Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset and miffed that my 'bestfriend' is ignoring me and has deleted me from facebook because I told her I was pregnant!!

118 replies

adamandbump · 04/08/2010 23:00

I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago and who do you so desperately want to tell first? - Your bestfriend (in my case anyway!)

She already has two healthy children with her previous bf and is now trying for a baby wwith her dh. Theyve been trying for just over a year and I have been really supportive.

I told her via text...like all my other pals tthat i was pregnant and really happy and said that i hope she was happy for me.

Shes ignored me so far and ive found out this evening that shes deleted me from facebook.

Ive always been there for her and incredibly supportive when noone has....I feel like i should feel guilty over becoming pregnant but my dp says that shes just jealous and incredibly selfish. Shes nasty to anyone who has anything more than her and is always cutting you off mid convo to talk about her.

Is her ignorance a blessing and an escape from an incredibily selfish person, or should i feel guilty for being pregnant whens he isnt? I broke the news as sensitively as possible and i had to tell her...as she is my head brides maid and i dont think a surprise bump would have gone down well with my best mate!

upset and grrrr at being treated like this!

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 05/08/2010 00:04

Mme it took me more than 3 years to get pg with my 2nd so i think i know how it feels.

others got pg in that time ie cousins and mates.

and i was happy for them.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 05/08/2010 00:08

So you think everyone feels about everything exactly the same way as you and that it's unreasonable for anyone to have a different emotional reaction?

Tiredmumno1 · 05/08/2010 00:12

Erm no but she shouldnt have to hide her good news.

so op congrats once again enjoy the pregnancy and your baby when he/she arrives. good luck and best wishes

Ladyanonymous · 05/08/2010 00:18

Infertility is heartbreaking and really emotive.

Lets not argue about that ladies?

Whenever I got pregnant I always went out of my way to phone my friend and any other friends I had who I knew would feel icky about it - so texting was insensitive and the OP needs to figure that out with her friend.

But surely this can't turn into a competition as to who felt the worst about not being able TC

Tiredmumno1 · 05/08/2010 00:27

No competition on my part

more the point of being allowed my own opinion, just because some others dont agree. is not my problem. i thought we were allowed our own opinions.

i just feel sorry for the op a bit, that she has had some lovely news. but is getting a hard time about it. i just hope it hasnt upset her

MadameDefarge · 05/08/2010 00:43

well, I certainly don't think telling your friend by text you are pregnant is telling her in the most sensitive way possible, whatever you think.

The fact you think this was the most sensitive way to do it speaks volumes, as well as the backtracking from best friend to something less than best friend.

She is clearly hurt, and I think, understandably. probably not about you being pregnant, though that is a factor, but because you knew she was sensitive to this issue, so rather than communicate with her face to face, or on the phone, you chose to send a text. Blimey. I'd be pissed off too. Texting is for teenagers when it comes to important information, not for adults.

BitOfFun · 05/08/2010 00:50

I completely agree with MmeDeFarge. The texting was insensitive, and secondary infertility is very painful. She hasn't exactly covered herself in glory, but you are also at fault here and could do with making amends if you are the bigger person.

pigletmania · 05/08/2010 08:26

Come to think of it I do agree with MadameDF, and the text was not sensitive either, 'hope that you are happy for me' what the hell, its something that someone says to you, not the other way round. Sounds very selfish and self indulgent to me, not a deletable from FB offence, though. You are both at fault, you with your insensitive text, if she is your close friend you should have phoned her personally, and her because of the way she has reacted to you.

Beattiebow · 05/08/2010 08:34

I have been ttc for some time, have other dcs but would be upset if my best friend sent me that text. So you were unreasonable IMO .

As for deleting you, that was a bit extreme, but fb is the work of the devil anyway and people should not conduct their relationships through it if they want to maintain them .

So you should show more compassion and she needs to get a new friend I think.

teaandcakeplease · 05/08/2010 08:36

For once I agree with Skidoodl, perhaps I wouldn't have worded it quite the same but I agree with her wholeheartedly.

Perhaps your friend is hurting that she is struggling to get pregnant and was worried that she'd have updates on your fb status about your pregnancy for 9 months everyday whilst she is struggling to conceive, so she deleted in you in the heat of the moment. She could of course have hidden your status updates instead but I suspect it was all heat of the moment.

I do think the way you worded the original text was a bit and it would have hurt her.

Please ring her or go and talk to her and sort this out, if you value her friendship.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 05/08/2010 08:41

Why on earth did you text? Fgs ring her and apologise. You can delete from FB in a rush of anger, abdi suspect the poster suggesting she couldn't bare the idea of daily pregnancy status updates is right.

Really, the pair of you need to get together, talk and realise that sensitivity and support goes both ways.

DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2010 08:46

facebook is evil! Apparently.

I am quite careful about what I put on facebook (Scan pictures are only viewable to family for example) re my pregnancy because after months of trying and finally going through IVF I am really uber-aware that I could be upsetting someone who hasn't told me about their own fertility struggles.

Yes your friend has 2 kids already and yes she probably should be grateful for that but an inability to concieve when you really want to can hit someone very hard.

DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2010 08:47

watch this

gingernutlover · 05/08/2010 08:51

dont feel guilty for being pregnant

but the part of your text that says you hope she can be happy for you is incredibly insensitive bearing in mind she has been trying for a new baby for over a year. She isnt to know that you sent the same text to everyone

deleting you from facebook was OTT but you refusing to speak to her about it is OTT too.

Just phone her up and ask her what is wrong for goodness sake. If she is a total cow on the phone then fine, but at least you have been the bigger persona nd acted like an adult by bothering to check on her.

Megatron · 05/08/2010 08:53

I would never tell my 'best friend' that I was pregnant by text, especially if she was ttc. When I fell pregnant with my first my best friend had already had 6 miscarriages and ttc again, I went to see her and told her in person. She was very happy for me, but I know it was difficult for her. I would never have treated her any other way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP, maybe your 'bestfriend' feels that you could have been more sensitive and is hurt. If you want to continue your friendship, I would pick up the phone if I were you, if you really are of the opinion that she is nasty and selfish, then you're not really friends are you...

Aitch · 05/08/2010 08:54

oh gosh i cried.

Aitch · 05/08/2010 08:55

to df

teaandcakeplease · 05/08/2010 08:57

I've just cried my eyes out watching that Dueling. So sad

DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2010 09:02

I find it sad, but also so hopeful. Bits of it are a bit American (The adoption bit mostly) but I think it sums up all the things which run through the mind of someone who is infertile. Will my partner love me less or leave me, will I ever feel sexy again, will I ever get used to a childless life.

bbpants · 05/08/2010 09:06

When I got pregnant, I was very worried about telling one of my best friends who'd been TTC for years, and decided to tell her face to face. In hindsight, I think that was wrong, as it meant that she and her husband were struggling to put on a brave face in front of me. If I'd have emailed or texted, they could have got their frustration/anger/upset out in private.

So whether you think texting was wrong or right, face-to-face isn't always the right answer either. It's just a difficult situation.

Aitch · 05/08/2010 09:24

sure thing, but clearly a text demanding that the people are happy for you is a dumbass move. i have a friend who i told in an email, precisely so that she could take in the news herself, but you'd better believe that i was a darned sight more sensitive in what i wrote, acknowledging that she might or might not be happy about it.

scrab806ble · 05/08/2010 09:33

When I got pg was huge surprise to everyone (especially me) as took till I was 38 to meet DH. My sister otoh had been happily married for 20 years, trying ttc the whole time. I had to tell her by phone as live v far away, and did not want news to reach her before I did iyswim. She was first person I told. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I felt incredibly guilty. She was fantastic about it and been the best auntie to both my DDs.
Had I told her by text however...

pigletmania · 05/08/2010 09:37

Wonder where the op is I wonder if she is a bit about her 'sensitive text'

waitingforbedtime · 05/08/2010 09:39

Well I feel awful now, I texted everyone to let them know I was pregnant apart from parents. One of them lost a baby just about the time we would have conceived (but I didnt reveal pregnancy until 20 weeks), I felt awful about it but thought texting was the better way to go because when we were ttc I would much rather have had a text (and a little cry) than had to put a brave face on it (though I did anyways obviously).

I was always happy for others, I didnt wish they werent pregnant I just wished I was too iyswim?

Definitey unreasonable to ask people to be happy for you though, that would hurt me actuallly had I received that in a text.

sanielle · 05/08/2010 09:41

Sensitive is not a text to your friend having difficulty conceiving saying I am pregnant hope you are happy for me.

I find it odd that you said "I hope you are happy for me. It just seems weird to even say".

So I think YABU and owe your friend an apology. Congratulations on your pregnancy anyway though.