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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want charity shop toys/books for ds?

86 replies

LittleBugsMum · 03/08/2010 08:05

It's my MIL and I have told her that I don't like it but she still does it.

He puts everything in his mouth and I'm just not comfortable with it. I expect I won't have as much of a problem when he's a little older...

She says 'I know you don't like it but I have disinfected it' with a little laugh and there's nothing I can say that isn't confrontational. To be blunt isn't an option - my PIL are very, very touchy people.

Because they're not confrontational (like me) DH is reluctant to get involved, even though he agrees with me.

Any advice?

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 03/08/2010 08:48

you do sound a bit U and a bit PFB. BUT I totally understand and sympathise. I was like this when my DD was a baby. (I think for me it was because as a child I used to have to get all my stuff in boot fairs etc - with germs etc I've always been quite relaxed)

but I honestly think it's not the end of the world. over time I've got more relaxed, in fact my favourite present DD got for her birthday was a Cranium game my (poor student) friends got 2nd hand. I'm also really grateful to 2 friends who have given me loads of old clothes for DS.

thing is when you have toddlers everything gets grubby and scuffed anyway!

perhaps you could put the toys etc away until your DC is older? I do think it's quite rude to refuse anything TBH.

honestly - it IS ok to have stuff 2nd hand, in time you will probably learn this. I really wish I'd realised it myself earlier, I would've saved SO much money!

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but stop being snobby

MovingBeds · 03/08/2010 08:48

are you working class?

pigletmania · 03/08/2010 08:48

Congratulations on your pregnancy, must be the hormones , to be honest I would only buy clothes from the charity shop if they were in good clean condition. DD has a Vtech board of the Alphabet picked up from the tip shop for 50p, its great, she learns so much from it, in ELC it would be about £25. I disenfected it 4 times, I am a bit ocd about hygiene.

bulby · 03/08/2010 08:49

Ooooo I love charity toy shopping, it's greener, provides money for charity, cheaper. And as others have said a hood dose of germs is good.

pigletmania · 03/08/2010 08:50

precious first born Littlebugs

Mollydoggerson · 03/08/2010 08:52

I'ld accept and then start rew-donating back to the charity shop.

Who wants a load of junk in their house?

pooka · 03/08/2010 08:52

If you're really worried about germs, then perhaps you could suggest that she only bring the kind of plastic toys that can be easily wiped or disinfected? WRT books though, I don't really see the difference between charity shop books and library books in terms of their "germiness" - and it would be a shame to deprive your little one of library resources - otherwise your house will be chock full of books and no room for people!

teaandcakeplease · 03/08/2010 08:57

YABU

I love charity shop stuff and second hand things passed down from my SIL's children for mine, especially all the lovely clothes and books. I do not have much money though, which perhaps helps me to look at things a little differently? I find some lovely books that are out of print for children in charity shops and lovely videos/ DVDs for a fraction of the price.

I wiped everything with anti bac wipes or if it was toys ran them through the washing machine if possible when they were first given to me. When my babies were very small. After 6 months I no longer worried anymore tbh, unless the item was visibly mucky on purchase.

No need to add to what others have said, as I agree with a lot of it and kept nodding my head sagely.

Lucydog · 03/08/2010 08:58

I can't find a smiley for this, but want to say seriously that you sound like such a nice person to take the blame for this on yourself. But...the central issue surely is that your MIL is ignoring your stated opinion. Why shouldn't she respect your feelings, whatever the issue?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 03/08/2010 09:01

Do you disenfect all new toys aswell?
Especially toys with the open fronted "try me" boxes.
Stockrooms arnt the cleanest of places and I doubt everyone that handles them before you have bought them have super clean hands.
Infact I remember the day when a 7/8 year old girl came into store and it was obviously she was desperate for a wee but was to excited about the toys to do anything about it. The next time I looked at her she had indeed wet herself whilst trying to hold it in with her hands... her hands were soaking wet as was the front of her shorts... she went back to playing with all the baby toys in their open fronted boxes...
Cue me quickly informing the parents and then running to wilkos for disenfectant wipes!
So moral of the story, brand new toys arnt necessarily cleaner than charity shop ones!!

lolapoppins · 03/08/2010 09:02

I have loads of issues with other peoples spit etc on baby toys (not about my ds putting them in his mouth, but about me touching them!) bu. Even I used to by toys in charity shops for him when he was a baby. Just used to wash then in a bit of disinfectanat and they were as good as new.

Now he's older, I get all his books from charity shops. Especially since we home ed, I have saved hundreds of pounds.

Eralc · 03/08/2010 09:04

I can sympathise with you as I got very paranoid about germs when pregnant and when DS1 was tiny. I had to get over it very quickly the day I caught him licking a visiting childs shoe when he was about 7 months old (tuned my back for 2 seconds, and he had rolled over and wedged it in his mouth!) After that did him no harm, I became much more comfortable about it all, and am not having the same worries now I'm pregnant a second time.

StealthPolarBear · 03/08/2010 09:05

Well I wouldn't like it as we have enough plastic tat anyway. But they'll be cleaner than the toys your son comes across at toddler groups - all that snot and poo

ballstoit · 03/08/2010 09:05

YABU but why not,he's the most important thing in your life isnt he? Perhaps you could ask her to bring fruit or to save up for something larger he will need at some point? But if she's anything like my late MIL she will ignore you and get stuff anyway. Just try to give him something else to chew while he's playing with those bits.

Original poster

LittleBugsMum · 03/08/2010 09:06

I agree, pfb! I feel guilty now.

I don't have a problem with playgroup, friends houses & libraries. Doesn't make sense does it?

Thanks mathsMadMummy and pigletmania

& MovingBeds Am I working class? wtf?

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 03/08/2010 09:09

no, don't feel guilty, it is only natural to want the best for your child, it's just that over time I've realised that actually playing with the toys is more important than just having nice toys, and so where the toys come from doesn't matter, if that makes any sense

ragged · 03/08/2010 09:20

Funny, LBM, I was going to say Yanbu because your MIL should respect your wishes and lots of people don't want their DC to have 2nd hand stuff for themselves. It's not my style either (all my DC stuff came from charity shops!) but I respect people who choose differently.

Firawla · 03/08/2010 09:28

yanbu, it doesn't matter what others think about charity shops - you don't like them and mil is disregarding that. if you have told her once, that should be enough.

BonniePrinceBilly · 03/08/2010 09:42

So someone gives your child a present, actually many presents, and you tell them they aren't good enough for your kid or your home, and you have to ask if you are being unreasonable?

You are, obviously.

seeker · 03/08/2010 09:44

So regardless of how stupid someone's wishes are, they ahve to be respected?

DetectivePotato · 03/08/2010 09:47

YABU and precious.

I wouldn't like it if they were ruined and scribbled all over, like I have seen at carboots. I thought that was going to be your problem.

As long as they are cleaned, then there is no harm.

gorionine · 03/08/2010 09:47

"whatever the issue, and if you have told your MIL that you don't want her to do it, why is she doing it? (except to f^ with your head)"

Or maybe she is on a small budget?

I think YA a bit U OP, unless you never ever live your house your Dc will touch/suck toys that have not just been scrubbed with Dettol

gorionine · 03/08/2010 09:50

Sorry OP I just realised I had missed page 2 where you already say you do not have an issue with play group...

DetectivePotato · 03/08/2010 09:50

I see you feel guilty now, ok.

I do understand where you are coming from. I hate the idea of other baby spit etc on toys but if anything is second hand I just get the milton wipes out. Some second hand stuff is brilliant as it doesn't even look like its been played with.

seeker · 03/08/2010 09:52

Yes, she is doing to to fuck with the op's head. That's the only reason a mother in law ever does anything. Because mothers in law are a completely different species to other women - they are dropped fully formed from space ships the instant a man marries and to replace the women who brought him up and created the person you loved enough to want to marry.

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