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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have lied to my husband..and arranged

122 replies

sanielle · 03/08/2010 13:16

for everyone else to lie to him to?

I had a gender scan today... So excited (really didn't have a preferance.. I just had to know. Hate suprises)

So I showed up early at the scan place (private as my local hospital won't tell you)

and told them I wanted to know, but I didn't want my husband to know. And that I was to go in and tell the ultrasound tech that we no longer wanted the baby sexed. When in fact he was to completly disregard that and sex the baby.. and I would call back later and find out.

I have to say the reason I didn't just say, tell me and not my husband is that DH is bvu and doesn't trust me to find out and not blab (which is kind of fair.. I am crap with secrets)

So am I being unresonable? I feel bad knowing when he doesn't know I know. And got the feeling everyone there thought I was insane.

OP posts:

activate · 03/08/2010 17:09

lying is not the most appropriate basis for a relationship - hardly rocket science is it?

having your first baby is a fundamental life-changing experience - even more so with fertility issues

bringing deceit into your pregnancy is not in my considered opinion a healthy relationship move

Sidge · 03/08/2010 17:14

Thw way I see it, it's not the knowing or not knowing that's any big deal, but the deceit involved.

I wouldn't blame him at all if he's really hurt and majorly pissed off with you. If you're so crap at keeping secrets anyway it will all end in tears.

ChippingIn · 03/08/2010 17:15

OMG you lied to us as well - sanielle isn't your real name

Hate to rain on your parade - but you're a bit naive if you think difficulty to conceive & 7 years together means you 'no longer have to worry if you're going to make it'.

2blessed2bstressed · 03/08/2010 17:23

Hmmm...congrats on your pregnancy and all...but sorry, I think you've been v v unreasonable. Don't think it's necessarily a relationship-ending disaster, but I do think it was pretty unfair of you.
But then again, I waited 9 months both times to find out the sex of my babies, and was happy and excited to do that along with my dh. I've never got why people feel the need to know beforehand and even call the bump by the name they've picked out.
We had more than one name for both genders each time, and when our ds's were born we decided which one they suited. ds no. 1 just didn't look like a Jack when he came out, so we went with one of our other choices, although that had previously been the hot favourite!

unfitmother · 03/08/2010 17:24

YABU and more than a little bit odd!

traceybath · 03/08/2010 17:33

I agree with Shiney.

I just don't see this as being such a big deal really.

DH didn't care either way as to whether we found out or not it was totally up to me.

And it certainly wouldn't have been a relationship deal-breaker.

I suspect that OP's DH knows her pretty well and this will probably turn into one of those family stories showing how impatient/excitable she is

Huge congratulations - you sound utterly delighted

Original poster

sanielle · 03/08/2010 18:00

Thanks to the well wishers.. and yes unfitmother.. I am a bit odd I never needed to ask AIBU that though.. could have asked DH.. he'd agree 100% with you

Thanks Tracey bath... DH already has quite a few of those stories!!

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 03/08/2010 18:24

I think you're very silly - both to have involved yourself in this farago of deceit and to have posted it on here. There are an awful lot of people reading this site - what's the betting somebody knows Danielle? , 27, from Essex, married for two years, ttc for years, been with her bloke since age 20, five months pregnant, bloke loves football and she had a gender scan today....

geordieminx · 03/08/2010 18:36

I think you should fess up. Really I do. I think he might be a bit cross and sulk for a few days but its better than lying to him for the rest of the pregnancy, hiding clothes and stuff, and keeping something big like this. You have already said that this baby has taken 3 years ttc, and will probably be your only, dont do anything to spoil it for either of you eh?

Oh and congratulations

LucyLouLou · 03/08/2010 18:43

OP, please don't think that my replies mean I'm not happy for you, because I am, this baby is obviously very wanted. But I really don't think you care what your husband feels, I think you just did something extremely selfish without thinking it through. I'm with geordieminx, tell him the truth now, apologise for doing something so underhand, and then enjoy the rest of your pregnancy free of this secret. You're walking on air at the moment, but when you settle down, you'll start to be careless and you almost certainly will let something slip. After all, you have already admitted you just wanted to tell people the gender.

GiddyPickle · 03/08/2010 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 03/08/2010 18:53

Hah, I wanted to find out and DH didn't went to the scan alone as it was during work hours.

It took me 20 seconds before I let slip that night.

Luckily DH knew I wouldn't be able to help myself and didn't really mind.

Casmama · 03/08/2010 19:11

Congratulations and its lovely that you sound so happy. I just really hope that you don't end up feeling really sad that you have deceived your dh in this way after everything you have gone through. Can you be sure that you won't feel it isolates you from him a bit when you are talking about the future for your child and you know something he doean't. What about the moment that she is born - will you not feel a twinge of guilt that you knew and he didn't?
I really think that you should tell him you know - to have this sort if duplicity during the most amazing time of your life is just horrible imo. Sorry.

teaandcakeplease · 03/08/2010 19:19

I feel very uncomfortable about the way you went about this and think YABU. Agree with Hecate, Pjama and getabloodygrip.

He will be upset when he finds out. What story will you make up for all the sudden influx of pretty pink clothes that you hide until the baby is born? Are you packing neautrals in your hospital bag only? And then when you get home suddenly producing all the pink clothes?

I think this will come back to bite you and this may actually upset him more than you think personally

getabloodygrip · 03/08/2010 19:26

teaandcakepleas perfectly put. That poor guy.

geordieminx · 03/08/2010 19:29

Imagine if he did this to you.

Spacehopper5 · 03/08/2010 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumeeee · 03/08/2010 20:38

YABU,

Oldjolyon · 03/08/2010 21:33

I was in the same situation as you - I wanted to know, but Dh didn't want to - he wanted to do the 'big announcement' so our compromise was that Dh and I both knew, but told everyone else that we didn't know, and tbh the secret was really not that hard to keep.

You will find that you'll refer to her a lot, and some people may pick up on that. I used to occasionally say 'him' just to throw people off the scent and I also said because I had DD1, I couldn't imagine having a boy. I also said because I was female, I just couldn't envisage a boy inside me. And people bought it. Have your excuse / reason ready :-)

If you buy girl clothes, tell your Dh they are hand me downs. I told my mum that the new clothes I bought for DD2 were in fact DD1s and she bought it.

When asked about names, make sure you debate boys names as thoroughly as girls names, and then there's really not much of a secret to keep.

In our case, only person worked out that we actually knew. Everyone else believed us when we just said we didn't want to know.

And Good luck.

Oblomov · 03/08/2010 21:42

I can't believe you did this. If one person wnats ot know and th eother doesn't then you .......
ask him to step outside near the end, so he doesn't hear and you do.... for example. but to go there before, feign, deceit etc etc. are you going to pretend you don't know. FOR THE WHOLE PREGNANCY ????
tell him tonight. confess, for gods sake woman !!

lemonysweet · 03/08/2010 21:45

what a great basis for a solid parenting team you will make.

gtamom · 04/08/2010 02:53

The news would have already exploded from me, if I were you. Your devious plan was like something from an I Love Lucy show. I do skip to the last page of books, and was an expert re-wrapper of presents. I did stop peeking at presents after the Christmas I had no surprises at all, as I had peeked at everything.
(Did you confess your crime yet?)

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