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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DD age 3 to her GFs funeral?

86 replies

grapeandlemon · 31/07/2010 20:55

I have no clue how to play this one and need lots of opinions which is why I am posting in AIBU, gulp...

DH Father died last week. V sad. All the family are going to be at the funeral including some relatives we don't get to see very often at all and whom DD loves very much.

When I told my Mother she was coming along she was really shocked and said "Oh I presumed you would want me to look after her" and pulled a face like she felt is wasn't apt for me to bring her. DD comes everywhere with me/us so I didn't really think it through. There will be lots of obviously distressed visitors there and although she does know he has passed away perhaps it will be a bit much. She is v aware and inquisitive generally.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 31/07/2010 20:57

I would take her.

pjmama · 31/07/2010 20:58

I don't think it's an appropriate place to take a 3 year old if there's someone available to take care of them.

StormyWeather · 31/07/2010 20:58

I went to my grandmother's funeral when I was three - didn't have any lasting effects on me, in fact can't even remember it, though, strangely enough, I do remember visiting her regularly before she died.

As for my own family - my daughter was six when she went to my own Mother's funeral. Some people though I was wrong, but she was given the choice, and I felt it was only fair that she was allowed to say goodbye to her grandmother along with her brother and sisters, and the rest of the family.

Take her along if you want to - if you prefer to leave her behind, then let her have a fab day with your Mum.

BeatRoute · 31/07/2010 20:59

I didn't take my 3 year old DD to her Grandpa's funeral but she came to the 'do' afterwards. We explained it was a party to say goodbye to Grandpa, but he won't be there...

My reasons were that I wouldn't want her to see me so upset and also that I didn't think she would be quiet during the service.

Doodleydoo · 31/07/2010 20:59

Take her, she is young enough to hopefully not remember the sadness and old enough to make it celebration of life for those left behind. Funerals are horrible but there is no reason as to why she should not be there to celebrate his life and celebrate her future as she is part of him.

FortiesCromarty · 31/07/2010 21:00

If there's a get together after the service, can you just take her to that?
If she's anything like mine, there would be loud questions throughout any ceremony which may be difficult but I wouldn't want to exclude her completely.

Doodleydoo · 31/07/2010 21:01

Have been to a funeral with small children who are family members - I don't think there is much disruption - I wouldn't take my dd to a "non" family funeral, that wouldn't be appropriate however he was her grandfather, but perhaps take her to the wake rather than the whole funeral if it makes you feel more comfortable?

Ilythia · 31/07/2010 21:03

I took dd1 to dh's grandma's funeral at 18 months and wept along with dh.
i took both dd's at 3 and 18 months to my granny's funeral and wept. They remember the wake and meeting everyone and don't seem scarred by it.
i was also thanked by the older family members both times as they said it was lovely to see the family 'continuing on' in the great grandchildren.

NorbertDentressangle · 31/07/2010 21:04

At that age I haven't taken my DCs to funerals -not because I don't think that they should be there but more because I didn't feel that they needed to be there IYSWIM. Part of that was I didn't want them to be upset at me, my Mum etc being upset

However I did arrange for them to be at the gatherings afterwards as I felt that it was important for the rest of the family to see them. (the funerals were for my Grandmothers and my Dad)

EddieIzzardismyhero · 31/07/2010 21:04

Definitely wouldn't, but clearly am in a minority.

deemented · 31/07/2010 21:05

I would take her.

DS went to his daddy's funeral aged 3, and his nanas funeral twelve weeks later. It was good for him and helped him to understand.

mumeeee · 31/07/2010 21:07

I wouldn't take a 3 year old to a funeral. But as others have said if there is a do afterwards take him to that.

Original poster
grapeandlemon · 31/07/2010 21:10

Thank you all.

It will be pretty hard to just take her to the gathering afterward as we are travelling about 1 hr away in the car so she can't really stay with anyone...hmmm

I am still pondering thanks again for your thoughts on this v difficult one

OP posts:
lazylula · 31/07/2010 21:10

I wouldn't take my 3 year old, I would ask for them to be dropped off for the 'wake' though, once everyone had settled down.

Lonnie · 31/07/2010 21:11

I would take her we took all 3 of ours to their grandads they were at the time 5 3 and nearly 2 I was 8 months pregnant with my 4th Everyone said how lovely it had been to have them all there.

DD1 came along to great grans funeral at 13 months old and dd3 came to great grandads funeral at 5 months

I would take her children often makes us remember what funerals are all about celebrating the life of a person we loved I bet you dh will get great comfort from his dd being there.

it is 6 years since FIL passed MIL still comments upon how when the curtains moved over the coffin (FIL was cremated) dd2 (age 4) lifted her hand and waved whispering bye bye grandad..

mnistooaddictive · 31/07/2010 21:12

I would say it depends on how upset you are likely to be. If you and Dh are likely to be in pieces sobbing then that could upset her and you may not be up to dealing with her. If this is not likely to be the case then take her as long as you discuss it with her beforehand so she is aware some people may be upset.

scouserabroad · 31/07/2010 21:13

I took DDs 1 and 2, aged nearly 4 and 2.5 their great grandfather's funeral and to the wake afterwards.

It was the first time they'd been to church & I'd explained to them that they shouldn't talk in the church & if they had any questions they could ask me after...by some miracle this worked and they didn't say a word!

DD1 went and sat next to my nanna (grandfather's wife of more than 60 years so obv. very upset) and held her hand the whole way through the church service. My nan later said that she was really glad that DD1 had been there because it made a difficult time that little bit easier.

Neither of the DDs were upset, although DD1 sometimes randomly asks questions about death, in the same way she asks any of the 1000s of other questions she has!

PrincessBoo · 31/07/2010 21:16

Yes I would. Funerals are as much a family occasion as weddings are - death is a part of life - it's a fact.
Those 'awkward' questions are important - to show how important it is to honour someone you loved, to allow your child to express their feelings at the loss of a Grandparent, no matter how young.

Having children there reminds grieving people that life is joyful too - gives people hope.

EightiesChick · 31/07/2010 21:18

As already suggested above, I would take her to the do afterwards but not the service, so that the service can go on without natural and expected 3 yo chatting, asking questions etc. but so that the family also get to see her as this will no doubt cheer things up afterwards.

I have had this twice in the last year as members of my DH's family died, who live some distance from where we are. My DS is only 18 mos now. The first time, I picked up my parents on the way and they stayed at one of my in-laws' houses with my DS during the service, then came with him to the do afterwards. The second time (more distant relation) I stayed behind at the house with DS during the service but was there for the do (at this same house) afterwards.

Is there any chance you could do something similar - either take your mum with you on the trip and get her to sit with DD while the service goes on, or maybe sit the service out yourself with her? The second option is probably less good given that it's your FIL.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 31/07/2010 21:19

I would - have taken DS1 to an elderly friends funeral, she was a fantastic lady and I said we were going to say goodbye to nannaP he asked several times in the servuce when she was going to come so we could say goodbye.

pippylongstockings · 31/07/2010 21:19

I would say you know your DD best. When my Grandmother died 2 years ago I did not want to take my DS1 & DS2 they were 4 and 2 - but that was for me and my mum - I didn't want them to see me sobbing my heart out or seeing my mum beside herself with grief, I wanted to say goodbye to my grandmother without having to pull myself together or have deal with alot of questions from my children.

They came to the wake afterwards along with alot of my cousins children. That was really nice for the whole family.

My sister took her children, she was the only one who did but she felt strongly that they should be involved - they were younger 2 and 6 months so not sure they understood any of what was going on. They were also used of going to church as her husband is catholic and takes them at least once a month.

Nancy66 · 31/07/2010 21:20

depends how well behaved she is.

If she misbehaves and makes a noise it could upset some family members.

EldonAve · 31/07/2010 21:22

I would take her provided the main mourners are okay with her attending

llareggub · 31/07/2010 21:23

My DS is the same age and I would probably take him, after a discussion with him about what to expect and what it would be like. I'd also be prepared to take him out if he found it distressing.

Original poster
grapeandlemon · 31/07/2010 21:24

Yes I really agree about the family occasion and saying goodbye to Grandad- XXXXX

She is 3 1/2 very well-mannered, quiet at church but very vocal and interested in the details of things and why they happen. Sensitive about monsters and robbers stuff like that.

I for this reason was concerned about the crematorium and procedure any thoughts on what I could tell her without giving too much detail?

OP posts: