To take DD age 3 to her GFs funeral?

[grapeandlemon]

I have no clue how to play this one and need lots of opinions which is why I am posting in AIBU, gulp...

DH Father died last week. V sad. All the family are going to be at the funeral including some relatives we don't get to see very often at all and whom DD loves very much.

When I told my Mother she was coming along she was really shocked and said "Oh I presumed you would want me to look after her" and pulled a face like she felt is wasn't apt for me to bring her. DD comes everywhere with me/us so I didn't really think it through. There will be lots of obviously distressed visitors there and although she does know he has passed away perhaps it will be a bit much. She is v aware and inquisitive generally.

i think it depends on the type of funeral you are going to. i was 3 when my great grandmother died and although i was very close to her my mum decided i was too young to go as it was quite a long (catholic) ceremony - mind you we are going back a good few years though as this was 1983!.

When my mum died my friend brought her 5 month old son along and he was so lovely it made a very sad day much more tolerable.

I took mine to their great grandmas
funeral, when they were 4 and 2.

I wouldn't have taken them to one where I was likely
to be very upset myself (or anyone there really) but
GG was v old and ill so it was a calm goodbye.

Dd (3yo) slightly heaven obsessed at the minute
so wouldn't take her to a funeral until this phase passes.

I took DD to her GGF funeral recently, she is not yet 1 1/2.

She cried, wouldn't sit still, and also was the only person to make her GGM smile all day, singing along to the hymns with the hymn book. Ask the widowed party, GGM would have been gutted if DD wasn't there, and how she felt was most important by a long way.

I took DD to my fathers funeral when she was 2. I also took DS2 who has autism and therefore can not be relied upon to behave.

But in my family funerals are sad but they are not stage managed. It is a family event and being in a family , for us, means accepting that a child may babble or cry and it isn't a problem.

Equally I have brought my children up to recognise me as a human being who is capeable of being silly or sad. I would be horrified at the notion of trying to get my children through their formative years without ever having seen me cry. Had they not seen me distressed aboutthe death of my dad I am not really clear what kind of a message that is meant to be sending?

DD sat on my lap, DS2 read a comic and had an arguemnt with DS1.
When I cried DD sat on my lap and gave me a hug and she toddled down the aisle to go and sit with grandma too - my mum loved that.

All the older grandchildren participated in the service as they had a right to say goodbye just as much as the adults. They went up to the front and read a poem they had written about dad - it was really sweet. My mum was comforted and my dad would have loved it. The view of more distant fa,ily don't matter.

So, OP, I don't think your mothers view matters. The only important views are your MIL , your DH and his siblings.
See what they think and then decide.

BTW DD remembers faintly that day and has kept the dress she wore. It is nice for her that she knows she said goodbye to him even though her memories are sketchy. And she loves chatting with my mum about it, who also enjoys remembering that day as it was a true celebration of my dad.

( unfortunately DS2 didn't get quite as much and, all these years later, still believes that my dad is at Tescos and )

We took ours to their great grandmothers and grandmothers funerals. As strange as it seems it did other family members good as the kids gave everyone big cuddles to cheer them up. Also think it's good for the kids to have a chance to say goodbye.

Suppose it does depend on the family though. Ours were 6, 4 and 2 when they went.

My family's line's always been that children don't come - until they're about secondary school age. First one I went to was when I was university age and it was my Gran's, my younger brother went as well and he must have been about 14 or so by then.

i remember being really distressed at seeing my mum cry at my lovely old grannys funeral when i was 8.

i would ask the close family what they would want.

personally i wouldnt have taken my DD's until the youngest was about 9 or 10. i hate funerals and personally dont find them helpful at all in the mourning process, and i wouldnt be able to mourn properly with my kids there. they have been present at a couple of after 'dos'
really sorry for your familys loss

I would. And indeed did take my DD aged 3 to her grandfather's funeral last year.

I too got the shocked expressions (and memorably from my sister, hisses of "really not appropriate"). Rubbish. Death is a part of life. Grandpa was 99 years old and lived independently for ALL of his life; what a thing to celebrate!

Actually, it was a great day, loads of family came whom we don't see often at all, DD got spoiled rotten and ate FAR too much chocolate AND got to stay up very very late, all winners in her eyes. In fact, she still talks about "Grandpa's sad party" 18 months later.

I did prepare her lots for it, both from the perspective of practicalities and our faith and what it means to us as Christians.

I wasn't really supported by my family in my decision, but strongly feel that this is YOUR choice as a parent. YOU know your child best, go with what you think.

Sorry, you asked for advice about explaining about a cremation?

I was quite honest with DD. I said the body was a shell and Grandpa didn't need it anymore so we were going to have it burnt up. It sounds a bit blunt but she wasn't shocked.

My family (in England) would think it strange if a child went to a funeral. I remember being shunted off to friends and relatives when my parents were attending funerals and we just didn't talk about it.

We now live in NZ and both my dss attended my MIL funeral 2 years ago along with all the other grand and great grandchildren. Of course they were upset but they were included. Here funerals are much more family affairs. DS1 (age 10) last week was invited to the Tangi (maori wake) of the Grandfather of somebody he knows. We didn't know the man but the idea is that you go to celebrate and acknowledge his life and most importantly to show support to the family. It was open casket and children were everywhere, respectful but unfazed by it all. IMO a much more healthy attitude to death.

A very long winded way of saying if you feel it's appropriate to take your DD, to talk with her about death and what is happening I think it's a great idea.

My parents took me to funerals from a young age so I wasn't frightened by them as I got older. Obviously they aren't things you ever get used to having to go to but I was more aware of what went on and less 'scared' of what was happening . My DH on the other hand didn't go to a funeral until he was an adult and he really couldn't cope with it at all (the funeral was that of an acquaintance rather than someone close)so I would take her.

grape, I'd have been in the camp saying no, too distressing/distracting until my sister took my niece to a family funeral. Actually it was fine and really lifted everyone's spirits. There was something very nice about having a three year old there - the elderly people were particularly pleased.

However, my niece didn't know her Great-Great Aunt at all so wasn't upset in anyway - it was just tricky for my sister to arrange childcare (so we agreed between us if she wasn't happy we'd share waiting outside the church duties).

We took dd (also quite grown up and inquisitive) to her great nan's funeral when she was 3.5 and all was fine. Her lasting memory of the occasion at the age of 6 is hiding under the buffet table with her cousins and putting a serious dent in the plate of chocolate chip cookies that mil had laid out! There is a great book called Waterbugs and Dragonflies which may help you explain things to her beforehand.

We didn't take DD to DH's grandmother's funeral this year, at the request of FIL (her son). I wouldn't have gone against his wishes but was sorry she was not there as I think granny would have loved her being there and there were plenty of other GGchildren who everyone loved seeing.

I was always taken to funerals as a child but the Irish have a different approach to the English I think.

She was just turned two btw.

I think it all depends on the individual child. Some children will understand more and some will simply be upset more. We took DS2 when he was 2.5 to FIL's funeral, but then DH's family is very child-friendly when it comes to weddings and funerals - they expect to see the children there and are happy to see them. So our DS2 and our 2.5 and 3yo DGSs all went to the funeral. MIL spent a lot of time cuddling them, so I can only assume it gave her some comfort. But then, I don't think any of the boys really truly understood what was going on either. (honestly don't think that DS2 really thinks his granddad is gone, as we can hear him talking to him sometimes at night in his room over the monitor - but that's a whole different story)

We very recently took all our DC's to their grandma's funeral..our smallest is 3. It was a very positive experience for them all. 3yr old knows grandma is dead and has seen our grief. He went back to his grandma and grandad's house and knew she wouldn't be there anymore. He now refers to their house as just grandad's. We are humanists and the service was humanist. A celebration of grandma. Our 3yr old would've been far more unsettled to have been left behind. It is the cycle of life.

I am split on this one.

I did take DS1 to his grandad, my dads funeral and as they lowered the coffin he said "Grandads never coming back now is he" and his whole body shook as he sobbed. He was 5 at the time, and although he doesn't remember much about it it has had an affect on him. He cannot cope with deep emotion. I believe this is as a result of the funeral.

I also took DS2 when he was just over a year old to my uncles funeral he was too young to understand anything and was sat with a friend at the back of the church.

I think that under 2 and before they start understanding the finality (is this even a word) of things is fine but once they understand the end means the end and before they are old enough to process the emotion felt properly then the answer is no leave them behind.
Once a child reaches an age where they can process and explain their emotion then it would be ok to take them.

I don't know if I am right but I have seen it from both sides.

I was 10 when I went to my grandads funeral and I remember it as clear as day and how sad it was.

I took my 4 and 2 year olds (at the time) to DH's Granny's funeral and it was absolutely fine. They are totally unscarred by the event and in fact them being there lightened the whole day for everyone.

Definitely take her. My ex-DP wasn't allowed to go to his GPs funerals when he was younger and it has been a huge source of stress and grief to him ever since that he wasn't allowed to say goodbye. Children need that sense of closure as much as adults do.

Your DH is likely to be upset so you think that would worry your DD then maybe arrange for you and DD to sit in another pew for the service. If you are near the back then you can leave if she wants to.

BTW, I went to a baby's funeral recently - there must have been 30 children or more there, none of whom were distressed. It was quite amazing to see how well the children understood and handled it (very matter-of-factly compared to the adults), when given the chance.

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss.

My dad died last year and my sister and myself took our children, 8, 4 and 1 to the funeral. There is no way we would have excluded them since they knew there grandfather well and to us taking them to his funeral was part of the process of saying goodbye.

They coped very well, their dads carried the coffin and they walked behind with us carrying sunflowers.

Other children came and there was a little bit of chatter but on the whole they were unusually focused and interested in the occasion. They enjoyed singing the hymns and my ds came and stood with me when I delivered by eulogy.

I wouldn't have had it any other way but obviously everybody is different. What is your dh's feeling on the subject?

It's down to the individual child I think. Some can handle it at your DD's age, some can't handle at twice her age.

The first family funeral I faced was a very close relative and I was just turned five. My mum asked me if I wanted to go and I decided not to. However, the wake was held at my home and my Godparents were there helping set up, so I stayed with them and helped make food. That way, I didn't feel excluded and I still got to see the family afterwards. Is this kind of compromise at all possible in your family?

Personally, I would make the decision on whether your DD needs to go to the funeral. Would it help her accept the loss? Would missing it have more of a negative impact than attending?

So sorry for your loss .

Sorry I should have added that in terms of telling them what was going on - in particular at the cremation.

The 8 and 4 year olds knew that grandad's body was in the coffin. We had a natural cotton coffin which I think made it easy on the eye from a child's perspective. \

The four year old was told that grandad's body it would "made" into ashes (didn't go into detail as to how) and one day we would sprinkle these into the sea so that he would be with grandma. This sufficed.

Ds 8 pressed on the detail of how the ashes were made and he got the answer. He wasn't fazed by it but I wouldn't have told him if I thought it would give him nightmares.