In-Law stuff. PIL, SIL and BIL!

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Not sure if I have a right to be a bit miffed with this or not?
sorry it's long!
We have one DS who will be 1 next month. PIL, despite living at the top of our road, have never babysat, or had him over. We take him to see them fairly regularly, and often ask them if they want to meet us for pub lunch, on the park etc (which they usually don?t, but they are busy and active people)

My mum and dad do offer to help out, and have babysat for us on a few occasions (not like we go out much, but it?s nice to have a break now and then) and I could use some help once a week, as I?ve been asked to run a session for a local group of carers on a weekly basis. however, my mum and dad both work, so can?t really commit to regular childcare. DH and I took DS round to PIL yesterday to see if they would consider helping out now and again. Our niece was there (DH?s brother?s DS) she is 2.9. She had been there since F|riday afternoon. We asked PIL if they would consider maybe looking after DS, and they said no. Nicely. But the reason is because they have our niece EVERY weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening and they also have her every Tuesday and Wednesday all day and overnight, and can?t really take DS on aswell.
Fair enough.
So I phoned my SIL to ask if there was something that we could maybe sort out with sharing childcare, and I even offered to have our niece at weekends to give PIL a break, so maybe they would feel as though they could have DS every now and then - and my SIL, through conversation, told me that PIL have our niece on Tues and Weds because SIL works nights and DH?s brother doesn?t want to do morning routine on his own before work - BUT that PIL have her every single weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening, to give BIL and SIL a break! ie - they don?t have specific plans or work commitments - they just have a routine where PIL take her and they have (in SIL?s words) ?the weekend off?
She then said to me ?It works really well for us, and we don?t have to worry about things. Sorry if it messes with your plans, but we got in first!?

Now - I know that whatever arrangement they have is up to them and nothing to do with me - and if it works for them, then that?s fine. But I?m only asking for help for up to 4 hours once a fortnight (my mum one week, and PIL the next week), and they?ve said no because they?re run ragged looking after DN!
I have since sorted out childcare and it?s no problem - but I can?t shake this feeling at being a bit miffed with all of them! I am trying to let it go and just get on with things, but it?s left a sour taste in my mouth

I don?t know what I?m asking here really - AIBU probab;y the wrong place to post, but I just wondered if other people think that it?s ok for me to be a bit pissed off. I don?t plan on doing anything about it, but I just want to feel justified in being annoyed!

OP feel for you I really do, we had something similar where my MIL was going to help out with childcare when I returned to work (no nursery places, private nanny wiping out any income +, obviously I wasn't organised HOWEVER when you put your dc on nursery waiting list when you are 12 weeks pg and still can't get in when they are 1 you kind of want to drop of a cliff!), anyhow all sorted until she pulled out the week before I returned to work because she was looking after DN (I changed work days and hours around etc as did dh). Anyway along with the fact that she seemed to buy everything for dn and constantly banged on about her as if her child DH and I got a little upset.

DH spoke to his Dad (a little easier) and said if they were going to do all of this for their daughter and dn then could they not rub it in our faces being further from my family and any help. Now if it goes on (which it does!) it is easier for us to deal with as we don't have it rammed down our throats. Actually there are a variety of reasons that I now feel quite sorry for SIL, yes she is lucky but I think MIL has "spoiled" the child and is bringing her up the way she wants to, also PIL have had their lives turned upside down at a time when FIL was going to slow down and they were going to do stuff together. Sadly sil PIL are only 5 mins away too but don't do their fair share BECAUSE they are looking after other GC. It is never ending!

We now think of ourselves as the bigger people, we have sorted out our finances to accomodate nursery fees and have taken all the childcare vouchers from work that we can which SIL can't use as she uses her mother. Also we have the upperhand knowing we can do it on our own sad but makes me feel much better.

BTW - once I got over this and stopped being in the main so jealous about it (v difficult whatever anyone says to not feel the unfairness!) I now have a better relationship with the PIL/SIL etc, and they now know that if we ask it is because we really are very desperate and so they will drop things and make sil make other arrangements (e.g - new baby arriving any day and they are all on standby!)

Every time I feel jealous, I also feel sorry for them all BUT it is hard to not feel protective of you dh and the unfairness of the situation.

All I can say is "rod for their own backs" which is obviously the case re sleeping too!

YADNBU. What I find so odd is that your SIL and BIL WANT to have every weekend away from their baby, and have done since birth. If one or both of them work then the workers must get so little time during the week with their DC - but are happy to lose the 2 days they COULD have. Poor little child. Your SIL sounds like Caroline Ahern's charcater in the Royle Family, totally spoilt to the extent of not caring for her own DC - she probably expects the GPs to do this - 'she's their GD, of course they should'.

It's a hard one. You don't want to ruin your DS's relationship with his GPs or cousin - though it sounds like GPs and B/SIL are doing that all by themselves. Not knowing about his birthday is nonsense - you're saying they don't know his DOB???? If they really don't - well, fuck 'em. And congratulate yourselves on the fact that you don't deem it necessary to ditch your child every weekend!

fakeplastictrees - good point, but afaik their relationship is fine - they?ve had this arrangement since DN was born. They go on holiday often (with AND without DN) and spend their weekends together, so I don?t think it?s that. it?s been going on for nearly 3 years

so your SIL never spends a weekend with her child .........the poor little girl.

YANBU in asking for a little help, considering the amount of help that is given to your SIL and BIL. I'm struggling to understand how your PIL don't see the unfairness (is that a word??!) of it either......

Now thought this was you DH's sister - seeing that it is his brother would piss me off more - we all know there is more of a relationship between mother and daughter but this is all a little unfair - SAY SOMETHING - your family is not being treated fairly at all - I put up with it because of the Mother Daughter relationship!

I think your BIL and SIL are pretty weird, to be honest. Who on earth would want to get rid of their kids every weekend? (And also, no matter how much they loved the GC's, I wonder how many GP's would do this every weekend without a good reason?)

This is really sad, and it's got nothning to do with childcare expectations as it's clear you don't feel entitled or expect anything from them.

I would be gutted if my one year old little boy was being treated like this

Hope you get it sorted, I think you're being very restrained about the whole thing.

I hope your DS has a lovely birthday xx

i'm still stuck on the fact that your dh's brother (an adult, i assume) doesn't want/is incapable of doing the morning routine when his wife is at work. I got that far, went and will need a strong cup of tea to warm up to sufficient indignation on your part about the rest of it.

don't worry, i'll get there. i feel a tide of hurt resentment rising as i type.

I am in total at this post. I find it unbelievable that parents/grandparents would show such blatant favourtism! What I find even more unbelievable is that your BIL and SIL would want THEIR child to stay with someone else every weekend!!

There is no way that I would be able to keep quite about the arrangements you have described. The way you, your DH and DS are being treated is disgusting and if your IL's can't see that they must be totally blinkered.

I actuallly feel livid for you!

YANBU for your ds.

families can do really hurtful things - partly cos we expect endless love from them, and get so upset when they don't show it how we envisioned. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my mum genuinely believes that there's something 'special' about being the firstborn, and shows more favour to my sister. she loves me, i know that, but she is closer to my older sister.

i think they've just got into the mindset that this is how life is, and have no intention of changing. perhaps if someone points out to them how hurtful their behaviour is (all of them, not just the pil or sil), they will think about changing their ideas. if not, then, you know what they really think.

i have no doubt your sil is warning you off, you're about to ruin her 'designer lifestyle' - she has it all, doesn't she, the baby, the childfree weekends etc etc. if you point out to pil how unfair they're being, and they make some changes, then her & bil would have to give up the party weekends, get up at 6 am & do like most other parents do - care for their child.

how well do you get on with the other section of family, the ones who'll be at the weekend away? can you ring them & say you're hurt that so many of your ds's family FORGOT when his birthday is, and can't bother to rearrange their plans? then i'd tackle the pil - ask them if the weekends could be made alternate? your ds, the dniece, then your ds etc. if they say 'no' ask why they only want to see one grandchild, do they deliberately want to drive you away? then don't be the ones to make the first move, leave them to come to you.

of course, if it's you that says it (not dh), you'll be the evil dil, but it sounds like you don't have much to lose anyway.

fwiw, dh's mum & stepdad barely acknowledged his existence (even when he was 6 )& never used to contact us - they even moved house & months later we tracked them down, they thought it was funny! however, mil is now in the situation where she is the only one of her family living in enlgand, with her elderly & chronically ill dh. suddenly she has realised that she will be a very lonely widow (she is much younger than her dh) & we have the tears & tantrums - when will we see you etc etc. these people are sealing themselves off into a little bubble, sooner or later they'll see how isolated they are & will come running.

i'd put money on sil asking YOU to start looking after her child.

This is all very odd. How do your IL's seriously think they can carry on with this arrangement without it looking like blatant favouritism?? And as many have said, why would any parent need to have every single weekend off from their children?! i thought my IL's displayed favouritism to our DNephew, but my god, they have nothing on your family! i hope you can get it sorted and honestly think you and your DH have done really well to keep your cool up until now.
Hope you DS has a lovely birthday anyway. Hopefully your DH's family will see sense and they'll be there!

My MIL won't plan anything for nearly the whole MONTH of my DDs' birthdays until she knows what the plans are! You're not having DS's BBQ particularly early or late, are you? Because surely your MIL knows when her grandson's birthday is and would have been expecting a party the weekend before or after!? To make definite plans that involve missing his 1st birthday is unfair. For those plans to be looking after another GC so her parents can party is really wrong.

There's not much you can do or say about their ongoing arrangements I don't think. But if I were you, I'd kick off about this birthday thing.

Grandparents don't wait for an invitation to remind them when their grandkids birthdays are, surely???

I think your SIL is taking the piss out of her parents and to be honest I am that they would need a break EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND! from their own child.
If I was your DH I would have to say something as I think it is terrible that they won't be there for the party. Surely it makes no odds that SIL and BIL are going to a festival as the daughter is with her GPs every weekend.

I'm cross on your behalf......

It's not her SILs parents it's her husband's brothers parents!

there is an expectation - well a couple of expectations here

that grandparents will babysit

if they do they should share their time equally with grandchildren

that they like your children and all their grandchildren equally.

all these expectations are wrong.

some people just dont take much of an intrest int heir grandchildren.

Does it go both ways though.

All these people who 'hate favouritism' in families, do you treat your MIL exactly the same way you treat your own mother?

There are loads of people on here who don't want their MIL anywhere near their kids, and who see any time spent with her as a compromise, whilst happlit spending plenty time with their own mum.

Is this also favouritism? If the SIL is the GPs own daughter then I think she can probably expect a bit more from her own parents then OP can, as the DIL. That's the way it works in most families isn't it?

If it's brother's parents then I'm not sure why SIL is getting more stick than BIL. This is between the 2 brothers and their parents and I think the women folk should keep out of it and stop blaming each other.
I find it odd women here criticise the SIL for not seeing much of her kids at weekends but not the BIL and that the OP spoke to her SIL about sharing childcare arrangements and didn't get her brother to discuss it with his brother.
If something involved my husband and his parents and sister I'd get him to sort it out.
I agree grandparents don't have to spend their time equally between grandkids, but if they don't and both sets live near then it's reasonable to tell them not doing so is seen as favouritism, which it may be.

YANBU.

Yes no one is entiled to free childcare but this isn't what it about - it's blatant favouring one grandchild over another and that is hurtful.

We have same scenario with my MIL and DH's nieces.

1. My SIL is feckless and needs the help (putting it mildly). Take it as a compliment that you are coping and inlaws don't think you need the help.

1. Their loss. They wont have a relationship with one set of gp's - just ensure they have contact with yours. Lots of children don't see all their grandparents.

1. It will hurt your husband and affect his relationship with them. My DH is very hurt by his mum ignoring our DD and going on about 'the girls'.

1. Don't go out of your way to involve them. I used to invite MIL to DD's nursery events, on days out etc and it was always a disaster.

1. It will not get any better. MY DD is 4 and I have finally realised this.

Is it at all possible that there is something happening that the people concerned don't want to share? Could the couple be doing some intensive marriage therapy on weekends, or even community punishment? Was DN sent to her GPs because of a health issue, that they may not want to share details of? I realise these are unlikely and most probably there is a huge bundle of unfairness here, but precisely because it's so horrible, I'd want to be sure of the facts, before writing them off as verminous selfish beetles.

WTF???? I'd be raging! Your SIL does not know she's born! 4 nights a week? Flipping heck, she is taking the piss!

OP - YANBU!!!!!!

Your SIL & BIL are giving the oddest message to your DN - we prefer it if you aren't here. They are also sending out an odd message to pretty much anyone they know - the world is a judgey place. If I knew anyone who took their approach I might begin sympathetic (assuming something was wrong in their relationship) but would just end up wondering who would want a child and then spend so little time with it (like sending tiny children to boarding school in the same village for no obvious reason).

That your PIL accept and support this approach is also strange. I know that my PIL or my parents would tell us how inappropriate this was. Unless there is something else going on that you don't know about.

I am amazed that SIL hasn't tried to draw you into this whole mess - after all they still have to look after DN for 3 nights a week - why hasn't she asked if you could do a couple of them to ease the burden.

I think that the other posters are right - your DH needs to be the one to have discussions on this with his brother/parents.

In the long term you might want to be prepared to provide love and support to your DN when she realises that her parents don't give a shit about her.

I know it's their life, you can't have any expectations and they are not obliged to help in any way, I really do.

But, if I am honest, the blatant favouritism would be the issue that really upset me.

YANBU you can't help but feel a littl hurt when there is blatant favourtism over grandchildren. I feel it with dh's family and tbh I'm finding it easier just keep a friendly distance these days as I know that now ds1 is older he will notice more that he doesn't get the days out and little holidays as much as his cousins do. No point in saying anything. I'm just gratefull that although my parents aren't local they still try to do lots for the boys.

I feel sorry for DN