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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take DD age 3 to her GFs funeral?

86 replies

grapeandlemon · 31/07/2010 20:55

I have no clue how to play this one and need lots of opinions which is why I am posting in AIBU, gulp...

DH Father died last week. V sad. All the family are going to be at the funeral including some relatives we don't get to see very often at all and whom DD loves very much.

When I told my Mother she was coming along she was really shocked and said "Oh I presumed you would want me to look after her" and pulled a face like she felt is wasn't apt for me to bring her. DD comes everywhere with me/us so I didn't really think it through. There will be lots of obviously distressed visitors there and although she does know he has passed away perhaps it will be a bit much. She is v aware and inquisitive generally.

OP posts:

shivster1980 · 31/07/2010 21:25

I didn't take my DS to my Dad's funeral. He was 2 yrs 4 months and very 'energetic'(still is). I found the average Sunday morning service difficult enough with a two year old and to take him to Dad's would have been added stress for me. I didn't take him for purely selfish reasons really. To add to the pressure we had a Requiem Mass for Dad so it was a very long funeral.

I am not anti kids at funerals at all - I attended funerals for family members/family friends and church members from the age of 6 onwards myself, I am big on telling the truth about death and there being no taboos.

It's a deeply personal decision, if it is right for your husband, yourself and your DD then go ahead.

NormalityBites · 31/07/2010 21:28

I took my three year old DD to her Grandmother's funeral (my mother). I would have fought any suggestions I didn't take her tooth and nail. She belonged there just as much as I did. I cannot say how strongly I felt she should be there. She was the first one down the aisle of the church after the coffin. I took great care to explain it all to her over and over again and answer all of her questions. She didn't make a peep through a 70 minute service or subsequent cremation service - she danced to the music we played as they took the coffin away. Then she had a wonderful time at the 'party' afterward, meeting lots of people who were charmed and happy to see her there.

There were lots of people who would have taken care of her but I didn't consider it for a second. Poor girl would have been even more heartbroken and I would have been in bits. I cannot say strongly enough - TAKE HER.

noteventhebestdrummer · 31/07/2010 21:29

I took mine at this age (and younger) and it was the right thing to do for us, they did know to be quiet and that some people woulod be upset.

Actually DS1 had a baby welcoming in the same service as my father's memorial, it was a good (but sad) reminder of life moving onwards while remembering a life lived well.

jaffacake2 · 31/07/2010 21:31

I took my daughter to my father in laws funeral when she was 3yrs and we both coped well. But had it been a closer relative like when my brother died I would not have taken a young child because I was very upset and tearful.It would have been too distressing for both of us.

lavenderbongo · 31/07/2010 21:36

I took both my DDs to my Grandmothers funeral. They were 4 and 2 at the time. I did it for various reasons but mainly because I know that my Nan would have appreciated them being there and they helped my Mum cope with the day.
They were not totally quiet the whole time but were not disruptive. I felt my Nan was looking down at them having a good laugh at my youngest picking her nose and asking lots of awkward questions.
I understand that this may not be appropriate for all families - but for us and my Nan is was perfect. She lived for her children and grandchildren and they brought her a lot of joy.

firsttimemum77 · 31/07/2010 22:10

Hi my gran passed away in April. I was very close to her as was my dd who was 2.9 years at the time. My DD came with the rest of the family to the funeral and honestly she was fine through it! I explained to her that we were saying goodbye to 'big nanny' as she called her and she now says when looking at a picture 'look mummy it's big nanny she's living in the sky now'

Yes it was an upsetting and sad day and I suppose it depends on the child. My dd is quite mature for her young age and took it all in her stride and it's nice that I can talk to her about it, she loves talking about big nanny.

hellymelly · 31/07/2010 22:16

I took my dd aged almost two,to her GtGm's funeral,she had really loved her,and I thought it was important she was there.She was pretty good although got a bit too noisy and my mother took her outside (it was DH's Grandma).Then when she was 3 and 3/4 our next door neighbour died,and she went to that funeral too,sat with the children (5 and 7)from the house the other side,and was really well behaved and seemed glad to have been there.I think funerals are part of life and children should be involved,unless the child would find it very traumatic of course.

atmywitssend · 31/07/2010 22:23

I wouldn't take a DC aged 3. We did not have children at my dad's funeral last year - cousins were aged 4, and 3 x 2 year olds. Our thoughts were that a funeral is a solemn, serious service where people will be upset. Children won't understand and may be frightened and/or bored and fidgety/noisy. I certainly would not have wanted to have had to keep my eye on DS or have had my husband do so as I needed his support. Children came along for the "do" afterwards so that dad's friends could meet the DGC who were a big part of his life.

catsdontscreetch · 31/07/2010 22:28

DD was 2 at my GM's funeral, DH did take her out of the church service as she got a bit loud, but to be honest I think the family was pleased she was there at the wake.

We don't have big families so she was the 1st of that generation and I think her being there helped a lot of people

NonnoMum · 31/07/2010 22:31

It's up to you. You might want to think about how often your child has been to a formal/religious occasion before. If she is fairly used to them, she might find it easier than if she isn't.

Sometimes, kids can be great at funerals. You know, if they give grandma a hug or start singing Twinkle, Twinkle or similar, it can really alleviate the tension and bring a smile to sad faces.

But some people might find that totally inappropriate.

It's your choice. I would, but then just going to the social afterwards might suit your family more.

All the best with whatever you decide...

MumNWLondon · 31/07/2010 22:32

I think its depends on a few things - how well behaved she would be and whether its the done thing in the circle you mix in to take her. I would ask DH mother what she wants and respect whatever she says.

Gubbins · 31/07/2010 22:34

It's not really for you to decide if you want her there or not, it should be up to your husband, and any sister/ brother/mother in law. They may welcome her as a distraction or hate the thought of being distracted. My then three and one year olds went to my mil's funeral, with my parents set to whisk them out if necessary. All the in-laws wanted them and really valued having them there, particularly the elder one's dancing to her grandmother's favourite songs.

KickArseQueen · 31/07/2010 22:35

Could you ask your mum to come too and take dd to the park during the funeral then all go to the wake?

Sorry to hear about you FIL and deemented, that is very sad, I'm sorry for your los too.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 31/07/2010 22:36

My children have been to funerals.

DSs 1 & 2 went to their sisters, DS 2 was 3.
DD and DS1 went to their Ggd's, Ggm's and their cousins and aunty's. They didnt go to my Dad's because they didnt want to.

I do not think there is anything wrong with taking young children to funerals if they have a close connection to the deceased.

I do not think it damages them. Seeing loved ones upset will not harm them.

I cannot imagine NOT having had my children at their sister's funeral.

catinboots · 31/07/2010 22:39

My nan died this summer - all of her great grandchidren (8wks, 14wks, 2, 3 and 10) all went. The little ones were just like kids in any church service!! A bit noisy and not really aware of what was going on.

I thought it was great - as I know she would have. They are her legacy IYSWIM.

Nettiespagetti · 31/07/2010 22:43

I took my dd 5 months to my grandmothers. Obviously she didnt ask many questions but she did make noise and I took her to the cry chapel, then my bil looked after her for a wee while. I live over 300m away and my dh had to work so I booked my ds into nursery for two extra days but as dd did not yet attend nursery as I was on mat leave I had no option. Take her or not go and I needed to be there for my dad ESP
my mum who lost her mum same time previous year and the circumstances weren't good.
I didn't consult with anyone I felt I had a right to be there and say my goodbyes.

Whatever you decide I hope it all goes as well as it can fir you all.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/07/2010 22:56

It very much depends on how you, your DD and your family feel about it.Some people find the presence of small DC at funerals comforting, an indication that life goes on, others find it intrusive so I would say, mostly, go with the wishes of the people closest to the deceased (ie never mind the views of some second cousin or other but see what the widow feels). And how does your H feel about it? If he wants her there, take her - if he would rather she wans't there, arrange childcare.

mummytime · 31/07/2010 22:57

I took my DS at 1 ish to his great uncle's, we took him for a long walk before and he slept through it (even Communion, it was quite high church). He cheered people up as life at the wake afterwards.

I took DS 7 and DD4 to other Great uncle's, and relatives said when DD 4 asked why people were crying it actually helped.

DS11, DD9 and DD4 also went to their Grandmother's. They all behaved impeccably, although DD9 was in tears.

My kids are usually "lively" but seem to behave when necessary, but I'm always prepared to remove them if necessary. But I think death is part of life they need to know about.

trixymalixy · 31/07/2010 23:14

I took my Ds to my aunt's funeral when he was 2.5. He noticed I was upset and stroked my face which made me blub even more. He was a bit noisy but everyone commented on how he had lightened the mood.

cat64 · 31/07/2010 23:28

This reply has been deleted

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rockinhippy · 31/07/2010 23:31

Take her,......... Kids can be a great reminder at Funerals that sad as the day is....life goes on, & your DD is in part the legacy your DHs Dad left behind........Kids can also bring moments of joy to an otherwise very sad occasion, but in a way no-one will feel bad about appreciating..........

also IMO its good for Kids to learn about Death young, & not to be shut out of what is in fact a celebration of her Grandads life.......I have taken my DD to several funerals over the years, close friends & relatives & have never regretted any of it, she's been fine & now has a lovely balanced view on life & death, & when younger has raised a few giggles during the ceremony....& was wonderful with her Nana, at her Nanas Mums funeral......something that was appreciated, & not frowned upon by those there

Take her

rockinhippy · 31/07/2010 23:35

If you do taker, do explain before hand in simple terms, what will happen, is expected of her, not running around whilst they say prayers, the vicar talks etc, & that people will be sad & cry, but thats okay...........I found doing that helped a lot with my DD...she was brilliant

SirBoobAlot · 31/07/2010 23:38

I would take her, if for no other reason that she will be a comfort to your DH.

lady007pink · 31/07/2010 23:44

My DS was 4 and my DD 2 when my parents died (within 4 weeks of each other). They saw their bodies in their coffins and were at their funerals. It didn't have any effect on them.

Sadly they have no memory of them now, except what I tell them.

Original poster

grapeandlemon · 31/07/2010 23:56

Thank you all so much for your input it is really helpful to me and will make a big impact on how I make the decision.

OP posts:

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