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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want charity shop toys/books for ds?

86 replies

LittleBugsMum · 03/08/2010 08:05

It's my MIL and I have told her that I don't like it but she still does it.

He puts everything in his mouth and I'm just not comfortable with it. I expect I won't have as much of a problem when he's a little older...

She says 'I know you don't like it but I have disinfected it' with a little laugh and there's nothing I can say that isn't confrontational. To be blunt isn't an option - my PIL are very, very touchy people.

Because they're not confrontational (like me) DH is reluctant to get involved, even though he agrees with me.

Any advice?

OP posts:

EasilyConfusedIndith · 03/08/2010 08:08

but if it is clean what is the problem? YABU.

bamboostalks · 03/08/2010 08:09

It really is not a big deal. This is what happens at playgroups etc when there is no disinfectant going on at all and the toys are very grubby. It's the same as books from the library isn't it? If it really bothers you or something is very grim, then quietly get rid at a later date. No one remembers toys like that, he'll soon have boxes of crap hanging around.

Tee2072 · 03/08/2010 08:09

Yes. Accept them gratefully and gracefully and keep in mind that he's probably going to be putting poo and dirt in his mouth any day now.

sanielle · 03/08/2010 08:11

hmmmmmm I'm getting all pfb's stuff now while pregnant.. And trolling charity shops/ ebay.. mine will just have a super immune system I guess!

What do you do at friend's houses? And at playgroups?

Lucydog · 03/08/2010 08:12

I love charity shops when I choose what I want, but my mum (i'm 52 by the way) brings horrible clothes (not dirty, just horrible style) for me and the children from them whenever she visits and gets huffy when I don't try them on.
So, My answer is, nip it in the bud now, or it'll go on forever, just try and sit down and have a quiet chat - and I do know how difficult it is, having not faced up to it for decades because I didn't want to hurt my mum's feelings. Surely there are other ways they can show their love for their grandchildren. Good luck, though

sanielle · 03/08/2010 08:13

also I would presonally be more disturbed by him gumming loads of disenfectant that a few other toddlers germs..

overmydeadbody · 03/08/2010 08:13

YABU

She has disinfected them, for goodness sake there is nothing wrong with them. You are being very very silly to not be comfortable with it.

sanielle · 03/08/2010 08:14

oh one more thing, is it possible she can't afford to buy new things for the baby? But still wants to give him presents? Because if you are really dead set against it and she wants to give baby things... maybe direct her to the pouns shop which does carry baby items?

mummytime · 03/08/2010 08:15

Oh and watch TellyTubbies. We saw it for the first time for ages the other week and are still discussing it, the film segment had a little girl making Cakes for her big brother coming home from school. They had glace cherries on top, and she licked everyone before sticking them on.

As to the charity shop toys. If you have enough toys ask her to stop, because your house soon fills up. But where they come from really wouldn't bother me, my kids have had enough second hand stuff of their own.

Lucydog · 03/08/2010 08:19

Sorry, I should have also said that it sounds like a power struggle thing to me. IMO, they are your children and you are entitled to have the final say in this, whatever the issue, and if you have told your MIL that you don't want her to do it, why is she doing it? (except to f^ with your head)

seeker · 03/08/2010 08:19

Massively unreasonable, and very un-green. Sorry.

Particularly if you ever let your child play with toys at someone else's house or at a playgroup.

domesticsluttery · 03/08/2010 08:21

YABU and a bit PFB.

As others have said they are probably cleaner than the toys you will encounter at mother and toddler groups etc.

Unless he has far too many toys already, and so something brand new and wrapped in plastic from Toys R Us would be met with the same horror, then YABU.

An awful lot of my DC's books come from Oxfam, and go back there when they have finished with them.

DuelingFanjo · 03/08/2010 08:23

I'm doing what sanielle is doing, I love charity shop shopping and have managed to get some great books for my 5 month bump

anonymousbird · 03/08/2010 08:24

MY MIL stocked her own house with fabulous charity shop toys, she made a point of cleaning/disinfecting and it meant that my DCs had loads to play with at her house.

I thought it was a brilliant idea, as I didn't have to take stuff with me and she got loads for about £20.

You need to chill out a bit, if your child is already grabbing anyway, you've lost control over what goes in his mouth, or where every item in or near your house has been!!!!

RobynLou · 03/08/2010 08:26

YABU, sorry, for the reasons others have given.

SharonGless · 03/08/2010 08:28

YABU am afraid.

Like others I buy a lot of my DC toys and books from charity shops and either pass them on to other friends/donate to nursery or back to the charity shop.

If it is just the possible germs that they may carry then you need to get over it. Are the toys/books not suitable. I would be very grateful for presents that are given whether from charity shop or not. My friend's mum has always given my 2 a little pressie from charity shop on the infrequent occasions that she sees them which I think is a lovely gesture and much better than a packet of sweets. She knows that I recycle them afterwards.

If there are other issues with MIL then please drip feed us more info!

EricNorthmansmistress · 03/08/2010 08:32

YABU and precious and very silly.

pooka · 03/08/2010 08:32

Oh YAdefinitelyBU - if it's just the mere fact that the items are second hand that is bothering you.

My mother got some fantastic toys (mostly milton-able) and brilliant books from our local charity shops. Brilliant. And I've returned the favour by donating substantial quantities of toys/clothes and books whenever we have a clear out. We're quite clean, the stuff I donate is good quality (clean clothes, not marked or tatty, complete jigsaws, working toys), so what's the problem?

It sounds rather precious to object IMO.

benbenandme · 03/08/2010 08:37

I agree with the others in as much as these toys are no different germ-wise to any others your child will encounter, BUT ... I would make sure you check all of them for small parts that may be loose etc before letting dc play with them.

When I was pg my mil (was her first gc)phoned me to tell me she'd bought the bump its first present and turned up with a sandwich bag full of second hand used vests from a car boot sale ... now while I am happy for ds to have stuff from car boots and in fact most of his books come from there and go back there once finished wit, I was very hurt that she gave her first gs some offwhite stained vests when she could have picked them up brand new in tescos for a couple of quid .

So what I'm trying to ask in a round about way is; is the issue that they may have germs, that you just don't want second-hand stuff or a safety fator?

ChippingIn · 03/08/2010 08:38

YANBU

It doesn't matter whether your opinion on charity shop items is the same as everyone elses or not. It is your house and your baby and if you don't want someone bringing gifts for the baby from a charity shop then that's the way it is - MIL doesn't have to like it or understand it - just accept it.

Honestly, if you'd said your MIL gives the baby fruit shoots when you've said not to, everyone would be agreeing with you - that it's your baby, your house, your rules!

[We do buy some toys from charity shops, but that's beside the point really]

Your question was how to stop your MIL doing it - there's only one way and that's to tell her again - firmly. Next time she brings something, tell her that it's kind of her to bring a gift and she really doesn't need to everytime she visits or you will be over-run with toys and that as you have said in the past, you don't want DS playing with charity shop toys. End of. IF she gets the hump, that's really rather hard luck - if you don't put your foot down now about things that bother you, then when?

pigletmania · 03/08/2010 08:41

YABU sounds like a pfb to me. Nothing wrong whatsoever with books and toys from charity shops as long as they are in good clean condition. You can always wash toys, or wipe them over with some anti bacterial wipes, same with books too.

I have got some fantastic books for dd 3.4 years in the past, brand new and in excellent condition, they are only going to get torn and wrecked so why pay £3 per book , same with toys really.

Yes I have bought dd brand new Fisher Price toys but also ones from Charity shops, nothing wrong whatsoever, your MIL is right I am afraid.

Original poster

LittleBugsMum · 03/08/2010 08:41

The books & the toys are suitable, he always likes them - she has good taste. She means well & I don't think it's a power struggle, she's just thinking of him & what he'll like.

It is simply the hygiene issue and it's been quite bad since I was pregnant the first time. I'm pregnant again & maybe that's why I feel weird about it again.

I'm glad I'm being unreasonable It means I don't have to rock the boat with them just deal with my own problem. They love him so much & I wouldn't want to ruin anything...

...to be honest, I worry about new stuff in packaging (chemicals etc). Yep, it's totally my problem.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 03/08/2010 08:43

As others point out, your ds is going to put god knows what in his mouth, and if you take him to toddlers groups, what about the toys there! He has got to develop immunity to bugs and that means exposure to them. Those brand new toys that you buy will soon look worn after a week.

Original poster

LittleBugsMum · 03/08/2010 08:44

Oh & what's pfb?

OP posts:

anonymousbird · 03/08/2010 08:46

Precious First Born

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