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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have lied to my husband..and arranged

122 replies

sanielle · 03/08/2010 13:16

for everyone else to lie to him to?

I had a gender scan today... So excited (really didn't have a preferance.. I just had to know. Hate suprises)

So I showed up early at the scan place (private as my local hospital won't tell you)

and told them I wanted to know, but I didn't want my husband to know. And that I was to go in and tell the ultrasound tech that we no longer wanted the baby sexed. When in fact he was to completly disregard that and sex the baby.. and I would call back later and find out.

I have to say the reason I didn't just say, tell me and not my husband is that DH is bvu and doesn't trust me to find out and not blab (which is kind of fair.. I am crap with secrets)

So am I being unresonable? I feel bad knowing when he doesn't know I know. And got the feeling everyone there thought I was insane.

OP posts:
FallingWithStyle · 03/08/2010 15:18

Ah ok. I get it now.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable - whenever you tell him (and you will tell him) he will feel a bit odd I reckon.
I imagine there are still plenty of conversations to come speculating about your future son/daughter, not only are you going to have to feign ignorance during them all without slipping up but the point will come when he knows that you knew and that he was the only one genuinely wondering.

I dunno, not a big deal but if it were me I think when I eventually found out I'd feel a bit like I'd been played a trick on.

Imarriedafrog · 03/08/2010 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

proudnsad · 03/08/2010 15:22

I'd definitely feel I'd been tricked too, I'd feel like a mug. And that for months while we were both going through such an exciting time TOGETHER my dp had been witholding this.

rainbowinthesky · 03/08/2010 15:29

I cannot believe that someone would announce the gender of their baby on a public internet form which will be read by thousands of people when their dh doesnt even know this information or that the op even knows.
If my dh did this to me it would be very hard to forgive.

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 15:30

Thank I married a frog

OP posts:
getabloodygrip · 03/08/2010 15:58

Imarriedafrog of course it will matter, lack of respect and for poor DH may take the edge off the best moment of his life!

LucyLouLou · 03/08/2010 16:07

The more I think about this (I posted something earlier), the more uncomfortable I feel. I think this is a really horrible thing to do to your DH, sorry. getabloodygrip is right, it's a lack of respect. I feel sad for your DH OP. I sincerely hope you buck your trend and keep this very quiet.

MrsC2010 · 03/08/2010 16:11

Meant to say congrats OP, you sound so excited...unreasonable or not! We're due a little girl, well, was due on Sunday but still waiting.

PosieParker · 03/08/2010 16:16

OP you haven't just found out, you elaborately constructed a situation to find out. You should have just told him that you really wanted to know and if he didn't that's his choice. Neither of you is right/wrong finding out or not.

MumNWLondon · 03/08/2010 16:28

With DD we didn't ask at 20 week scan but I went back for extra NHS scan at 25 weeks and DH did not come, so i just couldn't help myself but to ask... that night I told him I knew and just couldn't keep it to myself. He wasn't cross but we didn't admit to knowing.

With DS1 we knew and everyone knew we knew, very stressful to keep it secret so with DS2 we just told everyone it was boy.

activate · 03/08/2010 16:31

Whilst i can feel your excitement and humour around this I'm totally shocked at the lack of trust in your relationship

it does not bode well for a good relationship

you basically went behind the father's back - told professionals you were doing so - and are planning to keep a secret for the rest of your pregnancy and life together

it does not bode well at all - I'd be really concerned

rubbersoul · 03/08/2010 16:38

I do understand you wanting to find out, but I think you should have been firm with your DH about finding out if you felt that strongly- and he should have respected that you wanted to know. Even if he still didn't want to know the baby's gender he'd know that you know iyswim

Congrats by the way

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 16:38

I find it funny how many people take a look at one thing on mumsnet then predict nothing but doom and gloom for a relationship!

Trust me after nearly 7 years together and 3 years ttc and 2 years marriage... I think we are pretty solid

Once you have held a cup of someone elses sperm in your shirt to keep it at "body temprature" you no longer have to worry if you are going to make it. I really am doing it this way because I don't want to "ruin" this for him and because I don't see why I have to suffer for his wishes either.

OP posts:
Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 16:39

Thanks MrsC2010 and rubbersoul

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 03/08/2010 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowinthesky · 03/08/2010 16:41

Perhaps announcing the gender on a public forum which will be read by thousands might not have been the best idea.

activate · 03/08/2010 16:42

well it's not my idea of a relationship - lying and not discussing major life experiences - but if it works for you so be it

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 16:43

ooh giddypickle, but do you really think you could have kept the secret? Wouldn't you have always been saying "ooh she's kicked" etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 16:49

Raibowinthesky I don't know anyone on mumsnet in RL and don't post under my real name. So not overly worried.

OP posts:
JackJacksmummy · 03/08/2010 16:59

I'd do the same OP, if i'm totally honest

Although i think my DP prefers to know and if i ever have another one I'm thinking of going for a suprise anyway since it would definitely be the last one!

proudnsad · 03/08/2010 17:00

I hate to state the bleeding obvious Sanielle, but you did ask if you were being unreasonable. And most of us are saying YES in big capitalised flashing lights. If you don't want to hear it, s'up to you.

LucyLouLou · 03/08/2010 17:06

I suspect OP had more of a burning desire to share the gender than anything else (correct me if I'm wrong....), which makes me think this will all end in tears. I simply can not see a way this can be justified. It's not the issue of finding out the gender, it's the lying to the DH that bothers me. Very very dicey situation, can't honestly see this staying quiet, then there will be another question 'Is my DH being unreasonable to be pissed with me about this?' (my answer, of course, would be that DH would have every right to be upset). I understand the motivation in wanting to know, but it doesn't justify the lie.

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 17:06

Happy to be told I am unreasonable! But if someone asks a question wouldn't it be rude to not respond? My only comment was I am not worried about my relationship and thought that was above and beyond my AIBU question..

OP posts:
BarmyArmy · 03/08/2010 17:08

The thing is - he knows you, mostlikely believes you when you tell him things...

If he ever finds out that you have lied to him about this, he will reflect on how you looked and sounded...on how convincing you were, and on the fact that he couldn't tell the difference between the 'honest' you and the 'dishonest' you.

And will then begin to ponder....and think about what other occasions you might have lied.

Trust is either absolute or it's nothing.

Congratulations, btw - I hope this situation resolves itself for all concerned.

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 17:09

Lucy you are very slightly correct.... Not going to end in tears as know DH will understand why I did it -if he gets told later on. So I am not going to be upset if everyone thinks I am BU. Was curious though what everyone thought

OP posts:
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