In-Law stuff. PIL, SIL and BIL!

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Not sure if I have a right to be a bit miffed with this or not?
sorry it's long!
We have one DS who will be 1 next month. PIL, despite living at the top of our road, have never babysat, or had him over. We take him to see them fairly regularly, and often ask them if they want to meet us for pub lunch, on the park etc (which they usually don?t, but they are busy and active people)

My mum and dad do offer to help out, and have babysat for us on a few occasions (not like we go out much, but it?s nice to have a break now and then) and I could use some help once a week, as I?ve been asked to run a session for a local group of carers on a weekly basis. however, my mum and dad both work, so can?t really commit to regular childcare. DH and I took DS round to PIL yesterday to see if they would consider helping out now and again. Our niece was there (DH?s brother?s DS) she is 2.9. She had been there since F|riday afternoon. We asked PIL if they would consider maybe looking after DS, and they said no. Nicely. But the reason is because they have our niece EVERY weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening and they also have her every Tuesday and Wednesday all day and overnight, and can?t really take DS on aswell.
Fair enough.
So I phoned my SIL to ask if there was something that we could maybe sort out with sharing childcare, and I even offered to have our niece at weekends to give PIL a break, so maybe they would feel as though they could have DS every now and then - and my SIL, through conversation, told me that PIL have our niece on Tues and Weds because SIL works nights and DH?s brother doesn?t want to do morning routine on his own before work - BUT that PIL have her every single weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening, to give BIL and SIL a break! ie - they don?t have specific plans or work commitments - they just have a routine where PIL take her and they have (in SIL?s words) ?the weekend off?
She then said to me ?It works really well for us, and we don?t have to worry about things. Sorry if it messes with your plans, but we got in first!?

Now - I know that whatever arrangement they have is up to them and nothing to do with me - and if it works for them, then that?s fine. But I?m only asking for help for up to 4 hours once a fortnight (my mum one week, and PIL the next week), and they?ve said no because they?re run ragged looking after DN!
I have since sorted out childcare and it?s no problem - but I can?t shake this feeling at being a bit miffed with all of them! I am trying to let it go and just get on with things, but it?s left a sour taste in my mouth

I don?t know what I?m asking here really - AIBU probab;y the wrong place to post, but I just wondered if other people think that it?s ok for me to be a bit pissed off. I don?t plan on doing anything about it, but I just want to feel justified in being annoyed!

I'm really sorry that this didn't have a more "sane" outcome for you. I'm pleased that you both feel a lot better. You, your DH and your DS sound lovely and it will be their loss if they don't take your DH up on seeing you all.

Every time I hear a story like this I am incredibly grateful for my parents and PIL. Talking to my parents and PIL it seems to me that they think very carefully about how to build good relationships with their children, CIL and GC having had problems with their own parents/PIL. So whilst it is a long time away for you I bet you will make fantastic PIL and GP.

Oh thank you, breatheslowly, that's really nice of you. We're very lucky that my parents and my sister are so great - they absolutely love and adore our DS, and he has a wonderful relationship with them - and they're only 5 miles away, so we know that we're very fortunate. We just think it's a shame for us, DS AND my in-laws the way things are turning out. They weren't really much bothered when we announced his arrival either - not the way they were when SIL got pregnant, so we think it's "first-grandchild" stuff, and that DS will never quite match up! Well, their loss entirely. He's a wonderful little boy, and they're missing out, and he does have grandparents, auntie and uncle who thing the world of him!
(and the thought of him being away from us every weekend fills me with sadness - who would opt for that, given the choice? We love our weekends, and we think that our poor DN is going to grow up in a very confused kind of way)
Thanks again, your words have meant a lot to me

At least your husband has made his feelings on this clear. I don't get the "got in first" comment. If I become a grandparent and am doing childcare (not that I'll be keen to do alot of it) for 1 offspring, if the other one has a baby I'd expect to then spend my time equally if possible, including informing whichever of my kids had a sprog first that I'd possibly now be doing less babysitting for them as I now have to spread my time between 2 grandchildren.
They may think about this and realise they are being unreasonable.
If not at least you can get on with your lives knowing how things stand.
It's a shame for your husband though that his parents aren't as willing to be involved in his life as they are in his brothers. If my parents had behaved like this I think it would have affected my relationship with them and my sibling.
We all live miles apart so this sort of situation never arose.

This must be very hard for your DH - it must feel like his parents are rejecting his child.

Dont let your feelings to your PILs and BIL & SIL cloud your judgement when it comes to your DN though, when she's older she might need you - the poor girl is not far off an age when she'll realise her parents don't want her and don't love her the way other parents do.

I'm impressed that your DH was able to speak about it to his parents. Sounds like he was very mature and sensible about the whole thing.

Just get on with your own lives. At least your DS is young and wont ask for them.

Do you think maybe one of the issues is DS is a DS? If your MIL only had 2 boys and wanted a girl then a girl grandchild was like winning the lottery. Not excusing them in any way by the way.

Glad you feel better!

Well at least your dh has tried to make them see how he feels, sad though it may be for him & your ds, they are the ones who will lose out eventually....

I do wonder if there are bonding problems between your DN and her parents, I know a few adults who this happened to as children, were looked after a lot by grandparents or other extended family. They all have "issues" as adults stemming from this. Perhaps your PIL are aware of this deep down but a but in denial - if they refuse to have DN as much it might force everyone to deal with it, ifswim.

If it's any consolation my PIL tend to favour not only their other gcs but also my dd over my ds's. It rankles a lot but luckily we live far away from them so it's not been noticed by the ds's yet....

Blimey, really sorry that the IL's feel this way. BIL and SIL 'got in first' lovely attitude.

It's their loss x

Thanks folks. Feel strangely liberated today! Tell you what rankles, though - the "got in first" statement. Not just because it sucks as an attitude, but also because dh and I spent 10 years ttc and had 4 rounds of ivf. It wasn't for lack of trying, and they very well know that! And I also think the same thing over the granddaughter as opposed to grandson issue. Well, my ds has had a lovely day with his other granny, and we'll have to just get on with it, and be the bigger people, I think

It sucks and it is shit, but now you know where you stand, you have given them the opportunities that they frankly don't deserve, you have been the bigger people and still they have let you down.

It is not your fault you had to have ivf, it is not your fault you didn't get in there first, but it sounds as if even if you had then it would have made any difference! What if DN had been a boy and you had had a girl? What if they have another child? Your poor DN is going to be completely screwed over with parents like that whilst you are gong to have a loving, caring little boy who knows he was a) very much wanted, b) very much needed c) very much loved by his parents and his other grandparents. It is sad for him that he won't be AS loved by your PIL but perhaps that relationship would not have been healthy for him anyway.

I am angry that your IL feel that it isn't necessary for them to go to his birthday - perhaps suggest coming for tea the day before or coming for a day that they can celebrate with him if you feel like reaching out. However I really feel for your DH, who has finally seen a different side to his parents and it must really hurt. I know my dh had something similar and although our relationship is much better I don't think my MIL will ever get over the fact that another woman has usurped her and this was then tenfold by us having a dd who will always be the most important female in dh's life.

I just wonder if you PIL are those matyry type that like being in control and having possibly the main decision making power over their GC and know they won't be able to do the same with you so are backing out as they won't get it their way. Just a thought!

No doubt the last 24 hours have been cathartic for you, I always find it is better to know where you stand so that you are not hanging in limbo!

We didn't specify that, frosty. I may have garbled my post. To clarify, my pil have never seen ds on their own - there's always been someone else there, and we just want them to see ds without dn (or someone else) being there. Even if it's only once. And we haven't criticised (well, dh kind of did, but he was pushed!) And it's definitely not for childminding. We did ask if they would mind him, and they said no. No problem - we've made other arrangements, and we really don't mind. We just want our son to have a relationship with them, and they can't spend quality time with him, while they have dn to watch. She's 2.9 - v high-maintenance! We're not interfering. I do think their arrangement is odd, but it's up to them. I don't think wanting one weekend with them (or just his birthday) is being precious. We have also offered for us all (incl bil and sil) to spend the wknd together at some point, and no one has come back to us. Ds is almost 1, they live 2 minutes away and have seen him on less than 10 occasions. Blatant favouritism, and when challenged, seem reticent to change anything. Totaaly up to them and we're leaving them to it.

Children don't stay compliant and cute for ever (if at all) and one day your DN will not want to spend every weekend at her grandparents. You may find they want to "move on" to your child. You will have to let him decide if he wants to spend time with them.

Once they are (early) teenagers they want to be with their mates, not their GPs in my experience.

Thank you doodley. I did suggest a birthday tea for pil ona different day to dh - but he doesn't seem keen atm. Maybe nearer the time?

I'm really glad that your DH said everything - it must be such a huge weight off your minds to have it all out in the open finally.

The GP are probably just too knackered looking after DN to have the energy to think about making the effort to spend quality time with DS - it's so unfair.

And my immediate thought was just as other posters mentioned - why on earth did they have the child?? Only spending Monday and Thursday with her is ridiculous!! Maybe they threatened to put her up for adoption and the GPs talked them out of it by agreeing to this arrangement - that's the only explanation I can think of.

Your poor, poor DN. She'll figure it all out for herself before too long, and that will be a very sad day indeed. At least she has your family to give her better role models and give her the support she'll need when the time comes.

Agree that you should leave them to it for now as well - give them time to stew on it a bit....

InWithTheITCrowd - would you please give your DH a BIG HUG from me. He's lovely. What he said and did was perfect. It's good to hear a man being a man, a good Dad and Husband (we don't get enough of that, especially on MN).

You have a lovely little family unit and your family - your Son will know how much he's loved.

PIL/BIL/SIL - grrrr their attitude is disgraceful and one day they will regret it.

I am really, really sorry for all of you that they are behaving like this. They should be really ashamed of themselves. I hope you have a lovely day for your sons 1st birthday and it isn't spoiled by their attitude.

I did have a little tear when you called them shitbags, it's not something you hear very often and it's exactly how my Dad would have described them!! (and then probably worse, there's NO WAY he would have put up with their behaviour!!).

Good for your DH, he said what needed said but I feel very sad for your DS that they can't be arsed to spend time and build a relationship with him. There loss I would say.

As for DH parents saying his brother and wife need 'help' which constitutes 50% care arrangement for their grandchild I find that absolutely incredible and I feel they are being taken advantage of. However, that's their lookout and I hope DH's brother can sleep at night as surely to god he must know that him and his lazy cow of a wife are taking the royal piss out of them both.

Good luck to you and your DH, enjoy your DS and don't waste time on them anymore.

I think your DH is great too. Good on him for speaking up and 'calling' them on this and not allowing their frankly toxic behaviour to go un-challenged.

Their attitude and views are really screwed up. Never forget that, and don't second guess yourselves - you and your DH have done the right thing to bring this up and it is now up to his parents to change if they want a relationship with their son/grandson. To be honest, it really doesn't sound as if they do. Deeply silly people, if you ask me.

you're all so lovely!

I'm really sorry to hear that your PILs didn't respond in a reasonable way. I can't understand how they can justify their behaviour to themselves. Your BIL and SIL are not exactly blameless either - has your DH ever spoken to his brother about the situation? He should be ashamed of the rift he has helped create.

I can only echo what the other posters have said - they may not realise it yet, but they are the ones that are losing out. Maybe they'll start to realise what they're missing once you and your DH stop making an effort (or is that just too hopeful?)

Your DH sounds like he handled the situation brilliantly. He drew their attention to the unfairness of the situation, and made it clear where he stands.

I'm glad you are so positive about the outcome. Enjoying your DH and DS is the best revenge you can take

Fuck em.

Fuck the lot of them.

Well done for saying something and it's frankly their loss. Luckily your ds will not notice anything at the moment. Your poor dn will suffer terribly if something happens to your PILs in the near future. Will they palm her off on SIL's parents? Poor lamb.

Hopes that BIL or SIL have to move away with their work very soon and that mad PIL are left will no grandchildren to see, but then I am evil

Not read all the other responses yet but you are so NBU.

Your SIL and BIL sound like selfish arses and your PIL are blatantly showing favouritism towards your DN.

I'd be inclined to say fuck it - if my son isn't treated with the same consideration and attention as DN - then PIL can fuck off.

But you sound far more mature than me

It sounds like pil have bonded with her from having her so much and the lines have become blurred between being parents and grand parents. also dn parents can't have much of an attachment to her as never want weekends with her. this could potentially affect her for life. Could really analyse this as who is getting needs met and by whom. very interesting but bad for everyone. just move on it must be so hard to take tho. pity them cos as someone said its their loss