To take DD age 3 to her GFs funeral?

[grapeandlemon]

I have no clue how to play this one and need lots of opinions which is why I am posting in AIBU, gulp...

DH Father died last week. V sad. All the family are going to be at the funeral including some relatives we don't get to see very often at all and whom DD loves very much.

When I told my Mother she was coming along she was really shocked and said "Oh I presumed you would want me to look after her" and pulled a face like she felt is wasn't apt for me to bring her. DD comes everywhere with me/us so I didn't really think it through. There will be lots of obviously distressed visitors there and although she does know he has passed away perhaps it will be a bit much. She is v aware and inquisitive generally.

I took DS when he was just three to his great-grandmother's funeral.

All my late gran's family, age 2 and up, were at her funeral and it made it a much less gloomy occasion than it could have been. There were tears but there was also some noises off from the children to relieve the tension. If your DH's family are expecting quite a formal, reverential event then they might not want children present. But in our family death is just a normal part of life - like births and marriages.

I wouldn't take a toddler to a funeral (or a wedding ceremony!).

If they aren't old enough to understand the words then why bother. You can't claim that they have a right to attend an event they have absolutely no understanding of. If they make a noise and muck about then that just illustrates how removed they are from what's actually happening.

By all means take them to the social bit afterwards.

As others have said, this isn't really your call to make, but the principal mourner's. It's up to them.

As a general point, I've smiled many times at small children as this is socially expected of me, whilst thinking, what is that toddler doing here. Just becuase somebody smiles at a amall child doesn't mean they truly feel that the child should be there.

I understand what you mean Morris. But for some of us we ( as principal mourners) would want children there. For us it seems natural and appropriate.
To say a child should not be there, to me, seems as strange as saying that when the family are eating say, Sunday lunch together, the toddlers should be put in a different room until they are old enough to sit and chat.
I think children learn custom and adult ways, rituals and ceremonies etc, by experencing them whilst surrounded by adults who love them.
To me it is totally natural. But then for me a church is a place of ceremony and ritual but one which is based around the family and there for all of them - not just the adults who can sit up and be solomn.

I can understand peple who think it is innapropriate but in my case with the first funeral we genuinely had no choice. All the family there were at the funeral, we don't live there so had no-one we knew to watch DD1 and it was 2 hours drive from home, so we had to take her. We had warned the priest and they had put some chairs at the side aisle for DD and (very sweetly) some crayons and pictures to colour. The younger generation (our age) gave me a few sour looks but the elders were all very touched by her and all made a point of saying how lovely it was.

For my granny's funeral she knew she was dying and she insisted that it was to be a celebration, so the children were welcome as it was intended to be a party, not a sad affair.
Yes I cried,a nd so did everyone else but as someone said, I am happy to cry in front of my children, they know people are sad when people they love die, so why hide that from them?

I can understand peple who think it is innapropriate but in my case with the first funeral we genuinely had no choice. All the family there were at the funeral, we don't live there so had no-one we knew to watch DD1 and it was 2 hours drive from home, so we had to take her. We had warned the priest and they had put some chairs at the side aisle for DD and (very sweetly) some crayons and pictures to colour. The younger generation (our age) gave me a few sour looks but the elders were all very touched by her and all made a point of saying how lovely it was.

For my granny's funeral she knew she was dying and she insisted that it was to be a celebration, so the children were welcome as it was intended to be a party, not a sad affair.
Yes I cried,a nd so did everyone else but as someone said, I am happy to cry in front of my children, they know people are sad when people they love die, so why hide that from them?

Wow what an overwhelming response. Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, your thoughts for us and your advice on how to handle this.

We have decided to take her along, really because DH feels he wants all his children there, there are DDs half-siblings from his previous marriage whom she is very close to and will help support.

I am undecided about the crematorium, I don't really understand the process too well as I am from a catholic background so have no experience of what to expect so may see how it goes and perhaps take her outside if it becomes difficult. But the "get together" afterwards she will be present and you have all really helped us to come to this conclusion at such a sad time. Thanks again

I'm glad you've come to a decision that you and your dh are happy with.

We took our youngest to her granny's funeral when she was 2, but left the older ones (mainly because of practicalities) and she didn't understand what was going on so just did her colouring in quietly.

I would not, however, have taken any of my children to my brother's funeral had he died after they were born. Nobody at his funeral brought their children. It was a very very raw occasion. I could not have been a parent that day as well as a grieving sister.

The funeral of an old person who has lived a fulfilled and complete life is a very different thing, it can truly be a celebration of life, and young people can genuinely add to the whole affair. But in some instances, I feel it inappropriate for children to be present.

So, no 'one size fits all' in this situation. You have to assess each instance individually.

If I were you, I would take full advantage of your Mum. I have taken my DDs to funerals, but if DH or I are part of the main mourners then we have asked another family member to be "in charge". Your Mum could take them somewhere else for the crematorium, and you could all meet up after for the wake (which is when it's really lovely to have children around, I think).

Personally, I wouldn't want my children there for the service, because then I have to be thinking about them, and whether they are getting bored or disruptive, or upset. A funeral is my change to say goodbye, and I want to be selfish and be able to devote all my attention to the service.

As I said, after the service when everyone is remembering the person who died and telling stories and so on - then it's really nice to have the children around and they can be part of the day.

pagwatch and babybarrister, I must be feeling a bit wobbly this morning as your posts made me cry.

I would take a child to a grandparents funeral on the assumption that they would want them there (though would check with widow/widower first).