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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have lied to my husband..and arranged

122 replies

sanielle · 03/08/2010 13:16

for everyone else to lie to him to?

I had a gender scan today... So excited (really didn't have a preferance.. I just had to know. Hate suprises)

So I showed up early at the scan place (private as my local hospital won't tell you)

and told them I wanted to know, but I didn't want my husband to know. And that I was to go in and tell the ultrasound tech that we no longer wanted the baby sexed. When in fact he was to completly disregard that and sex the baby.. and I would call back later and find out.

I have to say the reason I didn't just say, tell me and not my husband is that DH is bvu and doesn't trust me to find out and not blab (which is kind of fair.. I am crap with secrets)

So am I being unresonable? I feel bad knowing when he doesn't know I know. And got the feeling everyone there thought I was insane.

OP posts:

Original poster

sanielle · 03/08/2010 13:43

Just the odd thing here and there Coral Toes..and will keep it well hidden from DH. As he thinks I don't know he won't be expecting it. Or looking for it! At the moment he has already bought about a 1000 baby england kits and england paraphanalia during world cup when it was widely available so I think I am going to have to buy a few nice things to counteract my little girl dressing like a football hooligan everyday for the first 6 months of her life.

OP posts:

silverfrog · 03/08/2010 13:44

agree that you don't seem to have thought this through properly - what things are you going to buy, now that you know it is a girl, that own't give away this fact to your dh?

if you are going to be buying unisex things, then you didn't need to know... if you are wanting to buy lots of flowery, girly stuff then it's not going to be much of a surprise to your dh, is it?

FWIW, we bought mostly unisex stuff for dd1, since I didn't know.

but then she didn't have that much stuff anyway - probably the most under-provisioned pfb ever (and I know how you feel wrt waiting for a baby - many congratulations. until I got pregnant with dd1, it seemed as though I was not able to have children - lots of years and surgery later, there she was!)

violethill · 03/08/2010 13:45

OMG I thought you sounded weird but he sounds even weirder, buying up masses of England football kit for an unborn child of unknown gender....

You two deserve eachother. I expect he's already phoned the clinic to check the gender anyway, so you'll spend the next few months trying to outwit eachother

Baileysismyfriend · 03/08/2010 13:45

I think YABU and a bit childish with the whole hating surprises thing but its up to you and I guess it isnt harming anyone...

AnyFucker · 03/08/2010 13:47

no, it isn't harming anyone

your excitement is palpable, congratulations, OP

have you thought of any names, yet ?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/08/2010 13:48

you're like a big kid, aren't you?

I bet you turn to the last pages of a book to find out how it ends before reading it.

I think going behind your husband's back is going to cause problems. You're supposed to be a team. If you wanted to know the gender, well, then you should have stood your ground. It's your baby too. If you have to go to these lengths to 'win' then I would have to ask why. Is he controlling? Are you passive agressive? Do you lack the ability to assert yourself?

And you know you are going to start calling the baby 'she'. Because now it is a girl in your mind there is no way you are going to call her 'it'. And everything you choose, everything you say, you'll have that in mind.

And names. Are you going to sit down with your husband and discuss boys names, knowing full well that it's a waste of time?

I think that you are a very impulsive, childish (but not in an insulting way) person. You just can't wait, everything is now now now. Waiting, is it torture for you?

You are going to struggle with this. You don't tell him and you will always know you did this. You tell him and he'll be furious.

And how are you going to keep this a secret when you admit you are so bad with them?

I think that you did this without thinking it through and it's going to bite you in the arse.

Original poster

sanielle · 03/08/2010 13:49

Thank you Silverfrog, Congrats on you pfb too. I like to belive if you wait long enough you are so happy that when they do get here they neer seem pooey, tiring or annoying, please tell me that is true

OP posts:

IngridFletcher · 03/08/2010 13:51

I anyone else hoping the scan is wrong and it is a boy?.....(evil cackle).

AnyFucker · 03/08/2010 13:52

Ingrid...shame on you

OP, that is a good point

You do realise that sexing a baby by scan is not 100% reliable, dontcha ?

SloanyPony · 03/08/2010 13:52

In a way I can understand this.

I always wanted to find out the sex and did. I suspect DH would have gone either way, and if I hadn't wanted to, would have waited.

But if he had really been ardently the opposite to me, I would have been tempted to have a secret scan to keep the peace. I would not have gone to the extent you did - making staff lie etc, but you possibly didn't want to pay for an extra scan which is understandable.

I probably also would have said at some point along in the discussion of the issue that I couldn't promise him that I wouldn't go and have a gender scan, but that if I did, I would not let on at the time nor would I tell him, etc.

I honestly think a man who doesn't even "let" you go discretely and not let on and tell him when he doesn't even know you might be going etc is bordering on controlling - if he doesn't want to know, fine, but really, its your baby too and you are carrying it and if you really want to know, you should be able to find out.

I suspect his steadfastness on the issue has created some slightly disfunctional behaviour in you, as well as a general desire to keep the peace and not row about it. Fair enough - weird, but understandable.

Original poster

sanielle · 03/08/2010 13:54

HecateQueenOfWitches- don't go around assuming all that about me...... Just because it's true..

lol I know I won't tell him that I know. I can keep that kind of secret but I will say she. But like I said..he thinks I think it is a girl from the scan photo.. So I should get away with it.

He definitly isn't controlling..and I have no issues standing my ground.. I'm a bit too good at that. I just know he is adamant he doesnt want to find out. And I know he would be gutted if I spilled the beans. And I would have spilled the beans.

We already have names picked out for a girl or a boy..

OP posts:

violethill · 03/08/2010 13:54

I'm wondering if the OP is lying to us, as she's happy to lie to her DH! Perhaps she's having a boy!

Or maybe her DH is lying to her and already knows the gender from the clinic!

On a serious note, I agree with Hecate, it seems a daft thing to do. If you know you're rubbish at keeping secrets and that you'll blab, why on earth would you choose to find out something as major as this and then hide it on a daily basis from the person you're closest too? Very weird and stressful I'd have thought!

PinkyMe · 03/08/2010 13:56

Lol. You are obviously already feeling guilty about this and I suspect itching to share the information with your husband.

Why don't you tell him you know and just not tell him the sex of the baby. Unless of course he really wants to know as well.

I do think it's a bit weird that you just told all of us it's a girl. I am like you, rubbish at keeping secrets and even worse at lying, so mainly I don't try. Especially not with the big stuff.

ChippingIn · 03/08/2010 14:01

Uh-oh... I feel a disaster in the offing....

There's no way you are going to be able to keep this a secret from him and he is going to be as mad as hell with you.... but frankly, I'd tell him today what you have done, give him the opportunity to decide if he wants to know now or not and grovel. It's a rotten thing to do, you should have either gone along with his wishes or told him you were going to do it. Nothing good will come of you lying to him about it.

Congratualtions on being pregnant though - very exciting after such a long wait

getabloodygrip · 03/08/2010 14:02

This will come out, you said yourself you can't keep shtum. And buying stuff is just ludicrous beyond belief.

He will be absolutely devastated that you were so conniving and have lied to him.I view this as a serious breach of trust on your part.

Have more respect for him, because you clearly don't at the moment.

YABUnbelievablyU and just a thoroughly selfish cow in my view.

You are having the baby TOGETHER. Remember?

PosieParker · 03/08/2010 14:03

You sound really excited, congratulations!!!

pjmama · 03/08/2010 14:03

I think what you've done is a bit crappy and selfish actually. I really hope he doesn't find out, because if I were in his shoes I think I'd feel like you'd taken something away from me. In those first moments in the delivery room when he's genuninely excited and you're faking your surprise...

Can't really explain it, but if I were your DH I'd be really hurt.

Original poster

sanielle · 03/08/2010 14:06

I am a little suprised that the vast majority seem to feel I am BVU! Oh well.. I will try and remember that in case I do let it all slip and DH throws a hissy fit.

But I am not being unreasonable to be so excited right? cause I am well chuffed with my soon to be little girl (or boy is the scan does prove wrong!) What is worse a girl in football kit or boy in a fluffy dress? well these are modern times...

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 03/08/2010 14:08

Does everyone slating the OP as being unreasonable expect spouses to tell each other absolutely everything? Could they hand on heart say they tell their partner/husband/boyfriend everything - warts and all - and vice versa? Isn't this 'no secrets' rule a little Disney Pixar unrealistic? Certainly this is an unusual example but why is the OP the bad-guy here for finding out the truth and not the head-in-the-sand obviously-wants-a-boy football-kit-buying DH that's standing in her way and forcing her to be underhand?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/08/2010 14:11

No. I don't tell my husband everything.

I tell him everything that he needs to know.

Understand the difference between secrets and secrets. Everyone has private things, but you have to know what it is ok to keep private and what it is not.

There is a difference.

Original poster

sanielle · 03/08/2010 14:11

Ha ha chil thanks!

OP posts:

prozacfairy · 03/08/2010 14:16

YABU. How would you have felt it DH had known this big secret and kept it from you?

The sex of the baby is something the parents should find out together imo. When you find out is a personal thing, Me and DD's dad chose to wait til the birth.

prozacfairy · 03/08/2010 14:19

Meant to say, congratulations

Tillyscoutsmum · 03/08/2010 14:20

I don't really think YABU. You wanted to know. Your DH didn't. There is no real compromise to that. One of you would have had to give in.

If you can keep it a secret from DH (and FWIW, I think its a pretty massive if ), then you both get what you want.

Tillyscoutsmum · 03/08/2010 14:20

Meant to say congrats as well. You sound very excited. Its lovely

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