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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have lied to my husband..and arranged

122 replies

sanielle · 03/08/2010 13:16

for everyone else to lie to him to?

I had a gender scan today... So excited (really didn't have a preferance.. I just had to know. Hate suprises)

So I showed up early at the scan place (private as my local hospital won't tell you)

and told them I wanted to know, but I didn't want my husband to know. And that I was to go in and tell the ultrasound tech that we no longer wanted the baby sexed. When in fact he was to completly disregard that and sex the baby.. and I would call back later and find out.

I have to say the reason I didn't just say, tell me and not my husband is that DH is bvu and doesn't trust me to find out and not blab (which is kind of fair.. I am crap with secrets)

So am I being unresonable? I feel bad knowing when he doesn't know I know. And got the feeling everyone there thought I was insane.

OP posts:
violethill · 03/08/2010 14:23

I think pjmama hits the nail on the head.

You have a conflict of opinion - he doesn't wish to know the gender, because of your track record of blabbing.

You wanted to know, because you're like a little child at christmas and want to know NOW.

Which is all fair enough, we're not all the same, except you have now muddied the waters by going behind his back. So if you do inadvertantly let slip (and as I said, from what you've already jabbered about excitedly on this thread, I give you til about tea time to let slip) then your DH will feel that you have taken away something from him - ie his desire for it to be secret.

If you had been 100% confident that you would keep this between the clinic and yourself, and 100% confident that you can act surprised in the delivery room, then you wouldn't have posted here would you? No doubt there are other women who have done the same, only we don't get to hear about them. You seem to be unable to contain yourself, so this doesn't bode well.

Druzhok · 03/08/2010 14:29

Congratulations!

If I were your DH, I would mind very much. Equally, however, I can see myself doing a similar thing.

I also don't get the 'surprise' thing, although I did want to keep it quiet when pregnant with my second baby, as I had zero privacy with my first pregnancy (inlaws, first grandchild - all very sweet, until they liked one of DH's name choices .. I didn't ... and then started to refer to the pregnancy as 'X' - fait accompli and all).

stircrazymum · 03/08/2010 14:29

YABU, he'll be gutted if he finds out!

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 14:29

Violet fair points..but one of the reasons I have told everyone here.. is because I can't do it in the real world. As much as I hate keep secrets we have been pretty discreet about our pregnancy and most people don't even know yet. Because I have been ttc for so long I don't really want to jinx myself by telling all and sundry also have many friends who have also been ttc and not as lucky as me

Would never rub it in anyone's face. So facebook and real world most people are in the dark. Just feel like I can confidently shout about it here on mumsnet! that and I am so sure this isn't DH sort of thing and he won't ever see this in a million years!

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 03/08/2010 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 14:31

Druzhok, yeah I don't get it all... For me the suprise will be meeting my baby! This was just a fun thing to keep me going until the huge suprise!

btw I am already getting excited about xmas and have done much of my shopping.
Surely I can't be the only one?

OP posts:
violethill · 03/08/2010 14:32

Just out of interest, what will you answer in the future when your dd asks, 'Mum, dad, did you know I was a girl before I was born?'

Will you lie to her too?

Or do you intend to let your DH know about this at some unspecified point in the future?

I would imagine that these days, with sexing by scan being so common, it's a pretty usual question for children to ask when they're a little older.

OrmRenewed · 03/08/2010 14:32

yes.

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 14:35

Actually Violet I will probably mention I knew to him at some point (after the baby is here so not to ruin anything). But otherwise I don't think me saying no to her will be the end of the world... I plan on lying to her about santa, the tooth fairy and a few other things too

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 03/08/2010 14:39

And just to cheer you up, the scan told me that my DS1 was going to be DD1. And that was five days before he was born!

I think you ABU to do this. Your DH was clearly correct in his reasoning and I would expect him to be very hurt when he finds out that not only have you lied to him, but the extremes you went to in order to keep the information from him. This is not on the same scale as opening a christmas present and re-wrapping it ( though that is a bit weird), this is about a child that you both share, not a bottle of perfume.

violethill · 03/08/2010 14:41

But if you 'mention' it to him, then he'll realise you've breached his trust. Surely that's the issue? Not just whether he knows what gender you're having?

BTW I wouldn't equate children's genuine questions with myth and folklore about santa and tooth fairies.

IME children develop a very genuine interest in where they came from, whether their parents knew if they were a boy/girl, how did their parents feel about it. My own children all asked these things (though when they were born gender scanning was much less common so I was able to truthfully answer that no, we didn't know what gender we having, and we really enjoyed the surprises)

TrillianAstra · 03/08/2010 14:42

You are totally going to blab.

Probably before this thread finishes.

Does anyone else think it's weird to get a load of England football kit for a child who will be born the year after the world cup?

violethill · 03/08/2010 14:48

Trillian - I think it's weird to buy a load of England football kit for a baby full stop!

I think the OP is tying herself in knots here.

If you don't think your DH will mind you telling him that you went behind his back, so you're planning to tell him about this once the baby's born, then logically you should tell him now, that you know, but that you will keep it secret from him so he gets the surprise. That's the logical thing to do, if it's only the gender issue he wants as a surprise, and really won't be hurt about the deception.

It seems the reality is that you do know it's deceitful and actually quite disrespectful, but you're hoping that telling him after the baby is born will water it down.

Anyway, I don't give you a hope in hell of getting through the pregnancy without revealing it anyway!

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 03/08/2010 14:48

I think YABVU. You'll never keep it a secret...

babywalks · 03/08/2010 14:49

If it were me I defo would not be able to keep something like that a secret for so long but then if I wanted to find out the sex and my DP didn't, he wouldn't mind if I found out on my own.

YANBU imo. If you were desperate to know then I think it was a bit mean of your DH to tell you that you couldn't find out. Having said that I think the way you went about finding out was unfair on your DH. You probably should have booked a separate scan that you went to on your own.

Congratulations btw, you sound really excited!

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 14:51

He'll know why I did it Viloet- if I tell him I suppose he will have to be happy that I did it this way because it meant he got to have his secret. I can't remeber ever lying to him about anything else.. so trust isn't an issue in our house.

In fact I booked the scan to be a secret but felt so bad seeing the baby with out him that I had to let him know...

ps even I know the xmas present thing is weird... Don't know why I am like this..

OP posts:
Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 14:54

scan was 80 quid btw as our town have a 'don't ask dont tell' policy.. Couldnt just book another on top!

OP posts:
violethill · 03/08/2010 14:59

saniellie - this is the bit I don't get.

If it's the knowing the baby's sex in advance which would upset your DH, then why not tell him now that you know the gender, but you respect his wish to not know, and will keep it secret. After all, he knows that you were keen to find out, and this way, you both get what you wanted without you continuing the pretence.

If it's the breach of trust that would upset him, then it's only fair, having made this unilateral decision, to keep it quiet for life. You can't just blab about it in a year or so's time hoping that it'll all be watered down because the has been born.

I expect there are other women out there who have done the same - we just don't know about them because they don't broadcast it!

violethill · 03/08/2010 15:00

the baby has been born

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 15:03

Because even I know Violet that I will say SHE. Or call her by the name we have picked out.. I don't have it in me to not slip up. He would be gutted (although I am not really sure why..he is just adamant he not find out!)

OP posts:
Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 15:05

However I will never accidentally say.. Dh you know when we went to have the scan.. I sort of lied and did find out..

Do you know what I mean?

OP posts:
FallingWithStyle · 03/08/2010 15:08

I dont understand.

If dh didn't want to find out the gender, what was he doing going to a scan booked specifically to find out the gender?

violethill · 03/08/2010 15:11

Er... nope! You seem to be saying that you will tell him, and also that you won't!

I think the only thing you can do now, is to keep it a life long secret, and never ever let slip to a friend that you knew the gender before (even if friends ask, now or in the future) and you'll need to lie to your dd when she asks you both if you knew.

So, good luck with that!

Original poster
sanielle · 03/08/2010 15:11

I booked the scan. DH whinged constantly that I couldn't be trusted (which to an extent we both agree on) I told him we would go and say we changed our mind about finding out the sex but as the deposit was paid we might as well go an enjoy seeing our baby.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 03/08/2010 15:17

I think YABU, tbh - and if you are that crap at keeping secrets, he's bound to find out and he will be massively hurt that you have lied to him and been so underhand with the techs etc.

When I was pg with DS, I did not want to know. DH did - I refused pointblank to allow him to find out because he is also crap at keeping secrets and I knew he would ruin it for me. Which he would have. We compromised - if I got my way (not finding out) on our first, he could have his way (finding out) on the next one (hasn't happened yet). In the end he was very pleased not to have found out because it made it that bit more special.