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Original poster

to be upset and miffed that my 'bestfriend' is ignoring me and has deleted me from facebook because I told her I was pregnant!!

118 replies

adamandbump · 04/08/2010 23:00

I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago and who do you so desperately want to tell first? - Your bestfriend (in my case anyway!)

She already has two healthy children with her previous bf and is now trying for a baby wwith her dh. Theyve been trying for just over a year and I have been really supportive.

I told her via text...like all my other pals tthat i was pregnant and really happy and said that i hope she was happy for me.

Shes ignored me so far and ive found out this evening that shes deleted me from facebook.

Ive always been there for her and incredibly supportive when noone has....I feel like i should feel guilty over becoming pregnant but my dp says that shes just jealous and incredibly selfish. Shes nasty to anyone who has anything more than her and is always cutting you off mid convo to talk about her.

Is her ignorance a blessing and an escape from an incredibily selfish person, or should i feel guilty for being pregnant whens he isnt? I broke the news as sensitively as possible and i had to tell her...as she is my head brides maid and i dont think a surprise bump would have gone down well with my best mate!

upset and grrrr at being treated like this!

OP posts:
sanielle · 05/08/2010 09:42

"I hope you are happy for me" should be in quotes not my whole sentence!

tegan · 05/08/2010 09:42

i think your friend is being selfish and should grow up. obviously not the friend you thought she was

shockers · 05/08/2010 09:49

Sometimes folk need a little time to come to terms with things. I suspect she didn't want to put a dampner on your news by feeling horrid about it so she's sticking her head in the sand for a while.

I also think the "I hope you're happy for me" line was a little insensitive on your part. It sounds like you're talking to a petulant child.

sanielle · 05/08/2010 09:53

Crap I had to stop watching that video. Crying my eyes out duelingfanjo

DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2010 09:55

sorry sanielle I should have put a warning on it. The music makes it more emotional I think. I do find it so inspiring though.

MrsC2010 · 05/08/2010 09:55

When I found out I was pregnant my first thought outside of my husband and I was my best friend, as she is desperate for children but they're not in a position to try yet. I knew she'd be happy for me, but equally I knew it would be bitter sweet for her. As such, despite her being in Thailand I phoned her (had to wait up for the right time to phone) to tell her as in person as I could before telling other friends later on. She was shocked, happy, jealous, a bit sad all at the same time. I can't imagine telling her int he way you told your friend, if she really is your best friend a little more consideration could have been used.

But, she is reacting petulantly. However instead of getting cross with her maybe try talking to her. Maybe she is genuinely emotionally struggling with TTC more than you realised?

Ragwort · 05/08/2010 09:56

Yet another reason for being hopelessly old fashioned and not using either text or facebook !! I am still functioning, have lots of friends and a good social life !

teameric · 05/08/2010 09:58

Haven't read all of this thread, but can't quite get how the OP and this woman are "best friends".
When I found out I was pg with my DD, it wasn't long after my best friend had miscarried. I wanted her to be the first person to hear the news because she would have wanted to be, but I wasn't sure how to approach her with it,but I couldn't not tell her. Unfortunately it had to be done over the phone as we live quite far away from each other.
I wasn't expecting her to do cartwheels, we spoke about it at length, how she felt, how I felt, she wasn't over the moon about it, but she said she felt selfish for not being happy for me, I felt guilty for being pg but, in the end our relationship wasn't harmed one bit cos we talked about it.
Luckilly she went on to get pg with her DS and has just had her 4th DC! .
Sorry for rambling but I'm just amazed how the OP could even class herself as a best friend

MrsC2010 · 05/08/2010 10:02

meant to say that she did go a little quiet on me for a little while, but I get that and she was entitled to deal with things in her own way. All good now though! I think she is as impatient for the arrival (4 days overdue and counting) as I am.

MmeLindt · 05/08/2010 10:13

Dueling
What a powerful film.

5DollarShake · 05/08/2010 10:14

Can't imagine texting my best friend to tell her I was pregnant, nor her me.

I'd had 2 m/cs in quick succession when my best friend told me in person that she was pregnant. I was so delighted for her, whilst also being sad for us (I was actually 6 weeks pg at the time, but totally fearful it was going to go the same way as the others - luckily it didn't).

If she had tacked on, 'I hope you're happy for me', it would have been a total slap in the face, and taken all my feelings of goodwill away.

Luckily she has a clue and didn't say anything like that.

emptyshell · 05/08/2010 10:20

That film had me in tears because it's so bloody true (I actually told hubby he should leave me for a woman who could give him the child he'd be a fantastic father to at one point)... good tears, not bad ones because it really does tell it exactly like it is.

I hit meltdown last week when I found out my SiL is pregnant - it IS excruciating, and I do delete/hide people on facebook - I have to because it's an act of self-protection. Because of how FB is set up - there's no option to stop gallery photos showing up on friends' feeds (I'd love an on/off toggle for this - would make the site load faster for one thing) and scan photos and the like are incredibly painful if you're trying for one that's elluding you.

The "I hope your happy for me" part of the text WAS insensitive. Infertility can rob you of the ability to feel joy or empathy toward others - hell, anger and stubborness have been all that got me out of bed sometimes in the past. It's hard - if you know someone's struggling with it (even if it's secondary infertility), and if you're a good friend - you really have to handle breaking the news to them carefully, let them drift away and grieve a bit more (every announcement is like someone pouring acid into your own wounds), and then let them come back of their own accord. I know how hard it is on both sides - I'm about to tell a friend who I know very well from the infertility journey that I'm pregnant again, I'm telling her first, before anyone else, right when it's still touch and go (I've got cramps, I'm not 100% sure this lil bugger's gonna stay put) but I'm trying to do it with care and consideration for her feelings - even if it means I have to put a lid on my own somewhat.

That's what friendship is - a two way street.

DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2010 10:32

Oh Gosh Emptyshell - are you pregnant? I have seen your posts here and if you are I am SO PLEASED for you.

emptyshell · 05/08/2010 10:34

I am, but getting lots of stomach cramps which the doc didn't seem too worried about so I'm not getting hopes up.

Must be semi-official though - I have a Bounty pack!

DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2010 10:39

Oh Congratulations. Hopefully the cramping is just the embryo settling in. Wishing you all the luck

hocuspontas · 05/08/2010 10:44

Texts and Facebook - the Devil's own bollocks!!!! TALK TALK TAAAAAAALK!! There is no emotion in bitesize chunks of print. Neither of these women have any idea of what the other is feeling since the 'news'. Pick up the phone OP and TALK.

babybouncer · 05/08/2010 10:44

A friend of mine was TTC for only a few months and when her sister fell pregnant a few months before her she found it very difficult. While she was happy for her, she needed a little time just to be upset and jealous and to generally feel that life was unfair, before she could really get back to being a good sister, but was then able to be very supportive and enthusiastic.

Knowing that your friend was ttc, you needed to just be a little more thoughtful and not just treat her like everyone else. Deleting you from facebook seems a little petty, but maybe she feels it's necessary to keep her sanity for a little while.

Friendships work when you work at them - talk to her.

Aitch · 05/08/2010 10:46

emptyshell. fingers quietly crossed.

hocuspontas · 05/08/2010 10:48

babybouncer - was I just seeing things? Was your word 'work' in green and underlined twice?

Only when I refreshed it was back to normal

MmeLindt · 05/08/2010 10:50

Emptyshell
I will be crossing my fingers for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy. How far along are you?

BongoWinslow · 05/08/2010 10:53

"so why get her knickers in a twist just because her friend gets pg."

Because miscarrying and not being able to get pregnant feels like shit and when someone else gets pg it feels worse. It shouldn't, but it does. Even if you already have kids, that doesn't mean it's not hideous to try every month, pee on that sodding stick, pray for the second line, not see it, feel gutted and then have to pick yourself up again. And again. And again.

Or you get PG, feel thrilled, then a few weeks later it all falls apart. So you try again. And again. And it just goes on and on.

So yeah, I reckon it's hard to feel as happy as you might want to for someone who gets pg easily when you're feeling rubbish.

I think OP you made a mistake by sending her a text, but an understandable one.

I'd phone and talk to her and expect her to be a bit bitter but if she's a real friend she'll get over it. But I suspect she needs to vent a bit but don't take it personally.

I had 3 MCs over a year and my friends who did get pg were all very sensitive about it, which was good (although made it worse). But after the 3rd I really couldn't stand to be around pregnant women. I'd silently curse them in the street because I'd feel like a failure every time I saw someone with a lovely big pregnant belly. It would remind me of how useless I felt and bring all the sad feelings back up again. I had to decline invitations to things where friends who were newly pg would be. But I explained it to them and they understood. If I'd gone, I'd just have got upset.

I think your friend is just upset, she'll get over it, but I'd give her a day or two and then phone. And just don't gush at her about your baby, let it be about her just a little bit for now - you've got loads of time to be happy about your pg, mostly likely with her but just give her a little time to get used to it.

If she still doesn't come around, then I'd just give her some space for a while.

stillfrazzled · 05/08/2010 11:03

Emptyshell, I've read lots of your posts and you're so eloquent about your pain you've brought tears to my eyes

You've just done it again - in a good way. Will be keeping fingers crossed that this is indeed a sticky one.

capricorn76 · 05/08/2010 11:20

To be honest I think she has over-reacted by deleting you from Facebook but I can understand why she would be angry.

Texting is a cold form of communication and what you thought you said or intended to say may not have been interpreted in the same way by her.

What I mean is this; you said that you were pregnant and were really happy and hoped she was happy for you also. She probably read it as you saying 'I'm pregnant, I'm really happy for myself and hope you have it in you to be happy for me because I believe you may not be'. The fact that you said that you hoped she was happy for you implied that you were accusing her of potentially not being happy for you which makes her look like a nasty bitch plus it also looked like you were being a bit smug.

I too would've been angry if you had sent that. I know you didn't mean it to come across that way but that's the problem with emails and texts, they can be interpreted to mean something different which is why if you have serious news to tell someone, you should call them as its more personal and there is no misinterpretation of what the person means or if there is you can fix it during the conversation.

Also it doesn't matter if she already has two kids, she wants another one with her new husband and has been trying for a year, you should've called her.

Give her a call now.

capricorn76 · 05/08/2010 11:21

Oh by the way forgot to say congratulations on the pregnancy, sorry!!

StrictlyTory · 05/08/2010 12:13

Let's be honest, being told 'you should be happy for me' essentially is a sure fire way of making someone feel the total opposite!

I can't believe people actually say things like that to their 'friends'. Very odd.