In-Law stuff. PIL, SIL and BIL!

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Not sure if I have a right to be a bit miffed with this or not?
sorry it's long!
We have one DS who will be 1 next month. PIL, despite living at the top of our road, have never babysat, or had him over. We take him to see them fairly regularly, and often ask them if they want to meet us for pub lunch, on the park etc (which they usually don?t, but they are busy and active people)

My mum and dad do offer to help out, and have babysat for us on a few occasions (not like we go out much, but it?s nice to have a break now and then) and I could use some help once a week, as I?ve been asked to run a session for a local group of carers on a weekly basis. however, my mum and dad both work, so can?t really commit to regular childcare. DH and I took DS round to PIL yesterday to see if they would consider helping out now and again. Our niece was there (DH?s brother?s DS) she is 2.9. She had been there since F|riday afternoon. We asked PIL if they would consider maybe looking after DS, and they said no. Nicely. But the reason is because they have our niece EVERY weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening and they also have her every Tuesday and Wednesday all day and overnight, and can?t really take DS on aswell.
Fair enough.
So I phoned my SIL to ask if there was something that we could maybe sort out with sharing childcare, and I even offered to have our niece at weekends to give PIL a break, so maybe they would feel as though they could have DS every now and then - and my SIL, through conversation, told me that PIL have our niece on Tues and Weds because SIL works nights and DH?s brother doesn?t want to do morning routine on his own before work - BUT that PIL have her every single weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening, to give BIL and SIL a break! ie - they don?t have specific plans or work commitments - they just have a routine where PIL take her and they have (in SIL?s words) ?the weekend off?
She then said to me ?It works really well for us, and we don?t have to worry about things. Sorry if it messes with your plans, but we got in first!?

Now - I know that whatever arrangement they have is up to them and nothing to do with me - and if it works for them, then that?s fine. But I?m only asking for help for up to 4 hours once a fortnight (my mum one week, and PIL the next week), and they?ve said no because they?re run ragged looking after DN!
I have since sorted out childcare and it?s no problem - but I can?t shake this feeling at being a bit miffed with all of them! I am trying to let it go and just get on with things, but it?s left a sour taste in my mouth

I don?t know what I?m asking here really - AIBU probab;y the wrong place to post, but I just wondered if other people think that it?s ok for me to be a bit pissed off. I don?t plan on doing anything about it, but I just want to feel justified in being annoyed!

There is nothign you can do but I would be extremely pissed off with this and it would have an impact on my relationship with them all (not that they'd be bothered).

I can understand why you're so upset OP. I would be too!

I think it's high time your sil / bil learnt how to take FULL responsibility for their DD.

I would have a world - or get your ds too. I'd want this to get sorted before my DS was old enough to notice and feel upset.

I'd approach it from the point of wanting your ds to have the wonderful relationship with his gps the DN has. It would look pretty crappy if they declined then wouldn't it?

Sounds like BIL can't cope with being a family man-wont do morning routines, needs me time etc etc. Your SIL picks BIL's needs over her child's needs, and seems to have similar issues.

I wonder if there is other stuff going on behind closed doors that your PILs are aware of but not sharing-which is the only reason why I can think they would be pretty much raising their granddaughter.

YANBU to feel hurt and resentful about the devotion of one grandchild above and over the devotion to the other, but I would say I am not a huge fan of GPs doing childcare for working parents unless THEY FREELY OFFER, and even then that they are not taken advantage of.
What you are doing sounds like a fab thing (support group for carers) and I am sorry they can't help, but I wouldn't get too upset about that, I would be upset that they seem to shun spending quality time with your gorgeous boy because your Sibs-in-law have left them all grandchild out.

Why did your BIL and SIL bother having DC at all they dont sound like they spend much time with your niece?

YANBU I'd be dead annoyed too. It comes across as blatant favourtism imo. Sounds like your SIL has the GPs well and truly wrapped round her little finger.... Although I admit I am a bit coz my mum would tell me where to go if I asked her to have DD half the week EVERY week!

Aah - I didn't realise that SIL was not your DH's sister - I thought it was a case of "PIL's precious daughter's firstborn", which is a pretty common problem. If that's the case then your BIL is equally reprehensible and your DH is well within his rights to go up to his parents and ask them why they make it so obvious who the favourite brother is. Although I can't believe your SIL had the NERVE to actually say "No - we got in there first". WOW! Now there's a sense of entitlement if ever I've heard one.

Your BIL and SIL are shit parents - end of. They should never of had a child if they can't be arsed to raise it (and I say this as someone who's own child goes off to visit his dad most weekends, which silently KILLS me inside). Why would they not want to spend time with their own daughter? It's nuts. I relish every chance I get and the school holidays are the best part of the year!!! Your PIL are either mugs who are too soft to put a stop to this, or they actually DO favour the child and happily agree to this sordid arrangement. Either way, you and DH have got enough ammo between the pair of you to let 'em fucking have it!!!

I would tell them all off. Bollocks to it. Be prepared for them to say unkind, untrue things about you and/or your DS but just ignore them. They'll know deep down that you're right but probably won't able to face the truth and therefore try and concoct a flimsy yet personal defence.

I have just got back from a trip to Toys 'R' Us with my MIL (DP's mum). She was buying him a belated birthday prezzie, (belated, due to some shocking money worries last month). She ended up buying him THREE presents! My son is not her natural grandson - he is her step-grandson. My MIL's first "natural" grandchild was born in April last year. But she doesn't treat my son any less than my DN, just because he's not blood. She spoils him rotten! And that's because she's a wonderful woman. And that's also how it should be.....

Best of luck OP - you all deserve much better. And lots of love to your little boy for his first birthday!!!

been out this afternoon -wow! thanks for all the replies - and the lovely kind wishes. Just to clarify on a couple of things that have been picked up: I did phone ysterday to speak to DH?s brother, but he wasn?t in, which is why I ended up speaking to SIL. I think, tbh, that my BIL is worse, as he is the one who takes my DN to my PIL house in the week as he can?t do morning routines. Or doesn?t want to. It?s a particular bugbear of mine and DH?s, as when they conceived DN neither of them were thrilled about it initially, and both took a while to adjust, which is probably why they had so much help in the first place, which has obviously stuck all these years. It took us 10 years to conceive (with IVF) and all he said at the time was "dont bother" - he's a real charmer!
I think silver1 got it spot on with Sounds like BIL can't cope with being a family man-wont do morning routines, needs me time etc etc. Your SIL picks BIL's needs over her child's needs, and seems to have similar issues

• but it?s their arrangement, and I just don?t get involved. The issue, for me, is more about my PIL being in this crazy childcare routine to the extent that they literally have no time or energy for their grandson! They didn?t forget his birthday, they know the date - they just didn?t realise that the V festival, which BIL and SIL are going to, was the same weekend, until I gave them the party invite yesterday. & they mentioned it to BIL. I spoke to DH a few minutes ago when he got in from work, and showed him some of the replies on here, and told him that I think we really need to get it all sorted out. Not the childcare thing - I don?t care about that, we chose to become parents, and would never expect free childcare - but what some of you have said, both about our DS growing up and being aware that he is less favoured, or has less of a relationship, and also about DN growing up with this dis-attached lifestyle. There has been an open invitation since we had him for PIL to come round whenever they want (it?s hardly a trek, they live 2 minutes walk away) and we did say to PIL yesterday that it?s a shame that they don?t see him more, like they see our DN, and my MIL said ?well, you just have to bring him round?

• the onus is always on us, and it gets very wearing. DH agrees with me - we have this conversation often tbh! But he is going to talk to them all about it, and he just said that if it causes problems, so be it, because we feel as though we have done nothing wrong here.

Anyway, he?s going over after tea! Wish us luck

Smosma - his birthday is on a Saturday, so we?re having the party then, at 5.30
and I am fuming about the birthday thing, tbh!
Thanks for your post kickassangel - I think you?re dead right. They haven?t deliberately set out to do this - my PIL have ALWAYS had DN at weekends, and we?ve never asked so it?s never needed to change.
Although - we still haven?t asked, even now - I asked if she would have DS on Tuesday mornings every other week, but she has DN on Tues and Weds, so said it would be too much for her. I agree - I think it would. but that?s how I found out about the weekend and 2 nights a week thing! But I think they?ve just got into a routine with it, and all just tick along. I think as far as they?re concerned, I?ve come along and put a spanner in the works. I just feel like flicking the v?s at the lot of ?em, never mind the V fest!

phew... I feel so much sympathy for you .. we are in exactly the same situation - well, we are not anymore actually because it took such a toll on us that we decided to move away .. again its the BIL and this is my dh's mum too..My children are older and began to comment on how often MIL had their cousins over at her house and why didnt they get go and it all got so sad that we decided the only way to stay sane was for us to leave and move away..

My SIL is a sahm but still needs two to three days a week without her children to "rest" and have her own time...
Weekends the children are always at MIL's house at least one day and night and often both ..( and lol - they are going to the V festival this weekend too - guess where my DN's are ?) BIL really has no interest in his children - its horrible to watch ..when SIL was ill a while ago he sent the children to his parents so he could "concentrate on work".. He is home by 5 every day and wouldn't see his children all week - preferring to relax after work on his own ..
Some people should not be able to have children IMHO..

anyway .. from someone a lot further down the road than you I would say try and resolve it if you can ..but if our experience is anything to go by then I wouldnt hold out much hope and I would say concentrate on your own family and your gorgeous little boy .. your BIL and SIL are unbelievably selfish and your MIL is enabling them ..
Your ds will see them for what they are worth in time ..and your DN will too.. Its very very sad for the children involved and has been really hard for my DH ..but quite honestly when family behaves like this then you just have to leave them to it and make your own way ...

Hope you have a better result than we did ..although I have got say that we have never looked back since we moved away !!

I was in this sort of situation as a child. My father's parents weren't really interested in either me or my brother and didn't bother with us unless they really had to. Then our cousin was born when I was 15 and my brother 13. Suddenly the GPs who couldn't get on a local bus to see us 10 minutes away could manage to travel 200 miles to see our cousin. Regularly.

It continued after my GPs died with our mutual aunt who showers our cousin with treats and outings, and ignores us completely. She paid for my cousin's driving lessons, yet I've never had a card on my birthday.

Both me and my brother could cope with being ignored- we had another set of GPs who more than made up for it, even though they lived 200 miles away from us. But the constant idolisation of our cousin was (and remains) unbearable. It has carried on into the next generation with our aunt not being interested in my dcs or my DN. But super-cousin has just had her first baby..

If you can nip this in the bud, please do for the sake of your DS. It's not much fun being second best to your cousin

update? has dh spoken to them?

i bet bil & sil were terrified when you got pregnant, thinking that you might hop on the gravy train with them. no wonder they make comments like 'don't bother' and 'we got there first'. they must be dreading the thought of spending a weekend with their child.

seriously, i really believe that in the long run you'll have the good relationship with your dc, not them.

"Now - I know that whatever arrangement they have is up to them and nothing to do with me - and if it works for them, then that?s fine"

That says it all. Basically you are miffed as they have a prior commitment which means they can't help you out.

It's no-one's right to have anyone babysit for them, so unfortunately you'll have to lump it.

He?s round there now - I?ve just put DS to bed. Before he went, he said he was going to be non-confrontational and just ask them if they?re OK with having DN every weekend and mention how nice it would be if they would have some one-on-one time with our DS (ie without DN being there) - and we decided a few weeks ago to have a weekend break in Sept for our birthday, so we?re going to ask them to come with us. Hopefully, this might break the chain of them having her EVERY weekend. He?s also asking if they want to come out for the day with us on Sunday next week, without DN, because we would love to spend some time with them ourselves. He said he?s also going to broach whether or not they would LIKE to babysit at any time, and if they want to, then all they need to do is ask. He?s going to suggest that me and him would like to go to the cinema one evening this week (we?re not really bothered, but good excuse) and would they like to come over and mind him for us while we go.
It?s a softly-softly approach, but after reading the many good replies on here, I think they may be in a routine, rather than deliberately thoughtless. Of course, I could be wrong, but his going there and discussing it will open the floodgates either way, I hope!

hairytriangle, it?s not about the childcare. I have no problems with the childcare at all - it?s all sorted. It?s only once a week, and it?s not a problem. It?s all sorted and I?m fine with it. It was the revelation that they said ?no? to having him (entirely their right, and no skin off my nose) BECAUSE they have DN so very often. It made me very sad for our little boy, and miffed because I feel as though they are treating our two families differently - that?s all. I would have offered to pay PIL - my BIL also offered to pay for the Tues/Weds childcare, but PIL declined.

I really felt for you and your situation when I read this. I was in a similar postition to your DH - my younger sister was always the favoured child. My parents loved me, and they were always good to me, but they just treated my sister very differently.

For example, when I was struggling to get a mortgage (I had spent my adult life living abroad, so had not built up a credit rating) they said they couldn't act as guarantors. Fair enough, but they then bought a house for my sister to live in.

They paid her bills, bought her shopping, and generally spoilt her rotten. I can't count the number of times they let me down because she had some kind of 'crisis'.

On my sister's wedding day, after my mother had had a couple of drinks, she told me that it knew it wasn't fair on me to treat my sister so differently - the first time either of them ever acknowledged that they favoured her.

When my sister's DD was born, she was living at my parents' house full time by the time she was 6 months old. My sister was a SAHM! This continued until my sister and her husband split up, at which point my sister moved in my parents too. She still didn't look after her DD - my parents had to put her in a nursery as they both worked full time.

After my mum died (within a couple of weeks), my sister moved to the States. She got married again and had another DD. She didn't take DD1 with her for over a year.

Now that my mum isn't here, I'm left feeling resentful that I missed out on spending quality time with her because of the wedge that the favouritism drove between us. I wish now that I'd spoken to her calmly about how it made me feel (rather than being slightly sulky and distant ). It might have made all the difference, so I really hope that your DH can sort things out with his parents sooner rather than later. If he can explain to his parents how it makes him feel (for both himself and your DS), maybe it'll hit home for them. From your OP, they don't sound like bad people, they just sound like they've been sucked into a bit of an unreasonable rut.

Good luck

wow what strange arrangements your BIL and SIL have and I do find it really sad that your PIL are able to be so over-involved in their GD's life but hardly at all in your child's!

I would be very angry and resentful in your position too - and I think what your husband has planned to say was absolutely spot on - I will be very interested to hear their response!

I agree with browneyes that it is worth speaking up - with a situation as blatant as this, why should he NOT tell them how it appears that they are blanking his family because they're so busy fawning over their other child's family?

IWTC It sounds like your DH is going to be manipulative, then. and a little bit patronising.

There is no excuse for treating your children or your grandchildren differently, and yet it seems acceptable to some that this happens.

Hairy - perhaps the only way he will get through to his parents is by being manipulative and patronising as BIL and SIL are obviously being about their DD.

Two can play at that game and in this situation frankly should.

What was the outcome?

I think your BIL and SIL should have not bothered to have their child as all they seem to do is dump her on the in laws

My parents babysit for my brother and SiL loads including really putting themselves out to do so. And they've never babysat for me.

The reason ... because otherwise they would not see brother and SiL's children more than a couple of times a year. And they are so afraid of rocking the boat that they do everything asked of them.

Sounds like something similar may be going on in your family? And if so I can definitely say that you are better off just keeping out of it ...

you know what InWith, i'm with geek of the week... Your pil will die, and then your bil and sil will have to entertain a child who feels palmed off all the time. Unwanted and in the way. The fallout of that will be catastrophic. Your sil is too stupid to see that the child is more at home at the pil than in their own house. Your pil are being made a mug of. Are they claiming for an allowance for the child? They are the primary carers.

Fwiw InWith, I don't blame them for not wanting to take on more childcare. They get less than 3 days off a week. Perhaps they see they've painted themselves into a corner with your sil and bil, so rightly don't want to make the same mistake again.

You can easily compensate for this appalling imbalance in the family with our own son. Take the moral superiority line, we wanted and adore our ds, we enjoy his company, and don't palm him off the instant we can, we only use childcare when there's a real need, not cos we can't be bothered. Pull back from them all. Don't reward their arms length approach by running after them. Tell them they know where to find you, make your own plans and leave them to it. That will make more of an impact than imploring them to take an active role.

They have to stand up against the sil and bil, leave them to come to that realisation on their own. Your ds is one, it's not going to figure on his radar for years yet, it may get resolved or evened out by then.

They have 2yrs before dn goes to school, even then your ds wouldn't perceive any imbalance. Just keep up the we enjoy our son's company, and we're his parents lines and i'm sure you'll chip away at them by the time dn is 5.

Is that how it reads to you, hairy? I think OP has shown great strength of character (and her DH) and have both decided to go and chat to PIL in a non-confrontational way, and been really nice in asking them to come along for a weekend away, rather than asking them to babysit while OP and DH go for a weekend away (which is how I initially read it). I don?t think that?s patronising or manipulative. They?re just finding ways of getting PIL to spend some time with their GS. Hope it went well this evening, OP

TBH I don't think that you are going to change anything in terms of their relationship with DN, SIL/BIL, so all you can do is protect yourselves.

So start lowering expectations now, especially about things like birthdays (and dare I say it?) Christmas.

And thinking about how you are going to talk to DS about it. I think the best way is to rise above it, and to breezily just say ' we just love spending all our time with you, ds.'

I speak as someone whose in laws pay for school fees for our ds's cousins, but not for ds.
But hey, what can you do? Nothing.

They love us, and I presume they have their reasons.

OP - how did it go?

Hi all
Sorry it's taken ages to get back, but couldn't really log on last night, and have been at my carer's group this morning.
So - DH went round to talk to his parents. Obviously this is a 2nd-hand version of events, as I wasn't there. He asked them if they were happy having DN so much, and they said it was fine - and he asked if they ever got a weekend to themselves, which they don't but they said they were used to it. Then DH mentioned that we would like them to see our DS if at all possible, and maybe without DN there, and they said no - they don't have time. So DH got a bit pissed off, and asked why they spend so much time with DN and no time with DS, and they said that because SIL and BIL were younger than us (BIL is 33 and SIL is 32!) they have always needed more help. DH and I are both 36.
So DH said that if they're happy with the arrangement, that's fine, but that we feel a bit let down that our DS doesn't see them or have a relationship with them, and they said we can take him round any weekend, but DN will be there! DH also said that he couldn't understand why MIL won't be coming to DS's birthday and she said it was "one of those things". Then DH asked them about coming away with us in September (we haven't booked anything, and he said any weekend in September to suit them) - and do you know what they said? They said "we'll have to wait and see what BIL and SIL are doing"
WTF!?
So DH lost it with them, and said that they were being taken for mugs, and that DN is their GRANDCHILD not their responsibility, and it's up to her parents to sort out alternative arrangements not her. His Dad then said that it was sour grapes on DH's part, as we don't have child-free weekends and then MIL said that BIL and SIL "got in first" - exactly what SIL said to me on Sunday. What a strange attitude!
Anyway, DH basically said that we don't want them for childcare - I'm not going back to work until next year, and my Mum or sister are happy to have him if we need them to - we just want them to be grandparents. And then he said that we didn't have a child to palm him off every weekend, and that, actually, weekends are pretty special for us, as we get to things as a family, and PIL said that nothing will change, and it's up to us to take DS round if we want to.
So DH said (and he told me he was most dignified) - "You know where we are, and your grandson will always be available to you, but we are not making the running any more" and then he came home, and told me he's glad it's all out, and that he doesn't give a toss what they do now, as they're all as bad as each other!
So nothing has especially changed, but we both strangely feel a lot better. Bollocks to em, eh?
Thank you for all your support, advice and stories. Sorry that my "update" was so rambly and long!