 07/08/2010 10:50

The only thing I would add to this is the fact that most people are not raped by strangers, but by people they know...

Morloth · 07/08/2010 10:52

Creepy dude is creepy.

Onetoomanycornettos · 07/08/2010 11:34

I would run a mile if someone mentioned it after a couple of dates. I agree with all of those who say that he's sounding you out to see if you run (cue to run, if you ask me) or accept it as your 'secret'. I dated a lot of frogs before I met my prince, and the worst I came across was a guy with a shoe fetish (quite enjoyable, actually if you like shoes) and the odd mention of dominance (but not rape). That's not to say that rape isn't a common fantasy for women (no idea if it is for men) but just very odd to mention it up front and I can only guess at the reason (again, cue to run).

SolidGoldBrass · 07/08/2010 11:43

Elephants: No, she shouldn't 'let him start feeling her up' - she's allowed to walk away too. WHat I meant is, if you decide someone's not for you, you don't carry on prying and digging at them to explain themselves, you walk away.
AgentZigzag, yes some people's behaviours escalate, others don't. But at the same time, it's not on to start condeming people entirely just for their thoughts. People are allowed to think whatever they like, and should only be stopped/punished if their actions harm others.

Peabody · 07/08/2010 11:59

Can I add something into this discussion? How do we feel about women who have rape fantasies? Perhaps I should phrase that as 'ravishing' fantasies but I understand it's quite a common thing for woman to fantasise about.

StayFrosty · 07/08/2010 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jasonthunderpants · 07/08/2010 12:06

wow thats a bit strong
My fantasys involve dw on all fours saying baaa with a sheepskin rug on her back and the other one is her dressing up like Penelope K by the way from Cbeebies

Onetoomanycornettos · 07/08/2010 12:07

Peabody, I actually agree with SGB that having boundary pushing fantasies isn't a crime and shouldn't be seen as necessarily linked to wanting to act them out, women included. My issue in this particular scenario is him mentioning such a taboo topic after a couple of dates, and not in the more usual dominance language. I would just not want to get involved with someone who wanted me to know this upfront, as I can only imagine he does want to incorporate some boundary-pushing in the bedroom (which the OP doesn't seem up for). If a (hypothetical) partner of many years, who you'd had sex with (in a mutually agreeable way) mentioned they sometimes had rape fantasies, I wouldn't particularly care, although I would be horrified if they sought this out say in viewing violent porn (knowing how it's made). But he's new on the scene, and announcing up front about his rape fantasies, and I agree with the posters who say she doesn't need to over-analyse why he's not right, she should just move on to someone more compatible.

kelly2525 · 07/08/2010 12:09

Im registered on one or two sites that would horrify my mother, and i think im pretty open minded, and ive heard the rape fantasy off one guy before, and i just think its wrong, partly because what happens when you fullfill those fantasies? You`d need more, something better, something more exciting, and in my mind after living out that particular fantasy theres only one place left for him to go, and thats doing it for real. Obviously youre already hearing alarm bells, listen to them

missmoopy · 07/08/2010 12:15

Fantasies are strange old things and it is up to consenting adults what they get up to in bed, or wherever else for that matter!! BUT rape fantasies would be a huge red flag for me - it is about humiliation, control and violence against a woman. If he is turned on by that then I would be somewhat concerned. Men who do actually rape women start off by fantasising.

Malificence · 07/08/2010 12:17

Surely the whole point of a fantasy (as I understand it) is that it's something you would never actually want to do in real life?
It's a safe way of exploring the darkest side of human nature, if someone has the intent to carry out an act then it's not a fantasy.

I would think that a rape scenario fantasy is one of the most common ones for women, I seriously doubt if any women go out in an unsafe area actually wanting to be attacked though.
If my husband came up behind me in the dark ( and I knew it was him), put his hand over my mouth and said "don't scream", it would illicit a very different response to another man doing it.

Peabody · 07/08/2010 12:18

I don't disagree with all the well-argued posts about how the OP should beware. I'm just trying to think this through, really.

A man told me once that he fantasised about spanking women because he'd seen how much some women enjoy this, so integral to his fantasy is that he is giving lots of pleasure to the woman.

I do see that rape is completely different. But as this man seems to be into BDSM, and says he finds pain erotic, is it possible that his previous (positive sexual) experiences have coloured his sexual desires?

(Disclaimer: I'm just asking. I'm not sure about this myself).

missmoopy · 07/08/2010 12:19

I agree, but fantasies can also be a way of testing out things PRIOR to trying them in RL. I have worked with sex offenders and have some insight. I am not saying ALL men who have rape fantasies are rapists but it would be a huge turn off/warning sign for me.

Original poster
ThatGirlSarah · 07/08/2010 12:28

Hi everyone, me again :).

I've read the overnight updates and nothing has changed for me. I think in hindsight I was probably looking for confirmation I shouldn't go near this guy again. The group verdict seems right, the fact that he's raising this subject when we've not even slept together, well that's just not feeling quite right with me. He may just be honest, but my gut is saying that there's enough doubt (in my mind as well as everyone elses) to steer clear. I'll try to get round to emailing him this weekend and letting him know I won't meet up, although I'll probably not say it's because of this. There's enough distance between us for it to be plausible for there to be other reasons to not stay in contact. I'm still going to do some more reading though, the psychology of the situation interests me enough to find out more!

Thanks again everyone :).

OP posts: