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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want charity shop toys/books for ds?

86 replies

LittleBugsMum · 03/08/2010 08:05

It's my MIL and I have told her that I don't like it but she still does it.

He puts everything in his mouth and I'm just not comfortable with it. I expect I won't have as much of a problem when he's a little older...

She says 'I know you don't like it but I have disinfected it' with a little laugh and there's nothing I can say that isn't confrontational. To be blunt isn't an option - my PIL are very, very touchy people.

Because they're not confrontational (like me) DH is reluctant to get involved, even though he agrees with me.

Any advice?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 03/08/2010 09:53

It wouldn't ahve bothered me tbh but it bothers you and it is your baby. Don't know what you can do abut it though if it really is an issue for you since you have already told her and she brings more charity shop things and a ctually says, well I know you don't like it...

Really don't see what you can do about it tbh. She probably doesn't like to come empty handed

whomovedmychocolate · 03/08/2010 10:00

Another point of view here: OP you are pregnant - it follows therefore that you will soon have a second child. How do you feel about that child playing with your first child's toys? After all they are second hand? Or is it just other peoples children that have germs?

I think you are being a bit odd honestly. I know you want to protect her, but it's daft because little kids play with toys for a few weeks and then they are generally relegated to the toybox and, if you are charitably minded, the nearest charity shop.

Toys have been passed down through families for years and this is an extension of this. Do you really believe that your toys when you were a kid were all sparkly new and clean - even that doll you dragged through the mud. Did you die? Did you even get sick from licking toys. Nope.

By all means give them a wipe but please realise this - all that plastic tat that your DC will use for a month, stays around for hundreds of years and if it's not reused, it doesn't just disappear. Recycling toys is brilliant and necessary in my view.

Druzhok · 03/08/2010 10:05

LittlebugsMum - you sound fair and pretty self aware, so I hope you're not upset by the harsher comments on here.

I felt like you did when I first had my DS. I don't feel like it now, 5 years down the line.

I think you will be doing your MIL and DS a kindness to be gracious, however much you want to throw the damn stuff in the bin I also predict that his favourite toy will turn out to be some relic that she picked up for 75p

I didn't ever think of using charity shops until my son hit the 'insatiable appetite for plastic crap' stage. But he now considers it a treat (poor child) to go to a charity shop, have a rummage and pick himself out an item. DD, meanwhile, is trotting around trying to bag herself a pair of size 12 men's shoes or a corset.

Part of me is appalled, but the children and the charity are happy. Well, the charity may not relish the time spent re-arranging their shoe display, but at least they get some income from us.

whomovedmychocolate · 03/08/2010 10:08

Druzhok - we too give our kids a quid and let them loose in the charity shop. The horrors they have come home with include a duck which turned out to be a vibrating sex toy and some calipers which apparently are used to help farm animals procreate

Luckily they are more into hunting Playmobil these days!

PosieParker · 03/08/2010 10:10

I have never had any for any of mine, hate the thought of it tbh. But we do/have been to playgroups and other houses where the toys would definitely be more dirty/germ infested. So both you and I are being unreasonable.

WABBU

WreckOfTheHesperus · 03/08/2010 10:16

Littlebugsmum, I have to say that you are probably being unreasonable, but that I feel unreasonable in exactly the same way - and DD is a galumphing and frequently filthy toddler now, rather than a vulnerable little baby !

TBH, I don't buy any second-hand clothes for myself either; I just don't fancy the idea.

Not a reasonable bone in my body, I'm afraid

Original poster
LittleBugsMum · 03/08/2010 10:18

Erm whomovedmychocolate, stories like that aren't helping! Haha.

I'm not offended by replies in the slightest. I like that I'm in the wrong, ds loves her and everything she buys so from now on I'm staying out of it.

OP posts:
gorionine · 03/08/2010 10:18

whomovedmychocolate, I just schocked on my toast!

notyummy · 03/08/2010 10:21

I think you know YABVU.

But, its your right to have opinions!

However, I really think over this you are better just smiling and thanking MIL - even if the toys get put straight in the recycle/out in a charity bag when she has gone. You have no rational way of arguing the point when she asks 'why?', if you told her to stop buying from charity shops, so it is better not to.

whomovedmychocolate · 03/08/2010 10:29

Actually the line you have to learn is 'wow, how lovely. She's a little young for it though so I'll put it in the 'for later' box till she's ready for it.

Then take it back to the charity shop! Of course this can backfire, friend of ours took a hideous toy that her MiL had delivered back to their local charity shop and claimed her DS had 'lost it at the park, sadly' and her MiL found it, bought it and presented it to him saying 'I'm sure you won't lose it again'. (She wasn't even being ironic - she just thought it was a lucky coincidence ).

colditz · 03/08/2010 10:36

Oh my god, this, I think, it the first ever AIBU MIL thread that has ended with "Oh, ok, I am being unreasonable, I'll stop it then."

Well done OP, I applaud you!

ladylobster · 03/08/2010 10:50

I dont think your being either reasonable or unreasonable, its perfectly acceptable for you to not want these items and you will need to tell her

It sounds like mine, who lives in a v small town where there are virtually no shops but charity shops, we get random bits of tat given us, last one was a set of crystal cut sherry glasses, now not being funny but im 30, i dont drink sherry, and if i did i would not choose to drink it out of these vintage cut glass nasties, she is a hoarder and is trying to pass off her habit to me! Yours most likely is the same, but im havong none of it and have made it most clear i dont do clutter and she must not bring her shite to my house either )

emptyshell · 03/08/2010 12:06

If you're ever planning on borrowing library books - then worrying about slightly manky toys is a bit OTT.

I used to work in a library and, among other things we had returned in library books were: chunks of dead skin (like someone had been having a good peel when they got home from the beach), and a complete (raw) rasher of bacon someone had used as a book mark.

Now I've put you all off your weekly trip to the library I'll quietly disappear!

Greensleeves · 03/08/2010 12:10

OP you sound lovely!

TheBossofMe · 03/08/2010 12:17

OP, you are so nice! FWIW, I had the same germy-phobia thing going on when pregnant, disappeared almost as soon as DD born. Think it was hormonal OCD.

bleedingheart · 03/08/2010 12:23

OP I am like you, I know I am BU but I don't want this stuff either. My MIL is always buying DS second hand tat and new tat and I hate all the plastic crap building up in my house (DS has photographic memory and remembers every little toy he has and when it's gone 'missing'). I've asked her to save her money as it's time spent in the garden with her or having a story that he likes the most but she won't. She takes him to charity shops and lets him choose whatever he wants. She'll say to me 'I know you don't like second hand things but this is new' when it's clearly been chewed/dunked in snot and/or broken. Makes me gag. I feel the same at playgroup too. My issues, I know. I'm not green enough /have PFBitis etc. Always felt like this though.

tokyonambu · 03/08/2010 12:36

"It is simply the hygiene issue"

What hygiene issue? What dangerous biological threats do you believe that survive on the surface of plastic and paper for sustained periods?

Even accepting that there are infections living on toys and books disinfecting them is actually a bad idea: in terms of the object it selects for the stronger bugs so that rather than the fitter bugs having to compete with the rest of the fauna they instead have things to themselves (the same reason taking anti-biotics inappropriately is bad) and in terms of your child the challenge to their immune system is beneficial anyway. Unless you believe that Oxfam are secretly harbouring anthrax, that is.

LucyLouLou · 03/08/2010 12:54

whomovedmychocolate - that just made me spit out my cereal, I laughed so hard! The random things children find enjoyment in eh?

OP - YABU, but then again you know that now . There is an element of MIL should be respecting your wishes, but if you pushed that point, you could create massive other problems that you really don't need. You admit yourself that they are touchy people, so making an issue out of this just because of the 'my child, my rules' principle, is kinda crazy (at best). IMO that should only be envoked if there is a genuine concern with what's going on, second hand (good quality) toys should not a problem (no real hygiene issues) and therefore there is no genuine concern here.

Of course it's up to you how you deal with this, but that's my two cents .

kittyonthebeam · 03/08/2010 13:03

precious first born

YABU

But so was I for about a year after my first was born. I was actually going mad cleaning and disinfecting, etc. Looking back I'm sure I wasn't well and it was a disorder.

Now that no.2 is on the way and my dd attends nursery 3x a week I'm more relaxed.

I shop for secondhand toys and books even though I can afford all the new stuff. My LO just tears things apart and I don't see a point spending 8 pounds on something she'll destroy in a few weeks.

Sounds like your MIL means well. Get over yourself please and relax.

confuddledDOTcom · 03/08/2010 13:26

There are two issues here, one is not liking charity shop reasonable and two is your MIL unreasonable for going against your wishes.

You've had lots of different responses on charity shops but to be honest I don't think the charity shop is the issue. Your MIL is deliberately going against your wishes and that is a problem, however reasonable or unreasonable you not wanting charity shop good for your child it is your decision.

alana39 · 03/08/2010 13:35

LittleBugs just look at it as a good way to challenge the immune system - you don't want them to avoid every germ in sight and it's not as if everything that was ever in another child's dribble will still be alive in the book / toy. Incidentally bigger toys from charity shops are fantastic for the garden - there's no room in our house for a toy kitchen etc, but when you find one for £5 there's no reason not to have it outside where they can have proper fun cooking mud / sand etc.

seeker · 03/08/2010 13:58

'however reasonable or unreasonable you not wanting charity shop good for your child it is your decision."

Ah, now this is where I disagree. I just don't think that however bonkers a dil is, her mil must just knuckle down and agree with her.

And, i've jsut thought, any germs on charity shop toys rea likely to be pretty up-market, because they come from homes wioth the money and leisure and head-space to donate. So at least your ds won't pick up any "common" germs!

confuddledDOTcom · 03/08/2010 14:04

Our parents both think I'm bonkers for saying no to Fruit Shoot (despite having a child who is constantly dosed up for constipation and FS being known to cause it and me explaining this) and Bratz, for breastfeeding, for using cloth nappies... All of which have taken regular attacks (including giving bottles of formula to a preterm baby, banning cloth nappies in their house, giving FS, telling me in front of my niece how offended her parents would be that I refuse to give Bratz to my children) as well as on my other AP type parenting. By your reasoning that's all perfectly acceptible.

Sorry but what's "bonkers" to one person is normal to another.

seeker · 03/08/2010 14:15

Of course you can have rules - I'm just saying that "your baby, your rules" implies that no-one has the slightest right to question any of your decisions, and no one else in the family has any say in how your child is brought up. I don't happen to think that being a parent automatically makes me right about everything, not even about jmy own children.

confuddledDOTcom · 03/08/2010 14:17

I never said it makes you right just because you're the parent but however odd they think your ideas are it doesn't give the grandparents free reign to go against your wishes.

Glad you enjoy being undermined but I personally don't. I'd rather the GPs talk to me about why they disagree with my ideas than undermine me.