In-Law stuff. PIL, SIL and BIL!

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Not sure if I have a right to be a bit miffed with this or not?
sorry it's long!
We have one DS who will be 1 next month. PIL, despite living at the top of our road, have never babysat, or had him over. We take him to see them fairly regularly, and often ask them if they want to meet us for pub lunch, on the park etc (which they usually don?t, but they are busy and active people)

My mum and dad do offer to help out, and have babysat for us on a few occasions (not like we go out much, but it?s nice to have a break now and then) and I could use some help once a week, as I?ve been asked to run a session for a local group of carers on a weekly basis. however, my mum and dad both work, so can?t really commit to regular childcare. DH and I took DS round to PIL yesterday to see if they would consider helping out now and again. Our niece was there (DH?s brother?s DS) she is 2.9. She had been there since F|riday afternoon. We asked PIL if they would consider maybe looking after DS, and they said no. Nicely. But the reason is because they have our niece EVERY weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening and they also have her every Tuesday and Wednesday all day and overnight, and can?t really take DS on aswell.
Fair enough.
So I phoned my SIL to ask if there was something that we could maybe sort out with sharing childcare, and I even offered to have our niece at weekends to give PIL a break, so maybe they would feel as though they could have DS every now and then - and my SIL, through conversation, told me that PIL have our niece on Tues and Weds because SIL works nights and DH?s brother doesn?t want to do morning routine on his own before work - BUT that PIL have her every single weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening, to give BIL and SIL a break! ie - they don?t have specific plans or work commitments - they just have a routine where PIL take her and they have (in SIL?s words) ?the weekend off?
She then said to me ?It works really well for us, and we don?t have to worry about things. Sorry if it messes with your plans, but we got in first!?

Now - I know that whatever arrangement they have is up to them and nothing to do with me - and if it works for them, then that?s fine. But I?m only asking for help for up to 4 hours once a fortnight (my mum one week, and PIL the next week), and they?ve said no because they?re run ragged looking after DN!
I have since sorted out childcare and it?s no problem - but I can?t shake this feeling at being a bit miffed with all of them! I am trying to let it go and just get on with things, but it?s left a sour taste in my mouth

I don?t know what I?m asking here really - AIBU probab;y the wrong place to post, but I just wondered if other people think that it?s ok for me to be a bit pissed off. I don?t plan on doing anything about it, but I just want to feel justified in being annoyed!

Thinking about this again, I feel really sorry for your SIL parents as do they ever see their gc? or do they have her for the rest of the week?

Yes, I think ladkr is right, your in-laws probably see their GN as, basically, a daughter. She's been with them four days a week since she was born, after all. So they might be reluctant to be away from her for a weekend on their own behalf?

That said, I do feel for you. I'm glad you've got your parents who are involved. And rest assured, your son is not going to grow up feeling like he's less loved and missing out - he's going to grow up and feel sorry for his cousin, whose own parents don't want to spend time with her.

How are you going to play it from now on OP? Are you going to invite them for a birthday tea and see if they respond and take it from there?

I agree that YANBU and that I would be extremely annoyed about this but tbh I think your PILs are probably trying not to rock the boat and if your SIL had any thought for anyone else she would have stepped down by now as she must have realised this day was coming. She is just taking advantage now of PILs good nature and although they shouldn't really be letting her they are stuck in the middle and whatever they do will be upsetting someone.

I don't see it as favouritism - just as SIL said they 'got in first' so changing an existing arrangement - however unreasonable - is at the root of the problem.

tadjennyp - well, DH phoned his Mum last night and asked that because everyone in the family is going to be away somewhere the weekend of DS?s birthday, what about the weekends either side of DS?s birthday weekend. Apparently the weekend before is no good because PIL have got builders in that weekend (fair enough) and the weekend after is DH?s cousin?s little boy?s birthday - he will be 2, and is having a big family party. We haven?t actually been invited to this. MIL suggested that we ask DH?s cousin if we can ?share? the party. A party that we hadn?t even heard about! We don?t want to - and I don?t care if that is being PFB - our much wanted and longed-for son is going to be 1, and we want to celebrate that in our own way.
So, anyway, DH and I had a talk, and as the weekends are no good, we offered a birthday tea one evening in the week following DS?s birthday, and MIL is going to contact everyone and come back to us with dates they can all make. It?s a bit of a hassle for us, as DH has to be up at 3am for work, and is usually in bed for 8.30 (bless him) but obviously every now and then, it?s fine and I know I?m now just lloking for obstacles to wind me up. Ordinarily I think I would feel that is a good compromise and I wouldn?t bat an eyelid at it, and just say ?OK? - but things are just so silly with the in-laws at the moment, that everything they say and do feels like some kind of weird attack. Even if it?s not.
Anyway, we?re sucking it up, we?re having his actual party on his actual birthday and then we are planning an additional little party for those who can?t make it on the proper date. On paper that seems entirely reasonable, and in my head I know it?s fine. But I?m still really hacked off! I won?t show it, though - we?re practising our game-faces!

I would have the party as and when you were going to. If the in-laws want to see him they can.

Your in-laws sound a toxic bunch, and going out of your way to accommodate their toxic behavior is going to problematic in the long run for your son and your marriage.
We have had some in-law issues around DS and PFB (Birth child) of DH;'s sibling. Trust me, always best to draw the battle lines out, and let them decide whether to cross them.

You sound so nice and reasonable OP and it's a shame they don't realise it. Thinking about it more and more, I'm sure your ILs think of your niece more as a daughter and don't want to lessen the contact with her. Your ds will be great because he has parents that know the art of compromise and do their very best for him. Your dn, on the other hand, I feel so sad for her.

I second Tadjenny's post, you are being utterly reasonable, too reasonable tbh, but it is what it is.

You do seem to be going out of your way to accommodate people who are unwilling to compromise on anything for you and your DS. Let be the first birthday party, and the last time that you ever arrange a separate party for those who don't prioritise you and your family. I'd be slinging them their blooming sandwiches at them I can tell you!

What, out of interest, would be the consequences of your 'game-face' slipping, and allowing them to know that their treatment of you is totally and utterly unacceptable?

I'd draw my line in the sand now if it were me, and leave them all to it. That ménage-a-cinq is not going to end well at all.... That poor DN is going to come out of this badly one way or another. Give thanks to God that your DS is safe with you and out of that mess!

Wow, every weekend? That's a lot. I don't really judge other peoples's childcare choices (at least I try not to) but this seems excessive.

I really feel for you - such blatant favouritism must be really hard.

However - I suspect as others have said that your in-laws have bonded so much with your niece that they couldn't envisage not seeing her so much.

They possibly also worry about how she's going to feel when she realises she's so clearly not wanted much at home.

They're possibly also scared that if they start cutting down their son may stop them seeing their grand-daughter or at least threaten it. It seems he's got them exactly where he wants them.

Compare that to the childhood you're giving your son. Where he knows he's loved and wanted by his parents.

You are being eminently reasonable though.

Right all (blimey, I'm sorry to have drawn you all into my in-law web of weirdness). just spoken to MIL - apparently there is NO DATE in August that she, FIl, BIL and SIL can all make to come and see DS for his birthday, so she suggested that we go to hers one evening, and then for us to arrange a different evening for BIL and SIL. Good God, it's a 1 year's old's party! So (and this is in the absence of DH who is at work, and whom I haven't yet told0 I just said "this is beyond a joke now. His birthday is on the 21st - his party is on the 21st. it's a Saturday and it works for the rest of us. It's a shame that you've all made alternative arrangements, but to be honest I don't feel like organising 2 more events. If you very definitely can't come to see him on the weekend of his birthday, then you'll just have to make a fuss over him next year" and I have left it at that. With a cheap shot at the end of the phone call of "Mum and Dad can't wait until his party - i think he's going to be spoilt rotten"

hah!

There - they have a court of their own, and the ball's bloody in it!

You have done exactly the right thing. I have just read your thread and I sympathise totally - this was me and my family a few months ago. My mum lives near my sister and basically looks after her kids before and after school and nursery so she has no time to see my ds. Even on my sister's half day she got my mum to look after the kids. When I had ds my sister said she would sort out wrap around care for at least one day so my mum could come and help occasionally as I have a few health problems. Of course it didn't happen and when I asked I was told they'd "got in first" and tough shit. Like you I struggled for 8 years to have ds and couldn't believe how insensitive it was.

When I talked to my Mum she told me I was keeping ds from her and it couldn't possibly be my sister's fault. I was so shocked at the injustice of it all. So I stopped taking ds to see her every weekend. I just thought that if they were going to be so utterly unreasonable there was no way I was going to continue helping them by spending our free family time with them every weekend.(My sister has managed 2 trips to our house in 3 years and it's only 30 mins away)

My mum was basically too scared of annoying my sister to change anything, and by taking ds to see her at the weekends we basically were helping them continue. It took a few weeks and then she realised that if she didn't do something she wasn't going to see ds. This may be the case with your pil they know no matter how unreasonable they are being they are going to see ds. You need to stop being so accommodating and maybe they'll realise if they want to see your ds they'll need to make more of a bloody effort. What they're doing is outrageous and the injustice will eat you up.
If they say anything do as I did and say "it's your choice, you know where we are". Your ds won't suffer and it's all a family power struggle and you need to gain the upperhand for your own sanity.

Just read the whole thread. I am flabberghasted at their behaviour. You have done all the right things and your dh has bitten the bullet and had it out with them. I am glad you feel relieved - so you should. But to be honest I would be RAGING if this was me and in in fact my blood pressure feels raised Reading this. Don't change anything for them.

They can't make any date in August?!

Sorry, only the Queen and the Prime Minister have diaries like that.

I think they are fobbing you off and SIL/BIL don't want her parents seeing your child as this means she may lose her child care arrangements and, soick, horror! they might form a relationship with their other grand child.

I am flabbergasted by the amount of time the niece spends with her grand parents. Did her parents even want a child? Legally, I think this amount of time counts as custody!

I do think your DH should point out that they have 2 grand children and it is a bit off that they barely see one of them.

You have done the right thing - and you were being much more unreasonable and accomodating than I would have been! You are quite entitled to a parting shot

I also echo those who say you need to draw lines now - your DS is much too little to notice or care about favouritism, but when children are older they DO notice these things and they DO care. If your in-laws don't bother with him now, he won't want to see them when he's older, and they will really miss out. Although I suppose with another grandchild virtually living with them, they probably don't realise this...!

Oh ROCK ON ItCrowd!!! That was perfect!

Now leave them to stew, don't you dare go bending over backwards to re-accommodate them.... stuff em all! If they can't be bothered, why do you need to be...

In fact if you are really clever, you can hold this over them FOREVER mwuhahahahahah!!!!

OOh I bet you will have a superb party, your parents will indeed spoil your darling boy, and it'll be great!!!

Blimey they are even more unreasonable than I thought possible!

I'm really glad for you that they finally went so far that you had to put your foot down. I agree with other posters that you are being really nice and accommodating and that no one else is going even slightly out of their way. I think some people carry on being unreasonable until they find our boundaries (no dates in August at all, what nonsense).

Good on you for sticking their rotten ball back in their stinky court!!!

Your DS is going to have a great birthday and you're right, he will be spoilt rotten by his other grandparents. I would make sure that DH gets lots of love, congratulations and cake on the day as well. He is being pretty Zen, it must be hard for him.